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This is the first time I've had the confidence to post on here. Went to 'Women's aid' today so started the ball rolling.
I left my ex 20 months ago, but still have to see him regularly becasue he sees his daughter every week. He has her over night on a Friday. He called up 7 times last Friday (I let all go to answerphone, changed both numbers once already) He was demanding an explanation to who 'T' was. He said J our daughter had told him T gives her cuddles and T stays over at my house! Said it wasn't fair to hear that from his 2 year old daughter! He had obviously put words into her mouth as T ... is a train! Thomas the tank engine!!
When he returned her she seemed so angry, kicking, spitting, hitting, biting, throwing things at me. She seemed really violent. My ex never hit me and treats J like a princess. Think she must of been reacting to his behaviour over 'Thomas' :(
That night of the phonecalls I went out and for the first time in 20 months I met someone - no his name isn't Thomas LOL. The lady from 'womens aid' seems to think I might be in danger if he finds out. Just want to live my life and not be under his control any longer. Should I tell this new guy about my ex? If so, how long should I leave it before telling him?
If you've got this far without me boring you, thank you for reading. I look forward to reading the replies and advice.
Thank you Littleangel x So nice to hear you're so happy. It's a long hard journey isn't it. When I was talking to the Women's aid lady I said I'm so glad to be out of the situation. She told me I was very much still in the situation which shocked me in a way but realise she is so right. :(
When ex dropped J back 2 weeks ago he tried to push open my door demanding to know whos car was parked on the road outside my house - he presumed I had a boyfriend (up until 11 days ago I've been single for 20 months - not even looked at another man!) Next door but one were having a party and the car belonged to a guest of theirs. I managed to push the door shut - bruised my arm in the process. He posted a note through the door saying if I had a boy friend and he so much as gives J a hug he'll brake every bone in his body!
Like I said only met this new guy on the 1st of June, wasn't looking for anyone but he seems nice and am I going to live my life under his control as if I were dead for the rest of my life? Just not sure as I've not mentioned anything just yet when I should. It's difficult as I don't want to scare him off but he deserves the truth too :/
xx
Yeah it is difficult hun, it does get easier but like I said my ex still bringing me problems 6 years on and I still rely on anti anxiety meds and sleeping aid BUT I have reclaimed my life and that is what matters.
I know what the womans aid lady means but you have come a really long way by getting out and staying out for 20 months. Yes your ex can (and probably will) still makeyour life difficult but it doesnt mean you have to arrange your whole life around the things he may/ or may not do. When I left ex the solicitor I saw advised me against getting a non molestation order because she felt that based on his history he was likely to become more dangerous if I got one. Now I disagree with that advice and I feel all the professionals I dealt with at the time seemed more focused on 'reducing risk' instead of helping me move forward with my life. Of course you are still in the situation as your ex is still harrassing you and he wont like the fact you have a new partner but you are free now to claim your life and I hope you get the support you need in doing this.
As for new partner I do think you should try and give him somekind of warning just in case he finds himself confronted by your ex.
Take no notice of your ex's questioning about boyfriends he is doing this as a further attempt to gain control. If he tries to barge in again call the police and have a solicitor issue him with a warning letter.
Hi Surviving Mommy and welcome to One Space from me 
I am glad you have met our lovely littleangel
I have removed names that you have given in your messages and inserted initials, so that we keep your anonymity secure.
When I read about T, I was already giggling thinking I bet it was a favourite teddy or something!! 
I would like to thank you for sharing your story and also say a massive Well Done - leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly hard and you sound as though you have been through a rough time.
I am glad that the WA lady reminded you that you are still in 'a' situation, No not the same situation as a couple of years ago, but you do have to remember that he hasn't crawled into the woodwork and he hasn't changed so you do need to be careful. Also remember that some of your actions are still being controlled by him.
I feel that as you have only recently met this new chap you should be taking it very slowly and I disagree (sorry littleangel) that you need to tell him anything right away, because it leaves you open and vulnerable and you still don't know this guy yet.
In the early days of a relationship we often present what we want and we don't get to see the real person, you are still in a vulnerable position emotionally I imagine and this 'romance' should be for fun in the early stages.
I am presuming it is unlikely you will introduce your new chap to your daughter so soon, so let this time be a 'getting to know you' time. Maybe there will be a conversation soon, where you might need to say, oh my daughters father can be a bit possessive, or something similar, but you do not need to launch into everything that has happened in the past, because he may then see you as a 'victim' or an 'easy target'.
However only you can judge the right thing to do, I just want you to consider yourself first and your vulnerability. If your ex turns up while you are seeing someone else, that person will have to look after themselves, it is not your responsibility at this point.
You say that your daughter comes home after a visit behaving violently, my daughter used to do the same. It can be so upsetting, I used to restrain her and then discuss that 'we' do not behave like that. It is ok to be angry or frustrated, but it is not OK to bite, kick, break things, but good to talk about how you are feeling. More often than not she would break down and we could talk. I can now say that she handles her emotions well at 17yrs old! How old is J?
(And you thought your post was long!)
Ahh thank you ladies, wow this site has been a saviour I'll tell you. I'm doing the Freedom project course on here and it's an eye opener and really made me realise just how much I've put up with! Feel a mug but at least I was able to get out of it. My heart goes out to people still in abusive relationships.
Thanks Anna for making the names into initials had no idea I needed to do that.
The new guy I met 'S' knows something is going on as he's already picked up on my vulnerability. He seemed to think it was a positive side of someones personality rather than someone being full of themselves or cocky.
The W.A lady suggested I tell 'S' about my EX (not straight away, but when the time felt right) as if EX finds out I'm dating I could be in danger and so could 'S'.
No not planning to introduce S to kiddies for a good while yet. It's not going to be easy as he works unsociable hours and my Mom n Dad go away most weekends.
When you talk about your daughter being able to talk through her emotions, thats amazing - you truly are a good Mommy :) My J is only 2 though so she's not got the vocabularly to talk things through yet. Her tantrums kicked in when she was about 1 and thats the time when I guess she was witnessing what was going on in her home. It's shocking to think they can pick up on things from such an early age :( so sad, and to think shes' not coping that well - I believe her behaviour is a direct result of that. WA lady suggested getting the 'Family Support Services' involved. Not too sure what they would do. Any ideas? I also have a son, O. He's also witnessed alot of arguments and when EX kicks off outside our house we run upstairs. I try and make it into a game, but I'm sure he has an idea of what goes on. :( Suppose I've conditioned him as when I was in the relationship I'd tell him to stay in the lounge and turn the TV up so he didn't hear shouting etc. He's a sensitive little soul. He's 9. He seems to cope well. Does well at school but have noticed lots of little things that might show anxiety like sometimes he'll go through phases of blinking ALOT or nodding his head repeatedly etc. I've talked to his teacher and told him what was going on so they can support him if need be. The WA lady said the family support would watch us play and teach us to play in a positive way and educate about DV not sure what she means though. :/
Thank you for your replies. I keep checking computer lol :) xxx
It amzing how much kids pick up my daughter was two when I finally got out and she was a VERY anxious and over protective child 9she used to jump on top of me when ex was attacking me - still makes me wanna cry thinking of her doing that) The good news is that once we got out of it and with lots of cuddles and reassurance (again she was a bit young for full-on conversations) she began to be more relaxedand is getting better. with O as he a bit older perhaps family support or school counsellor could be a good idea just so he can learn to understand what has happened and talk through his feelings. But I would suggest any support WA offer you,you should take because it can only do good.
I dont thinkyou should tell your boyf the whole history of your relationship but just a little warning that ex can be possessive or something just so he can be prepared. My current partner (whom I have lived with) still doesnt know the extent of my past relationship soyou dont need to tell anything to indepth.
Ahh your poor daughter seeing him attack you :( thats so sad. Well done for getting out hun, least you've showed your daughter that he wasn't a good role model as a 'man / boyfriend / husband / father', and that it's not acceptable for men to treat women in that way.
I guess I'll see how things go with S and like you say just hint about the possessiveness when the time is right. Thank you for your time and support. xxx
Hi Surviving Mommy. Just wanted to welcome you along, and to say hi. As you've seen already, it's a great site, with endless support and advice. Look forward to getting to know you. Oh, and also wanted to say, Well done you for leaving that relationship. xx
Hi from me too.
Thank you Hazeleyes and Sparklinglime very much :) xx
Hello Survivng Mommy, I have already posted some links to helpful articles for you on the other thread, see here.
You have already had some great input here but I would just like to add that it would be good if you could spend some individual time with your son, to build his confidence and your relationship and so that he feels less anxious. It is also a useful idea for him to join in a group activity such as football or judo.
Please keep a record of texts, calls etc and keep the threatening note you had through the letterbox; ultimately you may need to use them to get a court order.
Thank you Louise x
I love reading all the articles on this site, so educational and reassuring. I've mentioned in one of the posts I've worked with children for 18 years, but am still willing to learn and try different approaches.
O does go to cubs, he loves it, he went to cub camp last week :) He's done lots of different clubs, football, gymnastics and trampolining. When J goes to her dad's I have a whole day with O all to ourselves. I always try to create an opportunity to talk to him but he always says he's fine and doesn't really say much. He spends alot of time with my Dad who is a wonderful male role model for him. He plays golf with him, goes crown green bowling - even enters competitions and goes fishing too. Feel he has a balanced life.
Things are so much better than they used to be. I know I've not excaped from the DV just yet but as a family we've come so far already :)
For the last 20 months have felt like I'm treading water in a rough sea, I've got J in my left arm and O in my right, I'm holding them above the water but sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, Feel my ex has already drowned and he's holding my ancle and tugging me under. It's been a long hard 20 months but I'm still swimming and still staying afloat. Feel like this site has thrown me a life jacket. :)
We will swim alongside you, all the way
Have you signed up for a Freedom Programme? Click to see the free online version.
Yes hun, I'm about 28% through the programme, that's what I mean by the life jacket as well as you lovely ladies. Thank you all so much xxxx
I love the Freedom Programme, glad you are enjoying it (if that is the right way to describe the feeling of waking up and smelling the coffee!)
Thank you Hopeful x
Anna your last paragraph about your little girl making you 'sorry cards' brought tears to my eyes. Wow you've been on a massive journey. Now I see just how far I still have to go :/
Womens Aid are going to try and get the 'Family Support Services' involved. Hopefully they will be able to guide and advise me in what the best thing to do with J will be.
Just realised it's 'Father's Day' this weekend. Went to the shop earlier and looked through some cards, they made me feel sick! 'best dad' and 'my hero' plastered all over them ... Plan B ... we'll make one lol. J can draw and decorate it that way - no awkward words and it should be more precious as it will be made by her.
I like your thinking re: the card - Surviving Mommy
I hope that you hear from the Family Support Services soon.
You are at the beginning of your journey, but you are in control of your life now, not someone else, so grab life with both hands and enjoy
Had to take J to the doctors about her eyes. The Dr said the nurse had told her I told her about the DV, she said she was shocked as he seemed to dote on me, J and O. I said thats why I didn't really want to tell her as she thought the sun shines out of his bum! (basically when J was born I had mastitus through breast feeding for 7 weeks! ended up in hospital for 4 days also had thrush in my milk ducks and nipples and an absess on my breast) So ex had to look after J as hospital wouldn't allow a new born in due to viruses on the ward. So ex was intouch with my Dr and HV - oh how they loved him! She said to me today when the nurse told me I said no you've got the wrong person! I told her he was a very different person behind closed doors. She didn't really say much, I actually started to wonder if she believe me, so I went into more details and gave her examples feeling like I had to justify what I'd been through.
J started to throw her teddy at the Dr, I calmy told her it's not a nice thing to do and to say sorry. I immediatly said she knows what I'm talking about and her behaviour, I belive is linked to what she's been through. The Dr gave her a rubber duck, J started to bite it and spit at it (how embarassing) I asked her not to do that and said if she did it again I'd take it off her, she threw herself onto the floor kicking her legs up and down - big time! The Dr looked shocked, I calmy scooped her up and hugged her. She kept saying she was hot as she'd been having a tantrum now for about 5 mins. I said lets walk over to the window and get some breeze, which she did holding my hand. I said lets blow down your top to make your tummy cooler (cus she was trying to take her dress off) she did and I said 'Oh is that tickling your tummy?' she laughed but still tried to take her dress off. I explained that we were going now and not to take it off. The Dr just sat there typing, god knows what she thought or typed. But that was it really. She just said next time if you want to talk don't bring J. :/
Hi Surviving Mommy
It's awful when we worry about being believed and abusers know that all too well and play on it. They are often oh so charming in front of those closed doors!
Sounds like the doctor thought it had upset J hearing you talk about what had gone on and also was offering you the chance to talk more if you wanted to, in more privacy. I am quite surprised the doctor mentioned it, though, while J was there.
I agree Louise, the doctor shouldn't have mentioned it, however it is good to make the link between J's behaviour and the conversation that was going on around her. She was definitely not liking it.
It is so horrible when we feel that we have to justify ourselves. Please remember thought Surviving Mommy, that you don't have to justify this to ANYONE. You know what went on and you can explain to some people til you are blue in the face, they may never completely understand.
My ex looked after our 2 day old baby in the hospital as I had to go to an appointment, ohh the nurses were swooning over him for days after, regardless of what I said about him. "He was just soooo sweet with the baby, he loves her sooo much" Yeah, I really didn't need to hear that.
Hi Anna and Louise x The lady at womens aid, said sometimes the 'Charming' men are the worst!
Yeah not really sure what I should do now, if she was implying to make another appointment or not. Not really sure what she can do as I'm already in touch with 'womens aid' The nurse said the HV would be intouch but not heard anything in over 3 weeks. So unsure if she meant to go back or just get on with it and see how I get on.
What do you want to do? Would you like to meet with the doctor and talk more? Would you like to chat with the Health Visitor further about what is going on for your daughter?
Personally when I was in your position, I pulled on all the resources that were available, it helped me feel supported and move forward.
If you want further support from professionals, then contact them.
Yes, I agree, I am always very wary of Charming men!
Not really sure what else the Dr can do, if the HV got involved what support would she provide? sorry to be naieve just have no idea. x
I think maybe the Health Visitor would be a good port of call (depending on if you get on with her Ok) My Health Visitor was brilliant during the break up of my marriage and came to see me a few times, it just helped to talk.
Hi surving mommy, I am a survivor too!
Firstly well done for getting out of that relationship and for going to see Womens Aid I know first hand how difficult both of those are.
As for your ex, I am so sorry he is causing you trouble still. If your daughter continues to be affected by his behaviour then maybe see a solicitor about reducing/supervising his contact with her.
I left my ex 6 years ago and met my 'new' partner 5 years ago. Yes my ex freaked when he found out and concerns were raised about my safety but my ex still freaks about my partner 5 years on so some people just dont 'get over it' but you cant let that control your life, as hard and as frightening as it is you have to just take appropriate steps (non molestation order, being vigilent etc) and move on with your life you deserve it!
My partner was told about my crazy ex the first night I met him, mostly because I had my eye on the door the whole night scared he would turn up at the bar, but also asI knew my partner would be at risk of violence from my ex so I felt was best he knew what he was getting in to. Luckily, my partner was not phased by this and has stuck by me through all the things my ex has done.
It is up to you how you want to handle it, but if your ex is likely to cause trouble for new partner then maybe you could warn him.
I wish you lots of luck, and welcome to the site!