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Newly Single Mom


Hi to all,


I'm new to this and have lot's of questions, Access / maintenance / In-laws / Contact etc...the list is endless.


Basically I have recently left my daughter's father just a month ago as he was cheating on me and just completely unreliable and untrustworthy. My daughter is only 7.5months so it wouldn't have had any effect on her and I know it was the absolute best decision for both of our sakes.


My ex has only text twice over the course of 5weeks and saw his daughter over 8weeks ago so it's pretty poor really. There are a whole host of problems but I am seriously considering going to court to arrange for supervised visit's as he is very untrustworthy but I would like some information/advice on what the process is and generally what happens?

My daughter is still BF as she has a milk/dairy allergy, she is also very much a mummy's girl.....even with people she see's regularly she needs to know that I am close by so her father coming into the picture now and attempting to take her out would be near impossible.

I've also gone through the CSA for maintenance as he refused to offer any support to me without me 'providing specific reciepts to prove that I was spending the money on' my daughter (absolutely rediculous as I am the most selfless person, especially when it comes to my daughter) and he has really dragged his heels with providing any information to the CSA....he is also self-employed and has not kept up with his tax returns for the last couple of years so the CSA is basically waiting on him as they have come to a blank with the tax office.


He very rarely made any effort when we lived together so I am convinced he wont really be that reliable now. However I am very concerned that he will continue to 'waltz in and out' of our daughters life causing chaos so I would like to stick to some boundries sooner rather than later.


If anyone can advise me on what the process is for arranging 'supervised visit's that would be fab? Or anything else really.


Thanks. Sorry for waffling on a little....... sooo much to think about ;)

Posted on: September 4, 2010 - 12:36am


Sorry for what might be a garbled reply, just being sorting out scout stuff, and I'm shattered!

Welcome to the board though. There are brilliant people here who can offer you support, advice, and hopefully laughter.

If you are concerned for the safety of your child, then you can refuse to let him see her.  If you are concerned as he's unreliable, then that would be a different issue.

Although things are changing, you can refuse contact and he would then be able to go to the Courts for contact (not necessarily you).  Both your circumstances would be looked into, and Court would made the decision about contact, and whether or not it would be supervised.  You would then have to comply with the Court Order.

The question here is though, if he's not showing much interest, would he go to the trouble?

With regards to maintenance, you've done all you can.  Unfortunately, I have found that it is easy for a non-resident parent to hide income should they chose to.  In an ideal world, of course, they would want to support the child.

You mention in-laws in the early part of your thread.  What is your relationship like with them?  I have a fabulous relationship with my ex-in-laws, and go there with the children virtually every week.

It would be so good for you daughter if she is able to have a relationship with both sides of the family.  It is her right to have a relationship with both parents, not the parents right to have a relationship with the child.

Does her father have parental responsibility? 

In theory, so long as he's not a threat to your daughter's safety, should he chose to 'walts in and out' there's not much you can do to stop that either...

If this can be sorted amicably, or perhaps through mediation rather than through the Court system, it is far easier on everyone.


Posted on: September 4, 2010 - 12:56am


Hi LadyK. Welcome along to One Space. I'm sorry but I know next to nothing about the situation that you're in. My son's 'sperm doner' didn't want to know whatsoever, and isn't part of our lives, which to me makes it so much easier!

Like Sparkling says though, regarding ex partners parents and family. It would be lovely if your daughter could have contact, (if of course, she has had this before). To be honest it doesn't sound as if your ex has too much responsibility, like you say, he didn't make too much effort when you were together, and he hasn't really seen much of his daughter since your split.

Others will be along who will be able to give you more information, and offer their support, so please keep posting.


Posted on: September 4, 2010 - 7:33am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello LadyK

Welcome to One Space. There's lots of information and support here. I am Louise, one of the Moderators here.

Sparkling lime has given you an excellent summary. if you think the contact should be supervised then it is for you to say "sorry you are not seeing her unless it is supervised" and for him to take any legal action. However, supervised contact is only given where there is an actual risk for the child. Far better for any extra supervision to be provided by other family members (his parents?)

I agree that to be inconsistent in contact is not at all satisfcactory. Little and often is what is helpful for children the age of your daughter.

Whether he pays child support or not is a completely separate issue to the contact so any mention from him of "well I am not paying unless I see her" or from you of "you are not seeing her unless you pay support" will not be taken into consideration in any legal ruling. Better to try and settle between yourselves and if you think mediation might help, click here to find your nearest one.

Hope you will stay with us as you embrace the challenges and joys that single parenthood holds!

Posted on: September 4, 2010 - 7:57am


Hi LadyK,

Welcome to One Space. The previous posts have given a great breadth of information...how would you feel about mediation.

Its also worth considering that clinginess to Mummy is a real trait in children around eight months old, because they have become aware that you can leave. It can be a really beneficial thing for both mum and baby if the baby can learn to cope with this, especially if you plan to go back to work. My youngest was very clingy and breast fed until he was one, so I can really empathise, however I had to return to work and found that despite my fears he adapted wonderfully to being allowed to go to and with other people, he is now a really confident little person (although still a Mummy's boy).


Posted on: September 5, 2010 - 8:42pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi LadyK and welcome to One Space and the world of single parenthood. 

I am glad you have found us, I imagine you are going through a whirlwind of emotions at the moment.

To get supervised access for your ex, he would need to take you to Court for access and then you would have to prove that he was unsuitable ie violent or abusive and the Courts would then decree that he would need to be supervised. This tends to be for only a few months, then if the feedback was good from the workers at the supervision centre deem that he is fine with your daughter, the Courts would then move it onto unsupervised.

So does your ex want contact?  Is he asking for it?  It would be worth talking to a solicitor for professional advice.

Mediation is a lot less stressful/impersonal way of dealing with these situations, it means you can both lay your cards on the table and hear each others concerns.

Are there any members of either of your families who are prepared to help out with access visits?

If your ex did want regular access, you could express your milk for your daughter, you mention that she is clingy, but if he and she are to have a relationship then they need to work through this together and there is little you can do other than keep communication open.

If you need further support with maintenance and CSA please use our 1-2-1 Advice form where we can give you confidential email support regarding these matters.

There is so much to discuss here, how you are emotionally, if your ex is contacting you for access etc. Have you got a support network around you?

Posted on: September 6, 2010 - 4:14pm


Hi LadyK,

i am fairly new to this site as well, but was in your situation when my son was a few months old, and at the time my son father didnt really seem interested in having contact with him, it actually took me a long time to get his father wanting to have regular contact. I didnt go through the courts because i thought i could handle it. My most of his young life i had to struggle on my own with no help from his dad, financially or otherwise.

He did start seeing his son on the weekends but as my son was 'not interesting enough' my ex said he didnt bond with him and that he didnt know what to do or say etc, usually my son would just go over there to send time with his wife children.

Now that my son is 12 and starting to get interested in 'man things' my ex is trying to take control and take him away from me, he keeps saying 'you had him for 12 years now it is my turn'. Last year he kidnapped him and the police couldnt do a thing about it because there was no court order or any legal custody in place.

Again this is only my opinion from experience but i wish i would have put something legal in place when my son was a baby, it would have stopped everything that is happening now. You never know what is going to happen in the future, or how the 'ex' will change. my son goes to his dad every weekend and all of the school holidays, but that is not enough anymore he wants me to see him only during the weekend.

I am not referring to parental repsonsibilities but visitation schedule, if he choses not to visit his child under the terms you and the courts have set out then that his problem, but it wont come back to bite you when your child has grown up.

Hope that is some help, or if not at least you know you are not alone

Take care and hope things work out for you


Posted on: September 6, 2010 - 5:02pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Thanks Jasemine, for sharing what has hppened to you personally, that is really helpful to Lady K and to other reading the boards.

Posted on: September 7, 2010 - 7:22am


Hi Jasemine,

Thanks for your contribution, it sounds like you have been through a really tough time. How are things at the moment with your son and your ex?


Posted on: September 7, 2010 - 2:17pm