Hi everyone,
I've been a member of the site for a while but haven't posted anything until now; can't afford counselling anymore and my friends are beginning to get sick of hearing the same complaints time and time again!
My ex hasn't supported his children financially since August last year and emotionally was not there for the traumatic fallout when he walked out 2 years ago. Since he started living with his girlfriend (3 weeks after moving out!), he has contacted the children less and less - at first he would ring to ask how their week at school had gone but now there are no phone calls at all. I assume it was a joint decision of theirs to take me to court last September for more contact time in an attempt to make her more a part of the girls' lives. I was against this; mostly my feelings of anger - who dares try to play mum to someone else's children? - but also because, as people, I felt they were unstable, immature and bad role models for the children. Obviously I have no control over their father having contact, and have never stopped him from seeing them, but I was, and still am, incredibly hurt that he took this course of action. As a result, he only got an extra 2 hours a fortnight, but the emotional strain it put on me was huge. He stopped paying maintenance - and believe me, I was on the phone to the CSA practically every day - as he doesn't work now and is living off his girlfriend and mother. I try to block him out of my thoughts but my feelings of anger have not lessened over the years.
Has anyone got any idea how I can move on emotionally? The relationship is dead and buried, that isn't my problem; my problem is the injustice of it all. Abandon, pay nothing towards their upbringing, try to replace me with another 'mum' and take me to court.... How can I start to make sense of these feelings for the sake of my girls? (He and I have no contact whatsoever, bar an angry text every so often - he picks the kids up from school every other Friday and drops them back on the Monday so I don't have to see him).
S
Thanks for your comment, sparklinglime. It's reassuring to hear that what I feel isn't unusual, and more importantly to me, that the time scale isn't - I was beginning to feel that I've been stuck in a rut of emotion and don't feel anywhere near able to get out - that helps, thank you.
And I need to channel my energy into something positive, too. It's too easy to use having no free time as an excuse, though. I've done a 5 day week this week (I'm a supply teacher trying desperately to get back into full-time teaching so that I can financially provide for my children - we live with my parents now as I couldn't afford to keep the house) and I feel like a zombie today. Last weekend, when his girlf emailed my mum to ask to change contact dates in September (WTF has it got to do with either of them??!!) I had such an angry reaction I physically tensed up so much that I ached all over, could hardly move and slept for 13/14 hours solid for 3 nights running. Now I know that's not healthy, and I don't want to react this way, but I'm worried it won't get any better especially as I'm hoping to be working full-time from September.
Has anyone else reacted this way? Or am I just odd?!
Hi I don't think your odd Its all normal
But what I can see is that basically you have two options you either allow 'them' to continue getting to you or you take control and say enough enough it's time to draw a line in the sand so to speak and not let them bother you
If communicating with her is this hard foryou and it sounds as though it is then you should consider not communicating with her simply refuse and just contact him if this is possable for the children.
I am aware the above is not as easy and won't happen overnight you need to mentally work on it and eventually I'm sure you will get there.
What sorts of things do enjoy doing I understand free times short but do you ever get out? I think your right about needing to find something posative to focus on.
It's not easy when we have been hurt but sparking says about anger being a waisted emotion and it's so true you are the only one waisting your energy why allow them the pleasure of that?
I hope you can find some piece with it all x
Hello sarahb34 and welcome, although I note you have been a member for some time. Could I please ask what you found useful about the site during your non-posting time, eg have you done any of the courses, have you been reading about other peoples' experiences etc?
Back to your question, the others have already given you some good information. What I would add are the million dollar questions:
Who is suffering because of your continued anger?
What are you achieving with continuing these feelings?
Now of course feelings are not there to be switched on and off like lights, and what you are feeling is perfectly normal, but what it boils down to is that you are the one who is suffering, it makes no difference whatsoever to him, and however justified your feelings (and they are!) there is nothing you can do to change what has happened. Therefore by letting this continue to eat away at you, you are hurting only yourself (and maybe it is not good for the children either, to perceive the bitterness) By teaching yourself to move on, to rise above it, you will finally experience great freedom.
Ok so HOW to do it is the question. One book I found really helpful is here (click) In particular it contains some very powerful visualisations. Have a look and see what you think.
Whether you are religious or not, remember the old prayer
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference"
It is a really good motto for life!
Thanks for the replies, Imdoingthis and Louise. I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
I've ordered the book just now - and am open to any help and advice I can get from anyone, anywhere!
I had managed to handle the communication reasonably well; ie. limited the texts to information solely about the children's contact dates and times. Because my refusal to have direct contact with her - whose job is it to make arrangements for HIS children?! - obviously displeased him/her, they've taken to trying to involve my mum in negotiations; the latest being they're going on holiday in September and want to swap weekends. This may seem to most a reasonable request but to me it seems like laughing in our faces - he won't pay to support his children and is happy to see them and his ex-wife without their own home, but has enough money to go on a foreign holiday. I can't help but get angry. The pit of my stomach is raging now as I write it!! Unfortunately it drove a bit of a wedge between me and my mum and that has also contributed to my excessive sleeping. Thankfully, the parents have gone away for a break which has given the 3 of us (the adults) some breathing space and a bit of time away. It's not easy being a 35-year-old teenager back in your mum and dad's house playing by mum and dad's rules. I feel disempowered as a parent and have started acting like the stroppy miss that I was at 17! I can see the funny side of that...just.
I don't want to be bitter, I want to move on and I want to be less angry...but it's not happening. I feel very stuck and powerless to do anything about it. I pay off a £10,000 loan at £300 a month that he left me with the same month he walked out which only adds to my hate. How could anyone treat another person with such thoughtlessness and disrespect? There are 12 months left on the loan out of 36. I could've declared myself bankrupt but that's not the example I want to set my children. I'll just warn them to cover their backs financially and be as independent as they can.
I'm looking forward to experiencing the freedom. I'm not particularly religious but I would say the whole experience has made me more spiritually aware and has allowed me to appreciate the important things in life. I can't afford holidays abroad but I have the love of 2 incredible children. That I know is priceless.
In answer to your initial question, Louise, I first visited the website for advice from the child maintenance expert. She advised me to make a formal complaint to the CSA, after 7 months of being fobbed off, which managed to at least flag up how long the case had been placed at the bottom of a large workpile. I didn't receive any money but I at least was given a personal response. I have read many posts by other readers, often feeling shamed that I'm making such a fuss when there are people out there in a lot worse situation. That's probably why I haven't posted until now. I haven't taken up any work courses etc as a result though - I've got a degree, postgraduate teaching qualification and 6 years experience but have been knocked back numerous times in the last 12 months because I've been out of full-time teaching for 2 years and am seen as some sort of has been. It's been incredibly frustrating and unfair. I'm still applying though....there may be a Head teacher who is also a single parent out there who can appreciate my situation rather than judge me. Anyway, I'm waffling now!
Thanks again and I shall check back often now that I feel I can share with others! 
Hi sarahB34
Living with your parents is bound to make you feel powerless to be honest and with the loan and trying to get back to full time teaching are three factors that will help you move on when they change, I'm paying off some debt of my ex and it's frustrating but I know it won't last forever so I'm not going to worry about it.
It seems your doing all the right things,
Its about learning to except things are how they are you carnt change him or his actions but you are in control of you and your life,
You can earn money to support the children and yourself and have full self satisfaction and self respect that you can do this.
Try to make the focus on you what you can do etc.
Hi there,
Anger is understandable, but it is also a choice. Like Louise said, the person you are hurting with being angry is only yourself. You are only responsible for your own actions / reactions, so you can tell yourself when you feel you are getting upset 'I choose not to be angry now' and deliberately find something to do that you enjoy or that cheers you up. Things like the email from the gf to your mother - ignore. You are not responsible for that.
I know it's not easy (been there, got the t-shirt etc), but you can retrain yourself. :-)
Hugs xx
First things first there will never be another mother, there may be times when you feel it but you are their mother- end of. I understand the feelings of ' how can he do this? is he human'? They are however, his choices not yours, you have no control. It's sad but you can only be there for her. We're all learning the hard way. Getting angry, I find only hurts you and probably goes over his head. Another point and maybe not a welcome one , if you met someone who swore they were determined to see their kids , would you support him? Probably! Maybe she (as in the girlfriend) thikns she's doing the right thing!
Hello sarahb34, I was once in a situation like yours (as I'm sure many others sadly have) I use to be full of hate and anger towards my child's father (in all honestly he still does P me off At times) but do you know what I realised- it's only him losing out, I have no doubt in my mind that my child will get upset at times in future over her father not making much effort but she will always know she has a mother and family who love her....same with your little ones.
Please try and turn your hurt and anger towards him to PITY, pity him for missing out on wonderful children. I know it's easier said than done and it will take time but when you think about him , just think "wow it must be sad to live a life like that" because anger/hurt takes up to much time in our life's & your children will pick up on it. keep being the bigger person :)
Some great posts on this thread, guys, HIGH FIVES all round
one of things ive started doing is viewing time the kids spend with him as my own personal hired babysitter / childminder time- except i dont pay him!!
i get five pound a week from my ex which kind of amounts to nothing in my book
hope things get better for you as time goes on, xx
have u tried supply teaching? you prob have :)
Hi,
Again, thanks so much for your comments. I didn't realise how much better it makes you feel having a forum to vent without being criticised.
I do do supply teaching; at first I had regular work with 2 schools but now the norm is that schools cover their own staff absences with teaching assistants or 'cover supervisors' who are at least 50% cheaper. I understand why - TAs are up to speed on the children's learning that week/term but they're not trained teachers.... Supply agencies take the complete mick by paying at least £35 less than you'd get directly from a school and don't have the pension contribution benefits either. After 12 months on Income Support I was lucky enough to get a few days work last October at another local school on a friend's recommendation ('It's not what you know, it's who you know' example - highly unusual in education these days) and have been getting 1/2 days a week on average there - I top it up to 16 hours by doing English tutoring at a local High school for young adults who have English as their second language. I'm grateful for the help I receive from Working Tax Credits etc but the work isn't enough, nor reliable enough, to allow me to take the risk of leaving my parents' home. I've applied for full-time positions at a number of schools for a Sept start but the same thread seems to run through....I've been out of the game for 2 years and some have asked why I left teaching..?! Have you ever tried holding down a career when your partner disappears, leaving you with no childcare for a 5 and 3 year old?! Let alone the fact that I could barely function emotionally with the trauma of betrayal and abandonment worse than a death?! Doesn't come across too well in an interview situation....
You're right though chocolate81, I see the time the girls are with their dad as 'my time' - time I never had when I was in the relationship. There is something really powerful about rediscovering 'you' and the things you could do before children took over your every waking moment (not that I'm complaining - they're the best thing I've ever done!). At first I was scared and didn't venture out of my comfort zone but now I'm slowly getting better. I suppose it will all improve with time. However, there're always times when you get the rug pulled out from under you and it feels like you're right back near the beginning again....
I don't receive a penny from my ex - he's been assessed as a 'nil assessment' - but he has arrears which the CSA can't even get him to pay. Why is it that the government are throwing so much into getting single parents back to work but not holding the other parent accountable and responsible for contributing?? Why on earth should my ex get away with not working? I think they need to point their efforts just as heavily in that direction.
Anyone have any views on this one?
Great point.
Just a thought, drop an email to our CSA guru by clicking here, she will let you know if there is any other avenue you can try.
Keep trying with the applications, it takes a while and it's hard to keep your spirits up but do take heart
Hi
The anger does lessen and gets replaced by indifference. For me it took years to get to this point, but not over the various women who were involved (he got married to his third fiance four years after we split up) but with the way he treated the children.
But I can't make him a better Father. I can't make him choose to be supportive emotionally, and I can't make him choose to be supportive financially.
So eventually, you realise that the anger is wasted energy... I do need to point out that it is now 9 years since we split up, and it probably took me four years-ish to get to this point.
Believe me though, I still have mega blips.
His girlfriend is not and never will be the mother of your children. You are their Mum. I know it sounds easy to say, but I think focusing on that can sometimes help.
I actually wanted my ex to take me to Court, but he never did. It sounds as if the court supported you.
I'm afraid it is a situation where only time can ease things.
Good to 'see' you here