Hey there
Just wondered if anyone else out there has the same problem as me! I took my ex to court in 2010 for half custody and residencey for my son and won. We split in Dec 2009 and since then I was paying £140 per month to CSA. When I won throught the courts my payments only went down to £112! CS have taken all the dates off me when I have had him since we split and it works out so far she has him 20 nights more than me in a year. ( I am a teaching assistant and have my son more or less all through the holidays to spend axtra time with him) I still have the october holiday to come and christmas holidays yet to come which will work out she will probably only have him about 10 nihgt more than me if that!
I have complained to CSA and I am going forwards before a tribuneral. However the case worker told me on the phone after looking at the dats and the info I had given him that I probably wont get anywhere because its 'the law'. And that if I want to go to my local PM or set up a pertition before court then I can.!!
My ex gets the child benefit money, has him half the time and I still have to pay her like I am a weekend farther!
It costs me as much as it does her to feed him clothes for him, nappies, toys, accessories etc etc. What is wrong with this country, I am a working dad that wants all the time I get with my son and I dont beleive it fair I should have to pay £1300 a year for that amount of time extra she has our son more than me.
I am not looking forwards to court as already been told basically its a no hoper :(
Some advice or support would be much appreciated
Thank you
Hi Anna
Thanks for replying. My ex is not a reasonable person so that would be a no go. It cost me £5k through courts and I am now having to go back as she has stopped my current partner from picking my son up from nursery making life very difficult for us.
Hi Karina. Have just read your reply to another post, then this one, and got quite confused, until it dawned on me, you are writing this on behalf of your partner. How long have you been with him? I ask this because you say his ex won't let you pick their child up from the nursery. I just wondered what the reason for this is.
Hi , yes it is me and my partner.
There was no reason for her stopping me, i turned up to nursery to collect him one day and she told the nursery staff no one was allowed to collect B.L except what it stated in the court document (the applicant will pick him up from nursery). This was imediately after xmas.
So our solicitor wrote to her saying the document shouldnt be shown to third parties and requested in writing that I could start picking him up again as things like emergencies and J's work can colide - she then changed her mind and replyed blood relatives can collect him (as she went in hospital for a week and realised it cant just be her or J that collects him and that in fact she had help on her families side when she was ill) So as she contradicted herself on that matter - we are having to return to court again to ask this contract be ammended because she has no good reason to stop me,. We have been together 2 years and are engaged. Me and my daughter were also in the caffcass report when we went through court.
She doesnt realise the affect and arkward this has on our lives and that her son does not benefit from this - as if ever hes at nursery and J has to work that day I cant collect him ealy to be at home or come out with me and my daughter, so hes missing. Or she does realise what she's doing and thats the way she likes it! I will never understand the mentallity!
Hello karina
It sounds as if there is a lot of confusion all round. Maybe the child's mother would agree to sort this our via mediation?
Re the child support, the person who holds the Child Benefit entitlement is the one who is deemed to have residency and the "usual" percentage payment of child support is reduced by the CSA in respect of the nights per year that the other parent cares for them. I agree the law can be unfair! A friend of mine had to take on an evening job as well as her day job when she remarried, as the new husband was supporting a child from his previous marriage, even though his exwife had a great deal of money and a very swish lifestyle.
However, over my ten years of supporting separated families I have spoken with scores of parents who are upset that they have little contact with their children and I would therefore say your partner is very fortunate to have secured so much parenting time with his son, even if the financial aspects are difficult.
There is no confusion its just the only part she has left to control in his life.
She left J when their son was 3 months old and left him with J for a whole 3 weeks until she come back for him.
As she always wanted to go out clubbing J was landed with their son from fri - sun every week after that and also every time she asked him to have him on top of that, he would never say no - it suits her being a part time parent while she gets the money for him.
So when it come to getting this half custody and residency she didnt really have a leg to stand on as she had been letting J have him so much and asking him to to suit her wants. So the calender showed he had him 3 -4 times a week consistently since the split.
She obviously contested this in court and didnt expect J to be awarded it. Then leading to me all of a sudden being the bad person one day and stoppped my collecting him. She has stated that if J can never do it she is more than happy to collect him and drop him off to him.
This is not going to happen as now she has started working and their son is in nursery full time (as of this week).
As we speak J has just had to drive to nursery feeling very unwell to collect him/. My view on this is he shouldnt have to. I said to him why dont you call her and ask her if she can get him and drop him off here like she has offered through solicitors and he wouldnt do it - he chooses to bend over backwards for his son and to contact her as least as possible. (we have all had a tummy bug and he is obviously next on the list to get it)!!
So it is just the arkwardness she likes we feel, she wants to be needed and in control of something. It would have interesting to know if she would have made herself available today like shes offered if J couldnt have done it.
Its a very un neccassary situation to be in but un forunately some people thrive on it. I have written her a letter in the past asking her why wont she be amicable and to get on for her son as thats all that interests me and she repleyed a text to j saying she wasnt interested in any s**t I had to say. Shortly after that we had to contact police because she was sending text after to text to J causing us stress around christmas time and thought she could stop jun from seeing his son on christmas day. (christmas day was a saturday and bearing in mind js days were fri - sun every week) she still threatned it. Luckily enough the court order came through days before xmas and she came unstuck and as a matter of fact because she turned like this j didnt have to let her see him over that weekend as it was his time and she had undone the agreement they agreed 4 weeks before for that weekend (as thats what the court document says, agree special times between you 4 weeks in advance) she then co operated with the police when she realised she wasnt in control anymore and asked J could they go back to their original agreement and J agreed as he would never deny his son seeing his other parent on a special day.
But it still never stops her slandering me or j on facebook (we here all the time) when she causes the hole lot! It is very fustrating.
We only have this little matter of collecting him for nursery and school to go now and when it returns to court caffcass will be involved and they have been very supportive.
karina, initially I thought I was responding to a father with issues with shared care. I am afraid that this site is probably not the best place for you to seek advice and support with your issues.
May I recommend Family Lives who have have a forum specifically for stepfamilies.
nursery cannt refuse this - the only way they can stop your partner picking up is court ordered - as long as you go to nursery and introduce them - some nurserys have a password scheme
have you thought of going to csa website - i think you have calculator there - also - dont quote me on this - but buying them clothes etc counts to cost - csa benefits csa and the resident parent not the child
the term DV means living with someone or once lived with sonmeone and, so i read, extended family - its also classed as DV not spending money allocated for a chil on a child but this is hard to prove
Hi there karina, I have a friend who has similar issues with his ex. The only advice I can offer you is to contact Jean our Expert on the CSA, although I am not sure if she can tell you any more than you already know I'm afraid.
It does seem unfair, unfortunately I guess one solution may be to ask your ex for half the child benefit money?