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Sooooo.
I was chatting with MiL yesterday. Her daughter (technically she's an ex-step-mother-in-law) met up with The Git and Gittess for a meal. I think her daughter had gone their way (I don't know where 'their way' is).
She had a lovely time and was saying how what a great bloke he was. MiL then saying how nice he is each time she phones him. It was me who calmed her down when she was getting anxious as to whether he'd put pressure on her to sell the house. I knew he wouldn't.
Anyhow. He's gone from being an awful father for not sending Christmas or Birthday cards, or for phoning to see how they did in exams (GCSEs for one A Levels for another) and for leaving daughter so upset over the 18th birthday thing to being the bees knees.
They last spoke to him at his father's funeral. He phoned last week to let them know he's coming over first week of December to see them. The excitement is lovely to see. Gone the sadness and trauma of watching their grandfather die, not being able to understand why their father chose not to visit him.
So. All the nightmares he's put them through, all he's done - or perhaps more of a case what he hasn't done is all forgotten. Hell on earth for me at times with the cancellations of contact time and worse the "no shows", all the financial juggling on my part to try and make sure they didn't miss out on things that they see their friends with "normal" two parent families have. None of this matters.
The only person this matters to is the parent who goes through it, protecting their child/ren from the hurt and the pain. That parent is the only one who sees things for how things are. We are the only ones who will be affected. No one will consider our feelings nor think, for a second, to say we are right to feel as we do.
All they will see is how wonderful that 'other' parent is today.
So The Git was right. All that happens today counts for nothing. Tomorrow is a new day with a new dawn and all that happened before means nothing.
So perhaps for all us parents who really do hope that our child/ren will see the 'other' parent for what they truly are is wasting energy.
In my case I'm taken for granted. Which really is right, as I am here 100% for them. Here for them to take out their fears and frustration out on. Yet the other parent can turn up out of the blue after months of no replies to their texts and no contact and is absolutely the best parent in the world.
This isn't a rant. Its something I'm getting my head around and will perhaps move on to acceptance, which will help.
I've not run The Git down with my children (and neither will I start). Daft enough to defend him with MiL who will rant about him, as will two of her three daughters. Yet, a sentence from the third daughter and the sun shines in his corner again.
I really don't matter at all.
Hi Sparkling, of course you matter, and deep down you know this. Today, understandably, and I think quite rightly, you're annoyed because the Git seems to shine. Your ex MIL will soon change her mind again about her step-son, and once again, you'll be there to calm her down, when she gets worked up about something to do with him.
You know what you have done for your children. They know what you have done for them, and hopefully, when they have their own children, they will appreciate it more (the things you have scrimped and scraped for) I think, in your case, where the Git hasn't wanted to know, hasn't texted them over different changes in their lives, you've handled things perfectly. Never running him down, not letting on what has really happened in the past etc. Perhaps each time he gets in touch, they (being children) hope in their hearts, that 'this time' he'll make an effort. You know full well that he won't, but they cling on to that hope.
Don't be hard on yourself here. You're a fantastic Mum, and they know this.We're all here for you. xxx
I'm not being hard on myself, honest. Its just something I coming to realise. My colleague has been really shocked on the fuss her children made over their father's 60th birthday when they hadn't seen him (his choice) since they were very, very young. They found him on fb, and made contact.
Yet the man they call Dad, who has been in there for most of their lives only had a card.
And it is because I don't run him down they're excited.
Just people do have such short memories, don't they?
You're completely right there Sparkling, some people do have short memories indeed.
Sparkling, you ARE being hard on yourself! You are doin a fantastic job and, trust me, your children know that you are the one that's there for them.
Whilst my three youngest all say they'd want to see their father, should he unexpectedly make contact, the oldest (who used to get rueful drunken phonecalls from time to time) says he doesn't want to (he's 24). You know the turmoil No3 son is in - I doubt very much that he'd trust anything said by his father at all.
I think they know you're the one, and they are just taking what they can get from the Git (which by the way is a pregnant camel).
Sending you lots of hugs xxx
It sounds like you're giving yourself a rough time to me too, sparkling.
I have never run A's dad down to her (she's too young and I don't intend to do it when she's older, either), although he did some truly awful things when she was little. She has her own relationship with him and I'm not going to interfere with that (unless it all goes very badly awry). Consequently, she adores him. Which infuriates me at times, especially when I'm the only one parenting her, reprimanding her for behaving badly or talking to her about what she's done that isn't ok (rather than letting her get away with blue murder). But he's her dad.
I suppose what I'm saying is, families are peculiar. I think its admirable that you've tried to maintain relations with your ex MiL. But as Anna said, she will want to hear good things about her son. That's how mothers are...isn't it?
Please don't run yourself down. You are doing a great job with your kids and one day - probably sooner than you think - they'll turn round and acknowledge it. But for now, try to let the other stuff 'go'. Easier said than done, no doubt, but give it a whirl.
Mary x
He's her step-son. FiL and MiL were widower/widow and married in the late 80s. Very happy marriage.
I'm not running myself down, really I'm not.
It has dawned on me that only me will see things and remember things that have gone on, because really there's only me who's been affected...
I never realised the meaning of Git Hopeful. I like the names Git and Gittess even more now 
Hi sparklinglime - another thought. When I was younger my parents were 'my parents' and I didn't see them as a separate entity, I thought they had the same beliefs/values as each other and our relationships were all the same. However of course now as an adult I know different!
You are your childrens parent, they love and adore you. Their father is the other parent and they subconciously/logically project their love for you and your relationship with them onto him. Do you get my drift?
I agree with hazeleyes too, that they are still hoping that 'this time' he is going to step up.
I felt sad when reading this post as many parents who know exactly what their ex's true colours are dread to a certain extent that the kids are excited about visits- not because we don't want our children to love their fathers but because we know its all an act & there will be hurt & pain at some point :(
i think any children take their parents for granted when they are around them 24-7. I know I sure did.
do you think their father is just going though a phase of being the great father and he will convert again?
im pretty certain as they get older they will I understand more & remember that he wasnt there for them & let them down but for now they are just excited to have "daddy time" and most likely posatibe stuff to tell their friends about- your right to not bad mouth him to the children (I know how hard it can be to bite your tongue) but people do not change over night & I believe you can not just brush the past under the rug, it will take time for you to trust him & even respect him. If he is genuinely trying to be a better father then good on him & good on you for being so strong & there for the kiddies :)
Hi Sparkling,
I agree with the above replies to you because Yes I am a parent, but I was also a child who's dad left her at 5 years old and then the bitter divorce ensued. He left my mum penniless to raise a 4 and 5 year old and she never bad mouthed him, considering what I know now what a pathetic excuse for a man he is. So here I am now 40 years old with a 7 year old son and a single mum too. I learnt two things from being that 5 year old, one was i wanted my dad to love me and still want me so if I showed him I cared then maybe he would reciprocate (weekend dad.. But soon he became bored of that and disappeared ) two, is that if I ever had children I would never introduce them to my father, the man who was capable of hurting me at a young age (mentally) could do it to my child. I kept my word and he has never met my son but has amazing relationship with my mum.. Who is and will always be the woman who gave up her needs for the needs of me and my little brother. So you know what, let it wash over you... When your children become adults they will praise your grace in the way you handled their less than adequate father. Well done you... Sparkle again just as your name denotes !
debbie72, that's a lovely post.
My parents also split up - before I was born. Despite having a multitude of good reasons to, my mum did not once bad mouth my father to me or my brother.
When I was a teenager, just becoming a woman, my father showed his true colours and said some incredibly inappropriate things to me. It was like a veil being lifted; although I had known his parenting was flawed, I suddenly saw him for the misogynist he is. I decided I didn't need that negative energy in my life and we haven't had any interaction for 16 or so years now (although I am still in touch with one of his children from his second marriage and my aunt, his sister). I also changed my surname to complete the 'distancing' process.
sparkling, with you as their mum, your children have a fabulous role model. Much as two good parents is preferable, one great one is enough x x
I do appreciate all the comments and hearing your stories.
I know my children love me, and I know they take me for granted because they know I'm there for them 100%.
What I am accepting, however, that there will be only me who won't forget what a nightmare we've been through.
The children I protected as best I could.
While other adults in their life know what we were subjected to, they have, by now, forgotten it, and see The Git as a top-bloke.
It's right my children love him. I've never done anything to dull that, and comforted them when he's upset them.
Only I will hold those memories, and I will be seen as bitter, probably... I think perhaps hearing someone say ''he'll always be a Git'' would be so refreshing :-))
But yes. One good parent is all a child needs. Someone there for them 100%.
I'm not being down on me. This is just something I've come to realise...
I grew up with DV. My parents often didn't speak and it was horrid growing up in an atmosphere. Yet I loved both my Mum and my Dad. I just hated the way my Dad treated my Mum. My Mum made me promise not to raise my children in an atmosphere. That is one promise to her I have kept.
Hi sparkling, better you remember his behaviour rather than your kids, try to move to a positive place and understand that you can survive this for their sake.. You have just had an epiphany that's all.... Wish more did then it would lesson the hurt. Have a positive weekend and realise that you are the "git' shield !!! Like a super hero it is your secret weapon!
Sparkling, 'he'll always be a Git' 
Has that refreshed you?
xxxx
Other than feeling ill, that has made me feel very refreshed, thank you
Anytime old girl, anytime 
OLD????
You two make me laugh
Good morning sparkling
Of course I echo the supportive comments and compliments, you have done a fantastic job and I can't praise you highly enough.
But in your post I do not hear you putting yourself down, what I hear is you saying "all this time what has kept me going is thinking ok well when they are grown up they will realise what he is like and what he has done.....and now I don't think they are going to, and so I have to find a new perspective" and that's tough.
Of course, they may well get a more realistic picture of things to a degree but you're right, they won't know what he has put you through and actually that's all to the good. You saw what your own Mum went through and anyway we cannot expect our children to prop us up emotionally, and there's the rub.
It's infuriating that he gets away, yet again, not only scot free but seemingly smelling of roses. But as we have said a thousand times, we can't change others, we can only change ourselves, and I believe you are now struggling with this dilemma and coming down on the side of acceptance.....eventually. Way to go, sparkling, you are even more fab than all the posts above say!!!!!
Thank you
Mary, I'm very lucky as I have found so much laughter on this site, and I would be quite lost without it.
sparkling sparkling sparkling, you must stop this.
Yes your children are excited to see him, they are at that age. You have never bad mouthed him, so the fact that he has popped up and said he wants to see them, of course they feel overjoyed.
As they get older they will see through all that has gone on (as your eldest has found).
You wanted them to have a positive image of their dad and you gave them that.
I know it feels rotten, as though you have been tossed to the side because this 'fabulous person' is visiting. But I can bet my bottom dollar, that if they had to spend any more than a day or two with him, the sun wouldn't shine so brightly..........
As for your MiL, of course she wants to see and hear about her son in the best light, he has let her down time and time again. So let her have this time, as you know, things change.
And now to you. I want you to acknowledge what a great mum and companion you are. You are kind, sincere, thoughtful and have always put the children first. You are a fabulous person and (personally I believe) what goes around comes around. You will have your childrens love and support for the rest of your life, you have done all the groundwork.
Which position would you prefer to be in?