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A self-pitying post here, although hand on heart, I'm not going to break my heart over a holiday, as our safety has to be the bit that matters.
For the first time in a long time I have negative feelings - which is good, really, I guess.
I feel it is going to snow as I don't deserve a holiday.
Things go wrong because I don't deserve them to go right.
Now, I used to have that feeling most of the time - and most of my life, this isn't a marriage thing.
Even when my oldest was born, I was expecting problems as I didn't feel I deserved a healthy child.
I'd almost forgotten these feelings of negativity towards me, but yesterday it hit me like a wave.
To have snow in December is so unusual, I can reason with myself that the chances of this happening were remote. Yet I can also imagine people saying that she shouldn't be able to have a holiday anyway, and I can imagine The Git getting great pleasure in hearing about it, and he would say it was god's will as I'm evil.
And then I think he may be right.
So that's my little negative rant, even though I'm almost surpressing it. I thought typing it out may stop it becoming overwhelming.
I've told this lot that what ever we'll have a good weekend. And I'm glad I'm sort of matter of fact about it.
I grew up with dv, and it was all pandering to my Dad, and my Mum working full time from when I was four.
I'm not blaming that, as I know my Mum had little choice.
I do think that it was living in fear of a Dad when in a bad mood (which was often!!), and having two rather nasty foster sisters.
I don't know if you remember, but my sister wanted us to go for a week with her paying the difference. My sister has the same temprement as my Dad, and I know that if she had paid for this I would be feeling terrified of telling her!
I think the good bit is realising that it is quite a long time since I've felt it.
Yes it is.
If you grew up living in fear of a parent's displeasure then maybe your message was "Keep quiet and keep out the way" combined with "Women have to put up with things", both of which could give you a general feeling of unimportance (and therefore lack of worth). Just being aware of this can help, even if you can't make it better at the moment.
One thing I do in the assertiveness training I have delivered in the past is to ask each person to think of three positive things about themselves. It can be character traits, or talents as you wish. Then make it into a mantra for yourself, for example "I am a kind person, with a great sense of humour and lots of imagination". The challenge then is to say this out loud...eventually progressing to being able to say this to yourself in the mirror!
Also I am about to recommend yet another book A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson, which is a very straightforward read with exercises to do.
However, the most important thing is what you said in your own post "WE WILL HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND, WHATEVER"
Oh Sparkling, you are such a lovely person, and I wish you wouldn't be so down on yourself. If it snows, it has nothing to do with you not deserving a holiday. You DO deserve a holiday, and I'm praying like mad that you get to go. It will be a huge disappointment to the children, and I'm sure you as well, even though you've been dreading the trip etc. If you can't go, because of the weather, then you've already said, that you'll make it a fun weekend for the kids, so whatever happens, you'll be together as a family.
xx
Well I hope it does help a little, dear sparkling. We are all here for you
I know exactly what you mean. All this "deserving" is about how you feel about yourself, your self-esteem. When you are feeling that way then the good things seem to be out of place and "undeserved", the bad things seem like the story of your life. Does that sound familiar?
I can't give you a magic formula to make things right (hey I would be a millionaire if I had that formula
) but it would be worth thinking about WHY you think you do not deserve good things, in other words to work out what are called your "conditions of worth", the things you had to do as a child to be thought well of. This does not mean anything whatsoever against your parents; all families have a philosophy and the hard part is being able to stand back enough to identify yours.
My parents, for example, praised academic achievement to such a degree that the message I took from that was "you have to achieve to be loved" and so through my life when I have NOT achieved, I have then felt worthless...having identified this, I have worked on it and am now Ok with it all, but it can take a long time to work out the message and the connections in the first place; often this is done in counselling. So maybe you could think about your childhood messages, and it does not mean you had a bad childhood, it is the things that your family valued that you as a child may have taken on board.
...and by the way I hope you get your holiday, you DO deserve it!!!