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I spent 10 years on my own bringing up my son after his father left when he was 3yrs old. My relationship with the Dad was very strained I was mentally, emotionally and physically bullied by this man and although I tried to shield him from this he did witness some of it.
I have worked very hard for my son to have a relationship with his Dad and it does now seem to be improving.
Last year I embarked on a relationship that I had waited my whole adult life for, the man in question is a very kind, caring and considerate man who took us both on along with having his own 13 yr old son and 19 yr old daughter.
My son has always been very grown up for his age and it is unfortunate that he has had to be, however my partners son is still treated and very much behaves like a young child not a teenager and as such my son has become a dominant child in their relationship as siblings.
Whilst I know he likes this family life and often says this is the best home life he has experienced.....I am not hurt by this becasue 10yrs on our own was very hard on both of us......it wold now seem that the other boy is saying he feels threaten and intimidated by my sons strength and ability. It would appear they have had a number of altercations over the last few months which have lead the other boy to feel like this about my son and it has all just come out.
My partner has now banned my son from his house....which consequently is our home...........and I have had to send him to stay with his Dad and Grand Parents.....not an ideal situation for anyone.
I know my son is not perfect and would never knowing hurt someone on purpose without being provoked so Iknow I have to speak to my son and find out what has happened but how do I build back that bridge to bringing us all together again?
Please help becasue I love all of these people very much and don't want to loose any of them out of my life.
Hello JulieAR
Welcome and you will always find a listening ear here 
It is a really hard situation you are in.
I am going to be very frank with you and it may not be want you want to hear but I can only tell you what strikes me from my ten years of parenting consultancy experience.
I totally understand that your partner's instinct is to protect his child. I agree with Hazeleyes, however, that you do need to know what actually went on. To go from nothing, to being sent away is a very drastic step and it seems a shame that this was not discussed and resolved ie your boy made to understand that he cannot behave in a "bullying" fashion, if indeed that is what he has done, but at least kept within the family unit, and at least LISTENED to. Your boy has experienced family life that he enjoys and then he has been told he is not welcome in that life.
I would also like to ask how it was that your partner decided your son could be banned from his own home: do you not have a say at all in what goes on in what is your home too? Is your partner dominating you in the same way as your son's dad did? Do you tend to play the role of peacemaker? Your boy is your priority, you are his parent and you are responsible for his welfare, he counts on you to be the one to protect him and be there for him. OK he may have done wrong but to ban him is very drastic.
Now, it could be that what your partner wanted was a cooling off period and if that is so, then presumably that was with a view to tackling the problem in some way....in which case you need to tackle it NOW. You all need to sit round a table together, ie you, your partner and the two boys, and I would suggest draw up a contract of behaviour. If this is too hard to do on your own you can contact Family Mediation but I would suggest a lot of plain talking for the four of you, each of the adults bearing in mind that the other will have a need to protect their own child and to see if you can find a way forward to live together with BOTH your boys.
So take heart, we will be here to support you, sometimes being a single parent can feel like a massive balancing act, can't it?
Hi
As far as I am aware there has not been any hitting out. My son has I am told used his physical strength to restrain the other boy after he had kicked out at my son. The two occasions this has happened were once playing football my son is with an academy so is very good the other boy not so good challenged him really badly and that was the first time he pinned him down. The second was when we had all been playing a tickling game and when my partner and I went out this carried on between the boys both trying to get the better of each other, my son got kicked in the face but only reacted I am told with a physical stance not hitting or restrain.
Also the other boy is saying he finds my sons presence threatening and intimidating. My sons Dad is still very much like that and this trait I think he gets from him. At 13 he doesn't understand or know his own physical strength and presence of character, I have been trying for a while now to help him realise that this can make other people feel uncomfortable.
My son is no angel he back chats at me sometimes which my partner feels uncomfortable with because I very much am focused on supporting my son in all his activities but then I am like that for everyone.
This has all blown up in the last few days coming to head yesterday when I was out with my son and my partner rang to say he did not want my son in the house again and we would have to move out that night. The quickest and easiest option for me was to send him to his Dads just quickly gathering his school things.
I will be speaking to my son this evening and tomorrow evening for his version of events but with the ban on him returning to what we call home I have no choice at the moment but for him to stay with his father. I do have my own house but it is not habitable at the moment there is lots of things to be done there to make it so again. For starters I have no cooker, fridge/freeser of tumbler dryer as well as no heating.
I have suggested that when I have spoken to my son I then speak to my partner and then he, my son, his son and myself all sit down to try and sort things out but I'm still not sure my partner will do this because I have suggested this before when they had a little arguement.
I really don't know what to do for the best I know my son will be feeling hurt and let down by me not just moving out with him but at the same time I know he loves me and just wants me to be happy but if i choose to stay here and e can't what am I suppose to do?? He's my son. :'(
Personally, I wouldn't be choosing to stay somewhere without my son. Your new partner seems to have 'jumped' on your son very quickly, pointing blame entirely on him. What has gone on doesn't, to me, sound too bad. Biological siblings are like this too!! How was your partner with your son before you moved in? Your son doesn't sound like a bully at all from what you're saying. There perhaps is jealousy on the boys' parts, but surely that is to be expected. Being one big happy family may have been a bit much too soon. You're all still getting to know each other after a year. Of course your son still loves you, you're his Mum, and he wants you to be happy, but are you happy being apart from him, and having your partner banning him from your home. Like Louise has said, do you not get a say in your home?
I do get a say in the home but more recently feel that the phrase "It's my home" often crops up in conversation or discussions. I feel my partner was hasty in his banning of my son from the home.....what must my poor lad be thinking? 
In answer to your question about living where my son isn't....nope not what I want at all but when you have nowhere else to go what do you do?. One consolation at this point is he is only a mile away from me at his Dads but my son and I have always been a team never apart except for holidays with his grandparents or his Dad. I do feel that maybe I have struggled more in the last year with the transistion of him not being my little boy anymore but growing up and flexing his wings a little as young lad. Maybe I should let him be more responsible for his own actions and just be there to guide and support him along the way.
I really do know my own son is not perfect, I do feel he should be given an opportunity to put his side of things across to those condemning him but at this time maybe a few days cooling off for everyone is required.
I have made the suggestion to my partner today again about all of us talking together and maybe drawing up a Family Behaviour Contract that all four of us have an input to. Let's see what happens over the next few days.
Thanks for listening, just being there and for your advice....what ever happens has to be in the best interest of the children at the end of the day.
Hi JulieAR
Loads of hugs to start off with. I'm sure you're feeling so confused.
It's only natural that as parents we protect our children - which it seems your partner is doing here.
If you can't sort this out around the table, is it possible for you to move back to your place and carry on the relationship as 'girlfriend and boyfriend'?
I so agree with Louise's post. Please be aware of perhaps getting into the same style of relationship. You son matters equally.
Please keep posting...
Please don't take this the wrong way, but you can sometimes find cookers and fridges on freegle or freecycle... x
Thanks for the heads up on Freegle I have posted a wanted on there.
I understand his need to protect his son....however he has to understand the need to protect mine from the complete lack of regard for his feelings or version of events.
Am hoping a few days cooling off will help us all to think and try to resolve things.
fingers crossed
Absolutely.
I think this is where things can get difficult when there are two families involved.
I found it hard enough having a relationship and the bloke didn't have children - yet the minute I feel he's let them down, well...
I actually feel like I've let everyone down at the moment.....My son my partner and his son.....I guess I am the peacemaker in our home because all I want is to avoid confrontation and for everyone to be happy....is that really too much to ask?......maybe it is....but we will see.
Good luck with it all JulieAR, I would have a fallback plan with getting a cooker and fridge (free if possible, the heating and dryer are optional!) so that you can move back to your former home if needed
You've not let anyone down.
I think I possibly may be a peacemaker. I grew up with DV, and it was my job to keep my Dad in a good mood. I think I saw that as a role within my marriage too...
With my then boyfriend (now known as friend who's pushing it!), I used to put his needs first. Gradually wore off though as he was letting my children down. It was as if my eyes were opened and I realised what he was doing - which was not considering the needs of my lot.
You're taking actions to try and make this better.
I hate confrontation too. I'm also not sure if you can make everyone happy. Something I have learnt though is that you need to be reasonably happy with your self too. Somehow that makes you feel that bit stronger.
Thanks for the support everyone........fall back plan is in place and I will be moving back home.....my son is my priority and after speaking to him yesterday there are no other options for me....he is usually very grown up about life problems but last night he was a broken little boy feeling let down not by me but by my partner....the person he had become fond of, respected and looked up to.
I spoke to my partner again last night and told him of my decision.....he doesn't want me to leave but I have told him I now have no choice....you cannot try to brandish a 13yr old boy with the stigma of being a bully without even listening to his version of events.
My boy is first last and everything to me and always will be.
Will keep posting to and let you know how we get on.
Today I am still very upset but am managing a smile to pass on to anyone else who may need it
Yes I can imagine it has been a very traumatic few days for you and your boy. Hope it helps that we are here with you on the journey, and sometimes talking it over can help you see things more clearly, which is hard when you are in the middle of it all.
Take care and keep us posted with how things are going and how you are feeling.
Thanks Louise, yes very traumatic but plans are in place to get my son and I back under the same roof.....hopefully no more than a couple of weeks to get the basics in place for us. Until then I will be speaking to him and seeing him every day
As for the bullying it would appear that teenage rough and tumble and some sibling rivalary has been exaggerated and used as an excuse as it seems to all boil down to my partners son not wanting to share his room anymore!!
Anyway I am putting my positive mental attitude to the fore front and sorting things for the better in the long run
Awww JulieAR. Such an upsetting time for you.
I can guess its been difficult for both boys, and I'm just sorry it's brought such sadness.
Hi JulieAR. I'm so pleased you've reached the tough, but I feel, the right decision to return home with your son. I know it's upsetting for you, but we're all here for you. Good luck with everything, and hopefully you'll find some things on Freecycle. Take care.
Todays feelings are mixed..........went to see my son last night and he didn't really want to talk to me I was upset but tried not to show it I just told him I loved him and that I would ring him later to say good night which I duly did and he was still not very receptive.
My partner apologized to me last night for the way he handle things with my son which I appreciated but told him it was my son he needed to apologize to.....he asked my son to come round and talk but my son said he is not ready yet and is clearly going through the angry stage of being upset.
Do you think I should speak to his school and ask if they can encourage him to talk to someone completely neutral to get all the feelings out? I don't want to rush him into doing anything he doesn't want to but at the same time I don't want him bottling things up
On the plus side my son had his school report showing his achievement levels.....I am very proud of him because although he has not made a lot of effort this school year he has still reached and surpassed his levels set in his core subjects and the majority of all his other subjects......I have arranged to take him out...just me and him on Thursday as a well done to him.
Hi JulieAR. Have you told your son you are arranging for the two of you to move back to your house yet? You're right about your partner needing to apologise to your son, but he was right to apologise to you too. I can understand your son not wanting to meet up with him yet, I would feel angry too. As for the school, I'm not sure really, as they are so near to finishing.
As for his report, brilliant, well done to him.
Yes I have told him.....and he does want to so that's a start.
I am not going to push him into talking to my partner he has to do it when he is ready otherwise it will probably make things worse. I just thought that if he could be encouraged to talk to someone at school he wouldn't bottle things up over the summer and could start to relax a little....I will probably leave it and if he decides he does need to talk to someone I can get some advice from somewhere.
Am looking forward to spending the evening with him on Thursday and we will only talk about everything that has been going on if he wants to....hopefully he will just relax and enjoy himself.
I do appreciate all the comments and just having people here to talk to is more helpful than you probably realise.
I'm sure you'll have a lovely evening together. Hopefully, he'll relax and talk about stuff, but I wouldn't push him either. You two have always been close, so he'll open up to you sooner rather than later I would think.
I find talking to people on here helps too. Sometimes, I've noticed with friends, they tend to judge me, but no one does that here. It's brilliant
Have a great time tomorrow with your son. Take care. xx
Personally, I think its understandable that he is still angry. Perhaps moving back to your place and the summer holidays will give him a different focus, and help him feel more secure.
I hope you have a lovely evening tomorrow
Hi JulieAR
You are making fantastic strides, well done!
I wouldn't worry about involving the school at this stage. if you want him to see a counsellor at some stage in the future then fine, but for now he just needs to know his mum loves and supports him.
Cheering you from the sidelines!!!
Hi JulieAR
I am so pleased to read that you have decided to move back into your own home, as hard as it is going to be, it sounds as if that is the best option.
I have a couple of thoughts, I am wondering what his dad is saying to him throughout all of this? I think I remember you saying he was a bully, I hope he is supporting yoru son and not filling his head with negative stuff about your current partner or you.
Young Minds is a great organisation that can support you and give you lots of information for help with supporting your son. They are commmited to improving the emotional wellbeing of children and young people. You might want to consider giving them a call, they have a freefone number: 0808 802 5544 Mon - Fri 9.30 - 4pm
Good morning
I had a lovely evening with my son, we talked a lot he was still angry at the start of the evening but I think some plain talking by me while still supporting him helped immensely. We went to see a film and after the film we talked some more on the car drive home and he actually said he didn't feel as angry anymore and that having a chilled out evening with me had helped
My son is going to text my partner to arrange picking up his bike so that is progress because at the start of the evening he said he never wanted to talk to him again. Maybe this will be a start of communication between them but I'm not pushing it.
My partner is very good at DIY etc so is going to help get things sorted at my house for my son and I to move back and has said he would like my son to work alongside him...again at the start of the night my son was not having any of it but by the time I dropped him off well he was saying there were things he wanted to do and perhaps my partner could show him
We are going to try and get some normality back for everyone this weekend...maybe Sunday lunch together or even just a pizza but there is no pressure it will only be if everyone is ready for it.
I do know these are only small steps, these small steps have made me very happy though and I do know there are going to be some tough times ahead emotionally for all of us but today I woke up feeling like there is light at the end of the tunnel.....a very long tunnel but light never the less.
Something else I realised last night as I looked at my son....suddenly at nearly 14 he is no longer my little boy....he is turning into a young man and everything we do now at this difficult time will shape him for the future.......
I can't thank everyone enough for their support this week it has been so valued...I have learnt about areas of support I did not know existed
So pleased you had a great evening. Never mind small steps, I think you achieved big ones last night. Well done. You and your son sound so close, you're handling everything brilliantly. How are you feeling about moving out away from your partner? Must be hard on you too. Perhaps, given time, things will work out between the children, and you'll once again be in a 'family' unit together. Let us know how Sunday goes, if indeed everyone is in agreement. xx
Hi JulieAR, I agree with hazeleyes, you did achieve some big steps last night. Well done, you know even though your boy is 14 and turning into a young man, he still needs his mum and he still needs to be a little boy at times as he goes through this transistion into manhood.
It sounds as though the trust between the two of you has been restored and that is the best news.
It also sounds as though your partner needed you to move out. I am thinking that you now get the best of both worlds, you have a DIY man, a boyfriend, your own space, your son AND sunday dinners, what more could a girl want!!
Well done you! It is lovely that your son is interested in helping your partner with the house too, it sounds as though all this difficult stuff that you have recently gone through, is going to turn out much better than anyone expected!
hazeleyes asks an interesting question, how do YOU feel about moving out from your partners home?
Wow JulieAR massive steps! I am so pleased to hear it.
Yes your son is becoming a young man, what a shock that is to us as parents! (my "baby" is 6 foot 2 now!!!) but you will find he veers from being really grown up one minute to a scared little boy at others. As a parent of a teenager, I think the trick is just to go with the flow on that one, and as he gets older, teach him that with rights go responsibilities.....but what I also think is fanastic is if your son can work alongside your partner with the DIY, not only will it begin to "bond" them but also your son will feel he has a real stake in your home together
I hope the weekend goes really well
Thanks everyone..........I have mixed feelings about moving out probably more so because I have spent so much time on my own and loved the family unit we all had together. The waking up in a morning and being the one that got everyone else up....sorting cups of coffee and tea making sure everyone had all they needed for the day ahead, including the animals (2 cats and 3 rabbits!!)....but I will still be able to do that for my son
I will really miss waking up next to someone and am a bit concerned I may start falling asleep on the sofa again, the back of the sofa feels like someone is curled up next to you.....a bit sad know but hey.
I have always said that if this didn't work out living together there could be no relationship between us but I love having this man in my life...he's not perfect but he has made me feel very special during our time together.
However when all said and done my son is the most important person in my life and this move is the right one for him and that to me is all that matters
And Anna I think you are right what more could a girl want
Who knows what lies ahead though...
sparklinglime .... You are right with who know what lies ahead .... I do have a more positive out look on things now than I did at the start of the week though which is what I needed.
You have all been a great source of support through these last few days and am sure will be in the future as things change and progress.
Even if we don't know the answers, not experiencing what you are etc, one things for sure, we'll all be here to listen and offer our support. Are you seeing your son today?
Good luck with the 'family' meal today
I hope things are going well for you and improving. There are bits from your story that I can relate to, having tried to blend 2 families myself. Perhaps you could read my story "Blended Families - complicated" and offer some support. The one thing I am lacking is my sons having respect for my partner and vice versa. Perhaps I should just give up that it is ever going to work!
Hi JulieAR. Welcome along to One Space. This is such a shame for this to have happened, especially as your son has now been banned from your partners house. Was your son hitting out at the other lad, or were they arguing? I would definately speak to your son about it, and not just take your partner's word for this. Do you still see your son daily, or have phone contact with him? This must be terrible for you, especially as you and your son have spent all these years on your own together. How long has your son been gone?