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hi i wonder if anyone can help,my ex who wants to now see his kids after not seein them in nearly 9 years now wants to see them in that time he hasent sent any cards letters or anything in that time,my youngest doesent ave a clue who he is,he got in touch with my oldest child through a networkin site which i thought was wrong gettin in touch with my child instead of through me,ive talked to my child and she doesent want to see him till they ave finished collage and doesent to course upset to me or siblings as they dont know nothing about it,im already havin problems with one of my children at school as it is and i dont know what this would to to the child or any of them i dont want things to get worse at school,my oldest two children are behind for their ages and dont understand things what normal kids their ages understand.
i think if my kids do start to see him again after all this time its going to cause alot of upset and distress for them mainly for my child who im already havin problems with.
hi warmley-single it is as well my kids ave never asked about him i havernt spoken to him in that time either or seen him my youngest was just 3 last time they saw him,i just dont want to it confuse them he doesent realise how the kids are what it would do to them,i think it would make my child who is havin problems at school already even worse,i dont want it to affect they education,
Hello blue eyes
I do think you need to give them the opportunity to meet with their father but only if that is what they want to do. It is important that they don't worry about this upsetting you and try and protect your feelings by pretending not to want to see him (although I imagine you must feel angry and worried that he has suddenly popped his head above the parapet after all these years! 
)
Is it possible for another adult, not you, to talk to them about this and find out what they really want and to reassure them that it is totally up to them?
I agree that he should have come through you rather than directly approached your eldest on the networking site but the eldest is 16 now and by law can decide what contact to have herself.
I understand your concerns about your youngest and school......but if you withold contact, he has the option to take court action, which would be more disruptive for all of you, so I would think very carefully...it might be better to keep any contact on your terms and under your control by showing a degree of co-operation.
hi louise
my oldest child has said that they dont want to see him yet wants to wait until they siblings have let school doesent want they sibling to have more problems at school than whats already happening.i know he could go to court.
i am angry and worried why now after all this time,he doesent know what the kids are like and how confusing and how it will affect them,its all about him not what he thinks is in the kids best interests
Hi blue eyes just a thought, could you maybe open up the lines of communication via letters, then maybe a telephone call? Your ex surely cannot expect to just walk back into the childrens lives as if nothing happened. I know this is a really stressful time for you but if you can show you have done everything in your power to "try" to reestablish some form of contact even if it does go to court the judge will appreciate what you have done xxx
hi i dont know if that would be possible,he does think that he can he can just walk back in,im havin a stressful time as it is with one of my children havin problems at school which i think this would make things worse
Could you talk to your health visitor about it, or one of the teachers at school? He cant just walk back in, any judge would take a really dim view that there hadnt been a period of the children being allowed to readjust to the thought of having their father back in thier lives.
I wouldnt give in on this and just let him see the children, you must be really concerned that he will just walk back out of their lives again.
Did he have contact at the beginning and then stopped it or has he never had contact since you seperated xxx
im not going to just give in and let him just walk back in,i am concerned he did ave at the beginning but it was fine to start with then he got with someone who you wouldent want or trust with your kids,and he wouldent turn up when he said he was going to and when he did turn up sometimes he would be here for 5 mins then he would ave to go for some reason wheather it was work or whatever and when he did he wouldent do nowt with them apart from just sit and watch them play or go to sleep,andd thats when h did turn up sometimes he wouldent turn up at all wouldent phone me to tell me he wasent coming and could go a few days without no contact from him at all,it was work or his family or whoever he was with at the time was more important to him than he seein his children i kept tellin him this wasent not good for the kids but it dident make any differance so in the end i stopped it,it wasent fair on the kids him treatin them like that
I was going to suggest letter writing too - I suppose if he's in touch via a social networking site then he is communicating via writing in a way. Maybe acknowledging this to him is a good way to start - turn it into a positive rather than focusing on the fact that it wasn't the best way to re-establish contact.
Your childrens wishes are paramount, and that your eldest is clever enough to know that this could disrupt her college is really good - ask her what contact she does want with him - removing their current link or maintaining it via the internet?
Give your kids the control on this but also talking about their dad with them may help work out what is the best way forward. Also seeing how serious their dad is about this - finding out what he expects with regards to the furture - is he going to meet them and then just dissapear again? Are there birthdays coming up where he can show an ability to call/send card etc? Is there a way you could maybe write to him - talking about your children, what they're like, their current issues at school, explain how they need to feel secure to trust someone and how important and valuable a relationship with their father could be but rushed into could cause upset, hurt and anxiety?
Being truthful with the kids will help - my mum was always honest about my father with me - you know him best - is he reliable or is he likely to dissapoint your kids? Either way they need to know so that they can make the right choices regarding him, as well as getting to know him and understand him.
i cant contact him as hes blocked me and i took my child off the networkin site as i dont want my kids on the site i ave talked to my oldest child they want to wait.
i think its cos hes with somebody whos older than him and hes got a stepdaughter and his partner and sister are pushin him into it,they is a birthday comin up in a few weeks.
i think in the end he will proberbly dissapoint them and it will be me havin to pick up the pieces.
i dont want them never to see he but just want yet i think my kids education is more important as they will never get back they school years
I think you are probably right, blue eyes, if your experience of him is someone who comes and goes as he pleases. However, having worked with seprated families for ten years now I can tell you that one thing I have seen happen many times is if a parent is told they "can't" have contact, they get on their high horse and start compaining about rights and entitlements. On the other hand, going with the flow will just enable this to reach its natural conclusion....the complication being (as you point out) that the kids get stuck in the middle. I think the main thing is that if they do want contact with him, that they don't set much store by it so they don't get too hurt.
Hi blue eyes, 9 years without contact, it's going to be a delicate issue initiating contact, would it perhaps make you feel a bit more relaxed if you were to arrange that it be done through some sort of mediation? Its going to be a big step on all parts isn't it?