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I used to swim – competitively. I would train for at least two hours a day, where a warm up was to swim a mile. I cycled everywhere, would weight train, and even run up the hill from the dingle, sitting on the steps waiting for my Dad to walk up.
I used to walk for miles on our beautiful beaches – with various dogs at various points of my life. I would sit on sandhills and watch beautiful sunsets, and sometimes scream as waves crashed on to the beach in stormy weather. And my Dad and I would swim in the sea.
I miss my Dad…
I would play badminton – I had a great short serve, could clear a shuttle to the back of the court – or drop it over the net. And I had a very handy smash! I have to say that I really was looking forward to playing badminton again as my wonderful children got older.
And my children… We spent hours on the beach building sandcastles, playing Frisbee and football. Paddling in the sea and again walking. So much walking.
All that went over night. I’d ran up the hill to Beeston Castle in Cheshire that day, and walked around Jodrell Bank. It was sunny and it was a good day. That evening was when the pain started and my legs would lock.
I’ve not run since.
My youngest, poor boy, he was only 6…
Here we are years later, and I have very severe arthritis. Not just the hips but back, neck, left shoulder and don’t mention my knuckles…
Yesterday I tried to walk around an art exhibition in Parc Menai. Wanting to see my 17 year old's work, and that of my daughter's friend. I couldn’t even make it around the place. The pain was just too much. Youngest helped me back to the car.
I sobbed and sobbed. My oldest hugged me, my youngest tried to comfort me.
Yesterday I realised that I really miss being able bodied.
I know I couldn’t have prevented this happening, but it is of no comfort. Which is something many don’t realise – they think it’s because of my size.
I tell myself that it’s only pain – which it is. I’m fine otherwise.
But yesterday I’ve realised that really, when it comes down to it that watching – which I have been told I need to learn to do – is actually very, very hard.
I miss the walking – especially on the beaches. I miss sitting in the sandhills or watching waves crashing on the beach. I wish I could take our dog for the miles of walks I know she’d love.
I miss not having had the chance to do all the things I planned to with my wonderful lot as they grew older.
Today I’m heart broken.
Massive hugs from me too sparklinglime 
I think Louise has written a lovely post, you have achieved so much in your life, but I can imagine how hard it is to have to 'watch' rather than participate, when you have always been so active.
What do you think of Louise's suggestions for processing it?
Big hugs sparkling. My step dad was a very fit 68 year old would cycle 20 miles most days, then feb 12 he had an accident. He was lucky to liv. But don't think he sees it like that. It's been a year since he got out of hospital and he has got worse by the month. He can't go out alone, his walking isn't safe. He really struggles with constant what he describes as buzzing from the waist down. It's so debilitating! He is sick some days from the feelings he has. Life can be so cruel. He struggles to do simple tasks like the washing up. He was still working as a maths teacher when he had the accident. Had just gone part time to start enjoying his retirement.
he is having cbt to attempt to help with his mindset and this buzzing. It does help.
He is not ready to accept how life has changed yet. It must be so hard.
It certainly sounds like you have had and still have a full and satisfying life. X
Most of the time I can see the positives. We really do have good fun here, even though we're broke, I'm wonky, oldest is, well, a pain etc...
By Sunday I was ok again. I have to admit to crying most of Saturday, although I did fall asleep in the afternoon.
I did a journal with the split up, losing everything, then homelessness AND then losing Jill just when you think you've had all the pain there is to deal with. The journal has a warning notice on the front! It's been in the garage since the re-wiring was done. That stupid frustration of not being able to climb over the junk that the children have dumped in there to reach boxes. That should be addressed with me finishing at 1pm and them being home. I'm quite looking forward to it. I just need to order a new cattle prod to keep them moving. The other one has worn out.
Perhaps the best thing I could do is move away. I'm even finding it hard to drive past beaches that I'd walk miles on.
Even looked at this.
http://www.beachwheelchairs.co.uk/
But I'd be terrified of falling over.
Guess watching is what it has to be - but with tears. I think those who have known me for a long time will understand the tears.
I'll never get over it. I'll never stop missing it. It's like its had to be with my Dad, my Mum and Jill. I have to accept it. I'm quite good at accepting most of the time. I'm just quite good at having major blips too.
GP tomorrow. I have to have something for the pain at night. I don't want anything for the day. Paracetamol to get me moving in the morning and then that is it. I like a clear head.
Good luck at the GP, sparkling. With pain relief and your new mattress I hope your nights will improve.
I understand how you feel you dont even want to look at the beaches...but how sad to even lose the sight of them. I live somewhere scenic too but many live with a view of nothing but bricks and concrete. Don't lose your beaches and your mountains 
My view is of the mountains - but I never went up them too far, so there's nothing to miss there.
I can even drive past the beaches without a problem most of the time... But it is very hard. Beaches I don't like are fine!!
I'm sure the GP will have little interest. We shall see.
What bothers me most about the GP (which ever one) they really do break my confidence!
Lots of hugs to you Sparkling! xxx (nothing else to say really 
)
Yes I know that GP feeling!!! There seems to be a number of 12 year olds at my practice these days. One even said to me before some blood tests (as if I was five and she was the teacher) "When our liver or kidneys are unhappy, we need to find the reason why" I bit my tongue not to say "I am 52, I have a degree, and you are very patronising!"
Hope you got some painkillers, sparkling, and not just a lecture 
He was surprised when I replied yes to his question of whether I'd be happier sitting in a dentist's chair!!
I have pain killers 
To take when I feel the need, but probably best to have them before bed time.
I didn't quite have a lecture, other than him having to say it.
Louise, I would have been so tempted to say something!! First time I've been to see the GP for a couple of years, so was surprised when I told him I was terrified - usually I would have silently sat that terrified. I do like being 50!
Thanks Hopeful. I'm grateful for the hugs.
Glad you have been, sparkling. When someone becomes a doctor, I would imagine they do so because they want to help people and make them well yet if fear (and a patronising manner) gets in the way, that is pretty counter-productive.
I agree.
He seemed quite taken aback when I told him I was terrified to be there. He could see my hands shaking.
I wouldn't take those painkillers in the morning though, definitely seem to fog the mind...
Well done for having been, though.
Hello sparkling and I am glad you are able to talk to us about it. What you have experienced-and are experiencing-is a loss akin to a bereavement. It seems doubly cruel that certain people have made sanctimonious assumptions about you being a larger lady. I am not a doctor but it's obvious that you would have developed this condition even if you were size 6.
I agree it is very hard suddenly to feel like a bystander, an observer of life rather than a do-er. It affects so many things and let's face it, SPOILS so many things. I have had two friends who have been beset by sudden and crippling illnesses/disabilities and the only thing I can say with certainty that they both found helpful was that they created new interests that they COULD do despite their limitations. One of these ladies was a champion yachtswoman and overnight she became housebound. This was a few years ago and she has just written her third novel. Now, stories like that are not run of the mill, I realise that, but positive action is the one thing I have seen helping.
Maybe it is a balance between mourning your loss and then concentrating on the positives....you have four beautiful children, you are good at your job and one day may set up your own business, you make such a massive contribution to the local community with your work with the Scouts and the Housing Association, and very clearly, you have a heart of pure gold. However, that is not to negate the sadness you feel, and I truly believe that you have not allowed yourself to go through this mourning process. You've been so busy getting on with life and looking after others that you haven't had chance to work it through.What do you think would help you to start processing this? A counsellor? A journal? Talking to us about it?
MASSIVE HUGS from me