This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have had a good relationship since we met earlier in the year. We both have children and we are all increasingly spending more time together. It is becoming more and more obvious to me that our parenting styles differ vastly and that he lets his son get away with a lot. Manners are very important to me and I am often complimented on how polite my child is - always remembering to say please and thank you etc. My boyfriend's son, altho older, rarely says please or thank you this really annoys me, especially when its me who has given him something, helped him etc. He is 10 and therefore it seems strange correcting him and I know my boyfriend doesn't like me to correct him. Worse than this tho is the way he wraps his dad round his little finger and plays up all the time - arguing about everything from what time he goes to bed, to where he wants to eat his dinner, and his behaviour in public places and restaurants is shocking for his age - running round other tables screaming at the top of his voice is not unusual. His dad says he doesn't want to restrict his freedom. I am embarassed and struggle to explain to my child why his son is allowed to do that. My boyfriend has told me that he thinks i'm often impatient with his son and he doesn't like it and has asked me not to be. I'm not impatient deliberately but i get so infuriated at bad manners and naughtiness as there never seems to be any line drawn.
Has anyone experience of anything similar? or any advice to offer? Do i just need to chill out? I do wonder what effect this is all having on my child. I'm not an old fashioned mum who expects children to be seen and not heard but I do think that behaviour and good manners set you up for life. Obviously its incredibly tricky to discuss this objectively with boyfriend as deepdown we are both biased towards our own child. Any time i have tried to raise this I think it sounds like I'm criticising him and he defends it by saying his son has been through a lot and we need to let him do whatever comes naturally. To be honest tho his son has been through no more than my child. Am I expecting too much? At the moment I'm questioning the feasibility of a relationship with anyone, maybe things truly were better for my child just when it was the two of us, altho it would seem such a shame as everything else is perfect and when his son behaves it is a pleasure to spend our time with them.
Any ideas?!
Thanks
Hello pink grapefruit
I am sorry to hear that this is spoiling what is otherwise a good relationship for you.
If you mentally take a step back and try to overlook the fact that there is "your" son and "his" son for a while......then parenting styles can be an issue in ANY relationship, even if you had a child together then this could be the case. Once you take the "your" and "his" out of it then I think it diffuses the emotion a lot. If you want to sort this out then it means a degree of compromise. I am not suggesting you suddenly allow your son to run around screaming in restaurants! But the two of you need to do some serious talking.
You say that if you try to talk to him about his child's behaviour then he becomes defensive and takes it as a criticism. I am sure when he tells you that you are too strict and impatient then you feel defensive too. Rather than concentrating on the boy's behaviour (which I agree does sound challenging!) your discussion could centre round parenting styles, what boundaries each of you think is acceptable etc. It is fair comment that when the boy is in your home he needs to respect the rules of that home but if this is very different to what he is used to then it might be a bit much all at once. Think about ONE behaviour that really winds you up the most, and one which is still unacceptable but far less stressful. Bring these to the table, for example: " I want us to work this out and have been thinking about a possible way forward. I know that I can be impatient with X when he won't eat his meals at the table and I want to change that, and I was wondering if, in return, you and I could agree on a sensible bedtime for him when he is here. I understand he has been through a lot but all the parenting books I have read say that children crave boundaries so that they feel safe. I think he is testing us to see if he has that safety and it would be great if we could give him that"
Now don't expect him to just say "yes, you are so right", but maybe you could back things up by saying you have been reading about it (see here for a book) and that if you are going to be together longer term then it is good to get this sorted now. He may say that he thinks you are too strict with your boy and, annoying as this may be, you may have to, in the spirit of compromise, relax one of your OWN boundaries. If he thinks you are taking his opinion on board then he is more likely to consider yours.
There aren't any easy answers! It is particularly hard when you are used to being able to take all the day to day decisions yourself then suddenly to have to share that.
Is it feasable to avoid eating out in public? Have a drive through or fish and chips and eat them in a park maybe?
Sometimes (and this is going by how my 14 year old can behave) it was easier not taking them into a situation where he might kick off...
Sometimes a park to let off steam before shopping would help too. I used to go to Cheshire Oaks when I first met friend who's pushing it, and there was a great children's playground there - we could sit and watch.
I have a friend who is in a relationship with someone who has children (they are widow/widower), and his daughter drives her to tears. She reckons once the daughter goes to university, then she'll consider living together, and not until. (sorry...)
Thanks Louise and Sparklinglime for the advice. I might get that book Louise, any help is useful at the moment. When I see his son without my child being around he is fine - he seems to change when my child is there, showing off or something (or maybe I'm more alert to it as I'm worried about the influence), part of me hopes that in time he might feel more comfortable and this would result in his behaviour settling down but I'm really not sure. Maybe we need to sit down and come up with some boundaries we are both happy to work to. He says he thinks I spoil my child, I certainly don't with material goods I haven't enough money to my name! Maybe I spoil my child with time and attention but thats what parents do when possible isn't it??? I think some of these problems wouldn't worry me so much if maybe I was used to having 2 children around but it is very very different to those quiet, just me and my child, days! Also I think i need to take some more practical steps eg if eating out is unavoidable make sure I have a bag full of games etc to amuse them both etc.
Time and attention is not spoiling a child...
xx
I used to have all sorts for now fourteen year old. He's usually quite reasonable now though (autistic tendancies).
Hi pink grapefruit
I think you have hit the nail opn the head there. If the boy bhaves better when your son is not there then it is likely he is worried that his dad is going to love your son better than him and his anxiety makes him behave badly, to prove to himself over and over again that his dad still loves him, whatever he does. You might be able to cope with him a bit better, knowing that?
Hi there pinkgrapefruit, just popping on and saw your message, I have always been a stickler for pleases and thank you's too.
I think if you don't get a thank you or please when you expect one, then you ask for it. This is about your relationship with his boy, not his dads or your son's, it is about you and him and he needs to learn your boundaries and expectations. Is it possible you could spend half an hour quality time with him?
I actually prompt adults if I don't get a please or thankyou!
Louise has a point, it could be that his son is jealous of yours, remember it is the behaviour that is annoying you not the child.
You also have a point, it is definitely tiring having more than one child around if that is what you are used to, however if they are in your house, everyone should abide by your rules, so if you want peace and quiet, that is what you should have.
I can imagine it is difficult when your son sees bad behaviour and not get told off for it. However you say that you explain it, it is really important that your son knows that you think certain behaviour is unacceptable, but it is not your place to deal with it, it is his fathers. But oh how frustrating! Maybe your boyfriend, doesn't actually know how to discipline him??
Good luck with talking about it with your chap, let us know how it goes. How do the boys get on otherwise??
I'm really sorry, as this may be so negative, but it's something that I wouldn't be able to deal with.
I think this can be an issue with two families.
When I had a b/f, it was fortunate that he didn't have children, as I know that neither of us would compromise - I know how he is with his dog, and I looks shoving that out the way.
It's a very difficult one, and personally, one that somehow needs to be addressed, as things like this can become more of an issue as time goes by (I feel).