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Hi K,
I think we will always think about what happened, even when we are busy, there is a moment when it will pop into our heads for no reason, just have to deal with it.
I know that EX wouldnt be able to bring the kids up, he likes to have the freedom to do whatever whenever, and his going out every thursday. Even though he wanted kids he has never been parternal, he was excellant when they were small, but since they have grown and got their own opinions its like he lost interest in them, and they deserve better than that. They told me that on Sundays sometimes unless they talk to him, he doesnt say anything. Yes its nice to have quiet but when you have seen them all week, you would think you would want to talk to them. MID LIFE CRISIS!!!! ;)
EX said the same things havent been right for a time, well why dont you open your gob and say that something feels wrong before you go around dipping your wick somewhere else.
Green and Blacks - Im a Bournville / Galaxy girl. Shared an easter egg with the kids. Not fed up listening to you - at least on here we all know how you are feeling. And its nice to share with people who are going through it now.
Take care
Mx
Hi M
Well thats my spare room converted from my nail bar for when i do clients nails (havent done that since all this crap kicked off, lost my mojo i think and stopped looking for clients!) into a proper spare room with a double bed in it. It was an emotional roller coaster for me doing the swap around today, it was only last year I painted the room and set up my nail business just as "him" started to say he didnt know how he was feeling and then changed his mind back loving me, until he left for good in January.
My brain is hurting from thinking too much. Im in turmoil over his expected return to the country on Monday, he hasnt been in touch since last Thursday when he was nasty about the money i was planning on taking as per our separation agreement. Im beginning to hoping he doesnt turn up but i doubt thats going to happen...Top tip: If you dont really mean what you say DON'T put in writing and sign it what is to become a legal document especially without seeking your own legal advice first no matter what guilt you are feeling at the time!!! my idiot "him" did just that and now he's turned nasty cos i dare to follow it..im damned if i do and im skint if i dont!!
I dont even want him back anymore because he's not the man i loved and adored.He's become a stranger to me, someone i would never fancy or want in my life. My eldest (16) has told me today i have done nothing wrong about the money its just "him" twisiting things again making me doubt myself as usual..i cant bend anymore im heading to breaking point,but yet i still havent cried anymore tears for him the pain i feel now is for the lack of security i feel even though i deliberatly got a nuptial agreement set up when it all kicked off...im so cross with myself for allowing him to play these mind games on me i need to start believing in myself a lot more.I still think all these feelings are related to my hormones and that approaching time of the month.
Im back to being off my food again but i bought some chicken supreme and uncle ben's rice today as a wee treat to make me eat something i enjoy and an eves pudding..ive fed my boys so now its my turn.. i usually eat galaxy chocolate as well,better than cadbury's but the bars of Green and Blacks butter scotch were a birthday present in February from my lovely boys and its the first time ive fancied a wee bit of them.
You might not be fed up listening to me but im fed up being me!! its true though im better with others problems than my own, i guess thats why i love my voluntary work cos i can focus on helping them for a little while. Ok so i hope your all set to go to your mums with the kids. You'll be fine on your 3hr drive just take it at your pace and ignore the idiots on the road. We dont go away until the 12th but stay in touch and let me know how your getting on with your old school friends.
Take Care Kx
Hi K,
Nail technician is want I need now, my nails have grown lovely over the last few weeks, just unloaded the washer and cracked 2 in half, angry as I had just painted them as well - scarlet red. Thats my new thing to help me feel better, have nice painted nails.
At least you managed to get something sorted over money, EX didnt want to know until this week. As I am typing this he is just standing in the room not talking to the kids but watching TV, talk for f sake you aint going to see them for a week. Why do I think about him and his feelings when the kids are involved, I have got to start being hard with him, not be so nice where he is involved. Dont just stand not saying nothing. AAARRRRGGGHHHH. Right hes gone, shame it cant be forever.
L has been wierd today, she was sat on the sofa upset, asked her what was wrong - she is worried her dad is spending time with the Bint and her kids and not with her - what do you say, keep reasurring her. She finished school for the holidays now.
I know what you mean about food, I either dont want to eat or am straving then eat and feel sick, would be nice for a happy medium.
I think we are all better at solving other peoples problems as we can deal with it and put it to the back of our minds, but with ours they are always on our minds. Having a Johny Depp feast and wondering what a corset would do for me LOL.
Hoping the weather is ok for the journey tomorrow, looking forward to meeting up with old friends. Just got to pack and make sure I dont forget the chargers, which I normally do. A few days away will do us some good.
Will keep in touch.
Take Care
Mx
Hi M
just a wee short 1 cos i know your on your way to see your mother!! Remember in 1 ear and out the other! ;o)
Johny Depp and corsets...you been on the Easter Gin already? lol
Get on www.cmoptions.org use their calculator and work out the money he's meant to be giving you. I called Child Maintenance Options today and they really set my mind at rest. Although the woman said and how are you coping and that was me just burst into tears!! was sooo annoyed and upset at myself cos i havent cried since last Thursday,wanted to but stopped myself. Imagine a strangers sympathetic words kicking off my water works....gggrroooaaannn!!
I cant believe your Ex stands and says nothing,charge him standing rates. What a tube. No wonder L is upset i didn't realise the bint had her own kids!! what is that about why leave your partner and own kids for someone elses ready made family!! these men need a lobotomy and chemically castrating...i want a bit of that grass they all seem to be clamouring for,it must be an amazing colour of green....tossers!!
You need to get some Silk Wrap for your nails so that when you get a little crack you can save the length for a little longer.Its like a fabric sticky tape that you use with nail glue to strengthen the nail, buff it down smooth and then you paint your red varnish over the top,bingo sorted. ;o)
right im off to call the hospital to see if my son's ready to come home after his wee op this morning! ah bless him he's a brave we soldier right enough lol.
Happy Easter everyone...ps other people are very welcome to drop M and i a note on this thread we seem to monopolize this thread with our moans and groans lol...although i bet you get a good laugh at us!
Take Care Kx
Hi K,
5 hours in the car yawn, aching all over, bless the kids they were brilliant only had a couple of whinings, they were to busy waving at other drivers.
Dont drink Gin, Vodka maybe, no we had a conversation about corsets on our night out, and watching Johny Depp last night just reminded me. Would love to see how much cleavage I could get!!
CM options will check it out when I get home. Wonder how much I can charge for standing?? haha, Bint has 3 kids, 2 special needs, which he wont be able to cope with, could only just cope with ours unless they were on full stropp. Anyway my energy is going on useful stuff instead now.
Thanks for the nail tip, but this one broke off diagonally, so had to cut it down.
We do seem to have monopolized this thread, but at least we get out all the fustrations. Hope it does provide others with a laugh, I've learnt to laugh at myself more these last few weeks.
Hope you all enjoy the easter weekend and the weather isnt as bad as forecast.
Take care Mx
Hello Eeyore73 and surplus
I think you are doing a brilliant job of supporting each other....and many other people. We get loads of members on these boards who read but don't post and reading about how the two of you are doing is very helpful for them..it is all very well reading books and articles about "your feelings when splitting up" but this is real life!!! I don't think anyone will be laughing, apart from at your witticisms, but they will be learning from you.
Have a relaxing weekend, both
Hi Louise,
It is nice to support someone who is going through the same thing as yourself. Hope that mine and surpluses rants are helping all out there.
Your site has been a brilliant find, with loads of advice from members, who have gone through or going through the same thing.
Hope you have a good weekend to.
Mx
Hi K,
Where can I get the silk wrap another nail gone today and this was going to be me new thing, at this rate my nails will have gone the same way as the relationship.
Had a good day, kids have managed to let off steam by jumping all over their 21 year old cousin. Off for a shopping day at the Trafford Centre tomorrow. Being 200 miles away I havent given EX or Bint a second thought, just hope hes remembered to feed the rabbit. Havent have the I told you sos or it your fault yet, still geared up for it.
Hope your weekend goes well, remember that you are now a much stronger person when he gets back. Will be here if you need me.
Mx
Hi M
stop cheating your on holiday and still posting on here lol. I havent sat at my laptop all day..Friday night and what did i do?? i stood and did ironing, :o( what is that all about!! lol.
Well i txt you with my drama of the day but will share it with everyone on here who reads the posts....The "him" is due home on Monday and the boys said they would like their dad to stay in our spare room rather than a hotel this time!!! so to please my children and totally disregarding my own feelings i have only went and offered him the spare room for the month that he's home...He thanked me a lot and said we will all talk about it on Monday when he arrives!!! GGggRRrrOOooAAaaNNnn what the hell was i thinking i am not sure im strong enough yet to have him living in the same house as me when i have so much resentment for him..I trust myself not to jump on him cos i really didnt fancy him I can see how UGLY he has become under that pleasant looking face. All i can say is make sure your mobile is fully charged im going to be in need of instant 1 to 1 counselling LOL. The only thing im clinging on to is that he didnt jump right in and say great yes i'll stay! so hopefully he has some scruples and will decline the offer then i can be guilt (i offered to please my boys) and stress (straight jacket for K please) free..Of course i'll keep you posted.
Had a lovely long lie this morning then just couldnt get things done as quickly as i wanted lol I want to have at least 1 day this Easter where i do nothing but stay in bed or veg around the house in my jammies.
Im going out tomorrow looking for a pair of super sexy shoes for my casino night out next Frdiay,the killer stilettos i bought are no good for dancing the night away...they need to be high though cos "him" hates high heels thinks they look ridiculous but i love them they make my legs look fab! ;o) even if i do say so myself,well no one else tells me nice things these days.
Play.com has the voodoo doll im after it says EX HUSBAND and comes with pins not in stock till mid april but when im back from Haven i'll be placing my order..by then i'll have worked out some voodoo spell to make him suffer some lovely ailment for his time in the country.
Im in need of a man!! i have become a born again virgin in fact the local nunnery gets more action than ive had in months..but..then i have to think of contraception omg nightmare. I cant take the pill it makes me ill with migraines "him" had the snip 10 years ago so we never had to worry about anything..heres me talking about bumping uglies and last week when i was out i found it hard to see any man i would kiss never mind doing anything else with!! lol typical me running before i can walk again.
Anyway hope your still on speaking terms with your mother its been 24hrs now lol. when do you travel back down the road?
Take Care Kx
M
oh i'll need you thats for sure.lol
Silk wrap, ask in a nail salon at the Trafford centre they should sell you some.Sally salon services or Capital are for trade but will sell to the public it's just more expensive..or if your stuck let me know and i'll send you some in the post.
watch you dont come back and the bint has boiled your bunny...lol sorry thats sick but couldnt help it, wouldnt put anything past these bunny boiling tarts who steal married men.
Happy shopping tomorow
Kx
Hi Louise
Hopefully other readers are getting something out of mine and M's situations..I agree that an article cant show the realisation, compassion or understanding that you need to get through your pain when you have split from your partner, nothing compares to reading about someone elses real life pain and dilemma and if the odd witticisms added in for good measure lightens the mood and makes someone laugh then im pleased about that. I know when im having a day sheer torture, of which there are still many, i can come in here and pour it all out to M and everyone else and not be judged or feel too guilty (even though i still do lol) for off loading..Ive cried a river writing some of the posts i put on the thread but then i get a wee funny comment or support from someone,usually my new friend M, and it helps me to be more focused and determined to get through this poop stage and back to having a life i deserve for me and my boys.
Have a great Easter Kx
Hi K,
Its not cheating, laptop here and facebook are my lifelines, especially as everybody here wants to be in bed early as they have to start work early. I have a huge ironing pile to tackle when I get back. Going to have a major blitz of the house, throw out all the crap thats been sitting around for ages, and put the paint that has been sitting around since we moved in to good use. Hoping that the house will be in order, my life will get back to being in order fingers crossed.
Tell EX if he stays its on your terms, if you start to feel uncomfy with things then he must go to a hotel, at the end of the day he should be making the situation easy for the boys - they are the priority and come first - how many times have I said that in the last 7 weeks. Will get the spare room sorted just in case you feel like a dash away LOL.
High heels - havent worn a proper pair for a long time, EX was same height so I didnt wear them. Did buy a sexy pair in Tesco a year ago when my neighbour (D) dragged me to a Burlesque class - it was fun - she said everyone is sexy yeah haha not me.
Know what you mean about born again virgin. I now have respect for any nun - how and why would you not want sex. I havent missed it up till know - but I think Im becoming a man because it is constantly on my mind, well most of the day anyway.
Horrible dream last night - EX died on the way over to get the kids. Mmmm my dreams have been coming true lately, shame its wasnt lottery win. Oh well shopping day.
Take Care
Mx
Hi there girls, I have been catching up with the posts and this thread seems to have taken a life of its own, I just haven't had a chance to read it all, but am so glad you have found each other and can share joys and trials of your new lives!
surplus to requirements-Tricky situation having man in the house so soon. Please be careful and really consider whether it is what you want? Perhaps he could stay half the week in hotel and half the week at yours. Oh and get a new duvet cover so that your bed feels like 'only yours' and he sees it that way too.
Eeyore73 glad you managed the time with your mum and she didn't tell you she told you so.
I wish you both a Happy Easter, time for new beginnings, goodbye to the past, spring is here, find the spring chicken in you!
Hi Anna
LOL yes M and i have kind of turned this thread on its head. Its mainly just a "get it off your chest" thread these days lol but boy does it help just to have someone to vent to.
You will be pleased to read that i woke up in so much turmoil,fed the cat, txt M (needing a friendly shoulder) and then decided I just cant have him staying under my roof..Tried to call him but couldnt get through so sent him a txt saying I had been too hasty when i invited him to stay and i only did it for the boys,i had been prepared to forgo my own feelings and emotions for the sake of theirs, but i cant do it im not ready for that challenge. Havent heard anything back yet! My main problem is by law he can stay here if he wants to as he and i are both on the mortgage deeds and he pays all the mortgage every month!! but im hoping that he has enough respect left for me to just stay somewhere else and visit the boys while they are off school & college.
LOL plenty of spring chicken in me yet,im only 38 so hopefully someone will want me again soon :0( . Happy Easter to you Anna
Kx
Hi M
He emailed me he's in Dubai a day early for a meeting before he heads back to glasgow (i keep typing "home" and then having to delete it cos this is no longer his home as far as im concerned!) so never even got the txt i sent him!!! Thank god for Black Berrys I copied the txt message and emailed it to him instead...still heard nothing but then i dont suppose he will reply. He has the cheek to tell me in his email to Take Care and put a x beside his initial,he hasnt done that since this shit hit the fan when he was safe at work but now he's heading back to real life he's putting back on the Mr Nice guy routine...more mind games,actually thinking about it now he said take care and gave me a x before he knew i had withdrawn the offer of the spare room so probably wouldnt have got it had he have known the room is no longer his for the taking!!!
How did your shopping go? what did you get? I went shopping on my own!! Best Friend D wasnt feeling too good and my sister didnt want to go to the shopping centre cause it would be too busy. I did get killer heels for Casino night out of Next so didnt break the bank of "him" even though i was tempted lol. Then did a food shop boring boring boring!! Got really down this afternoon wondering if anyone will ever want me again. How come we doubt ourselves but our EX's seem to think they are gods gift to women?? I wish you lived close to me, think of the trouble we could be causing and getting up to lol. I might just need to take you up on your hospitality and use of your spare room cos not sure if i'll last 27 days of him being in the country lol. Is there a train from Glasgow to Devon?,its too far for me to drive lol.
Im also planning on digging the paint pots out the garage and getting the boys rooms done over these Easter holidays anything to keep busy while him's about.
Whats your plans for tonight then? Im going to collect some chinese food for me and the boys then im going to watch some tv and hope my numbers come up on the lottery lol. Im counting down to Casino night, thank god i have that to fill my thoughts between the thoughts of dread and him's arrival, i think he's expecting me to collect him at the airport he keeps reminding me he's home Monday! well he can whistle cos im not collecting him. Ive got a headache again,me and stress just dont like each other very much!!
Right off to the chinese Salt and Chilli ribs are calling me ;o)
Kxox
Hi K,
Shopping was uneventful apart for the sister in law, had a nice lunch, got a new lippy, kids spent some of their money, but nothing got me wanting to buy. Glad you got some killer heels for your casino trip, wish I was able to come with you.
I invited the EX to stay on the Thursday after he told me on the Monday, he was going and I said he could stay in Js room if he wanted, half of me just wanted him there, the other half was wishing he would just go away forever. He himself declined the offer, I think after what had happened he felt awkward about being the house overnight. I know its is different for you as you havent seem him for a while, but remember that he has put you through hell these last few weeks, so if he does stay remember that it has to be on your terms, and if you feel uncomfortable with things he must go and stay in a hotel. The kids are your main responsiblity and they must come first, so if you are going to feel bad about him being there then he must go. Train to Devon, if not plane to Exeter.
No plans for tonight, just going to slob in front of the tv and watch rubbish saturday night tv. Need someone to take me out for a drink, should of gone and got a bottle of wine to get me through the evening. Off to see an old school friend tomorrow, which will be good, not seen her since her wedding 13 years ago.
I have got rid of my headaches since I put 200 miles between us, really havent given him a second though apart from that he hadnt contacted the kids since thursday - has now one text. Just miss not having someone here with me, kids are being brilliant for a change.
Wonder what the dreams will bring tonight??
Take care
Mx
Hi M
Im sick to death of him being on my mine most of the day when im clearly not on his. Your right the sh*t i have taken not to mention the tears i have shed proves he's not worthy of my hospitality im glad i withdrew my offer,cheeky git hasnt emailed or txt back saying he understands my position..but what do i expect from the git!!
what the hell has jenni falconer done to herself?...sorry im watching the lottery and caught a glimps of her..her hairs awful and she's lost too much weight, makes her mouth look really big and full of teeth!!
anyway...A new lipstick is a start now all you need is an outfit to go with it and some killer heels..oh im desperate to tell you to just jump on the train or fly to glasgow and come on the casino night with me and the girls,we're all just new friends as well so it wouldnt be uncomfortable for you! if you can do it and you want to then the offer is there and i've even got that spare room ready and waiting lol...genuine offer you'ld be very welcome.
Wish i hadnt had that chinese it hasnt helped my headache at all and now i feel icky!! defo bed early. I have awful dreams but there all about us either being still in love and happy or its us breaking up..i havent dreamt he's died yet but im sure they will come. Keep me up to date with your nightly dreams they might have a pattern lol i'll be your alibi dont worry lol.
nope cant sit here anymore im off to have some tummy settlers and head to bed...bloody stress,i think i need to go to stress management classes!!!
nite nite Kx
Hi girls!
surplus to requirements - good for you for telling him you didn't want him to stay, I think that is really strong and bold of you. I wonder how he has taken it. I do hope he plans to be respectful and keep his distance, he may think that since you have forgiven him before, you might do again and let him get away with anything. But I am thinking you are finding more inner strength everyday.
Killer heels sound deadly! You are definitely not too old to meet anyone in October last year a 94 year old married his 87 year old bride, so plenty of time!
Eeyore73 - I know that you are missing someone in the house, but please believe me, the more time you spend on your own and finding out what makes you happy inside, you try new activities, different types of books to read, redecorate, you do soon find that there is no room for another person! Everyone needs hugs, especially adult touch, when me and the girls get together we have a pamper night and take it in turns to treat each other.
There is life after what you have both been through and it is called Your Life and you can now take control of it 100% :)
Hi Anna,
I have a list of all the things we planned to do in the house over the next year or so, so I will be tackling the list on my own. Have asked the EX to help finish the hall flooring, which I couldnt do on my own, reply was WHY??? Doh when we sell the house it will still need doing.
My neighbour D has given me plenty of hugs and so have the kids, but its just not having that other hug from a man. I know that I will get used to it, but I used to love cuddling on the sofa when we were watching TV.
Anyway I am now in control of my destiny and look forward to doing what I want when I want.
Hi K,
Why are we still thinking about them, EX pops into my mind so many times, I do something and think I must tell him, or if its to do with the kids then I automatically think I should phone or text him. I am a bit fed up have checked L's phone and he hasnt phoned since Thursday, if he couldnt get through he could have phoned or texted me. Why am I thinking of him looking bad with the kids, he obivously cant be bothered at the moment.
Glad you got your killer heels, I would love to be at the casino night with you, but I cant this time. Hopefully will be able to arrange my own soon. Just need to get my confidence back a bit, EX had knocked it out of me, need to think how I did before we meet. I know lots of people are happy on their own, but I dont think I can be one of them.
Hope all has gone well, going well.
Take care
Mx
Hi Eeyore73 I think it is completely normal to still think regularly about an ex. They have been a massive part of your life and even though you may have been hurt and had your whole life turned upside down, it is an automatic reflex.
You say that you worry about the childrens dad looking bad to the children, I think you actually just want a good dad for your children, but have reversed the psychology (very presumptuous of me I know!).
You can and will be happy on your own Eeyore73, give yourself some time, as you say you have had the confidence knocked out of you, give yourself a break.
Do you like reading? If so, I have a fab book for you to read, we have talked about it before on these boards, its called 'Are you the one for me?' by Barbara DeAngelis. Both you and surplus to requirements are in the ideal position to read it before any future relationships, it really makes you look at yourself as well as others.
I also believe from personal experience that only until you find happiness on your own, you can't truly be yourself and happy in a relationship. You mustn't expect someone else to provide your own happiness. It is out there Eeyore73 just waiting for you to look around the corner and start searching.
Hi Anna,
I know that I will still think of him, as he was a huge part of my life, but I think its amazing how they seem to be able to close that part of their life off and not seem to give us a second thought.
I do want a good dad for the kids, and I dont want him to keep promising them stuff and it not happen. I am trying to be positive but he want talk to them about things at the moment, the box is shut and he wont open it.
I know I can be happy on my own, but its moments like now, when the kids are out of the house and theres noone here to talk to or cuddle up on the sofa with. My confidence is growing each day slowly.
Love reading will have to look in the library for the book.
M
Hi K,
Hope things are going ok. After hearing of EXs antics yesterday I am really seeing him in a new light, the man detests the thought of having a tattoo, so why is he going into a tattoo parlour? At least I wont have to look at the hideous thing if hes had one done. Screaming midlife crisis.
Went shopping with neighbour today, but still didn't buy anything for me. Seem to have lost the girlie instinct off shopping, either that or I just chant be bothered. Right off to paint my nails as this is my new thing.
Take care
Mx
So Eeyore73 I have a question, when you and your ex were together, if the children were away/out of the house, is that what you used to do?? Talk and cuddle up on the sofa?
Lucky you! I was wondering whether you may be idealising your relationship?
Whats this about tattoos??
Hi Anna,
Wasnt always when the kids were out of the house, when we sat watching the tv we would cuddle up on the sofa. Talking stupidly enough only seemed to happen when we went to bed. We werent cant keep our hands off each other, but we did like to cosy up on the sofa.
I dont think I am idealising the relationship, we had made plans for our old age together, even talked about what we would do once the kids had left home. I know that people say things must be wrong in a relationship for it to fail, but I can honestly say we never did argue only the odd occassional tiff, but nothing major. We were happy and this did come out of the blue especially to me.
My neighbour saw him and the bint going into the tattoo parlour in town, he hates the idea, he said he would only ever have his kids names tattooed if ever!! I dont know if he has had one done or taking the bint for one - but when he was me it was very much a no go area. May be he was living a lie with me.
M
M
Too much of a roller coaster going on in my life since he's landed back in the country. You know im not coping cos of the txts we've been sharing. Im back to my rawest state ever. The stuffing has once again been knocked out of me and i just dont know which way to turn. He has been to look over his bachelor pad which will now become his official base when he's in the country. I cant face the fact that my children will probably come into contact with his latest girlfriend sooner rather than later.His new life is one i am no longer part of. When i see him i dont even fancy him i just feel disgust as to the way he has treated me. I went to his hotel room yesterday and seeing the state he was in totally broke my heart, the condition he was in shocked me and i felt great guilt for playing a part in that but today he is a totally different person and it must be the fact he has his flat to move into that has given him his self belief back. My sister was great i called her for a boot up the arse and by god did she give me it. She would love to come round and have it out with him but knows it will achieve nothing. I dont even know what im hanging on for cos i wouldnt have him back now even if he was to come begging. He's happy now he free to move on with his dream life.
Im fed up trying to be positive and up beat, no man wants me and the way i feel they never will again. Like you i dont want to be alone and no i dont like being by myself i have done it most of my married life and ive always hated it. I want someone who comes home to me every night and i see them every day,not to live in each others pockets but to have a normal relationship..if i had the guts and i wasnt living the fantasy life i craved i should have left along time ago cos i never wanted the marriage i had where he was away all the time.
i am down today and hating every hour of it. I thought him being home might have helped ease the hostility between us but the rift he caused with his abusive calls from work have dug in too deep and my wounds are too raw to be eased with a little savlon and a plaster.
Kx
K,
Right I was doing ok, putting 200 miles between us was great never gave him a second thought until he phoned me to talk to L. Driving home I was aprehensive as L said he was calling in. Luckily he didnt, so has been calling in the last 3 days, so I have had knots in my stomach around the time he should arrive. Well finally arrived tonight, I was out in the courtyard with the kids playing ball, he pulls up in the drive talks to L, ignores J and me. I was sorting one of the kids out, he starts talking to a neighbour, saying that he obviously wasnt worth talking to, she told him that he never speaks to me, so if he wants me to talk then maybe he should start the conversation.
He has been dragging his feet regarding sorting out finances etc, until last week, he walked in and said he'd made an appointment regarding the mortgage for next week. Wow punch 1. Didn't falter then I asked him if he had done anything about the parental responsibility said he hadnt even looked at it. Little falter, did throw in DO YOU WANT TO BE THEIR FATHER. I asked him about the kids next week, told him that when he comes in Monday he can sort out the stuff that needs to be done from here, also asked if he was going to take the rest of his clothes, asked me why!!!!!!! So major falter - "well you moved on with your life, and I cant move on because all your stuff is still here". Walked out of the house and burst into floods of tears. I thought I had got stronger over these past few weeks but obviously not. So I now feel like I am back to square one with my feelings. I know it was all over from day one, but this is now final final. I have been wanting to get things sorted for a time, so I can move on. I really have to try to stop crying every time I speak to him, but it is so hard.
Tomorrow is another day, one step at a time. Hopefully when the finances and everything else is sorted I can finally start living again.
Take care
Mx
Hi M
This is a quick one cos my dick head is on his way round from ikea kitting out his new bachelor pad...
honey you cry and get it out cos 1 day we will be the ones laughing at their misery!! and i swear to that cos from now on we are single and looking
Hi K,
Hope all is ok, and he leaves you sooner today. Shame for them, when they dont want us, but we are not allowed to have friends who keep in contact, so what if our mobiles are attached to our hands they are not in control of us any more we have new and old friends who want to support us through this time jealous or what.
Had a few drinks with neighbour Grand Espree is great!! Must now plan another night out.
Hope all goes easier tonight.
Mx
Hi to both of you
You are both doing so well. Please keep reminding yourselves of that. You are keeping things going for the children and that seems to be your number 1 priority and it is working, even though you may be screaming/crying inside, you are creating as much normality as poss for your children.
You are both being stretched to limits, all your hopes and dreams have been shattered and it is soo painful right now, you are still concerned about the ex, not only will he play his part in the childrens lives, but also will he look after himself (you have previously spent many years looking after him I imagine, so again this feeling doesn't disappear over night), will he continue to be the dad you thought he was etc etc, then you have your own heartache and pain to deal with and on top of all that financial issues too. Whilst he seems to be able to swan around and arrange his new life.
Like I said it is hard, we are left holding the baby, but please trust me, it does get easier and you are getting stronger, every day, it might not feel like it, but there is an amazing woman taking over right now and getting on with life, while you look after yourselves.
We are not little women, this is the 21st century, its hard, but we can and will cope on our own and any new partner in our life will be someone who compliments our lives rather than adds to the difficulties of it!
Hi All,
I have had a really confusing 24 hours. We shared an allotment with our neighbours and they have decided that as it just me, they cant commit to doing it on their own, so they have handed back to the council. L texted EX to say what had happened and he texted back saying thats the way his life is at the moment, things happening to late. He arrive unannounced this morning and I questioned him about the text and he just said that things are not going the way he thought?! I said it was his decision to leave and make things work with the Bint so it was his fault in things werent going the way he wanted. He said I know Ive made my bed so I have to lie in it, his body language as well was telling me that he wasnt happy. My intution has been spot on lately.
He didnt want to say anything else, but since we got back from Cheshire he has been round several times, for no reason, I am now very confused. My heart is saying if he wants to come back let him but my head is going do I want to let him come back and then go through all this again at some point. I really dont want the kids to think that he can walk back in and it all be happy families again, because I dont think that it could be.
So I am now confused my feelings towards him, am I miss reading things or just hoping that things are going wrong for him.
M
HI,
I'm not you and I don't know the full ins and outs of everything and I haven't read all the above back and to chat that has been going on..
BUT! I do have an opinion and I'm going to share it...
What ever.. don't let him just walk back in as if nothings happened... and if that's where it goes don't spend the foreseeable future bringing it all back up. Stop and start again and set boundaries and have rules that he must abide by and be firm and don't let him walk all over you and dictate everything on his terms. He's the one going through some sort of pre, post, what ever mid life melt down and making all these decisions that have massive fall out to the people around him.
If he is having second thoughts, wow what a luxury to be able to say oh sorry, my bad, can we all go back to normal now.
Men can be such idiots.. and women too, so maybe I should have said people can be such idiots. But still, here is a thing, it's just as easy to live on your own as it is to live as a couple it probably takes time to adapt from one to the other but it is doable, I know this from personal experience. So don't make hasty decisions on important things based on assumptions based on comfortable things that used to be.
If none of that makes sense it is because I have been drinking wine, I generally do of a weekend, Saturdays and Sundays I sometimes wake up and think.. Oh God what did I post last night.
Sorry if I have gotten the wrong end of any sticks.
Good luck.
P.S. It's perfectly normal to sit about going over and over situations and coming to conclusions and wondering. What I do is think yeah ok.. maybe, maybe not, lets see, because there is no point in worrying about stuff because what ever happens happens and worrying about it just makes that period beforehand stressful, something is going to happen. So just do what you think is best.. and there you go..
P.P.S. I know I'm probably talking crap and it's because I've probably read one too many books on Zen.
P.P.P.S. that and the wine.
Well, all I have been drinking is a cup of tea and I have to say that I endorse Bubblegum's comments.
You have to think very carefully about whether it is possible to build trust or whether what has happened makes that impossible. And any reunion should be on your terms. But please don't just run back to your relationship because it has been so scary on your own. You have done the worst bit already...and if you go back then you may have the worst bit to do all over again.
Hi Bubblegum,
Thanks for your views, I was just confused yesterday after the text and how he was when he was here.
I dont even know if I do want him back in the house, I know I cant stop him from being in my life for the kids sake. If he did come back things would have to change completely, I spent 14 years of our relationship being the doting partner who did everything, cook, clean, look after the kids and only going out when he wanted to, sort out finances and work. But since we moved 3 years ago I made some friends and started to get a bit of independance, doing what i wanted to do and go out when I wanted - this is what he didnt like, but hey I put up with it from him, going out 1-2 times a week, coming back totally pissed.
I believe in Karma - it may just be me, I hadn't seen him for 10 days and when he came in I had a load of mixed feelings come flooding in, so I could just be misreading things totally. It will all be sorted out one way or another, so I will just keep ploughing on as normal.
Hope you had a good evening Bubblegum sounds like the wine was flowing nicely. Just gives me a raging headache the following day - must be getting old.LOL
M
Hi Eeyore73
Oh god the pain, I think you are right...when we see our ex after a bit of time, although we think we are in one place, a whole load of different emotions flood back in and we feel as though we are back at square one again.
You are doing so well, it is interesting reading your posts because there have been times that you have yearning for him (absense makes the heart grow fonder!), however, a day after seeing him, you are remembering all the difficult times that made you unhappy.
Bubblegum is right though, if you do consider giving it another chance, you have to be doubly strong in laying ground rules and sticking to them. I run a programme for women who have survived living with a bully and it has often been said that the bully has answered the question of why he does it, is because 'he can'. In other words, he has got away with it.
I am sure your ex is finding life tough, he chose a new life and it can be challenging to deal with loads of change. When as he sees you and your home and the children and he probably sees normality and comfort and may wish to be back in his nest.
A friend of mine had a great idea the other day, find a picture of a really happy you from before you met your ex and keep it in your purse. It will remind you of a time when the world was your oyster and the opportunites ahead seemed limitless, then strive to find that person again. I think it is a great exercise!
Hi All,
Thanks for the advice, part of me is going why the hell am I even considering taking him back, the other part of me is going do I give it another go. Anyway he arrived early this morning, he wanted to wash his works van!! Seems to find excuses to turn up lately. Anyway my neighbour D saw an opportunity to talk to him, apparently things arent going smoothly in his life (what a pity). He went and stayed with the Bint over the easter weekend and apparently she freaked out with having him there - or maybe she has realised that he is not as much fun as she was expecting. So he is now confused. D told him to think long and hard about what it is he wants, as cant just go from one situtation to another without dealing with what is/has gone on. He said that he had been hasty, and doesnt know what to think at the moment - well that makes two of us.
We had a chat and said he could talk to me, as he didnt seem happy which is all I wanted for us. Hard to say much when the house is constantly kids. They gone out for the afternoon now. So I can do is wait and see.
I know that if he did want to come home then there would have to be loads of changes, would the relationship last if these changes happened who knows. Need to get busy so I dont dwell on things.
Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine.
M
Evening now he brought the kids home and stayed for a cup of tea and nearly an hour. Neighbour E caught me earlier and virtually said that the Bint now didnt want to be in a relationship. D has just pop round and said that when she spoke to him 6 weeks ago he brought up something that had happened 5 years ago. We had been to friends and were very drunk, went and sat on a bed with my friend and her sister and partner and he thinks something went on - has he just been holding onto this as his excuse for doing what he has, but if really thinks something went on why the hell has he stayed for 5 years. Mega confusion reigns in my house this evening.
Hi Eeyore. D and E might be very good friends of yours, but I really think you need to speak to your ex before you decide on anything. You have so much to think about and it must be very hard for you right now. If the Bint doesn't want to be in a relationship, is that the reason for the ex turning up so much lately? Ask your ex exactly what is going on, and get it from him rather than others. It must be totally confusing for you and I really feel for you.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi Alison,
I am not making decision based on what D&E say. I know that I would have to talk to EX before anything was decided either way. I do think that the reason he has turned up more is because Bint has cooled off. When I spoke to her on the day it all kicked off, she was I cant wait to have him living with me and have a relationship - this is coming from a woman who is out every weekend doing what she wants, with no ties - dont know where her children are.
I know there are going to be rough times and he may call in just for the comfort of what was, but it is really confusing. I said to him that he didnt seem happy and that he could talk to me if he wanted, but I have left it in his court. He is very much I made that decision so I have to stick with it - even though I have told him that being unhappy is no reason to stick with something.
Anyway he has 3 days with our kids - if he wants to talk with me he can, but I will leave it with him for the moment, dont want him to think I am trying to make trouble. I am not going to judge what he has done, but I also dont think that if things havent/arent working out with the Bint he should not try to keep it going - as resentment is an awful feeling.
Confused myself again.
M
Just wanted to say that I noticed that you say 'I don't want him to think I want to make trouble' ...on that point, I want you to think purely for yourself, if you make trouble because that is what you need to do, then so be it. It sounds as though, he is feeling a bit sorry for himself and wondering whether he screwed up big time. However this shouldn't change where you are at. He cheated on you, left you and the children and walked away. Now she doesn't want him full time he has come round to you with head hanging and feeling a bit rubbish. Don't make it any easier for him...!
I know that this is all easier said than done as there are lots of feelings, emotions, history and children between the two of you, I just want you to stand firm on this soil and speak your truth. Not what he needs/wants to hear, you are not responsible for him now. He did make his bed and he does have to lie in it. If he wants to get back with you he needs to approach you, apologise, talk to you on a respectful level and ask you to consider more conversations. Not behave like a little boy lost waiting for you to save him. (If that is what he is doing??)
I hope I don't sound bossy here?? :) Everything that you do must come from you Eeyore 73, what you want. Don't try and read into anything he says, hear what he actually says and how it sits with you. Oh god i have started again.
Take care of you, what are you going to do the next couple of days?
Hi Anna,
I dont know if I actually meant trouble, interfer maybe. I had got my head round to being a single mum, with 2 kids, could finally see a path into my future, on my own. So why the hell is this affecting me in the way it is. I knew as soon as he arrived Sat morning that something with wrong and he wasnt happy. I have given him plenty of time now to talk to me. I really dont want to push him into anything. He has had the kids today, I said he could stay for tea, he was sat looking so unhappy, I really just wanted to give him a big hug and say that whatever things would be good. I know Im not responsible for him no more - so whatever I should be harsh and not care - the way he has not cared about me, but I just cant turn my feelings off like he has.
I just want to go and bury my head in the sand, and forget everything.
M
Wish I could have written that :)
Eeyore73
Your head must be all over the place at the moment....but the cards are all in your hands. I endorse what Anna has written. Don't rush into anything. Give yourself lots of time. You're right; you can't just turn your feelings off, and that's the very reason you need to work things through in a calm and measured way.
One thing I have seen many times is where a man has troubles in his new relationship and expects his ex-partner to be like a Mum to him, so he can go and get some sympathy. Just be careful there isn't any of that going on.
We are always here for you to offload and talk about how you feel
Hi All,
Thanks for all your comments - I am not rushing into to anything. I have offered for him to talk to me, so far decline. Hes talked to the neighbours - does he not realise that they will tell me stuff, or is it his way of trying to gague the situation. I have all different stuff going on in my head at the moment feels like it is going to explode. Have had a few dark thoughts as well which I really do not like.
I knew the path forward would be littered with obstacles, but for this one to come up now, has just knocked me over. People are telling me to toughen up and just think about me and the kids, but when you have loved and cared for someone for 17 years, without any major quarrels its so hard just to dismiss them from your feelings. I really hate seeing people upset and unhappy I just want to hug them and let them tell me everything. I know if this was 6 months down the line my feelings would be totally different towards him.
Even the kids noticed something has been wrong, but as usually its bottled away. He was texting me last night as if nothing had happened - I am driving myself crazy now. Trying to work but my mind keeps wandering.
I know I have to work things out, but whilst he is still stalling with sorting finances/bills out I am in limbo. Its taken 8 weeks for me to be able to talk to him without bursting into tears and I dont want to push things and we end up back to not talking.
I wish I could close a door go to sleep and wake up when everything is sorted, and hes either with or without the Bint.
Happiness is all I want, and there isnt any around at the moment.
M
You will find happiness one day :) Of course the children are picking up on things, they are obviously as confused as you are (in their own way).
Of course your ex knows that the neighbours will talk to you. One of my ex's, (an abusive one) used to tell my family stuff, they would tell me, and he would deny it!!!! I'm not saying that your ex would deny anything that he's said, but he needs to speak to you and only you. That way, nothing is twisted, nothing is misunderstand, and nothing can come back and bite you on the bum!!! He knows that he can talk to you, I think you've given him every opportunity, so why isn't he?
Hope you have a good day, or try too anyway
Take care
Alison
x
I am not surprised you feel you would like to go to sleep until it is sorted, one way or the other, Eeyore73. It must just feel so confusing for you at the moment.
I agree he is talking to the neighbours so they will tell you...but unless he talks to YOU then it doesn't really mean anything.
Take good care of you, and try to stay calm in front of the children. It will help when the Easter hols are over and you have some time to yourself
Loads of hugs Eeoyore - and strength too.
I know it's a horrid time. You and the children do need to come first.
When I first left The Git I was thinking that 14 years of my 20 year marriage were good. However, when my mind cleared I actually think that two years were good. He got bored with me then.
There are so many difficult choices to make, and it's not always the easy choices that are the right ones.
I hope the sun is shining for you and that you and the children are enjoying the hols.
Hi All,
Thanks again. Sun is shining, but a bitter wind with it. Kids are on days out with their Dad, till tomorrow then to Grandmas for the remainder of the hols. Time to myself when they get back would be lovely, but I work whilst they are at school, and normally it is choas when we get home, clubs, homework etc. I dont even use the Sundays he has the kids for me time, if its not housework, I am probably off with the neighbours and her 2 if husband is working. I hate being on my own - used to having a house full. But I know its one of the things I will have to get used to.
I just want the fog to clear a little would be good. For him to pull his finger out and sort stuff out. As he never wanted to marry me the one thing I asked him to do the second week after he left was to get some advice regarding Parental Responsibility - I printed out the forms etc asked him to go through and sign. He is on their birth certificates and I wont deny him anything to do with them. But he still hasnt done anything about it - this is driving me mad - I did throw it in his face before we went away. I dont care how much shit he gives me or feels towards me, there are 2 innocent children who he should be responsible for in everyway.
How can I make him stand up and start to sort things out?
M
Its truely frustrating for you Eeyore, but at the end of the day, as harsh as it seems, you can't make him do anything.
We had the bitter wind yesterday. Today the sun is shining, looks a bit blowy, but not sure if cold or not. Haven't stepped out the door yet!!!
Do you work through school term only? What do you do? (sorry if you've posted on this before)!
Take care
Alison
x
Hi Alison,
I know I can make him do anything. Just wish he would do something.
I work as an Administrator, slightly boring, but has its moment. Do 30 hours a week all year, but boss is great and will let me do 3 days a week when kids are on holidays.
M
Hi M
Well as you know from my txts today ive been thinking too much today. Im still not crying over him im just so annoyed and upset now over the man, marriage and life that we had just 12 weeks ago have all gone up in flames.
I think he is going through some sort of break down and just cant admit it cos he'll lose his job for being unstable. They cant even have on their medical records that they have ever been treated for depression. His job is more important to him than us, and yes i am including the boys in that because he said im a better parent than him and he couldnt do the job i do bringing them up cause he couldn't do a normal 9-5 job in the UK...thats a cop out i know that, but 1 day my 2 gorgeous boys will be lost to him forever.
I cant believe im at a lawyer either, how the hell i got into this position i just dont know..we never argued and if we did it was over something small and stupid but to hear him talk now you would think we were always arguing. He says things between us havent been right for a long time (thats true as he couldnt keep his dick in his pants) so ive obviously been living in a bigger bubble than i thought lol
im off to have some Green and Blacks chocolate and watch Supersize v superskinny...fed up listening to myself so i can only imagine how others feel listening to me as well!
Kx
I now play the lottery as well,never did it before.