sparklinglime
DoppleMe

The Git that happens to be the Father of my children - who hey, yes are practically grown up.  He and The Gittess somehow manage to squeeze in a couple of visits a year. 

These visits always cost ME money.

I so want to eff and blind.  If someone was to take my blood pressure now the machine would explode.

Last Christmas it cost me £30 for him to get to Llandudno from Anglesey to meet him at the cinema.  

This visit he told the children he was going to take them out for a meal to celebrate his graduation.  Seems there's been a change of mind.

They're to meet him at the flambarding cinema in Llandudno tomorrow evening. 

I have to fork out money for a joiner tomorrow.  I just had  about enough money.  This means it will be coming out of the food budget. 

The bastard is out to break me.  I'm lucky in that I get £56 a month maintenance - for two now.  For a long time it was £32 a month for four as he hid a second job.

I know he does this with a lot of thought.  He does this as he knows I will make sure the children see him. 

I want the children to not want to see him.  I need them to understand the hardship this is causing us as a family.  I do not see him as part of our family in anyway.

What if I was to refuse to pay for the petrol?  What happens then?  My daughter was already in tears telling me his plan. 

I have felt sick all week knowing he was coming.  Knowing that he was going to do this to me.  

I could go on and on.

I want to scream and jump up and down and stamp my feet - but I know my hips aren't up to it.

Not an iota of my body wishes him well.  Yet he will always come up smelling of roses.  Only me gets affected by this.  No one else, but me.

Posted on: July 18, 2014 - 4:08pm
Hopeful
DoppleMe

There is not much I can say to this. What happens if you say to him that you can't take the children to where he wants to meet them and he has to pick them up from say the in-laws? (I am sure you've thought of this already, and there is a good reason why you can't, I am just fishing....). Why was your daughter crying? 

Mine don't want to see my personal git anymore, they've seen through him. But then he never demanded that I bring them to where he wanted to be, I always made the rules and in writing very politely. I did this quite openly with the children, so they could see I wasn't unreasonable. 

If I could, Sparkling, I'd send you some money now, so you don't have that worry. :-(

Big hug xxx

Posted on: July 18, 2014 - 7:54pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi sparkling

I so, so, SO sympathise as you are going through a worse version of my own situation. I felt so hurt and betrayed that they continued to love him despite, as you say, the way he caused us hardship.

Personally I feel you need to be guided by two things now: your children's feelings and financial reality. Was your daughter crying because she knew how hard it would be for you or because she wanted to see her dad? Your children are all grown up now and they are big enough to understand what's what. I honestly, truly think that "I'm sorry, I have not got the money for that" is the answer. This is NOT stopping them seeing him...HE is stopping them seeing him if he insists on subsidies. He could get to see them via his mum, as Hopeful says.

Time to take a stand in my opinion, sparkling, and if it hurts them not to see their dad then IT IS HE WHO HAS HURT THEM, not you. Sorry to be tough. Sometimes the children have to see reality.

Posted on: July 19, 2014 - 7:50am

Skyflower
DoppleMe

Louise is very right about that Sparkling, and you will feel better in that position too,

I so hope you can work it out that way, big hug xx

Posted on: July 19, 2014 - 1:49pm

pancakequeen
DoppleMe

Hi Sparkling,

I think Louise is right too. How would you feel about taking a stand now and saying no? As Louise said you'll only be saying no to funding the trip, not to the trip itself.

Big hugs xx

Posted on: July 20, 2014 - 11:43am

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Thank you, all of you. 

This place is so safe to rant.

My daughter was in tears as the original arrangement had been to go out locally for a meal.  Her boyfriend had taken a night off work to go with them. My eldest chooses not to see The Git anymore.

All things were made worse by not having been invited to the wedding of my boss's son yesterday.  A few from work were going.  I have known the boy (now 26) since he was a bump.  That has hurt me. 

To top it all off the joiner wasn't able to come.  That took pressure off money.

I have had a message off my ex-step-mother-in-law's daughter to say The Git and Gittess have left.

Today is my friend's birthday.  Yesterday we went out for a birthday tea with his younger son, which was nice.  Today we've had an ice cream.  

I could not cope with the guilt of not funding the fuel for them to go.  The anger the children would feel would be unbearable.  At least now the daughter can drive them there.

Hopeful - thank you. xx

Posted on: July 20, 2014 - 5:19pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I understand, sparkling, and thank goodness it is over for this time. I was talking with a friend about this same topic today in that she has a son of 15 and he has had to face some harsh realities about his dad lately, she said to me how glad she was that when the possibility of hurt had reared its ugly head and she had consulted with me a year ago, and I had said more or less what I said to you, sparkling, that she had managed to back off and let him face it. We said that in a way it is like the tooth fairy, that we create a safe fantasy for younger children but they realise about reality as they grow and maybe them realising things is part of the job we do as parents in sitting by them as they learn to function in the grown up world. So harsh. If I could protect my sons from every hurt possible then I would do it, I can't bear to see them unhappy and yet one of the challenges we face as parents of young adult children is that we have to stand by. Wow, it's tough to be a parent. I take my hat off to you all!

Posted on: July 20, 2014 - 9:51pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I like the thought of the tooth fairy...

My mother-in-law phoned me yesterday.  She is so angry about how he treats the children.

The Gittess has two daughters.  One pretty and clever (and a really lovely girl - I've met her), and the other with mental problems.  The Gittess has nothing to do with the second daughter nor does she speak to her parents.  They did have BBQ to celbrate the graduation.  The Gittess's daughter was there.  Apparently she went to The Git's graduation too.  My lot have never been included in anything family, although I cannot say that to MiL who left them out of my FiL's 80th birthday party!

I have made the decision that next time The Git does come up - I'm guessing December - that I am going to sit the three down (oldest doesn't have much, if anything, to do with him now.  He only drove them to Llandudno last December as I asked him to, as there was a red weather warning at the time!) and explain things to them.

I don't think they should put any effort into seeing him now.  Youngest will be 15 years and 10 months by then.  Old enough I think to handle the truth.

I'm just not sure if I'll be strong enough then to suggest they don't see him.

MiL did all she could by suggesting that he take them out for a meal.  Finding out he didn't gave him another talking to.  He's had a few home truths from her.  I know it will be like water of a duck's back though.

I need to write to the CSA as The Git will be starting a new job as an Occupational Therapist.  Perhaps there will be a bit more maintenance that will come this way... Hopefully with the RTI pay system they will be able to catch up with him pretty quickly.

He's an absolute disgrace of a parent.

Thank you all once again. xx

Posted on: July 22, 2014 - 6:44am

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I'm not sure that suggesting that they don't have contact is the way to go, especially as you will find it difficult to do, i would probably just tell them the truth and leave it up to them to decide, your eldest has already made that decision, the others will follow suit when the time is right for them too.   

Posted on: July 22, 2014 - 7:48am

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I've had my oldest in tears this morning, telling me how he doesn't care about his Dad.  He's been no answering his mobile when his Dad phoned him last week.  I have told him that he is able to make his own decision on whether or not he cares, and I can understand how he feels...

My daughter has come home from her boyfriend's in tears.  Having seen the photos on FB of The Git's graduation.  The Gittess's daughter there as she was invited.  Celebrations over the weekend on their too - again, my four were not included in what should be family.

I hugged her.  Told her the four of them will always come first... 

What power does this "man" have to affect the children so much?  My son is 22 and daughter 20...  

I suggested that should he come up again that they say something like 'we are free on Friday for you to take us out for a meal at the pub up the road'.  And to stick to it.  His mucking around with the days after a hard end of term possibly hasn't helped.

Posted on: July 22, 2014 - 12:52pm

Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi sparklinglime, your poor children are all beginning to feel confused and hurt by his actions.

I am thinking don't wait until December to have your talk with them, hold a family meeting this weekend when you can all sit around and discuss the latest situation. It is all very current in their minds.

I think you can tell them that you have always tried to protect them, always fought for him to see them, always covered expenses for them to see him etc, but actually now you are fed up with it, fed up with him hurting them, fed up with them being left out. Tell them that you have always wished for them to have a great relationship with him, but unfortunately he isn't living up to your standards and you can't keep it up anymore.

They are all so much older now, you have done the admirable thing, you aren't telling them Not to see him, you aren't telling them that He is a bad person and you aren't telling them to Hate him. You are just stating your truth, I think they can handle it and it may be good for them to hear it.

No more excuses or covering for him, it is what it is. What do you think?

Posted on: July 22, 2014 - 4:56pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Thanks Anna.

It's difficult at the moment to have a family conference as eldest is rarely in!  He's not in a good place at the moment, although perhaps now this is out the way he may improve.

I'm not sure how C would deal with it.  Youngest won't be bothered, I know.

The younger three and I are going to MiL's tomorrow.  She's still blazing at it all, so perhaps that will be a good time to have a chat.

 

Posted on: July 24, 2014 - 10:39pm

sergiozed
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi sparkling, doesn't sound like you have much choice but to put it to the children. You have done all you can and then some to keep their relationship going, but what he's doing now is really beyond salvaging. And the children are all old enough to see that you are not stopping them but telling them the truth. 

Let us know how it goes with the MiL, she sounds like she can help you explain how things are with their dad!

Posted on: July 25, 2014 - 8:19am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I do agree with Anna, sparkling. Hope you can find a way Smile

Posted on: July 26, 2014 - 7:19am

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

It seems to be agreed that should he bother coming up, that next time they will tell him when they are available to meet at the local pub for a meal.

If he says he's not able to meet them then, they refuse to make other arrangements. 

The younger two aren't too upset.  At the end of the day my youngest was 6 when he last spent significant time with the Father.  Youngest is now 15.

Things are calmer.

Thank you once again.

Until the next time...

Posted on: July 26, 2014 - 3:47pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Well done, I know it is hard to face, not "just" for us as parents but in our protectvie care of our children. Remember the tooth fairy Wink

Posted on: July 26, 2014 - 6:05pm

pancakequeen
DoppleMe

Glad you have a solution sparkling x

Posted on: July 27, 2014 - 8:59am

Anna
Online
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Well done sparklinglime, they are learning how to manage their relationship with their dad without you. That sounds great! Laughing

Posted on: July 28, 2014 - 10:33am

Skyflower
DoppleMe

Fantastic solution Sparkling, so well done xx

Posted on: July 28, 2014 - 4:29pm