Newbie - Starting not to cope a year on?

Wildflower

Hi everyone,

I don't know where to start really...I don't know what's wrong with me recently.

I split with my ex last Sept, we sold the house we had together and I moved into a rented house on Boxing Day last year!

I wasn't really upset at the time all this happened, I was relieved that we'd split. I moved, I completed a Make-Up Artistry course, I settled my 2 children (both under 5). Everyone commented on how well I was doing, even though I was struggling I was doing it...sorting the kids, keeping the bills good, going to college!! But since the Summer it's all gone wrong!!

My oldest started school in September...I have to take him early before other children because his social skills are being assessed, he's now under Occupational Therapist, who have also recommended Speech Therapy. His behaviour is very unpredictable and sometimes he acts like he hates me!

Aswell as that, I started my second year of Make-Up, of which I had to give up last month...I couldn't seem to keep up with the work or stay focused and become resentful that my weekends were solely for housework & homework, as well as that my mum couldn't help me with 3 hours childcare a week.

My family aren't great supporters, I keep alot to myself, I tend to be the one they come to to tell me their problems and help them, which is probably why my first post is long and self-centred! (sorry)

I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't go anywhere or do anything because I don't really have any friends where I live. Alot of people I know are either too young and childless to understand my situation, or they're really happy and coupled up, so I don't tend to talk to anyone.

I always seem to be trying to make my situation better, but nothing ever helps! Ive been the doctors, I had councelling last month for my self-esteem because I just don't have any!

I can't seem to do anymore, I go without all the time! I don't waste money! Ive lost around 6 stone since last xmas cus I'll sometimes go without food to make ends meet! People tell me I look great, but I feel absolutely rubbish. I feel worthless and don't feel like a very good mum at all!!

Im dreading xmas...I haven't got the children after 1pm on xmas day and I don't have anything to do New Year so their Dad has planned a night out, so I'll prob be in bed by 7pm!

This is all I do and I can't stand it anymore, I love my children so much, but feel like I have no personal life. Am I being selfish?

Im thinking of doing the Life coaching course, has anyone done it? And did it help?

Hope to get to know u all better x

Posted on: December 5, 2012 - 4:48pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi Wildflower, I love your name! Welcome to One Space

I am sorry to read the sadness, loneliness and almost desparation of your post. Times are feeling particularly hard for you at the moment.

It sounds as though after your split, you were in control of everything and moving forward with your life, although difficult you were confident in your abilities to do this. Then it sounds as though summer happened and things started to go downhill.

Can you put your finger on what that was? Was it your son having his social skills assessed? Is it the early mornings? The change to your routine? Generally his behaviour?

You have two small children, which is hard work. It sounds as though your family are not being very supportive, but see you as the 'strong one'. You are feeling isolated and trapped at the weekends. Any of these on their own is tough enough, but as a bundle, can be arduous!

I uploaded the Life Coaching course and I highly recommend it! Doing anything that gives you food for thought can help shift where you are right now.

I think positive thinking will help right now. You say that you are feeling worthless, can you change this around to I am coping with an awful lot right now, but my children are fed and I am doing the best I can. I am proud of how far I have come.

I imagine that you feel quite a loss after giving up your college course, this was doing something for you and that feels good.

Do you visit your local childrens centre?

Posted on: December 5, 2012 - 5:26pm

Wildflower

Thank you for your reply Anna,

I can pinpoint a couple of things, but Im thinking that it was the fact that I had actually stopped and took a break! I realised my chosen career wasn't going to get me easy stable employment to cover bringing the children up on my own, I realised that I didn't take anytime for myself because I had no friends... I went out with my sisters a couple of times over this period and realised that there isn't such thing as a nice bloke, lol (not that thats a priority for me)

The children and a stable job are whats important to me, and I thought I was making progress, but now I feel like Im starting over again!!

I feel looked down on at the school...The other mums don't talk to me, and I think they wonder about my soon getting 'special treatment'!

I think I'll enrol on the life coaching and see if this helps. I can prepare myself for a lonely xmas x

Posted on: December 6, 2012 - 6:55am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello Wildflower and welcome

Anna has given you some great food for thought and I am sticking my two penn'orth in as well

Sometimes in a crisis, adrenalin keeps us going. The minute we get off the hamster wheel, however, it can all come crashing down and that has been your experience. You WERE handling a lot, probably too much given your lack of family support.

There is no magic wand here but the very best thing is a change of perspective. Anna mentioned positive thinking, let me give you an example. Your post ends "I can prepare myself for a lonely Xmas" What other ways could that be looked at? I suggest that this could be turned round to "I will enjoy my time at Christmas with the boys and during my free time I will...." You will what? Will you have a well deserved rest, snuggled up on the settee with your favourite film? Will you celebrate how fab you are and everything that you have achieved? Will you go along to a voluntary project that is serving Christmas lunch and providing companionship for local older people? Will you give yourself a makeover? There are lots of possibilities.

You had some counselling, how many sessions? Your GP can offer six free. It sounds to me as if you are a very intelligent woman have SO much to offer, if only you could believe in yourself. Ok so your career went on hold for a bit, well you have two little ones, that is blummen hard work, YOU WILL GET TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE, it might just take some time.

Let us know how you get on in the Life coaching. There is loads of friendly support on here. Just have to add that I promise you faithfully that there ARE nice blokes out there...but time now to concentrate on you nd to be proud of yourself and what you have achieved.

Posted on: December 6, 2012 - 8:49am

Wildflower

Thanks Anna,

It's such a weight lifted just to speak to people that know what Im going through...I think I did fall off the hamster wheel with a mighty drop, and now Im trying to get back on it!

I did think about volunteering xmas afternoon but Im not sure where to look or what I can do? Ill have a look today. And I have three days without them b4 New Year so I trying to think what I can do?

I only had 1 counselling session, all they offered was self-help and a book list, I didn't think this would work, I need a bit more structure and motivation because I just don't seem to have the energy at the minute.

As far as college is concerned, Im going to try and get on a Hairdressing course in January, it has a better timetable around school, so I shouldn't have to rely on anyone to help to do it! It's just the restless waiting that I hate. It makes me feel desperate and like Im always taking 1 step forward and 2 back!!

I've deactivated all my accounts on facebook and twitter because I can't read about how happy everyone is and all the things there doing over xmas, which isn't like me, I am usually happy for people, but I just can't put a front on at the moment! :'(

Thanks for the replies, It's really nice of you :)

Posted on: December 6, 2012 - 9:15am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Yes I know about the one step forward and two back thing but do you know what, it is actually TWO forward and only ONE back so you are still moving forward

Good for you with all your plans! I agree a one off counselling is not brilliant. If you put down the town you are from in your profile I will look to see what is in your area counselling-wise. Don't put it here on a thread, instead click My Profile, at the top of the page then Edit and scroll down almost to the bottom and put in your town in the Location box, then come on the thread and tell me you have done it and I will have a look!

Posted on: December 6, 2012 - 12:47pm