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I'm back here to ask for some more advice, or at least share with you my thoughts. Here goes: The Ex has now been paying next to nothing in Child Support for exactly a year by the end of this month. In that time, the children and I lost our family home and have been living with my parents for 10 months. I have managed to repay a total of nearly £10,000 in debts during this time as my parents took very little money in rent/utilities etc.
In September, I start a new permanent teaching job (albeit part-time) and my brother had very kindly offered to give up his home so that I and my 2 daughters can have our own home again. The girls' father has had his contact throughout this time. He has paid a total of £400 in 12 months and was deemed nil assessment by the CSA in April. He was paying off arrears (due to being in work briefly and not paying a penny) of £50 a month but I received a phone call the other day telling me he has now cancelled his direct debit.
Now, what I am asking is this: Seeing as he clearly has no respect, consideration or inclination towards the value of Child Maintenance, should I fight him at his own game and use the only action that will penetrate his small brain? I don't advocate doing this but I feel unless I make a stand, he will continue to pay nothing and I will struggle like mad whilst he swans about. I am considering refusing contact until he stumps up at least the £350 arrears he owes. This is now a matter of principal. yes, I hate him; yes, I wish he wasn't a part of the girls lives, but they love him and he does at least have the right to see his children. However, nothing will change unless I take steps.
What do you all think? This isn't a knee-jerk reaction by the way. I've quite calmly and rationally been thinking about this for a few weeks but with the cancellation of the arrears payment, it's given me new drive.......
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You have answered this yourself really - The children love him.
So who would you really hurt with that stance. My first husband messed everyone about lots, and yes, we lost the house because of him not paying for anything (no food, no electric or gas, no mortgage and later no maintenance), and he took the car - so the children couldn't go to swimming lessons anymore, but I NEVER used the children as bargaining tools. It's not their fault this has happened. His behaviour is probably hurting them enough already, so do not make it worse.
In my case, he started not turning up for their meetings, so I said contact was to be through the contact centre - this worked for a while, and it was just the meeting point, so he was able to take them out - even the one overnight trip they had. But then he stopped going there, too. For years I asked them, if he wanted to, would they want to see him, and they always said yes - until about six months ago. (and they are 15, 16 and 18 now).
Please do not add this pressure to your children. It's not about you feeling bitter that he's not paying money. The contact situation is - in my view - totally separate. He doesn't pay, so the children don't get to see him? Wrong!!!
By the way - the CSA have told me that they will be after my ex till he has paid me all the arears - no matter how old the children are by then! :-)
Hi
I do have an idea of what you've gone through, sadly. I've been through something similar...
If it were me, no I wouldn't withdraw contact. The children love him, and really it would be them that would be hurt.
I never found a way to get decent maintenance from my ex, but then neither do my children know this (they're pretty well grown up now, with my youngest being 14).
Thank you all for your honesty. So basically I have to 'lump it' financially...as I have been doing for the past year. The CSA have no authority. They told me they cannot take money from him because he doesn't have an employer. I know all this. I've read up on it for more hours than I care to think about. If he can get away with not paying, working cash in hand which I'm supposedly responsible for proving, then he must feel above any 'enforcement agencies' and therefore will continue to shirk his financial responsibilities until the loopholes in Child Law are tightened.
I have no other option that to keep plodding on and hope I don't go under again mentally; as if I do, he'll be there to get the contact order changed so that he and his g/f can have shared care. Over my dead body. So, it's the lesser of two evils!
If it's any consolation: My ex didn't pay anything for years and years (I think he went to work abroad to escape this), but the minute he had an employer the CSA was on him and went straight for his salary for a while.
And while he wasn't paying anything I went from emergency income support (as I wasn't working at the time - my youngest was only 3 when this all started) to employed and looking after everyone by myself. Such an achievement and it's made me stronger for sure!
You can do it!!!!
IMO no you shouldn't withhold contact
its not your children's fault he hasn't paid.
good luck
Hi sarahb34, you have come so far and you will continue to do so. Rather than thinking that he was won this battle, if you 'choose' to take this no further then you are on the winning team.
Keep going you are doing a great job, don't let resentment build up, as sparklinglime says, the children grow up and see what is really going on one day.
Hi Sarah
I just wanted to say I am so impressed by your approach and everything you have achieved. What a great family you have as well. You have looked after your children so well. You're obviously a strong lady.
It helped me to see that I am 100% responsible for my children and my ex is 100% responsible for them too. Before that I was looking at it more like 50/50.
So before when he wasn't helping out it seemed like 90/10 which really made me hate him. However, with the new maths the percentage he does is irrelevant as it doesn't change my 100%.
Not sure if that makes sense to anyone else but it did to my brain!
Whilst it is wrong if he breaks the law and if he fails to pay for the children when he can/fails to work enough to be able to provide for his children he is a weak and useless individual, none of that changes the fact that you are not weak. You are your children's consistency. He is just "also there".
Instead of thinking (as I imagine would be tempting) that your brother shouldn't have had to give you his house, try and concentrate on the blessing that is your brother and his house. I know i would be very resentful of my ex if I was in your position - thinking along the lines of "exH is lucky brother is helping us" but in reality removing him from the equation is far better.
I wish you all the best with it. Try and get as much support from others as you can but also keep patting yourself on the back and looking how far you have come.
Love Gem
x
hi, my ex pays next to nothing (five pounds weekly)
he reduced his hours at work when CSA contacted him for maintenance
and now hes given up work altogether
the way i see it is that i will keep contact going as long as children are happy to see him and when they are old enough they will see him for what he is.
also i think that fathers like this soon lose interest anyway so you may find that after a while he starts withdrawing or getting bored with contact himself.
stay strong xx
Hi sarahb34, have moved your query to another sectioon so we can give it the proper time and attention, rather than it getting lost in the chatroom.
I am sure you know that in terms of law, contact and child support money are two separate things, however this is not what you are asking, you are asking what we think about you witholding contact in order to force his hand.
Before you do this, please email our Child Support Expert about the money side of things. If there is anything to be done there, she will know about it! If there isn't, then we come back to your question.How much would it upset the children not to see their dad? considering them is the most important thing, as you know.
If you want to use this bargaining power, my inclination would be to write him a letter along the lines of "Dear X, I am disappointed that you are not making any financial contribution towards the bringing up of your children. The children and I lost our home as a result of our separation and I have worked very hard to make things better for them. If you care about their welfare then I expect you to do the same. Please tell me what you are intending to do in terms of finances. I am inclined not to co-operate with contact arrangements until we have some agreement about this"
I hope you can do something through official channels though, so see what Jean our expert has to say.