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Hi everyone
I have been going through a bit of a stressful time of late - January has been creeping up fast so I've been going through the job ads worrying about what job I will get!
My eldest son (6) has been bullied at school but he also has anger issues and is really selfish so we've had melt downs and tantrums everyday.
Two great things have happened which I wanted to share with you all. One is that the charity I currently volunteer for have given me a job from January. It's a year contract initially and it's managing the charity (which is what I do now). It's 18 hours a week so will be within school hours and it's working from home. I'm over the moon as it's more money part-time than any admin job I could have got even full time.
I'm really glad I stayed focussed and worked as hard as I did as it's really paid off. I want to encourage anyone out there working in a volunteer post to keep going and try and make it work for you as much as you can.
The other thing that happened was I (finally) made a link between by son's anger and his selfishness. He is such a complex thing, he's very deep, sensitive, active, intense, emotional, persistent, empathetic and confident yet he has low self esteem, wants to control everything and can be really obnoxious. He can be charming and very sweet and polite though! It's quite exhausting!
I had noticed it was getting worse, which I put down to the counselling as he is half way through and they said he would get worse before he got better, but then I did some research online and it lead me to see the link between the lack of gratitude/obsession with what he's going to buy or do next and the anger.
So I did something radical....to teach him to be grateful for what he has I have removed all the toys from the house, apart from a few for each child. I have made a rule that homework is to be done everyday, only half an hour of TV each and everyone will have chores to do. In addition no complaining is allowed and no talking back to me.
The results have been really incredible. They have been loving homework. All we've been doing is working on their handwriting and doing some maths then playing a vaguely educational game then they've been doing their own projects. DS1 has been making a calendar - it was his own idea he's doing an A4 page per month and DS2 is going through a numbers work book that he seems to love.
I think it is the extra time with me that they are liking. I am making it a rule not to do anything in the kitchen which I would normally do. They would normally watch an hour of TV after school then play after tea. It was all really wasted time but they just seemed too tired after school. I see now that they have plenty of energy I just need to handle it right.
I don't know if the toys will come back in - I'm enjoying it far too much!!
We are also praying as a family in the morning and they are responding really well to that. DS1 is VERY religious and so I decided that the things he needed to learn (contentedness, humility etc.) were all the sorts of things people of faith work on so praying makes sense.
His friend is taking him to church on Sunday because he wants to be a Christian....I downloaded some resources from Kids of Integrity and it's going great. I'm fully supportive of him "getting religion". I'm trying to pray to God rather than Jesus which is what he wants us to do, but in the end I suppose it doesn't really matter.
I had been very resistant to him talking all the time about Christianity. Everytime he said something, about God making the world or Jesus being born or whatever, I would always say "yes that's what Christian's believe" and then kept trying to bring up other faiths. In the waiting room at counselling talking to other parents, however, I started to see that there was no harm in encouraging him as it grounds him and is helping with the things he needs to work on so I've dropped my quest to educate him on all religions equally atm!
I am also going to get them involved in some charity work and spending time with sick kids, or disabled people so they can appreciate their lives more. Hopefully they'll want to give some of their toys away.
I can't believe I havent done this before. The house has always been totally chaotic but I just accepted it and tried to impose order from above. This way is so peaceful and enjoyable. I'm so glad I will be able to pick them up from school and continue it when I go back to work.
Thanks for always being here!
Lots of love
Gem
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Hello Gem
First of all, well done on the job, fantastic, and I am a great believer in voluntary work paying dividends in all sorts of ways....careerwise, socially and eventually financially 
Next it sounds as if you decided that seizing control in the family was what was needed, I think so often we feel as parents that allowing children a free rein is the thing, and I agree it is...within BOUNDARIES. Children love boundaries, even teens love them. My eldest is 19 and 6 ft 2 but needs them there because he still does not trust himself to set his own.
I agree that it is the time with you that is doing the trick. The toys can come back in, maybe just not all at once?
Religion: I am a Christian myself so of course not against this at all, however at this age and indeed any age, faith should be a source of joy and not guilt so do monitor what he is praying about, mainly prayers of thanks rather than about his faults, he is still so small. just be careful that this doesn't exacerbate his low self esteem
Good luck with this new phase of things!!
I am sooo jealous!!! I wish I had thought of things like that when they were smaller. But then, I worked fulltime and was tired myself..... :-/
Well done Gem!!!!
Gem,
Fantastic post. Well done with the job. I can relate to what you have written about as I too did voluntary work for six months and was then offered a paid job doing the same work as I had volunteered for.
It's great that you have changed the routine after school and it is working for you all, again I can relate to this too! I have set some new boundaries since the beginning of the school term, there is no t.v. Monday to Friday after school. She still has t.v. in the morning - this is a reward for getting ready for school on time i.e. if she is ready by 8.15 then she watches two episodes of Peppa Pig, or if she is ready by 8.00 then she watches programmes until 8.25:).
I am a Christian and my daughter is interested in being a Christian, if you are looking for ideas to encourage your DS1's faith there are child-friendly books and DVDs available, I go to my local Christian bookshop for books etc. My daughter is 7 and reads the Good News Bible for children, it is a 'proper' translation but is more simple than other translations such as King James - which I would avoid for children as it is very archaic and difficult to understand.
I would be interested to hear how you get on with getting them involved in charity work, I too would like to do this with my daughter. (Involvement has been very light to date, giving our outgrown things to a local charity shop.)
All the best
Congratulations on the job Gem, volunteering is a great way into work and something that paid off for me to.
It's great that your new boundaries and the time together are having such an impact, i'm with Louise on taking note of what your son is praying about, a friend told me of an easy way to help children learn how to pray and it is to just remember "JOY" J means to give praise for the things you have, family, friends, cat etc O is to pray for others, and Y is to pray for yourself.
I also like your idea of getting them involved in some charity work, have you ever thought about doing respite care? My parents used to do this when i was young for disabled children they would have someone overnight once a week or a weekend a month it tought me and my siblings how to be greatful for what we had, and is something i have been considering know mine are not so little.
Hi everyone
Thanks for all the input I can't believe you all read my mammoth post!
Louise - thanks for the tip about watching what he's praying for. We are praying together in the morning and evening now and we discuss what we are going to say first (because of DS2 praying "please God give me lots of money"!) I have to say DS1 doesn't need much guidance in the praying area. When I asked him what DS2 could have said he prayed "Dear God, please help DS2 to appreciate the things he has and to be content with his money". I was blown away.
The low self esteem seems to be around his behaviour - we pray that God will help him stay calm when he is teased (he is being bullied and ostricised by his entire year group atm) and I haven't heard him say anything about his faults but I will definitely keep an eye out.
Hopeful - don't forget all I do atm is the volunteering and the children. The volunteering I do from home so if the children need me I don't do it that day. I can literally make them my focus atm for which I am incredibly grateful. Working fulltime is so hard and you did a fab job.
englishrose - I'm so glad you found volunteering good too. I really have found the TV to be a big factor as well. Thanks for the tips on books etc. He has asked a Christian friend of mine for a bible for Christmas. We're starting slow atm. On Saturday we're going to do some Kids of Intergrity stuff and on Sunday he's going to church with his friend. I'm hoping we can visit the hospital on Christmas Day but i'm not sure which ward. We'll definitely be sorting toys out for the charity shop too.
Sally W - thanks for the JOY tip. That's really helpful. I like the respite care idea but I only have 2 bedrooms so I assume that wouldn't work? When I am ready to move onto that phase of the plan I'm going to trawl my contacts and see if we can spend some time with some local disabled contacts.
Thanks again for your posts everyone!
Speak soon
Gem
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Gem, I'm so very happy for you, but with work and the progress you've made at home.
It sounds brilliant