Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I know this is a contentious point with many children and teens.

I have always had a rule that once a week, my youngest does his chores and this includes tidying and cleaning his room. He does this after a lot of nagging from me and it does happen, but within about an hour of me deeming it satisfactory, the mess starts piling up again and it soon looks appalling again. He is 19 now, for heaven's sake and I am really fed up of nagging so have decide to try a new tactic

I have had a talk to him, very calmly. I said right, it is silly me nagging you every week to tidy your room, it is your domain. I would like you to bring all pots out once a day and I will not go into your room. You are responsible for changing your own bedding, ask me for some clean covers, you are responsible for bringing your own laundry down, you need to plan it and not expect me to wash things at the last minute, I will always let you know when I am doing a washload. If you wish to change this, I will happy to go back to the former system as long as your room stays tidy, that is the only situation I will tolerate. he agreed to this very readily. Now to stick to my guns when he throws a wobbler wanting a certain shirt for the nightclub.

So my question is....has anything worked for you getting your teens to keep their bedrooms in a reasonable state?

Posted on: September 11, 2013 - 8:04pm
Hopeful
DoppleMe

Hahaha! :-)

No1 son is quite normal. Not too messy, not too OCD. He did leave half a coconut in his room for a couple of months once: that was interesting.

No2 son is very tidy which I found out relatively late. He was sharing with No3 son for a very long time. When No1 son moved out No 3 son got his room. Until then I had always been nagging No2 son to tidy up as I had assumed he was the untidy one (their shared room was always messy) because when No3 son tidies it is always perfect. However, when No3 son moved to his own room, No2 son's room became instantly transformed, so I had to apologise to him big time.

No 3 son is a catastrophe. I know that I am not the world's tidiest person, but he is quite unbelievable. He hoards plates/bowls/cups/glasses/cutlery until someone is brave enough to set foot into this chaos and retrieve said assorted crockery, usually being in danger for their life from whatever bacteria has grown. It has been like this for about 2 - 3 years and it's a battle I've chosen not to fight because No3 son had so many more important problems. 

Daughter is a bit like me. Things go downhill up to a point. Then everything gets tidied up and the deterioration starts again.

They all have to do their own washing because I gave up after they all kept pulling the bottom piece of clothing from whatever stack I gave them to put away, and distributing the rest of the stack all over the floor, so everything would end up back in the wash. 

Other than that I have no recipe! I can ask No2 son why he is tidy, if you like. :-)

Posted on: September 11, 2013 - 11:53pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

The answer would be very interesting, Hopeful. I am like you, things get a bit messy then I blitz. My eldest is like us, too, but not my youngest!!!!!!!

I do agree that you get to a point where there are more important "battles" to fight. I know that the hardest bit of my new plan will be to stick to my resolve not to interfere and not to go in there. In fact I am considering putting a nuclear hazard warning sticker on the bedroom door Laughing

Posted on: September 12, 2013 - 7:06am

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

My three boys share a room.  Eldest is really a disgrace!  I insist on clothes to be taken down, and now dishes to be left in the room.  Probably once a month - maybe less, I'll get them to have a good tidy.  Seventeen year old can be good there, much to the joy of oldest and youngest!

Daughter is probably the worse!  To be fair, her room is barely bigger than a box room, so her stuff on the floor (including college files) looks worse as it is so condensed.

I do tend to close their doors!!

I'd like to say my room is prestene...  It's not too bad, but room for improvement.

Posted on: September 12, 2013 - 7:20am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Oh sparkling, do we have to mark you as a "must try harder"? haha Seriously, I did think about the state of my own room before tackling youngest as I was worried he would turn round to me and say pot kettle. I expect you have to keep on top of the boys' room with having the three of them in there. It's all the pots teens just leave in their rooms that get on my nerves!

My friend's daughter was the messiest person in the world and he used to say you can't go out with your friends until you have tidied and she would go to her room and just look out of the window and still not do it.  She is grown up now and keeps her OWN house very nicely, tut.

Posted on: September 12, 2013 - 7:31am

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

The main problem with me is the hoovering, but if the hoover's downstairs, I've had it!  I'll have a mad day on Saturday where we have all agreed to have a good tidy up.  

We shall see Smile

 

Posted on: September 12, 2013 - 12:27pm

hazeleyes
DoppleMe

I know C isn't yet a teen, but I've kind of trained him in the hols. Refuse to pick up dirty clothes, they just won't get washed, no longer will bring out wrappers, empty glasses etc. So far, I've only reminded him a fe times, and he is keeping it tidyish so can't really complain (yet)

have to say though, the kitchen is the Pitts, with absolutely no cupboard space.

Posted on: September 12, 2013 - 2:44pm

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Oooohhh gooodnesssss meeee, this was a sore point with me! I have spent years on my daughters case, then one day I said thats it, you are not taking food or drinks into your room and I am not going to nag you anymore. She tends to change her sheets randomly and her room is a complete tip and the thing I find surprising is that she knows exactly where everything is, however I now choose to ignore it completely and shut the door when I am passing!

When I was her age (18) I was no different and my mum used to be exasperated and said on a number of occasions one day you will have a daughter and you will understand, well hats off to you mum, my time has come! Smile

These days I am generally a tidy person, pretty much once I got my own space I changed!

Posted on: September 12, 2013 - 4:11pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

Well, when somebody comes up with THE solution, make sure I get to know it!!! :-)

Posted on: September 13, 2013 - 12:29pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Yes indeed, I would like to find it too Smile

Posted on: September 13, 2013 - 4:29pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

So long as they remember to patent it so they make the £millions they'll deserve!

Posted on: September 13, 2013 - 5:44pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

HAHA sparkling Laughing

Personally I feel reassured when I know it is almost every parent that has this problem and also I liked what Anna said about banning food and drink from the bedroom. I have told my son that this is what I will do unless there is daily transfer of pots downstairs.

Posted on: September 14, 2013 - 9:40am

Hopeful
DoppleMe

I am not banning food and drink. At least this way there is a potential goldmine because one of these days I will offer the result of two-week-old risotto to GSK or Pfizer or Astra Zeneca and make a fortune. 

 

Posted on: September 14, 2013 - 1:20pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

haha, excellent Hopeful Wink

Posted on: September 14, 2013 - 6:50pm

happy mamma
DoppleMe

Hi

 

I couldnt pass this when i saw it..........

I now only have my son at home he is 16 and although his room was never tidy it seems to have taken a change for the better. HOW I HEAR YOU ASK...........

1. Left all plates and cups from food and drink

2. Stopped collecting his washing

3. Stopped popping in and 'doing a quick tidy'

The result was a disgusting rotton mess that got to the point (in the summer while hot) where he came in with his friend who was staying over opened the door and his friend decided NOT to stay.

I then reminded him of Kim and Aggie on How Clean is your house and how he used to watch in disgust.

I think you have to let it get as bad as it can before they realise. If your childrens friends pop round invite them to 'view' the room of said child.

Last week I could not locate the hoover - 'found' in sons room used and cable wrapped back up. Pots brought down, washing I ask once doyou have any washing, the reply i get is dark or whites?

I really am a Happy Mamma now..........

As for my girls they have all left home they were very untidy at home but have beautiful houses - even the 20yr old who has just moved out with her little one and my house is spotless now too (was only ever their mess anyway)

 

HM

 

Posted on: September 17, 2013 - 1:48pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I do get them to bring the bowls and plates down or I run out! Smile

Posted on: September 17, 2013 - 3:30pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

That sounds like a plan, HM! I have my new rule of bring all pots down once a day. Preferably five minutes before he does all the washing up Sealed

At the moment the new scheme is going well, in that it has taken the angst out of it all. I know he is hoping to try living with a friend independently soon and we had a little chat about decluttering and how there would be two drawers here he could leave things in and other than that he would need to take all his stuff or discard it.

Posted on: September 18, 2013 - 6:43am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Update on the messy room situation...

Good: He brings pots out once a day as requested. He has considerably reduced the amount of laundry he produces.

Bad: His room smells. I have sneaked in there with a lavender air fresh block and hidden it behind a box on top of his wardrobe, as the smell wafts out onto the landing, yuk

When he gets a new girlfriend I will cash in on the smelly thing with lots of remarks but until then I am letting it all happen.

Posted on: October 16, 2013 - 12:48pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Good luck.

After the boys have been in the living room it even smells of teenage boys.

I like the idea of hiding an airblock!  I'm sure I have one under my sink, actually...

Posted on: October 16, 2013 - 5:40pm

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Thanks, i have just purchased said air freshner that i am going to smuggle into son's room when he goes to football Wink

Posted on: October 16, 2013 - 6:38pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

heh heh, I did give him some shoe-mice to put in his trainers (air fresheners) and he was quite keen on those while The Girlfriend was coming round.

Posted on: October 16, 2013 - 8:00pm

loneparenthelp

I have two sons 17 and 19 and both are very messy. I have now refused to go in their rooms, wash their clothes unless in the basket which is 1 foot from both doors lol or change their sheets.

It just annoys me so much that clean washing is dumped on a chair or the floor and then ends back up in the washing pile later Sealed.

I would love to know the answer but have had to decide to tackle the other big problems instead. I was always advised "choose your battles" and that is certainly a good saying!

Posted on: November 22, 2013 - 3:03pm

loneparenthelp

I have just read and got off this site a copy of the family contract so may use this to put on my wishlist of things i want the boys to do in exchange for their wishlist.

Maybe this would help some of you out?

Posted on: November 22, 2013 - 3:08pm

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

That wise saying is certainly true loneparenthelp, i don't nesscarily have a contract with my son but we have a deal, that if he keeps room reasonably tidy, changes sheets put clothes, towels in wash each week then i will cut his hair (this is his big thing at the moment) I have used the contract succesfully before so it is worth giving it ago.

 

Posted on: November 22, 2013 - 3:23pm

Abra
DoppleMe

I find closing their bedroom doors and letting them get on with it works for me!!! If they want their rooms like that, it is their room.  Eventually my four can't stand their own mess and tidy up. 

It has improved drastically since two of them began serving in the British Army as they have to be immaculate in keeping their room tidy at Barracks and has rubbed off at home as well.

So long as I have my own tidy space in my bedroom and the bathroom, lounge and kitchen are ok, how they keep their rooms is up to them.

Over the years I have tried many tactics, shouting and yelling, begging, persuading, bribery.  Now I just let them get on with it and close their doors.

 

Take Care

Posted on: December 12, 2013 - 10:15am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I am sure the Army influence has been a big help, Abra. I honestly thought that shame would evenutally kick in with my son and he would do it. Not so. My recent last straw came when I realised that not only did the room smell, it was littered with empty yoghurt pots, discarded tetra packs and......a boxful of chicken bones EEEEURRRRGH

So I said to him "Ok you are 19 and I have not interfered re your room for three months, I thought you were adult enough to sort it out yourself. I see and smell that this isn't the case, so I need to go back to treating you like a child. Therefore I will check your room twice a week, 5pm Mondays and Fridays and if it is not done properly, you will transfer from your comfy bedroom to the boxroom where there is no TV point and you have only a tiny space to make a mess. You now have until 8pm to declutter this room. Here is a bin bag. The alternative to this is that I will come in and fill several bin bags with great pleasure"

This was true authoritarian parenting and not my style at all. However, I have found that if you hardly ever use it, it works if occasionally trotted out. So far, so good. He decluttered and has kept it much more reasonably and even said to me last night "I have a busy day tomorrow, I have my room to do before I go to the gym".

Posted on: December 13, 2013 - 8:20am