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on own now


Hi just wanted some support now i'm a single mum.  My husband left 3 weeks ago found out he was having an affair in July (the day he went away for work for 4 days) he came back and said he wanted to make a go of it.  Went away on holiday came back beginning of september then three weeks later he says that he doesn't know what to do.  Moves out for two weeks to think about it then I find that he has re-kindled his affair with her.  Am so heartbroken, he then tells me on 4 October that he never coming back, I was perfect wife and that he is protecting me from cheating again.  What makes it all the more sad is that 2 years ago diagnosed with breast cancer and life was just beginning to get good again.  He never dealt with caqncer well and only came to two appointments and kept telling me it had gone and that I didnat have it anymore.  Must have been hard for him shaving my head etc but life wasnt great for me either.  Have a 10 year old boy and I had to tell him that his dad had left as he couldnt "face doing it in case he broke down".  The woman he has left me for has a 16 year old daughter and is the ex-wife of someone i Know.  His dad did exactly the same to his mum and brother and sister and he did not see his dad for two years as he had broken his mums heart - surely he would have learnt from him the destruction this can cause.  Seem to spend all my time crying and alternating between hating and loving him.  Have made a  list of good and bad points and the bad outweigh the good but he was a good dad and husband before I got ill.  He never talked to anyone about it and wont see a counsellor or anyone else as he "doesnt talk".  I work as a community7 support officer and feel sad that he just decided that he would go without even asking if I would be prepared to give the rest of my life to our child.  It goes without saying that I will but get panicky at the thought of becoming ill again with the stress and promising my son I will always be there for him now but wondering.............  Life is so unfair  I thought Had my share of first failed marriage, no kids with first husband as he couldnt no more kids with this one (unexplained) cancer and now this how much more am I to be punished.  I try and be a good person look after my parents help people do my best but one knock after another.  Have booked a cruise at xmas for me and son as cant face the whole jolly xmas/santa/family routine I know it escaping but at least he might have a good time.  He taking it pretty well at moment but cries when his dad leaves on the two times he has visited in last month.  He has a good time with him and doesnt seem to realise the devesation he has caused.   I am now starting to question him with his phone caqlls what he said etc and get annoyed when he wont tell me everything.  Had a shit birthday yesterday all I can see for the future is life on own with him and work.  Now he getting nasty as I had tried the tears, ignoring and being nice and as I was dressed up wed (albeit to sit in car for 2 hours) he wanted to know where I was going still sent bday card and text saying have a nice day thinking of you.  The only hold he has now over me is that he pays the mortgage and most of bills, I could afford to pay bills if he pays mortgage but don't want to mention money yet as that might make him want to sell now (he says he doesn) but mortgage due up for renewal in April.  Am seeing solicitor next week just for advice re money as I have none left each month after paying my share of bills so me and my son have nothing.  I know that everyone says he not worth it but it feels like he has died and like probably everyone whose been on hear pine for the life that we had good holidays, days out etc. 


SO SADxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted on: October 29, 2011 - 5:12pm

Hi jane47. Welcome along to One Space. Happy Birthday for yesterday.  I'm sorry that you're having to face this. You're right, life isn't fair sometimes. From reading your post, what you're saying is that before you got cancer, he was a good husband and father. He didn't cheat on you because of the cancer, so please don't blame yourself on that one. It does sound like he cannot deal with difficult situations, only going twice with you to the hospital, leaving it to you to tell your son.

It's good that you are dealing with the practical things, ie seeing a solicitor regarding money. Things will of course get easier for you, but it's such early days yet, that it's hard to believe, or even take in properly what has happened.

The cruise sounds a wonderful idea for the first christmas.

Please keep posting as others will be along at some point. It's a great site for support, advice etc.

Posted on: October 29, 2011 - 7:25pm


Hi jane47

Yesterday must have been so hard for you, but I do hope that you were able to celebrate a bit with your son.

It really is good to 'see' you here as it really is a great place for support.

The cruise at Christmas sounds like a brilliant idea.  I hope it will give you and your son something to focus on.

As hazeleyes says, it is good that you're dealing with the practical stuff, as it does give you a focus which helps.

It will be a confusing time for your son, but loads of hugs will help him adjust to the new way of life.  Hard on you as you will be the one who will have to deal with his emotions as well as your own.

Thinking of you. 

Do take care.

Posted on: October 29, 2011 - 10:37pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello jane47

Welcome to One Space. One of the biggest things you are feeling right now is "it's not fair" and you're right: it isn't. I agree with Hazeleyes that it sounds as if he really could not deal with your cancer....not that YOU had a choice whether to deal with it or not.....but thinking about it objectively, what I would say is that I would not want to be with someone who just went to pieces if I was ill. I was reading the other day that a really high percentage of couples split up when one has/has had cancer, so many relationships suffer under this stress. You had to find such inner resources of strength to cope with it yourself and you CAN cope now.

As for your son, it is really hard for him, he is only 10 and whilst I understand that the temptation to ask him about phone conversations/visits with his dad is almost overwhelming, please do not do this as you just make things harder for him.

Glad that you are seeing a solicitor. If the house is in joint names then your husband cannot sell the house without either your agreement or a court order so please stop worrying about this for the moment. In the longer term, you will have to make some decisions about where to live etc but just be guided by your solicitor and look forward to your Christmas treat.

Sorry you had a disappointing birthday, but just think of how things will be for your NEXT birthday Smile. We are all here for you.

Posted on: October 30, 2011 - 8:55am


Thank you all that replied with your lovely comments.  I am struggling with thinking sbout him with her all the time I know what everyone says is right about him not coping with me being ill but feel so sad thst he just abandoned us now spent another day on my own not seeing anyone as junior popped out for a while which ended up 5 hours ex doesnt think about that when he sods off for his new fun life and just leaves him with me.  I am so angry I wish I could destroy their lovely setup.  Just keep trying to think about short term pain long term gain and hope that one day may be happy again.  Sorry for rant!!!!


Posted on: October 30, 2011 - 8:46pm


I know where you're coming from.

And this is an excellent place to rant, so please, no need to apologise.


Posted on: October 30, 2011 - 9:41pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

One day at time and one step at a time........Smile

Posted on: October 31, 2011 - 9:00am

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi jane47

Welcome to One Space Smile Sorry to hear that it is due to a recent split and shortly after such a trying and difficult time for yourself.

I agree with Louise on taking things one day and one step at a time.  Do you have friends or family that are supporting you right now? 


Posted on: October 31, 2011 - 1:24pm

Lucy Parsons

Hi Jane, I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time, I can see how you feel you're being punished for something as these blows keep coming in your life.
Hold on to any good bits that you can - I think it's great that you've booked the holiday at Christmas to avoid all the 'happy families' stuff that's in our faces so much. And as you say, if he enjoys himself that will help you too.

Take care of yourself,



Posted on: November 1, 2011 - 10:35pm

betty boo 22

   Hello jane47, welcome,

     I so get where your comming from, i understand when you say it feels like he died, you're greving you may not see it now but things will get better for you and your son, and in time the pain will ease. like louise says one day at a time and always remember if you have a bad day today tomorrow will always be a brand new day. Enjoy your cruise its a fab way to spend xmas, and it may have a positive impact on your son.

         Take Care.Smile 

Posted on: November 1, 2011 - 11:31pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi jane47

Its very early days and understandable that your emotions are all over the place. Your future that you took for granted has been shattered and on top of that you are aware that the person that broke your trust is having a happy time at the moment.

Be kind to yourself, you have a journey ahead of you that can take you to a good place. Your cruise sounds like a brilliant place to start, where will you be cruising? Are you going on that HUGE ship that was on the Paul Merton programme?? Surprised

We have a couple of articles that you might find useful for starters:

How to recover from a broken heart and then have a look at Moving on, to see where you will be all in good time.

Look forward to hearing more about your cruise, your news will keep us all going! Kiss

Posted on: November 2, 2011 - 11:56am



Hello jane47,

Sorry a bit late to this..

How are you today, as I see you haven't been back since the end of Oct...

Posted on: November 9, 2011 - 2:23pm


Hello i'm new and need words of wisdom

Posted on: December 28, 2011 - 10:48pm


Hi joo

What words of wisdom are you looking for?

Posted on: December 28, 2011 - 10:58pm


i dont know where to start> i am a mum of one my bf moved out 2 months ago after i found a receipt and he confirmed he had met up with someone> since then we have both been very 'polite' to each other but he is out all the time and i asked him out right the other day if there was anyone else involved he said no and was very definite about it but today he was seen with a girl in our local town. i feel betrayed, hurt and let down he says she is just a friend but why did he not tell me?

Posted on: December 28, 2011 - 11:07pm


Hi joo. Welcome along to One Space. Perhaps your boyfriend being seen in town with a girl, was just like he said, a friend. If he's already moved out, I can't really see any reason for him denying anything. Are you hoping to get back with him, but not sure whether to trust him? Is he asking to get back with you? Can I ask how old your child is? Just wondering if it's a small child, as some new mums feel insecure in their relationship.

Posted on: December 29, 2011 - 12:32am


Aww joo.  I'm so sorry.  As haseleyes says, if he is definite, could it be innocent?


Posted on: December 29, 2011 - 1:15am


maybe it was innocent and when i sent a ranting text he just said i havent dont anything wrong. its the fact that when i asked him what he was doing today he said nothing much so i asked if he wanted to spend the day with his son and he said no and now i know why. he says he loves me still and that he will always be there for me yet he walks through the centre of our town with another girl and knows he has been seen yet fails to tell me. i love him more than anything we had been together for 13 years and our boy is 2 but i could never get back with him because he just lies all the time! now i cant sleep and feel abandoned, hurt and so lonely Cry please help me see sense!!

Posted on: December 29, 2011 - 1:23am


Only time will heal the hurt - or perhaps not heal, but you learn to deal with it...  Babysteps will get you there.

This site is a good place to off load or rant too, as a lot of us have an idea of how you feel.

Anger is part of the healing.

Posted on: December 29, 2011 - 1:52am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello joo

Welcome along to One Space. It sounds to me as if your ex boyfriend does not enjoy being asked about whom he has met and why...if you have split up then really it is not your business. However, if he wants to get back togteher then he needs to prove that he can be trusted and it sounds as if there is a long way to go to win your trust. Having a relationship with your son is a completely separate matter from having a relationship with you, and it might be helpful to have a (calm) discussion as to future contact.At the moment it feels as if you are stuck in the middle and that's not fair on you.

Posted on: December 29, 2011 - 8:47am