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my lovely husband of 20 yrs announced he had not been happy for 18 months and has now met a 28yr old woman he loves how do i get through the pain
hi louise, thanks for your message. fortunately i have a good support around me , wonderful family and caring and supportive friends. our two sons are 18 and 15 taking exams and the youngest one is in pieces. have already had a meeting at the school and they are putting things in place to support him. i am still working although find it hard at times. employer and colleagues are also supportive. finances are going to be a nightmare as we just cant afford to live seperately, he is staying with his a colleagues mum at present time. my problem is that at present i cannot imagine my life without him, he has always been my world and the neverending pain i feel is crushing me
Yes, it is difficult to breathe, let alone move when you are in so much emotional pain, I know that feeling. There is no magic wand, nor words to cure it, it is a process you have to go through in order to start feeling better (eventually) You will know from your nursing about the stages of loss and you are in the shock and disbelief bit right now, you can't imagine life without him. Functioning on a day to day basis is a real challenge, to try to eat and to sleep but you will feel less grotty if you can try to do these two things at least and try to keep some sort of routine going in the house for the sake of the boys.
Has he made arrangements to see them since he left?
welcome broken hearted nurse i can totally understand how you feel and this happened to me last year and i was totally destoryed and hated living. and everything went by flashing at me , how was i going to carry on and live ! but im through that tunnel now i have seen the light yes i cant say it will not be easy as it wont . my children were 6 and 9 at the time and they were hurt badly but i went to the schools and things were put into place for help plus in the seniors now as my son as moved up this year i have been there and got things in place there too. my 2 boys dont see their dad as things in my situation were alittle different i was hit and my son saw what happened so thats why they dont want to see him . and he now goes to counselling for help .
not saying that your boys are wanting that but the schools need to know as there might be a mood change or something . like last saturday i took them to karate they were fighting and something happened it was a tackle that my son got upset with and cried , what he saw with his dad came flooding back . its the kids that hurt too and at times they will hide it or wont say anything to us as they know we are hurting enough so they try to deal with it and thats when the schools can help.
for me what worked was the advice i got from people o here and taking each day slowly , cry if i needed too sleep in the day if i wanted too trying to make time for me like something simple like a soak in the bath it all helps . do eat even if you dont fancy it . its hard but its all new and a shock at the min they are things that you will need to do and that is to sort out your money see what you are entitled too .
stay posting as we will all get you through this if you had heard me this time last year i was a mess but ive got through it and im not saying it is easy now but i breathe now but allow yourself time to adjust and grieve take care
Great post, shaz5, thanks 
it is so good for people who are in that new and raw stage to know that it IS possible to move forward
thankyou shaz 5 it is so reassuring to hear that i am not alone in my madness. the boys are actually coping much better than i am, i think it helps that they know their dad still feels the same for them as he always has. i know it must sound self indulgent but i worry about how i feel there are often days when i just dont want to be in this world anymore, and i feel i will never get past this stage and never stop crying.
Hello BHN, it does not sound self-indugent at all, at the moment it is difficult to see there will ever be a time when you can start to feel better...and no matter how many times you are told that things will get better, it is a massive leap of faith for you to believe that.
Have you been to see your GP? You really do need some support now and they can assess you and see what is best, particularly if you feel so low as to not want to be here anymore, that can lead to sucidal thoughts and really significant depression, so please please get some help with that as soon as possible.
Keep talking to us, we can help you through this
hi louise, thanks for your message and your concern. i am seeing my doctor at regular intervals and have been prescribed some short term medication to try to take the edge of the panic i feel.i have also been referred for counselling and was lucky enough to get a cancellation yesterday, although my next appointment is not for 4 weeks. i am sorry if i sounded slightly suicidal in my last message, i must admit in the 1st 48hrs i did have such thoughts as i was so desperate and shocked as this was all a complete shock to me. however i would never hurt my boys and others that love me in this way. i know there will be light at the end of the tunnel but although i hate what he has done ,i do not have a single other complaint to make about my husband, he has been my soulmate for 22 yrs and i just cannot invisage a life without him. i will keep returning to your site as i find it easy to talk in this way without sobbing which is my usual state at present thankyou bhn
Hello BHN, please never apologise for how you feel or for telling us about it, that is what we are here for! That is excellent that you have some support from the GP and are now "in the system" for counselling. So you have done some practical things for yourself, that's great, and yet you are aware that emotionally you are still in bits.
If this happened to a friend of yours who had been married for 22 years, I am guessing you would think it is normal and natural that her grief would be overwhelming for a while, yes? and it IS normal and it IS natural. It will help to let it all out...on here, to a friend, to a family member. There are lots of emotions in the mix, including shock, sorrow, anger, indignation, desperation......do not be surprised about what you feel, just go with it. Try to lean on grown ups rather than the boys, they need to know that you are still the adult and will look after them but it is ok to say to them that you are very sad right now and just need some time to feel better (don't be surprised if they think "some time" means three days though!)
Don't forget The Samaritans, who are there even in the middle of the night, their number is 08457 909090. They have been great when I have needed them. Once I just sat and cried down the phone, they were fine with that and just sat with me.
Thinking of you, and we are here for you
morning louise, husband came to see the boys last night, they helped him cook their evening meal instead of me putting a meal in front of him! i was angry last night with him and tried to keep out of his way, i thought this was a good sign initially, but later in the evening i crumpled and he turned into my lovely partner of 22yrs (the boys did not witness this) and hugged me and said he didnt think he had the right to ask me how i was as he was the cause of it. i told him he had also always been my best friend and was the one i wanted to talk to !he said he would could do this but had thought he had no right to expect me to bare my soul to him, i am so confused do you think this is a healthy thing for me to do, my mind is all over the place and i dont know if this would cause me more pain. the problem is because of our shared past which incidently he says were precious years and he does not regret a thing, i look at him and despite the pain and desolation he is causing i long to be near him and cant define whether it is more or less painful to see him bhn
Hello BHN
It is very likely that your paths will cross many times because of the boys but....I think you know what I am going to say. He cannot be the one to comfort you about his infidelity!!! Before you know it, one thing leads to another and you will end up in bed together. Good, you might say. Yes but only if he has ended the other relationship!!! On that note, he has caused you tremendous pain and heartache and yet has suffered very few consequences, he can come to his old home, you are there chatting to him, his ego is stoked because you are clearly demostrating your continuing love for him. Sorry to be so frank but surely he needs to see that there are consequences to his actions and that if he chooses to leave the family home then he cannot continue as your best friend. He has to make his choice. Again sorry that that is tough, but I do want to level with you, you need to look afteryourself now.
Hello broken hearted nurse,
I am so sorry to read about your situation. The breakdown of any relationship is difficult, but the ending of such a long term partnership is undoubtedly going to be very painful and difficult to manage.
I have to agree with Louise about your estranged husband - please don't let him have his cake and eat it! He chose to leave the family home & he must have had some idea of how painful you would find his decision.
You mentioned how supportive your family & friends are in an earlier post - do you have someone you could 'off load' on when you feel the need to?
Mary
hello broken hearted nurse , i agree with the above two postings . i did at first kept letting have his brearkfast here the mornings so he could see the boys before school then when the cereal ran out i never replaced it afew times in the first week he would have his tea with the kids i would save him his tea as he would text me but these things just mix up our emotions . they make their choices , they decide to leave yes we have to toughen up and yes its hard likewise i lost my best friend my everything but its hard but life goes on . yes its nice that he comes for your children and its nice to stay friendly for them but yes its raw for you at the minute so you will look and still love him you were together a long time .
for me i was married 17 years and i loved him like mad thought the world of him even though he had hit me before i still loved him . but for my now i dont see him as anything but a stranger now for what he as done and what he has become .what im getting at is the person who know and loved dies what you look at is a stranger . thats why i say mine is a death just without him dying and in time that is what i have heard others say about their marriage break ups. i know mine is a liar and a total complete stranger to me as things i have heard and saw of him makes him like that to me . but i dont hate him as that is a emotion that you carry around which in turn ties us to them still . in time you will see this and you will see that yr husband will just become the childrens father and that will be it . i closed my book of my past the day after i did the final court date and that is it now a new book for me and my boys .
it will be hard and you are only just at the beginning and your emotions are all over the place so yes good you got the gp and counselling as there you can off load give yourself time and things will get better and you will become stronger . i was you last year believe me my postings were all over the place and yes there were tiems i thought i just want to die and was i going to cope how can i live with out him but look im stronger yes i still have times where im down and lonely but i dont cry now over him i have and still do wish him all the happiness in the world and you will so give yourself time and breath you will get there hun if i can you can little steps each day helps x
louise, shaz 5 and mary, thankyou so much for your comments, it really does make me feel i am not alone in feeling this way. i know all your suggestions and advice is sound but i just cant seem to let go ! it was such a shock that i am still reeling from it. i have great friends who i can dump on and sob with when i need to and they like you think i am hurting myself more by having contact with him. but you see i still see the man i fell in love with, he has been cowardly and cruel in the way it happened and i make no excuses for him in that but i also know i cant be totally blameless, our lifes in the past 18 months had become stressfull and we gave little time for each other, i had gained alot of weight which incidently is now dropping off me. now i know he is not shallow enough to stop being in love with me for that alone, however i was so unhappy with my body image that i probably put out very negative signals.on a positive note i am taking far more trouble with my appearance, have lost 18lbs in 3 weeks my skin is glowing,i bother everyday to wear makeup, use my once hidden excercise bike daily {for the release of endorphins} and eveyone says i look younger and better than i have for ages, how is that when inside i am shrivelled up and dying.
People often lose weight during a traumatic experience such as a separation or bereavement. No-one is expecting you to "let go" in your heart yet, it is a gradual process but do help that process rather than hinder it, that is what we are saying. Shaz5 has been through the same experience very recently and she talks a lot of sense, just stay with us and pour out your feelings whenever you want.
hi everyone, hit rock bottom on friday, cried all day and night but then on saturday there seemed to be some clarity to the situation. i began to see that there could be a future for me without him, i know i will probably take 1 step forward and 3 back but that sudden thought of a new life for me without the blind panic has given me hope. he is coming to see the boys tonight and at least for now i have promised my 15yr old that i will sit at the table with them while they eat, however i have suggested to my husband{do i still call him that ?} that he frees up a whole day at the weekend and takes them out of the house good for the boys and probably healthier for me .
Hi broken hearted nurse. I am so pleased to read that on Saturday you had a moment of clarity. That there was a chink of light/hope in all the pain you have been feeling.
What would you like to call your husband, you could use his initial (ie John = J), or call him 'my ex' what do you think?
What did your husband say about him taking the boys out for the day?
hi anna, i suppose i could just use his given name - D, i think my chinc of light started with his answer on the phone re the weekend which was "i'll sort it " which implied to me that he had other plans with {her} you have to understand that he had been a wonderful husband and father but i think this younger woman has dazzled him and i think he feels he can live two seperate lifes.so i have written him a long letter not judging him but explaining how our boys need to feel they come first in both of our lifes, i shall give it to him tonight when he visits them, as face to face i become emotional and not very articulate, i have also told him in this letter than i am beginning to see that i can have a future without him,up until now all that he has heard from me is that i am lost without him and will always be here if he things change i have also said he has done some things i will never forgive him for but that i will not carry this pain around with me for the rest of my life because that is destructive. he needs to know that i will move on without him. does that sound positive and healthy ?
Hi broken hearted nurse, I have initialled your ex's name, as we try and keep users and their families anonymous.
I think that what you have said does sound positive and healthy, for you.
When you say that 'he needs to know that I will move on without him', is that to ease the guilt that he might be feeling?
hi anna, no i dont want to ease his guilt at all !!!!!!!!!! i just dont want him to think i am sitting here waiting for him to change his mind, i guess i just want him to imagine that i can move on and get a good life without him because lets face it at the moment he has 2 women in love with him, and despite the fact that he wants a new life i dont think he can imagine me having one.
see told you my emotions are all over the place he is due here to see the boys in a couple of hours and i can feel myself getting tense !
think i may be getting good and angry at what he has done to me and the boys, i still dont know if that is healthy or not ?
Hi broken hearted nurse, it is all part of the process your emotions all over the place, one minute you fill like greiving then your angry and back to crying and then feeling more positive, for awhile it was one continous cycle of this, least thats how i remember it!! Gradually you will feel more on the positive side than the negative then you'll know you have turn't a corner.
How did the meeting go? how did he react to your letter?
hi sally w, he isnt here yet, i know my feelings are normal, however today all i can focus on is his new woman, she is only 28 and my friends say she is just a child and her appeal will wear off, by that comment i dont mean that i think he will come back to me because i dont but i am sitting here 50 and miserable her age just makes me feel worse !
hi everyone, although i am sure there is no one out there at this time. last night was possibly the 2nd worst of my life, d came to see the boys, he read the letter and did not look particulary happy so i questioned this as it had been written in a purely non judgmental way. of course that started the usual thread of me becoming upset because he didnt like being told he was putting his new relationship before even his sons,i as ever then broke down and did the usual apologising for my! behaviour and he did the usual holding of me while i cried.we briefly touched on the subject of finances to which he told me that the cab wouldnt talk to him as it was me that would need to claim for help, i still didnt think the finances would add up, then the penny dropped i asked him if he was going to move in with her and of course the reply was yes! this is a 6 and a half week relationship ! i promptly ran upstairs and vomited after all myself and the boys had had this marriage breakup dropped on us only 3 and a half weeks ago.i then had a type of breakdown got in my car which i nearly crashed and drove to my friends house around the corner, they then had to deal with my hysteria it was like a knife being plunged into my heart again. after a short time my very calming practical friend told me enough is enough ! that it was about time that my anger came, i had been cooking him meals, making drinks, even ironed his shirts on one of his visits! how low could i have sunk so she brought me back here made sure my boys were not around and i told him exactly what i should have said to him 3 and a half weeks ago, that he was a b.....d, that what and how he had done what he had done to us was despicable, that he was putting this woman before even his sons, and several other home truths, then told him to get out of my house, unfortunately as he walked through the door i gave him a push to ensure he was gone{all 5ft of me} then this man i had worshipped for 22yrs turn back to me put his hand around my throat and pushed me back against the stairs and left!! i then in true fishwife style, not myusual behaviour, shouted that his family would be ashamed of him. my friends and family tell me i obviously touched a few raw nerves, telling him a few home truths, after all for 3 and a half weeks he has only seen me trying to please him, weeping over him because i love him so much this was probably hard for him to take, so there the man i loved really has gone for ever, he has changed into someone i dont and dont want to know !. the sad thing is the boys are aware of what has happened, and are very angry with him, i will try to heal this wound, a family member is going to contact him today to stress that he must see them by the weekend, and as i have explained to my boys it is his job now to try to win back their trust and respect, and this must be started soon or they will continue to hurt and resent him. so there u have it a total car crash but i have turned that corner, i no longer see the man i once loved but a cruel stranger. sorry everyone for the rant but at this time of the morning i cant talk to anyone else.
Hello BHN, I am so glad that you poured your heart out. What a terrible night for you! And shocking, too, that he would put his hand round your throat, so very frightening and just the whole night so traumatic for you. Did you manage to get some sleep at all?
It feels like reality hit you in one huge flash I feel very much like your friend, as in enough is enough. It is right and good that your anger has kicked in. He HAS treated you badly and he HAS turned your life upside down.
As for the boys, I think I am getting the picture that you have realised that they should not be put under pressure to take sides. Remember that however badly he behaves they are likely to keep on loving him, even if they are hurt or angry and it is really important that you allow them to express their feelings and allow them to carry on loving him (however much of a betrayal that feels to you)
Try to hang onto that feeling you had on Saturday, you CAN move forward and there IS a new life for you.
BHN... ((big hugs)) to you hun. There was nothing 'fishwife' about your outburst, it was raw, natural emotion and you're going to feel a lot more of it over the coming months - aswell as feeling brighter and more positive and more in control, too ;) Didn't want to read n run.. only time to add this for now.. back later. Just know, you're not alone and emotion.. any and all types, are much healthier 'out' than 'in' Xx
hi everyone, having a bit of a tearful day, slept for 7 hours ! last night the most i have in this last nightmare of a month, unfortunately i am still counting the days it was a month today, i dont like wednesdays.my 18yr old broke down this morning it was heartbreaking. i contacted d's father i have a wonderful relationship with my in laws it is a shame they live 150 miles away, he has just phoned and spoke to both the boys he is always very calm and able to be objective, he has told them that they must be honest about their feelings when d calls them if they are angry or confused or sad they must let him know, my 15yr old thinks this is difficult to do because he doesnt want to make him feel bad, i explained that as parents we would like our children to be happy all the time but know this is unrealistic and that his dad would rather know the truth so that he still feels included in their lifes, i hope this was the right thing to say. reading a book by paul mcenna at the moment called {how to heal a broken heart] quite honestly i will try anything. hope everyone out there is having a positive day, i will try and have one tomorrow, bye for now bhn
The Paul McKenna book is great, BHN. Hope you find it beneficial. Your father in law sounds spot-on, he is right what he said to the boys. How fantastic that they have a fab grandad.
At the moment it really is one day at a time, keep posting and we will keep supporting you through this
having another weepy day ! i am getting so sick of feeling like this. i have tried to hold on to some of the anger i had felt for the way d has done this to me, but i keep remembering all the wonderful years we had together and then i'm heartbroken again mourning the loss of the man i knew or at least thought him to be. trying to read the paul mcenna book but cant concentrate enough to do all the mental excercises. what i really need is for paul mc kenna to move in with me for a while, no one knows his number do they ? look at that everyone an attempt at humour. so fed up with my own company not that i dont have loads of support around me just that i cant stand myself at the moment.i am usually such a happy person, i can't imagine ever being happy again.
Hi broken hearted nurse, funnily enough one of our members does know Paul Mckenna!! She won a competition and he helped her get through the breakdown of her marriage.
We supported her right at the beginning of the split, then about a year later she wrote this A little pep talk (click) hopefully it will give you some inspiration. Please do have a read and let me know what you think!
You might also be interested in the article How to get over a broken heart.
Bringing humour into this kind of situation is brilliant, it shows resiliance and that you know life will be kinder than it is at the moment.
Remember anger is the emotion that we express when we feel hurt and disrespected and whilst it feels good in the moment, if we do not address it assertively, often we do not feel much better for long.
Hello broken-hearted nurse, and welcome to One Space, although it sounds like you wish you did not need to be here, there is lots of friendly support here.
What has happpened has been a massive shock for you, of course it has, and anyone suffering a separation will have to go through all sorts of upheaveals the same as in a bereavement.
Have a look at what resources you may have to help you right now. Have you got family and friends you can talk to? What is the situation re work? and above all how old are your children and how are they with all this?
Have you had some thoughts about practical things like money and you also need to think about some legal advice. It is very difficult to focus on practical things when you are going through such pain but there are things that HAVE to be done.
Please have a read of this thread here (click) as it may strike some chords with you. Keeep posting and keep talking as there is a long journey ahead and we can walk it with you.