Hi all,
I've only just joined and have already had the pleasure of chatting with a few of you and I would like to say I am overjoyed with how welcome you have all made me feel.
Cant sleep and need to get this off my chest!
Right best get down to it... Up until 18 mths ago my son (A-10 yrs) and I had lived on our own since he was 1 yrs old. We have always had a solid sound relationship and he has always had a good consistent relationship with his Dad. I entered into a relationship 18 mths ago with a man who turned out to be abusive emotionally and physically and also managed to scam me out of 20k. I took the decision to leave him when I was 6 mths pregnant, carrying his child (J) who is sound asleep next to me now :). After 2 mths of sleeping on my Mums couch with (A) sleeping on a matress in my Mums room I managed to get us a new home sorted where we are all now happily settled.
Whilst we were living with ex A was exposed to alot of aggresive arguments, and on a very few occasions witnessed physical abuse which I am totally ashamed of :(. I need to however state that ex never abused A. It was my responsibility to protect him from seeing these things and I am now afraid this may have scarred him for life.
Over the past 6 mths A has been developing alot of anger issues which seem to be worsening recently. When I think he is improving something else will happen which sets us back again. These blow ups are happening in school and not at home. The latest one was last Friday - there was a rip in a piece of art work he was doing (for me as a mothers day gift) and he lost it and ripped the full thing apart. This progressed quickly into a full on rage where he through 2 pairs of scissors across the classroon, turned a table over, swore at the head and ran out of school and was missing for 45 mins. When he returned of his own accord he broke down and was very remorseful for what he had done but failed to disclose why he had done this. I have asked him but he says he cant explain why. I have taken him to the docs and asked that he is referred to CAHMS which I'm hoping won't be months of waiting. The school are being really supportive, I just hope his high school will be the same as he starts there in Sept.
I haven't been much of a help of late as I am conscience that I have been nagging at him for the slightest thing and putting increasing pressure on him due to SATs exams etc. He has been helping with J too which I guess is a strain for him as with everything he has had to put up with over the past 18 mths along with the arrival of his new sis and his Mum giving him constant grief no wonder he is having these episodes.
All we seem to do is nick pick at each other and argue, I feel I've lost the relationship we once had and it destroys me when I look at him and we both know there's something not right... if that makes sense. I constantly apologise to him for my blow ups and can see he is wary around me at times. Its heartbreaking :(. I feel I'm a useless Mum and he deserves so much better - he didn't ask to be here did he? And I'm constantly consumed with guilt, espeically when I feel so much love towards J but at the same time am in constant conflict with A. He was my first born and best mate. I don't know how we ended up here..
Any advice shared would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks guys xx
Thank you for sharing what is going on for you, it means
that we are able to give more personal input as well as the more general info
in the articles we have recommended.
Tiredmum has given you some fabulous suggestions and
feedback. I hope this has gone some way to reassuring you. I particularly like
the idea of the worry book so he feels he has an outlet for his feelings. You
are NOT a bad mother and he is NOT scarred for life.
You say that his outbursts are at school. Of course, since
he does not want to show his anger to you, his beloved mum, although you clash
and things have made you feel distanced from each other. You also say that he
cannot/will not explain WHY he does things. Again, I am guessing that is
because he loves you so much. He will be feeling a mixture of emotions:
a.
Guilt that your relationship did not work out:
was it his fault? (he thinks)
b.
Worry that with a new baby, does that make him
the man of the family?
c.
Jealous that he has to share your love with his
new sister
d.
Low self esteem as he compares himself to a cute
baby whom everyone makes a fuss of.
e.
Insecurity: testing the boundaries to make sure
things are “safe” for him now
So the next step is: what do you do? I have a few
suggestions to use alongside the things tiredmum has already put forward. The
first thing is re the baby. Ignore her when she is asleep. Use these times to
make a big fuss of your son. When people come to the house, instead of
introducing the baby as J, introduce her as A’s sister. When A does something
for J, say thank you but also say but what about you? What could you have as a
treat? She may be a little baby but you are still my boy and I love you so very
much. Be prepared for a possible surly reply to this, lol. I am guessing that
the baby sleeping with you might also feel uncomfortable for him. Say to him something
like oh heck I wish J did not have to come in with me, hope she is in her own
cot soon. Talk to him about when he was a baby, the magical feelings you had,
show him some pics, tell him how much you still care for him. Dwell on him and
not J as much as possible (you have lots of time for J when he is at school).
Once things have settled down a bit and the lines of
communication are better you can talk to him about your ex and what you have
learned, don’t be afraid to say sorry for what he has had to witness, talk
about right and wrong. Can you leave J with your Mum and do something with your
boy? Take him out for a meal, fly a kite, go swimming, whatever interests him.
Get his dad on board and see what is going on there (maybe A feels he is being
shipped off there while you and J are together?)
Hope what tiredmum and I have said has been helpful. She is
right: you are pretty hormonal yourself only weeks after the baby’s birth so be
kind to you too.
So glad to have you here with us, AJ! Happy Mother’s Day 
Hi AJ, be kind to yourself. You sound like a fab mum. I'm sorry you're going through a difficult patch with your 10 year old son, but I'm sure it'll pass soon. Louise and Tiredmum have given fantastic posts, so there's nothing I can add to be honest. Did you mention in another post that your son is at his Fathers for the weekend? I do hope you're able to spend some time today with him, just the two of you, perhaps when the baby is asleep. Have a lovely Mother's Day. xxx
Hi again AJ. Just read that you asked for my input. My situation isn't the same as yours, but I did feel that my 8 year old and I were drifting apart, and our relationship was changing a great deal. We've always been on our own, so I can only put it down to the fact he himself was changing. I was getting so much bad attitude and rudeness from him, and I was actually finding myself disliking him (ashamed to say that). It seemed most days I was seeing 'red' with him. He is an absolute angel at school, and I was dealing with a ruddy demon!!! I would yell big time at him, and he would yell right back. A few weeks ago, I put him in time out, in my bedroom, and he trashed it, throwing clothes around, blocking my entrance by dragging a mattress against the door. I was so mad I did similar in his bedroom (again, ashamed to say that). I listened to the advice on here, totally ignoring the bad behaviour, (which is hard, but works), lots of praise for even the smallest things, (which I've always done I think), the first and then method, ie, first you tidy your room, then you can watch tv. Lots of tips which have made a difference. I'm not saying it is all rosies here now, but it certainly has improved. Fingers crossed anyway!! I also think the change in him has been very much to do with school, he sees how other friends talk to their mums, and they do seem to get away with it, and then of course he thinks he can get away with it with me!
Your son is going through some changes, due to the split from your ex partner, which by way, you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for. You made the best decision by leaving him, protecting your son and your baby girl too. I know he wasn't violent or anything to your son, but like you say, he witnessed some things. As long as he knows that you will always be there for him, that he is loved, then the two of you will get back on track. You're seeking help, which goes to show that you're a great mum.
Take care, chat soon. xx
I do hope you have a good Sunday AJ.
xxxxx
Hi tiredmum, wow you replied not long after the post! Where do you get your energy from, 5 children and little sleep 
.
Hi Louise,
Thank you both so so much for your advice and support. You have put everything into perspective which is what I haven't managed to do by myself so far. I feel reassured also in that things will get better with a little bit, well, alot of work.
I read your posts earlier but only manage to reply late in the evening when both are chucked up in bed.
I suggested the worry book to A and he wasn't overly convinced so I've left that one for now. I will introduce the chart as I can see this working with A as its similar to praise and will give him a goal towards. We have arranged that from now on we will go to the gym together every Wed. There is a kids gym attached to mine which A has been to before, followed by a bite to eat. He seemed really chuffed when I suggested it! I have cleared it with my Mum and she is happy to support and look after J.
I have said that we will have to get his baby pics out and have a look thro them as I keep telling him J is the spit of him when he was a baby. I need to collect them as there're in storage at my step Dad's at the minute since the move. My Mum also said that we'll get the old vids out of A as a baby to coo over.
I have already put into place the constant praise which I'm finding easy enough as I do praise him already but not enough so I'll up my game on that score. I have taken on board your advice on shifting my attension to A when J is asleep which I also put into action today. I need to coach other family members to do that too as it can seem that everyone is cooing over J and A is sat in another room. It's the biting my tongue and thinking before I open my mouth that I will find harder but I am convinced I'l get there.
The whole issue thing with my ex and discussing this with A is something I've battled with in that i was worried it was a taboo issue and I assumed he would know it was wrong but you're so right. How would he know as his Mum put up with it for a period of time. I agree that I need to discuss this with him (when the time is right) so he knows that it was wrong and also that yes I am sorry for exposing him to this.
I don't want him to think that its his responsibilty to look after us as it were, as he's still a child and that shouldn't bring with it so much responsibility and I will cover that with him at some point also.
The outline of the different emotions A could be experiencing is shocking as I would have never known this unless you told me. This is so helpful as I can start to reassure him where appropriate so to eliviate his worries over time. I feel I have been so selfish!
We had a good day today as my attitude has shifted since I joined you guys. I feel so much more positive already as I feel I have the tools to move forward now and its all thanks to you. I'm still coming to terms with accepting that there are selfless people like yourselves willing to give up your precious time to help others. Its a magical thing that you are all doing and I hope I can provide support and help out whereever possible.
I have loads to be getting on with and will keep you updated with our progress.
Thanks so so much again from the bottom of my heart.
AJ xxx
ps hope you had the mothers day you deserved
Hi AJ really happy to hear you have had a good day today xxx
You will get there it just takes a little time
As for where I get the energy from ha ha, I dont usually sleep much so tend to pop on and off here or read lots of things generally on the internet, I would be fab in a pub quiz!!!!!!!
Dont know if you are a film buff but have you ever watched Pay it forward? One of my favorite films that, if everyone watched it and then followed its theme, we could do such good things xxx
I hope that you have a great day tomorrow and look forward to hearing how things are going for you xxx
Hi hazeleyes,
A was back with me and J Sat evening so we spent all day today together which has been really good. We went to my Mum's for dinner and had an all round enjoyable day spent with family. How was your day? I hope you had a brill day too as you also deserve!
So we're very similar in that we we're/are on our own with our boys for most of their lives.. The bond is so strong though isn't it! Although I found that I over compensated for it just being us and let him get away with things that in retrospect I should have followed through with some sort of consistent punishment. I should have set clear boundaries so he knew where he stood.
A on ocassion trashed his room and had little respect for what I had to say said and I put this down to me being way too wishy washy and not laying down clear boundaries and not following through with 'if you don't you won't get' etc.
I envy you in a way that its still you and your boy. Have you had relationships since your sons father? I have found it really tricky in the past as A has made it known that he is the boy/man of the house and the two relationships (incl said ex) I have had since I split from A's Dad this has caused arguments. I have always protected him and taken his side even if he was being naughty which frustrated both my exes. I dont think I could be any other way though!
Need to dash as J is waking for her grub! Relentless lol
Must chat soon
Take care and thanks so much for taking the time to talk and share your experiences.
AJ xx
Evening tiredmum, How was your day? A good one i hope?
I so need my sleep but on the same note have always been a night owl. How many of you children still live at home and how old are your 3 girls? I'm so chuffed I've got a little girl now and am so looking forward to doing all the girly things together 
.
Bagsy I'm on your quiz team then as I'm hopeless, you could say a dizzy blonde lol
I do enjoy a good film and will take the time to hire the one you suggest as I'm guessing its an uplifting one?
Hope you have a great day tomorrow too xx
Hi AJ
I am definitely a night owl, I have 3 children at home now, teen girls 18 and 16, my son will be 10 on Tues, my daughter turned 18 on the 30th March so its a bit of a birthday week here, my 16 year old daughter and eldest daughters birthdays are 11th and 12 of July so one 17 and one 21 this time!!!!!!!!
You will find that it is so much easier to buy for a girl than a boy, there is much more scope in both clothes and toys, and yes it is nice to do girly things with daughters although as they are now both the same size as me my clothes did have a habit of going missing a while back which was a little annoying, it seems to have ceased for now but I guess its quite good that my teen daughters will wear my clothes ha ha I just wish they would grow a size, I`m size 8 so could do with them being a 10!!!!!!!!
Pay it Forward is a fab film and yes I`d say uplifting here is a link to the trailer
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0223897/
I have a busy day tomorrow, have to take my friends mum to hosp appt straight from school run drop her there and quick dash to Asda to collect birthday cake and maybe a couple of bits for sons birthday, then need to carry on with mails here, my friend and I recycle brand new school uniforms and use freegle/freecycle to get them to people that need them, we are currently working our way through a huge amount of blazers lol
Hope you have a good day too today, chat to you later tonight hopefullyxxx
Glad you had a good day, and that you're feeling more positive
Hi AJ
Glad you have found the support and info helpful. Just one more thing to say: YOU ARE NOT SELFISH, you have done your best and wow! how strong are you to move forward from that abusive relationship and to remain the loving mother that you are
Hi AJ
I don't come on the boards over the weekends, however it sounds like One Space has done some great deeds over the one just gone! It was really uplifting reading your posts.
I think Louise and tiredmum both gave excellent ideas and info for the way forward and it sounds as though some of them are working wonders for you already!
You say that A wasnt too convinced with the idea of a Worry book. We are not really brought up to express our feelings and it might sound like a really odd idea to him!
However if you thought this might be a good idea for him perhaps the next time you are shopping, go to the notebook area and just mention it again and ask if he wants to choose one, he can always say no. Or you could just get one and leave it on the kitchen table and when cooking call over your shoulder 'oh I got you a worry book/diary, if ever you wanted to use it' and carry on with what you are doing. He then has the choice to take it into his room or leave it there until he decides he might like to do it. I have noticed with boys that they are more likely to do/read something if you leave it lying around rather than giving it to them and telling them to do it!
I only mention this again because, as I said earlier, we are not accustomed to writing our feelings down, so first reaction might be 'No' however you have planted a seed and he might be interested after all.
I love the fact that your mum is going to have J on Weds and you and A are going to have some special time. It will get your relationship back on track. When you get the chance do tell him that he has been an absolute rock and that you have been a wreck over the last few years (good chance to discuss ex), but it is now time for him to pass the responsibility back to you now. He sounds like a mature little man, but he needs to see you strong, so that he can pay full attention to being a kid!
AJ I feel that things have shifted for you already, I look forward to hearing how this Wednesday goes.
Hi AJ. So pleased you all had a good day at your Mums yesterday. You're really moving forward, ie, the gym on Wednesdays with your son. That will be great, just the two of you, and also give you a break from your baby.
I've had an ex turn up every now and again, (not C's sperm donor). C has always said he would love me to have a boyfriend, but to be honest, I'm happy as I am. I don't go looking, but if it happened, well, who knows. Like you, I didn't really set boundaries for C. Have to say though he was always a well behaved toddler/child, so I didn't really think about it. I just had routine of bedtime, that sort of thing. Last Sunday I told him that there was NO tv in the mornings, I would ask him to brush his teeth etc, and after ten minutes I would be yelling. Eventually at 8.30 (when the programme had finished) he would casually saunter into the bathroom. I expected a kick off the first morning of no tv, but to my delight, he didn't even mention it, and a week later, he still hasn't!!!! Need to pick myself up off the floor, as I'm still in shock from it, hehe.
Hope your son has had a good day at school, and the same for you and your daughter. Enjoy your evening. Take care. xx
Hey well done Hazeleyes, these children never cease to amaze me! Do you think that when you stated no TV in the mornings, you said it positively and assertively, with no room for discussion?
Hi Anna, I think from the tone of my voice, C knew there was definately no room for discussion hehe.
I am sometimes surprised myself when my daughter listens first time! So much of it is in our voice and our demeanour.
When we are feeling tired, it can be so hard to find that assertive statement, so perhaps sometimes it is worth letting things lie, until we are in a better place and can be authoritative. It probably saves so much time and effort in the long run and we feel better too as we don't end up repeating ourselves and feeling as though our children never listen!
Hi AJ, Gosh you have both been through a lot in a short space of time, 10 is such a difficult age for boys I think, your son will be starting to reach puberty and his hormones will be doing a merry dance, he also has as you say seen/heard some very unplesant things between you and your babys dad. You have just had a baby and are no doubt a tad hormonal yourself along with tired from the late night feeds etc.
I know this might sound strange but I would be more worried if your son hadnt reacted to everything that has gone on over the last 18 months or so, I would also say that although some of his actions seem extreme you will get through this.
You and your son had been together for almost all of his life just the 2 of you, so a little part of him will be punishing you for changing that, he wont realise thats what he is doing but again it is a normal reaction in my opinion.
He is no doubt a little confused by what has happened, ending up at grandmas then settling in to a new home, new sister who you say he is very helpful with, encourage that and heap praise onto him for every little nice thing that he does for you, for his baby sister and at school. The difficult part is ignoring the naughty behaviour as a lot of your sons outbursts will be attention seeking and no he isnt doing it delibrately, in his little mind everything is all upside down and back to front and will take time to all settle and for him to realise that your new babys dad isnt coming back, that is probably a fear that he has, dont know if you have talked to him about that and how he sees things.
Little ones can often see things in such a black and white way and they build up scenarios in their heads of what is going to happen, when the reality is completely different.
Can school give your son a star chart and maybe you have one at home with a reward offered at the end of the week for an agreed number of stars, maybe you could give your son a worry book so that he can write down any worries he has straight away as it can be so difficult whith a new baby when the baby needs feeding/changing and we all say to the older sibling/s just a minute so maybe if he can write things down you can then read them together later and talk about them.
I`ve got 5 children altogether 24 down to 10 on Tues eldest and youngest are boys and 3 girls in the middle, my eldest son had many similar problems to the ones you describe but he did come through them it took a while but we got there he is now happily settled with his partner and little boy so you see there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will both come through this xxx
Oh and just to add, the bickering is perfectly normal and does go on for a good while into their teen years!!!!!!!
Our children go to bed one night they say love you mum/dad and when they get up in the morning the aliens have invaded overnight and you are greeted with yeah whatever, this process used to happen around the age of 13 now it seems to happen around the age of 10/11.
Keep all lines of communication open with your son, maybe set some time aside when he knows its his special time, maybe your mum could babysit the little one for an hour a week?
It is good that he has a good relationship with his dad and that it is consistant and also your son knows that you are happy that its good for him to see his dad.
I do hope that in a few weeks/months things will settle for you all, you will be less tired, baby will be less demanding and your son will relax knowing that this is his family now and he doesnt have to worry.
I hope you have a peaceful night xxx