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On again with another parenting dilema - sorry!
Today is "telephone contact" day agin, and every time the subject of her dad is mentioned it is like there is an elephant in the room, because I havent been honest with angel about her dad.
In 2010 when supervised contact was arranged Angel hadnt seen her dad for 4 years and she was only six. On the way to the first contact session I asked her if she had any memories about her dad and she said "yeah I think I remember him sitting on top of you and strangling you" I felt panicked and immediately told her that never happened and must have been a dream - of course it wasnt, but I didnt want to send her for a reunion with that on her mind.
Since then she always asks me things like "why dont you like my dad" "are you scared of him" etc I have been honest and told her I dont like him but it is only becasue we dont get on and he loves her etc. But I dont think she is convinced.
Today her dad was telling her on the phone never to let anyone hurt her etc. When she came off the phone to him she asked me outright "did my dad ever hurt you?" Again I panicked and changed subject as I just dont know what to say. Mostly I am scared of being honest and then how she will feel if court awards him contact, I dont want her to be fearful of him. Secondly, I just dont know what/how to say what really happened or even if she is old enough to understand?! And finally, I havent been able to admit the violence to any of my family (not sure why)and I am scared she will tell them and then more uncomfortable questions...
I always feel that I should be honest with children but just dont know whether I should on this particular subject. Am I wrong to keep denying/avoiding this subject?
Thanks Hopeful, How old were your lot when you teld them? or did they witness it? Maybe I could just tell i dont want to talk about it instead of outright denying & lying about it.
I think I would seek advice from somewhere like womens aid too because i am sure they will be able to help
I personally think she is to young to truly understand that stuff and details shouldn't be told until she is alot older....if people (SS) found out you had told her that, I imagin you would be in big trouble and as if you was trying to turn her against her father , we know this isn't the case and you only want the best for her but you need to look at it from an out siders point of view.maybe just sit down and vaguelyyell her that Daddy was a bad man tto you but not tell her details yet....oh it must be so so hard. Watching your child talk to such a horrid man but its going to be her choice to make....I'm not saying my advice is the right advice at all as I've never been in this situation but I really hope you do what's best for her (which no doubt you will) but also cover your own back if you do tell her x
thanks guys, I definately wont tell her any details but Im more concerned with answering her direct questions such as "did my dad hit you" I feel awful lying but dont want to scare her. And at the same time she DID see things happen with her own two eyes and must have some memory of it but I tell her it was a bad dream and I feel that is wrong for me to say but at the same time I dont want her to be panicked if/when court grants contact. I think I will ask for CAFCASS advice on the matter when they come round and in the mean time I just have to avoid the questions.
I hate that her dad is just so unfazed by anything he has done, I feel so guilty for what she has been through and on the couple of occasions I tried to speak to him about it and the affect it has had on her he just completely will not accept it. He says she too young to remember or says thousands of children see things and they just get on with it, so the guilt is all mine to carry 
Angel, my youngest is almost 14 now! They have kind of known all along that this one was violent, and I can't really say how long they've known that he did hit me. They've not seen him since I met my second husband though, so it's not an ongoing concern.
They did not ask the direct questions your daughter seems to be bothering you with! It's a good idea to go back to women's aid and ask them! :-)
Oh Littleangel,
This is a toughie, I can't offer any constructive advice, I would speak to Woman's Aid I think they should have a telephone outreach service that may offer general advice.
Luckily I don't have this dilemma ahead my Daughter now 11 has come to her won conclusion and now refers to her Father as "it" and the "the thing", she is in Foster Care and has come to this conclusion on her own. After years of thinking I had protected her from him, I realise they remember so much more than we realise.
Thinking of you.
I would be inclined to tell her a very watered-down version of the truth. So the answer to "Did daddy hurt you?" could be something along the lines of "Daddy and mummy sometimes had fights, yes, but there is no need for you to worry about it, everything is OK" In that way, you have acknowledged the truth of the memory and yet made it "safe" The untruth contained in that is it sounds as if it was 50-50, and as she gets older you can tell her the whole truth but at the moment it has to be put in terms she can understand.
Thanks Murray, I was so shocked when she told me what she remembered, I had always thought I got out before she was old enough to remember anything. I feel so guilty she had to witness that.
Louise, thanks for the advice, I probably shouldnt have lied to her and dismissed her memory but its so hard x
Hi Littleangel,
Whatever you decide to do or say, is the right thing for you and Angel. You know best, and sometimes its hard to hide the truth no matter how hard you try. How old is Angel?
Mine are 11 and 15. They never witnessed any physical violence, and luckily have not asked. I have not told them, although they know things werent right. I kind of want to shield them from it for as long as I can, or possibly forever. Having said that, I am a really bad liar, so if they asked, I dont know how I would deal with it. Or if I feal in the future that they are experiencing the same problems in life, then I will tell them, in order to help them through it.
Its a really hard one, but you are a good mum, and will only do the best for Angel, whatever you decide xx
Thanks help me now, Angel is only 8.
I dont always feel like a good mum when I look at what she been through and how anxious she is because of it. I have decided to have a meeting with the school on monday I want to try and arrange counselling for her as she is having some issues and I dont want what happened to plague her forever.
Your little one always sounds like a very perceptive child, little angel, noticing things beyond her years and therefore I would imagine, able to engage with a counsellor. Relateen are of great help with children but it seems to vary from area to area as to what age they will be accepted into counselling and also whether there are costs involved. One service that specialises in helping younger children and which works in schools is The Place 2 Be
However, I do think your idea of having a word at school is the best first step. Let us know how you get on.
Aw Angel, this is sooo difficult! I wish I had an answer for you! Mine all know about abuse that was going on with my first husband, but I don't think they know the extent.
I think it's ok to avoid it until you are sure how to say it. Maybe you could tell her you really don't want to talk about the time with her dad at the moment because it still makes you feel sad, and that you are the one who needs some more time to recover?
Hope someone has proper advice! xxx