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My husband has decided to move out within the next two months. Can anyone offer any advice as to when we should tell the children (aged 9 and 6) in relation to his actual departure, once the date is known? He thinks as long as possible because they will be in shock and have lots of questions; I think perhaps two weeks in order to allow time to adjust but to shorten the uncertainty/waiting period. A friend thought perhaps days - shock being better than the agonies of a drawn-out wait for it to happen. Any thoughts/experience welcomed.
welcome brown eyed girl i agree with louise days are best and i had that task of telling the kids and its not easy try not to get upset in front of them even though that is hard . lots of reasurring for them is needed . they will blame themselves mine did but use the links on here .
Hi BrownEyedGirl, how is the situation at home this week?
It must be very hard for you having this enormous task to face, and your anxiety about how your children will react to the news and then how they will deal with the change - on top of your own feelings about your husband moving out.
My experience was one of the toughest things I've ever done, but we did more or less follow the advice points that Louise offers above, and I definitely feel it was the best way. And yes, I did cry, I just couldn't stop myself, but managed not to make that the focus of the whole event.
So I'm sending you a big virtual hug and lots of luck.
Lucy
Hi Brown Eyed Girl, I think that the advice is really good, the only thing I would add is sometimes the children dont want to talk about it and mine who were 11,9 and 7 sometimes just wanted to be normal and not have myself or others saying "how are YOU" in that tone that meant things were tough! Does that make sense?? They are now 22,20 and 18 and totally brilliant but still things can be tough and they do still need to talk about it sometimes. Good luck and be good to yourself, be kind to yourself, this is one of the hardest things that you will get through. I love the idea of a virtual hug!! Wiggy
Hi Brown eyed Girl
Firstly I am sorry to hear what is happening for you.
Your children are at the age where they may be very angry about what is happening and also sad and maybe even blame themselves. When choosing the timing, we have to remember that children's concept of time is different to ours. My own thoughts would be that just a few days is enough otherwise you will all be living with the "is it TODAY that daddy is going?" build-up
Also, one of the most important aspects is that children know where they stand. By the time there are only a few days to go your husand will have secured definite accommodation and you will have some idea of the amount of parenting time he is likely to have.
These are the important things to remember:
Get all four of you together.
Be as honest as you can be, given the ages of the children
Tell them when they will see their dad
Tell them it is not their fault, it is just that mum and dad are not happy together anymore. When they ask why? just say sometimes these things happen in the grown up world.
Tell them that you both love them both very much and NOTHING will ever change that (say this a lot)
Tell them that you understand that they might be sad or angry about what has happened and that it is OK to talk about those feelings to either or both of you.
Of course there will be reactions and you can't stop those, but these factors will ease the way. There is a book you might like to look at here , suitable for your youngest but you can expand it for your eldest. Here is a helpful book for you and your husband too.
Hope this has helped