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Hi everyone,my grandad has been confused and showing the signs of alzheimers for a while now its in his family anyway,somedays hes not to bad other days hes not so good,recently hes been thinking my nana is two of his sister one of which passed away years ago,
I came to my mums today and she was upset and crying as my nana told her what hes been saying today (saying the house my nana and he live in is a hoval) and just not being himself,and whem my mum went to visit the other day he was out of sorts and in pain with his leg,
The reason im writing this post is i dont feel anything towards my grandad obviously its not nice hes in pain,but i just dont feel anything towards the whole situation im not upset and couldnt sympathise with how my mums feeling,and im thinking should i feel something? am i being horrible by not feeling anything? and i know this sounds awful i dont even think id be affected or cry if he died
The thing is we havent spoken for nearly14 years i think it is and have only seen him once in town in that time and he didnt recognise me,he disowned me when i told him i was pregnant with my son,as my sons dad was bad news and the main reason that my sons dads mixed raced and my grandads racist,and got bigoted and racist views (he and my nana said if i had an abortion they would take me on holiday to australia with them)
And i know this has affected how i feel toward my grandad,i just wondered what other peoples views were on this situation,im not a horrible person just dont feel anything toward my grandad anymore.
Thanks for reading my post.
Hi elle. The way I'm seeing it is, your Grandad and Nana weren't there for you when you were pregnant, trying perhaps to steer you into having an abortion, and from then on you aren't on speaking terms. I'm sorry to hear that he has alzheimers, but I completely understand that you have no feelings on this, because of the way you were treated etc. I have 'family' members that have hurt me deeply, and I've always said I wouldn't spit on them if they were on fire. Harsh I know, but when you've suffered at so called 'families' hands, then it's extremely hard to show any sympathy for whatever they may be going through.
I could say the racism thing could be to do with age etc, and that isn't excusing him elle at all. He obviously doesn't know your son, or have anything to do with him, which again must be hurtful to you. (my lot don't with C)
No one can tell you how to feel or think. I would just ask yourself elle, though it sounds like you already have, how you would feel if/when he died, would you have liked to have cleared the air with him, or are you happy in not doing so. Maybe he could be given the chance to apologise for past behaviour? With my lot, I'm happy to draw the line under things, and never speak to them again. We all have to make our own decisions in life, and I'm sure you'll make the right one. As long as you don't have regrets with the decision that you make, then you'll be fine. And no, you are not a bad person, just someone that has been hurt in the past by 'family'.
thank you for your thoughts on it sparkling your right i did mourn about it back then as i was close to him he used to take me out with him when i was little,and i was really upset about it but i suppose i just got on with it,
I would give mym mum a hug but we dont have that sort of relationship but i think i could try and sympathise with her more when shes upset,
thanks for you reply hazel eyes,im glad you can sympathise with how i feel i suppose i cant make myself feel something i dont can i,and if i did it wouldnt be real anyway,and it is hard to sympathise when you have been treated like crap or disowned or whatever,i just didnt know should i be feeling something but i dont think i should.
I speak and have contact with my nan and she loves R to bits (despite what she said about me having an abortion) altho she dosent get to see him often because of my grandad and i think my grandad would of loved him too if he got to know him,its a shame your lot dont with c but there the ones missing out!
I think it is to do with the older generations attitudes cos they are not all like that,i have seen and do sometimes still see older grand parents out with there grand kids who are not the same race and it used to upset me,
I dont think he would apologise to be honest hazel eyes cos i dont think he thinks hes done anything wrong,but he did say a few weeks ago would i like those rugs to my nan as she was getting rid of which i was quite shocked about!
I feel the same as you hazel eyes i dont think i would want to clear the air with him i feel disgusted that he disowned a pregnant 16 year old.i dont even know if i would go to his funeral when he passes away.
Hi elle81
Thanks for sharing this with us. Just because someone is a blood relation does not mean you have to get on with them or to love them. I have heard it said that "friends are the family we choose ourselves" and I do agree with that. My friend's dad left him when he wa about 11 and he and his siblings were brought up by a stepdad who married his mum.....as soon as my friend was 18 he went out and got his name changed by deed poll to the name of the stepdad....he said "THAT is the person who loved me" and he was right.
I know you don't have an affectionate sort of relationship with your mum but maybe you could just sympathise with her (the same way as you would with a friend) and in one way that would be "modelling" kind behaviour to her, I know she said some unwelcome things to you recently.
You're not a horrible person. You can only feel what you feel and in view of your grandad's rejection of R (and therefore you) I am not surprised you are thinking as you are.
elle, the rug offering. Maybe that's your Grandad's way of trying to make amends in some way, though of course, the offer of rugs doesn't make up for anything that's happened. Elderly people are extremely stubborn and set in their ways aren't they? I'm pleased that you and your nana have a relationship of sorts (sorry I misread your post). As for your mum, how would you feel about asking after him from time to time, and that shows her that you do care about her feelings etc. It is tricky isn't it, but follow your heart. xx
Thank you louise yes we cant choose our family can we! if you could i wouldnt have this one,
I did sympathise wuth her to an extent but i didnt know what else to say to be honest,i feel a lot of resentment towards my mum louise and it shows its head every now and then and il have periods where i really resent and dislike her,do you think thats normal for this resentment to keep bubbeling up? sorry i have gone of the subject a bit,but when i saw my mum crying i didnt think ah poor you!
I like what you said about modelling behaviour,atleast i know with R he can cuddle me and i can cuddle him and i tell him i love him all the time i think im trying to make sure he dont see me as i see my mum.
Thank you louise yes we cant choose our family can we! if you could i wouldnt have this one,
I did sympathise with her to an extent but i didnt know what else to say to be honest,i feel a lot of resentment towards my mum louise and it shows its head every now and then and il have periods where i really resent and dislike her,do you think thats normal for this resentment to keep bubbeling up? sorry i have gone of the subject a bit,but when i saw my mum crying i didnt think ah poor you!
I like what you said about modelling behaviour,atleast i know with R he can cuddle me and i can cuddle him and i tell him i love him all the time i think im trying to make sure he dont see me as i see my mum.
Yes, I have noticed that you seem particularly loving with R and I did think that you wanted things to be different from how they were between you and your mum. Of course it then makes it harder for us to be strict with our children and this is something you have also been working on in the last few months....HOORAY for you. Loving behaviour also involves setting boundaries and limits and that is one of the things you are trying to do with R 
I don't think you should feel guilty about ANY of your feelings, but I do think this is a chance to show your mum your sympathetic side. One way to do this is to try to summarise what the person may be feeling.....so you could say to your mum, "It seems as if you are feeling really sad and helpless about what is happening to grandad, is there any way I can help you?" or "I am here to talk to, if it helps, mum" You don't have to have strong feelings about it and I agree it is wrong to pretend to.
hi hazel eyes to be honst i dont even think that the rug was away to make ammends to be honest,and yes they are very stubborn and set in there ways esp with the racist attitude,and that will never change i feel better about the whole situation now ive had a chance to get it out in the open,my nana texts me in the week days and calls too and i always ask how he is just to show that im taking an interest when well you know how i really feel about it,i think when my mum phones later i will ask how she is like i always do and say hope you are ok today as i know you were upset yesterday,and sort of just do that every now and then x
Thank you louise im glad i come across in that way with R and i do want it to be differnt than how it is with me and my mum,i just hope he knows he can come to me with anything and i will be there to help,i do tell him that.hes still apain in the bum lol but i am trying my best.
I was sympathetic in a way with her yesterday but not overly so because i just dont feel comfortable doing with her esp with how i feel at the minute as the resentment towards her has bubbeled up again,but as i said to hazel eyes i will be asking how she is when she phones today.
To be honest i think i resided myself to the fact a long time ago that we will never speak again and i dont want to after disowning me and never seeing how lovely R is,its just so nice to be able to get my feelings out on here so thank you it means a lot that people have took time out to read and answer my post.
Hi elle81, it sounds as though you have come to your own conclusions, just by sharing your feelings on here.
It is a tough one, when you realise that you actually 'really don't care', as such, towards someone, although it can feel surprising and cold perhaps, it can also be very empowering. You are in control of this situation.
Your mum was raised by this man so obviously has some issues that she has not dealt with, so having someone to share this with will be good for your relationship, however make sure you protect yourself and if you don't want to be a shoulder to cry on, you don't have to be. Just make yourself unavailable until the following day/week.
If you can support your mum and support your gran and you never know you might all become closer. This is going to be hard for them to deal with, perhaps you could direct them to the Altzeimers Society website. There are local groups around the country for carers of people with dementia, which they may find useful.
Thank you anna for your advice,i shall be passing on the website to my mum incase she needs it for some time in the future,i definitly think i have drawn my own conclusion that things are just best left the way they are,its good i can come on here and get advice though i really appreciate it.
You are always welcome 
Personally, I think its understandable to not feel anything when things have been as they are for fourteen years. I would have thought any mourning that you had for your grandad would have been done back then.
It is understandable that you Mum is going to be upset though, and perhaps will need you there to give her hugs, even though you can't sympathise...