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I thought long and hard about posting this one, because i feel a little ashamed about myself.
Its about my grandchild. I don't feel any "nurturing instincts" towards her.
What i do feel when i see her, is a rising sense of anxiety. I find that the little one reminds me of the time when my children were that age, the memories of the struggle, the fear of 'how on earth was i going to cope on my own with two children?'
Rather than react in a way which i had imagined i would react when presented with a grandchild, i find myself having lots of negative feelings and ones which i'd rather not return to. I worry that i will have to look after the child and provide for her, as i've done with my own children. ( her parents are quite young.) I feel a rising sense of responsibility coming up at me like a tsunami and i want to run.
in a nutshell, my head is screaming 'oh no, not babies again, i just got my own to uni last month.'
Everywhere i look, i hear cooing grandmothers and fathers; the whole world appears to be waiting for that moment in time when they become grandparents.
I hear that the other set of grandparents are doing all kinds of things with the baby, i read the other grandmothers posts on facebook ( all of her posts are about the grandchild and lots of cute photos)
It has occurred to me, after some time ( the baby is now 18 months old) that i am a single grandparent, as i was a single mum. I'd never thought about being a 'single' grandparent before.
I feel like an alien when i meet the "other grandmother" and her husband, who've been married since 103 AD. They are what i'd call "the perfect family," they do everything together, the family is very close and they adore their new grandchild. They have great grandparents and everything , the full set. Meanwhile our family exists of me and the children, that's it.
I am aware that the other grandparents look at me a bit like i am a something the dog dragged in. ( think "Margot from 'The Good life', looking at Toms cabbage wine.") I daren't tell them the truth. Which is , i am sorry but i dont appear to have any grandmother feelings, try as i may, all i feel is a sense of alienation and anxiety. I dont have a family like yours and er... er.....
I dont want to be a lone grandmother, because its bringing back some really hideous scary memories of being a lone mother. (You know, that horrible empty feeling when you're pushing a pram with a screaming baby, the csa tell you your ex has depression and therefore is unable to contribute , either financially or physically towards your child...the mortgage hasnt been paid for months and you've taken more days off work to care for the baby ( because you darent tell your boss youre a single parent) and you dont know how long youre going to be eating beans for and the boiler has broken down. Those days :)
Anyway, there we have it, my confession that i am scared of my grandchild and cant bond with her. I feel that i should just be able to suppress my urge to run and get over it, but try as i may, as soon as i see the baby ....... i want to run.
I think what i am most scared of is that maybe single parenthood has left me a little mentally scarred, and its now robbing me of those natural glorious feelings one should feel when presented with a grandchild.. or maybe i'll just call myself granny Himmler.
Perhaps i should have googled before i posted, perhaps there's a MMORPG out there with 15, million single grandparent registered users ( oh there is, its called second life :)
Hi Formica
I'm not surprised that you're feeling as you do, especially as your youngest has only just gone off to uni.
I don't think you should feel guilt either.
I'm curious as to whether you have a son or daughter who's the parent? My Mum felt it made a difference as she said she felt closer to my children than she did to my brother's. She was never quite sure if that was because it's 'different' me being her daughter... I always felt its because I never left home while my brother and sister did.
I never felt a bond with my children as they say you should. It built up over months. However, I could care and make sure they're safe. I figured no one can tell you that you should love.
It seems the grandparents on the 'other' side though are enjoying her. Perhaps they "need" the grandchild to be able to function as what appears to be a normal family - it could be, if all their fb comments are granchild orientated, that their life is quite empty otherwise.
If it were me, I'd be quite happy to let them take on the strain.
My mother, by the way, was furious with me when I told her I was pregnant. I was coming up to 29 and had been married for 7 years. It was compacted by my sister telling her that she was pregnant too - although my sister was coming up to 40, lived miles away and honest, it was pure fluke.
My Mother had been happily telling her nursing colleagues how clever her two daughters were not to have babies...
Do you think that if you were able to accept that you feel this way, rather than worry and feel guilty that it could take some pressure off you? It seems that the 'other' grandparents would mean that there would be no obligation? If you chose to be involved, then that's different, as you would feel you were doing what you felt able to do...
I have to say - and forgive me if this sounds awful - that I'm looking forward to mine becoming settled and on their path in life so I can be me again. I think if I was told that I was going to be a grandparent and I felt it was going to take away my life then I'd be finding it difficult too...
Please, don't feel guilty. We are all different. I think half the battle is trying to accept that what we feel isn't wrong.
(sorry for waffling!)
Great post, sparkling lime, and your point about the Facebook entries is very relevant! I had not thought of that. You weren't waffling...
Hi Sparkling lime,
I feel a lot better hearing that its probably quite normal to feel the way that i do; and yes its true after 22 years of bringing up two on my own i was looking forward to a bit of me time.
The baby is my sons, and yes i do think i'd feel different if it was my daughters baby, because i guess she'd be around here with me, whereas my son has drifted off into his new g/f's family. I do hope that in time i'll feel more attached, perhaps maybe when i am more of a grandmother type age, perhaps when i work less hard and i start wanting to dye my hair blue.
I did giggle a little about your mum being furious with you for getting pregnant at 29.. tee hee, sounds like the perfect age to me. I had my first at 24 and then 27, but i guess whatever age we are, it can often not seem like the most perfect of timing, unless one is planning these things.
I do love people who plan, it must be lovely to be organised :)
I've just had a phone call from my daughter, bless her she's homesick at uni. i best get back to mucking out her room of the 10 plates, 4 mugs and various teaspoons etc.
And lastly, i do love it when you're in your mid 40's and people find out you're a grandmother.. that lovely , "How are you doing "grandma!" comment always helps put a smile on my face .. as i walk off in my 4" stilettos hitching my tight skirt out of my ass cheeks. ( i jest )
Thanks for the lovely comments everyone - may your children keep guard of their eggs for many years to come :)
(and sperm... 
)
Awww, sorry your daughter's feeling homesick.
Am getting C 'done'. Can I do that at such a young age, hehe.
hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL!
Hello Formica
Thanks for this post. Like parenthood, grandparenthood is "supposed" to produce these certain feelings in us. Add that to the media images (especially on TV ads) where everything is rosy and glowing.....and anything less can make us feel inadequate and guilty.
It is not surprising that you feel a sense of anxiety. You survived as a single parent and have a great sense of relief to have come out the other side....only to have the suggestion that it is NOT all over, put under your nose. As for this other family, well, maybe their experience of being parents was an easier one, they have lots of support, and there were two of them and maybe money was not an issue. So instead of Margot looking at Tom's cabbage wine, maybe Margot should be looking at a fine and seasoned port, which has survived many adventures to be here today.
If it is any comfort, I have several friends who have confided to me how much they are dreading being grandparents. They are not all single parents either. Their prevailing philosophy seems to be "I have done my stint, thanks very much. I want to have my own life now"...so you are certainly NOT alone. I don't think you are "mentally scarred", but maybe you are more honest than some people!!!
What do others have to say about this?