on own now

Hi just wanted some support now i'm a single mum.  My husband left 3 weeks ago found out he was having an affair in July (the day he went away for work for 4 days) he came back and said he wanted to make a go of it.  Went away on holiday came back beginning of september then three weeks later he says that he doesn't know what to do.  Moves out for two weeks to think about it then I find that he has re-kindled his affair with her.  Am so heartbroken, he then tells me on 4 October that he never coming back, I was perfect wife and that he is protecting me from cheating again.  What makes it all the more sad is that 2 years ago diagnosed with breast cancer and life was just beginning to get good again.  He never dealt with caqncer well and only came to two appointments and kept telling me it had gone and that I didnat have it anymore.  Must have been hard for him shaving my head etc but life wasnt great for me either.  Have a 10 year old boy and I had to tell him that his dad had left as he couldnt "face doing it in case he broke down".  The woman he has left me for has a 16 year old daughter and is the ex-wife of someone i Know.  His dad did exactly the same to his mum and brother and sister and he did not see his dad for two years as he had broken his mums heart - surely he would have learnt from him the destruction this can cause.  Seem to spend all my time crying and alternating between hating and loving him.  Have made a  list of good and bad points and the bad outweigh the good but he was a good dad and husband before I got ill.  He never talked to anyone about it and wont see a counsellor or anyone else as he "doesnt talk".  I work as a community7 support officer and feel sad that he just decided that he would go without even asking if I would be prepared to give the rest of my life to our child.  It goes without saying that I will but get panicky at the thought of becoming ill again with the stress and promising my son I will always be there for him now but wondering.............  Life is so unfair  I thought Had my share of first failed marriage, no kids with first husband as he couldnt no more kids with this one (unexplained) cancer and now this how much more am I to be punished.  I try and be a good person look after my parents help people do my best but one knock after another.  Have booked a cruise at xmas for me and son as cant face the whole jolly xmas/santa/family routine I know it escaping but at least he might have a good time.  He taking it pretty well at moment but cries when his dad leaves on the two times he has visited in last month.  He has a good time with him and doesnt seem to realise the devesation he has caused.   I am now starting to question him with his phone caqlls what he said etc and get annoyed when he wont tell me everything.  Had a shit birthday yesterday all I can see for the future is life on own with him and work.  Now he getting nasty as I had tried the tears, ignoring and being nice and as I was dressed up wed (albeit to sit in car for 2 hours) he wanted to know where I was going still sent bday card and text saying have a nice day thinking of you.  The only hold he has now over me is that he pays the mortgage and most of bills, I could afford to pay bills if he pays mortgage but don't want to mention money yet as that might make him want to sell now (he says he doesn) but mortgage due up for renewal in April.  Am seeing solicitor next week just for advice re money as I have none left each month after paying my share of bills so me and my son have nothing.  I know that everyone says he not worth it but it feels like he has died and like probably everyone whose been on hear pine for the life that we had good holidays, days out etc. 

SO SADxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx