hi, I,m new to all this and having read some of other peoples comments made me realize i,m not the only one suffering from the shock and hurt of finding out after 23 years of marriage that my perfect husband and father of my kids has decided to have an affair destroying everything i have ever known. i feel totally lost.
Yes..guilt..but not facing up to it..what you have done wrong..trying to blame the other..i've seen it..with my ex girlfriend..the relationship break up she went through & told me about..trying to get the house repo'd..thtreatening to kill her & the kids..all because he was having an affair..she found out..end of marriage.
I've been in a similar situation..with my ex..like you..22 years..3 kids..never doubted..always trusted..always loved her..then..found out differently..she was not only having an affair/fling..she was in love with him..more in love with him than me..wanted to share a life with him & not me.
All i've had since then is blame..trying to blame me..saying i didn't love her enough..more than i already did..but the truth is..as she told me..she lost her feelings for me..long before the marriage ended.
In the marriage..i didn't see what she was truly like..two sided..i only saw one side..the side she wanted me to see..the side that told me..she loved me..since we broke up..i've seen a lot more of the other side..cold..uncaring..unsupportive..devious..manipulative..calculated..a liar & a cheat.
Stay strong..stand your ground..don't back down & don't hit back..He has made you angry..that is what he wants..if you hit back..that will take away some of his guilt..
Hi daisy chain and starfire1712 and welcome to One Space from me 
I am sorry to read that you have both been let down so badly after soo many years of marriage. The shock that your partner is not who you thought they were can really take its toll on your emotions. Have a look at our article on How to recover from a broken heart for tips to help you through this time.
You are going to feel an abundance of emotions, anger, hurt, pain, frustration and moments of complete loss, all of this is normal and you need to go through the process of change to be able to move on and feel whole again.
daisy chain - love the name, makes me think of summer holidays and being about 8yrs old with the only thing on my mind is breaking the guiness book of records for the longest daisy chain with my best friend, before my dad mowed over it!! 
How long has it been since your ex left? How are the children coping?
starfire 1712, how about your children? Do they live with you? What have they made of all this?
Hi Anna,
Thanks for adding me in the comment..My children live with my ex..they now see me as & when they feel like it..which isn't often..I've posted on the step-parenting forum..an issue that i have with my youngest or rather based around her.
The children were never told the real reason for the break up..my ex didn't want them to know..my youngest was 7 at the time..she wouldn't have understood..she found it hard to understand as it was..telling them we were breaking up because we didn't love each other anymore & couldn't live together.
hi starfire1712 and Anna, it's so nice to hear from people who really understand.my husband left in November,my boys are 18 and 15 and my daughter is 12, i don't think i would still be here if it wasn't for them. I felt so lost and alone even with the love and support of my mum and dad,who divorced when i was 18, i've been through it myself and know what it feels like to loose the father you always looked up to, it took me at least 2 years to forgive him hurting my mum, but at least my dad admitted what he done and made it as easy for mum to cope as he could, whereas my husband is making it as nasty as possible,it's all my fault of course, i too didn't love him enough, i admit kids always came first,but he was always cared for, obviously not enough.
It's always the guilt..my ex can't accept her guilt..it's always me that's to blame..but i can see now..she played me for a fool..for far too many years..now all she does is contradict herself.
She even tried to blame me for the break up of her relationship..with the man involved in the break up of our relationship..he moved in with her 2 years after i had left..after 3 years they broke up.
A couple of years ago she tried to blame me..saying the emotional breakdown i had in 2006 & the relapse in 2007..had contributed to it..
I knew different..he had suffered the loss of 3 close friends..over a short period..a few months..he was down & unmotivated..but like with me..she didn't support him..she just put on him all the time..wanting him to do things..arguing..he had enough & moved out.
When i replied with that..she said..the other factor was that he cheated on her..numerous times..the deciding factor..also..as i see it..karma..what comes around..goes around.
This is true..Love isn't just about the word..saying the word..it's about showing it..affection..care..support.
In 1997 my elder brother was diagnosed with cancer..he had chemo & radiotherapy..i'd visit him..at home whenever i could..In Jan 1998..he became paralysed down one side..the cancer had spread..to his brain..he was then hospitalised..again i would visit whenever i could..after work..weekends.
One weekend i took the kids with me..i had to go into work first..so i made some drawing books for them..when we arrived at the hospital..my sister in law took my youngest 2 down to the family room..my eldest sat on the bed next to my brother..chatting to him & going through the drawing book..showing him the pictures she'd done.
He passed away on the 7th of March..i had seen him 3 days before that..he told me then there was nothing more they could do..it was just a matter of time.
At no time during his illness did my ex go to visit my brother..either with me or without me..even on the day he passed away..she rang her cousin..who had come down to visit his sister in law..she asked him to take me to the hospital..because she had to stay at home & look after the kids.
That for me..now..shows how much she cared for me..she didn't..she couldn't support me..because..she didn't love me.
this is what i'm finding so hard to understand, he cheated on me, but to start with it was 'it's no your fault,you were a brilliant mum and wife' 'i just dont want to be married anymore' then i found out he was having affair he denied it to start with and now he's turned nasty on me, if i had been more affectionate,etc. he wouldn't have gone off.
you just feel so stupid,thinking back to all the signs, trouble is i trusted him with my life,never stopped him going out,believed all the crap he used to spin me,what i mug i was, but not anymore i seem to have found an inner strength, i know i'm a better person than him,he's lost the respect of his kids with all the threats about not paying this or that.i just want him out of my life and be able to cope on my own.which is why i want a divorce asap,there's no going back now just foward, i have petitioned him citing aldutry as reason,he reckons he,s not going to sign it,which hurts me all over again,how can he lie about it?
i believe in karma and i know the woman he's with and i know before long,probably when money runs out she'll be off,if it's drama and excitment he wanted he's definately got that now,it's not the first marriage she's broke up and probably won't be the last.
my husbands dad died of cancer a year ago february,we were all very close to him,lived next door for 20 years, i supported him,his mum my kids, but he thought he was the only one that lost him, that was when he pushed eveyone away including his mum,he was grieving i know that,but he just got worse and worse going out most nights,because eveything reminded him of his dad,i tried being understanding thinking i was doing the right thing by letting him do what he wanted, i think grief,depression and midlife crisis has made him what he is today, he seems to have forgotten the rest of us miss him aswell.he's just so bitter and nasty now i can't keep making excuses for him anymore.His father would be so disgusted at how he's treated us,we don't deserve it and i can't forgive him anymore, i still think he's made the biggest mistake of his life and he'll live to regret it, but he's done so much hurt and damage now.
I know exactly what you are saying & understand..my ex was exactly the same..a few months before i found out..about her affair..she had written a letter..left it in my car for me to find..not to be opened before i got to work.
The letter was based around how she wasn't happy..felt we had drifted apart..that once the kids left home..the marriage would be over..there was no mention in the letter of me not loving her enough..when we sat down to discuss the letter..there was no mention of it then either..I felt the problem was not enough time on our own..we were either working or we had the kids around.
I worked a continental shift..6 days on..7 days off..she was contracted to work 24 hours..she worked during my days off..plus extra shifts..i suggested we use some of my days off to spend time together..on our own..whilst the kids were at school..Which we did..a couple of times..Then when i was on shift..doing nights..she had a study day booked..asked me to take the night off..which i did..the day before it..she announced the study day had been cancelled..so instead she was going up to London to do Family Tree Research.
This all happened in June 2003..in the October i found out about the affair..she told me it had started in April of that year..a mutual friend told me her plan..to keep the marriage & affair going for another 2 years..then end the marriage..that would have given her enough time to sort out her own personal debts..shopping catalogues etc..Also..when she went up to London..to do research..is when she used to meet up with him & go to a hotel for the day.
Which was funny..between the letter & study day..i needed to get a new guitar..the one i had wasn't very good & needed upgrading..i was having lessons at the time..she felt i didn't need it..there was nothing wrong with the one i had.
When she went up to London that day..i was a bit miffed..having discussed what i felt was wrong..started what i thought was attempts to change our lives..so i went out & bought a new guitar..she wasn't happy..i had gone against her wishes.
One of the things that she threw back at me..tried to blame me for..was her sleeping with him..saying she only did that..after i bought the guitar..sorry..no..you were doing that..on the day i bought the guitar.
Just seen your comment about your father in law..it's like are ex's are parallel..one & the same.
I lost my father in law in 1988..a fatal heart attack..i supported both my mother in law & wife with their loss..my mother in law was devastated & then went through a mild case of agrophobia..she would go to work..on her own..but any where else..either my wife or I had to go with her.
My mother in law then passed away in Jan 1995..after being diagnosed with cancer the previous year..our eldest was 3 years old..i worked..looked after our daughter & when i could spent time with my wife & mother in law..she was caring for her mother at home.
I had to put aside any feelings/emotions i had..to be strong & support my wife..through her losses.
Losses can cause a lot of damage & change people..the loss of my brother being the hardest thing i've been through..yes..it changed me..i became down/depressed..at work i was unmotivated..but i didn't shut people out..didn't stop caring about others..in fact i would rather have been at home spending time with family..than being at work.
I even had a row with another member of staff..a couple of weeks after his loss when i went back to work..the company had taken on a job that needed completing over the weekend..i stayed late on the Friday..mainly because someone had arranged a night out after work..i stayed at a work colleagues house & went into work on the Saturday..just to check everything was okay..which it was the job was on schedule..so i left about 11am.
The account manager..in charge of the job..rang me on my home..asking where i was..i told her..she asked me if i was coming in on Sunday..i said i had no plans to..but would ring up in the morning & speak to the night shift manager..to see how the job was getting on..if there had been any problems/delays.
Which i did..there were no issues..so..as i had already planned/arranged with the kids..decided i wasn't needed & would take them swimming..Again the account manager rang up..wanting to know if i was coming in..i said no..there was no need..she felt the job wouldn't be completed on time & if it wasn't i would be responsible for that..that i wasn't doing my job properly..I just said fine..i still wasn't coming in & if that was the case i'd resign from my position.
The problem or misunderstanding we had..was the despatch time..she thought it had to be out for 6am..Monday morning..my understanding was 6pm in the evening..which is what it should have been..As it was..due to a delay..with the client not sending in the binders for the job..on time..it wasn't completed & despatched until the Wednesday.
That was when i became unmotivated..the binders were for a conference/seminar..the client was Adidas..the front of the binder had the date of the conference printed on it..which wasn't taking place until the following week.
All over that weekend i had arranged extra staff to come in & help get the job completed on time..giving up their time at home..me included..My manager was on holiday at the time..i told him about the job when he came back..apparently it was a test..to see how efficient we were & how quickly we could complete the job.
The only other thing i'd say..which i found scary..it may happen..it may not..i put it down to being in one relationship for so long..my first serious relationship.
Having only had affection from one person for so many years..i found it hard at first when i recieved any affection from someone new.
It was March 2004 when i moved out..when it got to May of that year i decided i wanted to get out more..meet some new people..make some new friends..so i joined a dating site..i had a couple of dates..but they were just one offs..meet..have a chat/drink..no affection involved.
Then in the July..i made friends with someone at a church i went to..we started spending time together..meeting up at her house or mine..sharing a meal..chatting or going out..she took me to a quiz night at her local pub..but the scary bit was about a month later..we went for a drive to some woods..for a wander around..enjoy a bit of nature..as we were walking..she slipped her arm through my arm..i just froze..my whole body went rigid..it was the first sign of affection i had felt..since the break up..i just wasn't used to it..We are still friends now..but purely platonic..okay we hug/kiss..we say "Love You" or "Love Ya"..but that as far as it goes..she is just a true friend.
But then a similar thing happened..in the September..with my ex girlfriend..I met her on a dating site in August..we chatted & messaged for about a month..then we met up at a coffee shop..the week after we had second date..in a pub near where she lived..the third date invited her back to mine..cooked her a meal..shared a bottle of wine..listened to some music..as she was leaving..she put her arms around me to hug/kiss me & say thank you..again..i froze..my whole body going rigid..again..But the relationship continued..we were together until August 2011..when we broke up.
I haven't been with anyone or met anyone since then..the scary thing is..if i were to..would it happen again.
Hello both
It is very hard to trust again and to love again but you can and will. Many people try to avoid relationships altogether as they think it will stop them getting hurt. Others pursue new relationships with a massive amount of zeal, and this can be damaging in itself. It is all about being happy WITH yourself and BY yourself.
Daisychain, your children's dad has had to convince himself you are a "baddie" in order to justify his behaviour to himself. So why didnt he speak to you, say he was unhappy and put a load of effort into repairing the relationship then, if things were that bad? Try not to let this eat away at you as you need to keep your eyes on the horizon as you start to move forward
hi louise,
i ask myself over and over why he couldn't try to talk, i dont think he wanted to, i think he thought that after his dad died life is to short to just plod along in what i thought was a solid marriage,he's acting like a stupid teenager, i dont think he's thought too far ahead. The kids don't really want to know him at the moment, his reply to that was 'get over it ,lots of people get divorced, no big deal'. he's just a total a##hole, only thinking of himself. So sad,kids used to love him to bits,now they have no respect for him at all, if he wants to earn that respect back, he needs to stop bullying and hassling me and treat me with some respect.
It is such a painful time for all of you and getting a divorce is a huge 'deal', he just doesn't want to own the responsibility.
How often do you speak with him? Is it possible to do everything via email from now on so that you don't have to endure the bullying and harrassment?
Have you and your children had some positive time together, since all of this?
Hi there to you all on this thread.
I found your comments resonated all to closely to my own very current situation. I had been with the father of my 9 year old twins for 12 years and married to him for 6. We had a relationship that was considered close and very loving and I never doubted his committed to me and our family. Until October last year when I challenged him over some odd behaviour and concern regarding finances which prompted his refusal to return home after a shift at work (he is a serving police officer). The next day he rang me to say our marriage was over and he wanted me to let him go. He telephoned our children later that day to say he was never coming home. Since then I have discovered a whole secret life he led which included sleeping with other woman and using escort websites. I had to go to the sexual health clinic to be screened. He then told me he was living with another woman and her child, a relationship which lasted all of 3 months. He changed overnight from someone who rang me and text me thoughout the day each day to tell me he loved me into someone who tells his children he hates me. I could understand if I had been the one who lied, deceived and cheated all these years but I can put my hand on my heart and say that I never lied to him or cheated and I trusted him and loved him unconditionally. The latest hit is that he wants our children 50/50 - not happening - apart from the fact that my son (not his) has disclosed physical abuse by him for the past 8 years - something I was completely unaware of and came to light as a result of my son being in therapy. I would love to hate the man but the truth is I would have compassion if he came to me and at least apologised if nothing else.......would never have him in my life again though.
Hi Bennett21. You've been through an awful lot since your ex left. You've found out stuff about him that you couldn't have known at the time, but has recently come to light. How is your son dealing with things? Have you yourself sought counselling?
Good morning bennett21, I imagine you have been through an emotional rollercoaster, I remember you saying that you had to get rid of your horse and that you were finding the practicalities of walking your dog regularly as well as doing everything else on your own hard going.
Has the counselling helped you work through some of the pain you have been feeling? Are you still accessing this support?
How is dealing with the debts going? This can be time consuming and exhausting, but it sounded like you were in control of that situation, if you need any support with Debt do feel free to ask a question to our Money and Debt Expert. (click)
How are the children? Has any regular contact been sorted out yet?
Hi I would like to let you know that there is life after seperation or break up. It gets better with every passing day and the worse thing that you can do is spend your precious time on this Earth hating this man.
It could be a mid life thing but whatever it is just see it as his loss, if you show him you are angry he will think you care and although you do this is your last bit of pride to keep for yourself and be able to go forward with.
I know it doesnt feel like it now but it will be Ok.
Nice post Bella12
i feeling really angry and hateful towards my soon to be ex, he,s not the man i married,he,s sends nasty threatening texts saying' sell the house ' 'i want my half' i have three children who haven't seen him since he left,i just don't understand how you can go from a loving dad to nothing,guilt i think.