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I don't really know where to start but the problem I'm having is with my mother, she's the type of woman who with give her left arm if it ment helping her family, she adores her grandchildren However she has always had a problem with anger and lying....she suffers from a problem to do with her nerves and is on very strong medication to try and control the pain- this illness hasn't helped the situation but we all stick by her....days out are ruined by her anger out bursts which upsets the children (mine & my sisters) arguments are carried on for weeks by my mother and she always puts people down and brings up stuff that happened years ago. Then she plays the victim like everyone is against her, If she's wrong she never says sorry and her lying is out of control-- these problems have always been there since she was a child (she was very attention seeking & tried to shock people) but now I have a child myself I notice them more and do not want my child around that. Growing up my parents would always argue, so much infact that I would not invite friends round...my parents are still together but now my dad just switches off or agrees with her for an easier life. My mother will always twist the truth and it's hard to know if she's telling the truth or not. A simply hello could get twisted and bits added on that's how bad she is . I love my mother to bits but I'm at my wits end where I'm even thinking I just don't want to be around her anymore, all my family love her but are running out of good things to say about her :( I suggested theropy but that didn't go down well at all....I don't want to lose my mum but I don't know what to do any more, I can not imagin being in constant pain all day like she is but that's no excuse to treat people this way...I don't want the kids to remember her as the nasty, shouting nan as I'm sure she wouldn't either, I've tried talking to her but she always ends up screaming and slamming doors like a 3 year old....I really think she needs help otherwise she will end up losing everyone :(
Thank you for your reply Louise. My grandparents were very prim & proper and from what I've been told by older family members my nan sent my mum to the theripist as a teen. As I mentioned before my mum feels the need to shock and be different, her childhood was no different and she would often find herself in trouble, she got pregnant at a very early age and decided to give her child up for adoption, I can't even imagin how hard that must of been :( . Then she married a man who was very abusive to her for years, she thankfully got out of this relationship... Her lying is out of control and i cant believe anything she says, if we are at the shops and i pop dwn nxt lane she will make up some crazy story of how some one said something rude to her , then my mum argued back so the person slapped her and my mum hit her back- me clearly knowing none of this happened, but these stories happen often! , My dad hadn't helped it all by letting her "get away" with stuff when she's in the wrong...I feel like my mum isn't happy unless she's making everyone else miserable. I wonder if she's trying to punish US for HER mistakes and that's the only way of letting it all out? I remember when I was in labour, if some1 spoke to me I would snap coz of the pain so I can't imagin what its like to be in pain 24/7 but my mother was like this before the illness started (obv it's been made worse due to pain)....I can't compliment her appearance coz if I'm honest she makes no effort , doesn't brush her hair (I've offered to style it) wears old tatty clothes that don't match at all & sometimes tries to dress like a teenager. We tried going on family day trips but as I said it gets ruined by her starting a fight out of no where..I love her soooo much and really want to help her- could this be bipolar?
Hi tinkerbell2, it sounds very challenging for all the family. I know very little about bi-polar, but have a look at this NHS site about Bi-polar Disorder and see if you recognise any of the symptoms.
Hi Tinkerbell,
Your situation sounds very difficult, it must be very hard for you. Your mum sounds like she's got lots of problems, but as louise said we can't change someone else. Its really hard when we want a relationship with someone we love but we don't want the pain their behaiour brings. Lousie's suggestions of focusing on positive things sounds good, that way you can try to change the way you talk with her rather than how she is.
I too have had issues with my mum recently, not quite the same as yours, but it made me look at my childhood and the way I was brought up and I realised that I don't want that influence on my children. I haven't progressed very far with my mum as she doesn't like to talk about things, but I have become more aware about what I want and don't want which is a start.
I hope you manage to work something out that feels right for you and your family.
Hello PQ, yes that is one really important thing for all of us...although we can't change our mums, we can decide what sort of mums WE want to be.
Hello Tinkerbell2,
How difficult for you all. Of course you love her but you also have to think about you and A. Hope you don't mind if I speak frankly, this is no criticism of anyone at all, how can we know their perspective unless we have walked a mile in their shoes?
I do think it is compounded by your dad just letting it wash over him, though I totally understand why he has, and I am sure you understand it too. If she has been like that since a child then it feels to me as if her parents did not calm her down and then neither did her husband. There are lots of families like yours where one person seems to "hold the power" and it can hard for everyone else, they all have to tiptoe round the person. And it is sad for the person themselves becaue they are not as close to the rest of the family as they could be.
Your Mum must feel so angry at the world, as you say being in constant pain is just so draining, she must feel as if she could only get a break now and then, she could cope better and she must feel very cheated, that life has been unfair to her.
Therapy would indeed be a good idea but only if the person themselves knows they need help and the very nature of what is going on here means that is unlikely. All I can suggest is that time you spend with her is used to talk about happier times, what does she remember about you when you were A's age, for example, are there old family photos you can look at, what music does she like, could you compliment her on things, whether to do with appearance, something she is wearing, her cooking, her intelligence? However, if this falls on stony ground then maybe you are wise to keep your distance...you can still spend time with your sister and maybe even your dad?
Remember what we always say: we can't change someone else, I think that is one of life's hardest lessons.