maybe relationships are just not for me..

Thank you for your support...

I enjoy the bands, and its a really upbeat atmosphere and nice people.. and plenty of dancing too.. its just i'd like to do something just us two of an eve as oppose to bands all of the time. Don't get me wrong, we've been to the theatre, cinema, a day out etc along the way, but bands and his mates - a mix of male and female, and all very nice - seem to be his priority.. But then saying that.. I guess its no different to myself and my boys being my priority. I guess we need to communicate, and find compromise in the things that we do or feel important to us..

I wouldn't feel panic if he said he'd quit seeing the bands..But that would be like him changing for me, and not being himself, and he'd grow to resent me.. i'd just like to strike a happy medium eg for bands, i could say i'd love to go either Sat or Sun but not both as it would be nice to do something else together.

I think i'm feeling a bit wobbly because its gotten serious quite quickly.. i'm at fault here too because i have not spoken up sooner, i've allowed myself to be swept off my feet as such. I know i need to be honest with myself and with him too and tell him rather than pretend it is all ok. He appears a confident chap, but underneath hes fairly sensitive, so not sure how he will take what i ask of him/say to him and i'm not sure how to word it, though i'm sure i will find a way x

Why do relationships have to be so difficult.. or why do i make them so difficult?

I feel that i've messed up. As i've said in previous posts on this thread, this relationship has gotten serious and quickly.. and i've allowed myself to be swept up in it, which i'm not proud of admittedly..

Anyway, i am ashamed to say, i introduced my boys to my new partner about a 3 weeks/month ago after only being with my partner for just over a month.. I don't really know what i was thinking, though i did speak to my dad and mum about it. I had explained all about my youngest, all about his relationship with his dad and my ex partner (i'm still querying with the school if hes on the autistic spectrum for various reasons i shant mention here). I told him all about my oldest child too (a pretty laid back and chilled out little man).. He knew how my youngest behaves in general etc and that i have tough times on occasion with him.

So, my partner met them. They got on ok. We met at Banger racing for the afternoon and my parents (my boys are very close to them) came too. I then arranged for my partner to come for tea with my boys and i my parents. And another few meetings after that with my parents still on the scene. After the first couple of meetings my oldest was like 'i like him mum' but my youngest was 'i hate him mum'.. and he has continually told me since that he hates him/doesn't like him, yet he is keen to show my partner what hes been doing, his new toys etc..

Admittedly my youngest is a handful, and i realise that i need to change a few things re my parenting skills to enable better bedtimes and being less drawn into arguements with him.. not proud of myself. BUT, my new partner thinks my son is just being awkward, and selfish?? I'm not sure i agree.. My partner was not impressed that my mum and he had to sit in the back seat of my car whist my youngest sat in the front seat. He said that my son was being disprespectful of his elders and that both i and my parents should be firm and tell my boys that they are to sit in the back of the car all the time.. He says he can see why my ex partner didn't get on with my youngest and why he would find it easy to get on with my eldest and pay him more attention because he is easy going and accepting of new people and situations..

This then came to a head for me last night as my partner was questioning if he could sleep over. I felt like a piggy in the middle as he was saying 'why did you not tell the boys i would be staying' (i wasn't sure thats what i wanted); he asked me 'are you going to let a 9 year old keep walking all over you' (no, and he doesn't, and he has feelings too, its all very new for him too); When i said no to him sleeping over, i felt pressured even more when he was saying its going to have to happen some time, your youngest is going to have to get used to it. I say we shock him into it and i stay, that will make sure he understands that i am staying and am part of your life'.. (me - ANGER bioling up inside.. I cried, and just felt quite numb, there was no choice, my sons come first and i told him sleeping over would wait and sent him home..

So today, i sit here feeling quite confused.. Up until now, things felt good, but now this comes out, i am worried, very worried. I realise that i should have spoken up there and then, but i was angry, it was very late in the evening and my emotions were running high.. I now wish to talk to him about this.. As i said to my dad, if i speak to my partner about it and he takes it on board, apologises and works with me to work through this and to understand what he said is pretty out of order (i feel it is) then maybe this has a chance of survival.. BUT if i talk and am either undermined or ignored then for me thats it, its over because my boys are my prority and i won't ever be put in a position where i am to choose someone else over them..

So what to say, how to say it.. I guess its the same as before, i say it just as i've said it here.. I've found an article and a video on here re introducing a partner and have found one other article on another website dedicated to mums.. I was thinking of showing him these and then talking about it with him and the fears i have since the other eve. What do you think?

Many thanks for reading..

Midgeymoo xx

He is ringing alarm bells for me as he appears like my ex in some respects, elements of 'control' are seeping in and i feel myself backing away a bit and becoming wary.. Having been though what i did with my ex, and having had counselling etc and finding out alot about myself.. this time round i am more aware of my feelings and my feelings at the moment don't feel as good as they did a month ago.. I'm definately not proparred to change for anyone, i will compromise but i will not change.. As you say, i know what is right for me.

If i'm very honest with myself, since the other evening regarding him staying over, my feelings towards him have changed. He says he loves me, he says i'm for him long term, he says he doesn't want to lose me and doesn't know what he'll do if i leave him. He spoken of moving in together and of marriage. It is and has scared me, alot.. and i have been to afraid to say. When he said he loved me i was shocked as it was less than amonth in but i said i loved him too, i really don't know why i said it?? and now i keep saying it. The thing is, i did, just a bit, but i think i loved the fact that he liked me, fancied me and thats by no means love. As for talk on moving in and marriage, i'm so not up for that.. Having had time to think all this through the last few weeks, i really don't think he is for me, its too full on and too fast too soon and its scaring me big time.. I've not long learnt to feel that its ok to be me and do what makes me feel happy, and i don't wish to become buried again by someone else..

I know i have to tell him how this is for me, and i know it will hurt him.. but it needs to be said and for me to judge the reaction to it and see where I think it should go..

Thanks for listening xx

 

Firstly, I apologise for the length of my post, I just really need to talk and get things out of my head.. I feel like I’m moving backwards and not forwards and I’m feeling frustrated.. My head and my heart are back in war with one another except this time my head is in gear and leading the battle..

 

My BF of 5 months, has told me that when he was growing up, though his dad had time for him, he also bullied him mentally. He doesn’t have a very good relationship with his dad to this very day with constant disregard for him and arguments between them. Told me his dad used to tease and make fun of him and even now a days ribs him about his legs being ‘white and skinny’. His dad likes to manipulate him and have control over everything. Says that his dad is lazy and relies on his wife of 40+ years to do everything for him and speaks to her like dirt. She apparently has grown used to it and just accepts it.

 

My BF has also said that he strives so hard not to be like his dad and makes every effort not to be. He hates the thought that he would ever behave like his dad.

 

My BF appears very confident in most areas of his life, perhaps even a bit too over confident without realising it and at times comes across as big headed. He is not very confident about his physical appearance and always seeks reassurance e.g. do you really think my legs look ok in this; I wish you would pay me compliments like I pay you compliments etc.. He is a great cook and makes sure that everyone knows it even going as far to undermine and belittle others who have gone to the effort of cooking for him.. He didn’t have anything nice to say about my roast other than it was a cheating roast and I should have cooked form scratch not use frozen stuff. He had no compliment about a meal I cooked him aside from thank you. He loved my pizzas and apple crumble though.. guess that’s something. This has left me feeling pretty unconfident in my cooking skills and afraid to cook for him in case I get it wrong coz as far as cooking goes, he is always right..

 

I find it strange that he constantly talks about women he’s taken to bed in the past, flings, girlfriends, partners.. He shares with me details of their sex lives, how he made them orgasm, what he found they like, that he encouraged them to be more confident and so on.. He tells me these things because I struggle to relax and to orgasm and find it hard to say what I like or don’t like. And he says that I’m not to worry because he will make me orgasm somehow and get me feeling relaxed and confident. The thing is when I hear of his past partners (wish I really don’t wish to.. but feel afraid to tell him to shut up about them) I feel inadequate and feel like I’m getting it all wrong and therefore can’t relax etc.. I have tried explaining this at which his reply is ‘I can’t really understand why you can’t relax or orgasm, and I can’t believe you don’t know what you like, your 38!, but don’t worry, I’ll be the best lover you’ve ever had’.. He doesn’t like it if I talk about past partners when he asks me about them??

 

Hes always telling me how he loves me, how beautiful I am, how lovely I am and that its because I’m so lovely people/partners have treated me badly but that he won’t do that because he loves all of me and hes not that type of person..

 

He has met a few of my friends but doesn’t hold back in telling me that he doesn’t like them for one reason or another. I don’t like some of his friends, but I have taken the time to talk to them and be pleasant in their company and some I have turned out to like in the end.. Hence I’ve not bothered to introduce anymore friends, but at the same rate it means I haven’t seen them in a while either L

 

He constantly tells me he loves me and asks if I love him, I do, but I am beginning to feel quite unsure at the moment.. He says that I was his last shot on the dating site, that he’ll fall to pieces if I were to leave him, asks me if I will always love him and promise not to leave him etc.. And is always scared that he will say or do something that will make me want to leave him – Which is the stage I’m feeling at the moment..

 

He encourages me to talk, which I do, but I really do find it hard to explain how I’m feeling in order that he understands what I’m trying to say. He tells me that I can always talk to him because I can never do or say anything wrong because he loves me. I do talk, but somehow I feel in the wrong and when I relay this to him he seems to get a bit defensive or apologetic depending on what it is we’ve discussed. Generally if it’s to do with my boys and behaviour the he fights me and he’s always right and I feel stupid then. Anything else then if I challenge it he backs down and apologises??

 

He has commented on the way I dress saying that I look young (I think that it’s a good thing I look younger than I am) but said he feels like when we’re out people may think he’s my dad (he’s 49 this year, but doesn’t look it). I like to dress casually jeans, plimsolls, trainers, hoodie/jumper etc.. I like to dress up when I go out not all the flipping time!!

 

So on to my BF and my parents.. I really don’t think he likes my dad because he feels threatened.. He tells me my dad seems to hang around too long before they go home, that he fusses over me and my boys too much, that he’s not good at managing my boys behaviour and should be firmer and that I should be telling him what to do/not do re my boys.. He seemingly finds a lot of faults in my dad.. I love my dad and I feel torn, my dad has been there for me through thick and thin, by my side, not telling me what to do but offering advice and supporting my choices and decisions.. I feel that I am being encouraged to shut my dad and mum out, like he has shut his own out L

 

As for parenting… I’m doing the best I can, given my present circumstances. I’m currently attending the Triple P program and have a family support worker helping me with my children and i..

 

I welcomed my BF into my home and our lives and now I’m feeling unsure of my actions.. My BF wanted to sit down on the sofa and my LO toys were spread on it so he moved them to sit down and my LO told him to leave his toys alone. My BF mentioned that my LO was playing on the floor so he can move the toys and sit down. LO told him the other sofa was free which it was. BF decided he wasn’t going to back down and told my LO if he didn’t get off the sofa then he’d move him and the toys, which he proceeded to do, grabbing my LO by the waist and moving him then the toys. LO got upset, I got upset, it all escalated with LO storming upstairs, me following him up to my room to cry and my BF following me to tell me to leave my LO alone coz he’ll never learn who’s in control otherwise.. I proceeded to calm everything down and later on my BF said that he wasn’t going to back down as he’s come here with a clean sheet, hes not going to have my children control him like they control me when he can start fresh and go on as he means to coz then at least one of us won’t be pushed around..

 

On a time previous to this my LO was teasing my BF with a toy lighter that emits electric shocks.. My BF later told me that he felt cross that I hadn’t noticed that he was getting cross and fed up with my LO and that I should have stopped my LO saying he struggled to hold back and not jump in for fear of upsetting me. I felt upset anyway because I felt told off by my BF..

 

Around the same time as the lighter incident, my LO had called my BF an idiot for some reason. I saw my BF go in towards my LO to say something in his ear and my LO told him he didn’t care. He later told me that my children have no respect for adults and that they walk all over me yet I do nothing.. He said if it were his children he’d have sent them to their room straight away..

 

Recently we went to the beach.. My BF was teasing both my boys and complaining that my boys don’t share and always find things unfair. My oldest had set the rules for a game they were playing and my BF broke the rules (teasing) and my oldest became cross. My LO then dumped stones on my BF coz my BF had put stones in my LO pockets and then my BF told him that was enough yet he was the one that had started the teasing. My boys and I then all sat their grumpy and sad and my BF was like ‘oh god so now ever one is grumpy, I can’t believe this it’s just so silly’.. I just felt awful hence the rest of the day wasn’t so good either..

 

When I have spoken about the Triple P prog to my BF, he didn’t seem that impressed and suggested that all I needed was to be firmer with my boys.. He said that he doesn’t really know why I’m questioning my LO abilities at school (he’s struggling academically) and says that my LO is more than likely just seeking attention, being awkward or just lazy..

 

It was an incident last night that made me start to think back over all this and realise that I have been backing down as oppose to stating my own beliefs and opinions.. I pre-empted a behaviour and distracted it re my LO and when we arrived home, it was yet another thing my BF had to complain about along with the previous complaint earlier in the day re when LO couldn’t decide if he wanted to go to Karate or not.. My BF also said that I should imagine my LO as an 18 year old and how he would be then if I don’t stamp on it now, adding that he is just trying to help me see where I am going wrong…

 

So, I have removed my rose tinted glasses and realise I should have stood up to him, stopped be so ‘lovely’ and stood my own ground… I now know that I need to sit down with my BF and really talk.. If he says he loves/likes me and cares about me (and my children) as much as he tells me, then he will hear what I’m saying, I realise it won’t change overnight, but if he’s really listening to me then he will work with me and things can improve... Saying that, if he does work with me, then I need to be sure that I continue to talk and stand my ground… I guess his response(s) will determine my reaction as to where this relationship goes as much as where he sees it going..

 

Silly question I know, but how do I initiate the conversation seeing as I’ve held back so much through fear of talking and voicing how I feel? (I’ve feared talking because each incident that has occurred I have felt knocked down if that makes sense)..

 

I’d really appreciate your views and advice.. One Space is the only place where I feel I can talk.. Please accept my apologies for the length of the post, but I needed to let things out and I’ve felt I can’t talk to anyone..

 

Thanks for listening/reading xxx

 

Well done Sparkling :-) I do need to find my voice and like your good self i struggle to do so through fear of making him cross or hurting him even, like with my ex partner, but then i'm the one hurting and feeling cross.. I wish it didn't take me so long, but for me things build up a bit at a time and then whereas i should just say something i struggle to find the words to express how i feel.. 

I can understand why you feel insecure and its great to hear that you voiced to your partner what you feel and its good that hes listened and heard you too and cares and loves you enough to find common ground on the issue :-) I'm pleased to hear your working things out..

Courage to say what I need to is what i need to find right now :-( And your right, it's better a relationship fail having been honest, rather than plod on, one in fear of voicing what is bothering them.

Like you though Sparkling, I too think as we get older we do deserve to be content with life?  But I too am finding it hard.. instead of accepting what a lovely man I have met... and we're not all perfect, but communication is key.. Why i find it so hard when with a partner i don't know?

sergiozed, thank you.. yes your right, i feel none of my needs are being met positively or supportively at the moment and i'm the one allowing that to happen. I think i perhaps could mention to him about how he is doing what his dad did to him to me.. He needs to be aware of it and maybe he is not aware at the moment and unless i say then he'll just continue thinking all is fine.. I have thought of relaying some of what i have said on here, but i feel he may get cross with me if i go back to things that have happened that were a while back, it may upset him too. I guess thats his choice how he reacts and his reaction i guess will determine what happens as far as our relationship goes..

xxx

Sally, this is what scares me.. i've been here before with my last partner although i didn't see it until we were 4 years or so into the relationship re the chidren, him always being right and wishing to be in control of everything.. I'm 5 months into this relationship and i feel so stupid and very unsure already..He declared his love within a month and i felt i had to say i love him back.. I'm not sure i really feel in love, i feel a bit confused, i like him alot or i did, id on't really know now that i've suddnely seen things from a different point of view :-( Within 2 months he was saying how he wants us to be long term, and was talking of the future and moving in etc of not wanting anyone else but me because hes never felt the way he does about anyone when hes with me.. I'll be very honest, it freaks me out.. He was drunk on Saturday eve just gone, over the top drunk and i've not seen that before. One minute he was all giggles and smiling, tripping in the door etc. When we got to bed, his mood had swung dramatically, he became sad and withdrawn and almost cross and then he started crying and i mean sobbing. I went in to comfort him and he pushed me away saying that i just don't understand.. I felt scared and i told him so and then he got cross at me asking why i was angry, i'd no need to be afraid because hes not scary or hurting me. He got really agitated and kept going on and on at me about how i don't understand how much he loves me and how hes never felt like it before with anyone, sobbing and getting in a right state. The more he went on, the more afraid i felt and embarrassed too. I didn't really sleep that night, he eventually calmed down and slept and apologised (after i'd told him how i'd felt) the next day saying he won't get that drunk again (having the previous night said that he can't promise he won't get that drunk again??).. Then the Sunday/Monday he kept picking fault in my parenting as i said in my above post :-(

I'm now starting to feel like i felt in my last relationship and this last weekend has made me take stock and actually think.. I have tried to talk to him about how i feel and he has asked if i'm comparing him to my ex (he knows what my ex was like). He keeps saying that he would never hurt me because i'm so lovely and coz he could never risk losing me.

He constantly refers back to one of his long term relationships where he was with a lady who had two children. He said when he was there with her, he had to deal with the behaviour of her daughter as the lady couldn't because was too soft.. He then tells me that the lady (he's still friends with her) texted to say her daughter was calling her new man a moron. My BF said that if i don't sort things out now then i'll be like that and asked me is that what i want! He followed it up by saying that he's here to help. The other thing he mentioned and mentions alot is when he says hes spoken to his friends about me/my boys he alwyas classes my LO as a pain and my oldest as the easy one..

Just based on how he is re my children, i'm thinking, i don't want this relationship.. Guess i won't know until i tell him how i feel..

xx

I'm trying so very hard to pluck up the courage to talk to him about this, but there's so much to say, so much that stands out, so much i appear to have held back.. He's going to think/ask why i haven't spoken up sooner, hes always on about communication is very important in a relationship.. I know that, i just struggle to voive the really difficult stuff.. When hes asked am i happy, i say yes, when obviously i'm not, when he asks if i'm ok, i say yes, when i'm not.. When i've tried to speak about how i felt about all of the above things that i mentioned, i get very upset, angry, emtional all rolled into one, he says he can't understand why i get so upset and doesn't understand what all the tears are about. Once i'm calm again i then think more logically why i was so upset and try to re explain and i usually apologise for being so emotional to which he says i've no need to say sorry, its all ok.

I need to talk to him and i really don't feel so good x x

Feeling really low today.. Talked last night to him.

He could sense something was wrong. He waited until my parents had gone and then sat with the newspaper in his lap, sighing and giving one word answers and coming across as pretty miserable..

Earlier on in the evening he had asked if he could have a bottle of cider that was in the fridge, a bottle that had been sat in there for weeks, since xmas if i'm honest. I said 'no' because i wanted it for myself at some point even though i knew that its been sat in there a while. He said that if he could drink it then he'd replace it, but i still said no.. Guess i was just trying to stand my ground on something..

Anyway, when my parents had left, he came out and said, 'i felt really hurt this evening, you hurt me'. I instantly felt anger and came out with 'what have i done wrong now!!', he then said he wouldn't tell me coz it would just make me angry, so i said 'fine, don't say anything'. Eventually he came out with 'i asked you for that cider this evening and you said no.. it surprised me.. when you come to my house you welcome to have whatever you please, but i ask for a cider and you say no.. that really hurt me. Why did you say no?', i told him that i said no because i wanted it for myself at some point, it is my drink.. He replys 'oh, i get it now' he was implying that it is where my kids get there 'its mine i don't want to share it with you attitude' and admitted this.. Well that just angered me even more.. so out came all the rest that i mentioned in my post (apart from the orgasm bit and him going on about all his exe's etc)..

He apologised re the sofa incident saying he just wanted to make a point (later on he returned to this asking me 'so you not letting me have the cider and all this you've told me this eve is to test me, just like LO tests me?' I again saw this as implying that my LO is like me, he tests people to their limit, so he sees it as where my LO gets it from.. well thats i i see what hes saying as??).. So anyway he apologised and said yes he could of used the other sofa, but that he didn't hurt my son in any way or form..

Re the beach, he told me that he was faced with my LO about to throw a bucket of sand in his face, so he told my LO 'thats enough, stop'.. i didn't see this bit, so i can understand when faced with a bucket of sand in the face, you say something..

I tried to talk about the other things, but i was then feeling a bit emotional and holding back tears, but also feeling ever more angry... So i ended up blurting out that, i know i'm a rubbish cook (he didn't eat hardly any of the meal i cooked him last night and hovered the whole time in the kitchen watching me prepare and cook it).. He said he just didn't like the ingredients and said that i had probably not chosen the best recipe.. (i was fuming by now)

Next i came out with, i feel smothered and i feel like my future has been mapped out.. He said that my future isn't mapped out, that he'd never consider marriage unless he'd been with someone a long long time. And as for moving in together, its not something he'd want to do until my boys are much older as we had discussed if i remember.. He said 'i told you i saw us being long term, and you agreed' (yes, admittedly i did in my rose tinted specs :-() I said that no one ever knows how long term something is as people and feelings change over the years..

So, all in all, not a very constructive conversation.. was heated, but got no one anywhere... He sent a message this morning to me.. 'morning honey, how are you feeling today? hope you are ok? i'm feeling low and a bit worried about us, i don't understand it at all, but i know you are very important to me. I suppose i feel a bit helpless at the mo'.. I don't know why but i replied saying i'm sorry hes feeling rubbish, and that he doesn't understand, and that it prob didn't make much sense coz i was feeling pretty angry and when angry all things just pour out. told him i felt miserable too.. to which he replied 'i don't want you to be miserable' ???

He also asked me why i don't say anything at the time these things happen.. I couldn't answer that as i don't know why i don't say anything, afraid, scared maybe, i don't know.. He said he'd rather me get angry at him or cry that he would have me come away think and then leave him stewing or me come away bottle it up and blurt it out.. Says he is now afraid to talk or do anything... i honestly thought, welcome to my world!

So.. Ever more confused now, but somehow feel that its all my fault a) because i don't speak up, and b) because i don't parent my kids very well... and c) just because i feel its all my fault :-(

xx

So i sent the letter and hes the response, and your right, i feel no better for having sent it and discussed it with him...

When he had read the letter he said he was feeling hurt by some things and upset by others..

I spoke to my parent support worker today, I told them that I felt I handled everything disastrously last night.. I told her that I started out talking, or trying to talk about the boys and behaviour/parenting but ended up throwing a lot of other stuff at you out of anger and frustration of not being able to help you to understand why I felt so wound up.. I’ve tried to explain here how I feel, I’m not throwing accusations, I’m not trying to cause hurt or pain, I’m not trying to change you in any way or form, not at all, I’m just trying to share with you what’s going on in my mind, how I feel, and trying to help you to understand those feelings, which have surfaced because of past experiences, just as you share your feelings with me..

LO is hard work. I’m making no excuses for the fact he can be a pain in the rear end and I have perhaps contributed towards that and I have also recognised things are difficult hence seeking help.. Please also bear in mind, my boys have had two upheavals, one they may not ever remember but have grown to find out about as I won’t lie to them why their dad is not with us. The other is moving in with my ex and moving out/splitting up with my ex. LO has had a dad who’s been there, but not there for him, he’s had my ex who was there but not there for him. He struggles with that just as much as you struggled with, and still struggle with, the fact your dad picked on and criticised you and look at your behaviour towards him.. If LO is not sure his behaviour will represent that until he can see otherwise.. To him you may just be another like daddy or my ex until he decides otherwise. He denies this is the case with Liam and said that all children know how it is these days with lots of children without dads living at home.. He says that Liam will never decide..

I spoke about how I felt when you moved LO and his toys off the sofa.. the other sofa was free and being as you are new in the boys lives, the best option for you was to seat yourself there, therefore avoiding what actually happened. I don’t’ really feel it was about you teaching him anything or dealing with a behaviour, to me it came across more like – I’m the adult, you’re the child, I’ll show you how this should be managed Sarah because then you can see what it means to be firm with children.. I don’t feel the need to be shown, I know how things are hence family support from a support worker for the last year and my attendance the parenting course.. I’m trying to raise my confidence and improve my parenting skills. He said he can't decide if hes right or wrong on this one, but feels he was right to do what he did and then appologised anyway..

I felt really hurt when you mention having a clean sheet as I felt like you were saying I’m right, your wrong.. You may well have a clean sheet as far as my boys go which is good for you, you have the chance to develop a relationship with them. We’ve welcomed you into our family, into my boys lives.. This is the way I parent at present and I have and will always try to do better to improve things should I feel I’m finding something difficult or a behaviour is present, I’m always learning and trying hard to be a good parent.. I feel hurt and inadequate each time I am picked up on something by you and told that ‘I SHOULD have done..’ or ‘If they were my two, I would have..’, or ‘Why do you still do that – say darling/poppet, read them stories etc..’ I love my children I talk to them the way I do because I love them, it’s not words I’ll use forever as they will grow up.. As long as they wish me to read to them I shall because we all enjoy that time and that too will disappear one day, I realise that so I am making the most of it now, and I don’t feel I’m holding them back in any way… I feel hurt by comments such as ‘what do you think is going to happen when they’re 18’ and then hearing of stories of your exes daughter.. It doesn’t feel at all supportive, helpful, confidence boosting or positive and I therefore begin to feel angry.. You may have done things differently when raising your children but that doesn’t mean I should be raising my children the same way.. I am doing what feels right for me, albeit a huge learning curve and I’m happy to ride it and find what works for me… I would really appreciate your support in what I chose to do, as oppose to the added pressure of what you feel is perhaps right or wrong and what I should be doing.. If you feel threatened by either of them e.g. sand in the face, knife on the knee, or someone is in danger of getting hurt, you tell them to stop I understand that and I feel ok with that.. I would feel happier and grateful too, if you would take the time to read through the parenting course book with me and look at the strategies I am looking to implement, I will use some but not all. You may disagree with them, but until I try I won’t know.. but it’s what I wish to do and I would welcome your support.. If you decide that it’s not for you, or you find my children’s behaviour that unacceptable, then that’s for you to decide.. He said he is lucky to have a clean sheet and be able to come in and back me up.. and he didn't mean anything re me calling them poppet etc and readding to them he just wondered why i still did.. He went on about distraction not being a good way to deal with behaviour and would love the opportunity to ask my parent advisor how she thinks this is a good thing..

My dad is my dad, he will do as he does, and be as he is, I can’t change him but I’ve learnt to accept him as he is. If I ask him to do something differently he will, he will support me, as will my mum (after I tell her a hundred and one times) .. I love my dad and I feel torn, between you and him because I love you both (obviously in different ways).. My dad has been there for me through thick and thin, by my side, not telling me what to do but offering advice and supporting my choices and decisions and offering help where he can.. As with all grandparents, they have funny names and sayings for their grandkids, that’s how it is and that’s how my grandparents were with me.. No like me, he’s not firm, but I know if I tell him of what I want to do, he will follow it through. Yes I get frustrated with him, he’s my dad, sometimes I like him on occasions I don’t, it just hurts to feel that you perhaps don’t feel you can get on with him.. and hurts to think that I would need to keep things separate so that I can continue to love you both and enjoy your companies... He said he meant that he thought my dad thinks he is a threat to him by coming into my life because my dad is the one stable thing the boys have apart from me.. Said he doesn't mind us all spending time together but would admittedly prefer it to be the boys and us or even better just me and him..

I feel upset when I am asked out by a friend to the cinema or for a drink, because I feel that I may be offending you?.. I love being with you and doing things together and spending as much time as we are able to together, but I also miss being able to nip off to the cinema with a mate or hit the town for a girls night. It’s not like I was out every weekend when I was alone, more like once a month if I was lucky because we all have the children/childcare to juggle.. I appreciate that when you’re on your own, it may be lonely at times, but you are lucky to have the freedom to up and out as you please. Please bear a thought for me, my boys are at their dads every other weekend, my parents come over on a weds eve, and yes they would on other eves, but they have a life too and childcare costs money.. I want to spend time with you but I also need to feel that you’re comfortable with me having a night out with a mate or with the girls here and there without you feeling that I’m deserting you or not wanting to be with you.. I need time to be me away from being mum, partner, daughter and I feel a better person to be with for it.. He said he doesn't mind me going out on the odd occasion with my froends on an eve we would be spending time together but that he would feel disappointed that we are not together for that eve as it would be me going out in our time.. Says he organises his time out with friends around me and 'our' time and that he feels i should try to do the same.. but that he won't stop me from going out..

I feel quite self-conscious.. and inadequate when you’ve spoken about how you’ve pleased other women in bed, how they’ve responded to you, whether they’ve orgasmed or not as I find myself striving to live up to how someone else was for you, as oppose to pleasing you and myself and enjoying and being swept up in what’s happening between us... I felt ok with hearing you saying these things about others initially, and though it comes into conversation less frequently now, I find myself getting uptight and feeling pretty useless when I hear it.. I felt/feel uncomfortable trying to explain myself re past partners, I want to work on and enjoy what we have.. I would feel more comfortable and relaxed if we were to read or watch things together with a view to trying them within the context of a sexual relationship so that it is very much about us.. I would feel more confident telling you what I like without feeling like I need to match up to past partners and what they/you achieved.. He didn't really answer this one or dicuss it much as he thought everything was/is ok..

I felt hurt (and I did explain why) when you told me I looked too young with the way I dress sometimes.. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you told me you don’t wish to change me. Casual gear is what I like, I love to dress up and impress you, turn you on and because I want to look good when we go out, but I also like to dress down.. I dress to feel good about myself.. I’m sorry if it makes you feel embarrassed when your with me and I’m ‘dressed young’ I do feel I make an effort when I need to.. If you want a classy lady who’s happy to address her appearance 24/7, more than she’s happiest trying to enjoy all she can in life, then you need to go find her.. But if you love me then please accept me as I am.. He said that he doesn't have a problem with what i wear but that it makes sense to dress for the occasion eg, for me not to wear my bright pink cut off trousers and a vest top to go for a walk in long melford high street and lunch in the pub. He said he makes an effort for me and that i should feel ok to tell him if i think he looks silly in something or shouldn't wear it. He said he wouldn't feel offended if i told him that i prefered one pair of his shorts to another or one shirt to another. He added that he always complements how lovely i look when we go out and i dress up/make an effort..

And that was that, followed by are we all ok, goodnight etc.. And this morning a message saying.. Morning honey, hope you slept well.. Are you ok?

 

I really struggled to talk to my BF last night, I didn’t really feel like talking to him and he sensed it.. He asked if my feelings have changed for him and I told him I felt unsure about us.. He immediately came back asking how can you feelings change so quickly, as week you were saying how much you loved me, and words could not express that?? This week you’ve gone cold.. I don’t understand why my feelings have changed so quickly, I just know how I feel.. It’s probably coz I feel that there’s always something wrong, always something I’ve done/not done or should have done but didn’t.. I said that things that happened Monday and Weds didn’t help.. He said he thought we’d talked it all through and sorted it out last night.. He’s asking what he can do, what do I want him to do to make it better, coz he doesn’t want to lose me coz we have something special.. Thing is over the last 5 months I’ve questioned things, but thought he was being helpful coz he cares and he truly believes that..

It’s good that he is able to voice what’s bothering him, but it seems that it’s all about he wants to see happen and when i try to tell him how i'm feeling about what hes said about how hes feeling i always seem to end up feeling at fault.. I sit and think, ok I can try that, I can compromise, but there’s constantly something that bothers him about what i do or have done..and is usualyy to do with the boys or with sex.. I guess I’ve not said anything coz I feel a bit trapped for want of a better word, so I keep quiet, try harder to make it better, change myself and my ways and then feel worse for it.. Trouble is if he or she does what the other wants him/her to do because they don’t want to lose the other, then they’re changing because of the other, because they’re afraid, not because they want to change for want of being a better self for it, if that makes sense..

I realise i'm not getting my needs met but that i am meeting all his needs, hes not lonely, hes found what he thinks is perfect, he sees a future, etc.. As for me i feel unsupported due to constant criticism or something being wrong/something he doesn't like, i feel judged for my parenting skills, cooking skills (or lack of), to satify him sexually i need to orgasm all the time and tell him how i'm feeling throughout, it all feels so wrong.

So the thing is, i'm seeing him this evening, i know he is not right for me yet i am thinking 'maybe i just need to get him to back off a bit, i need less time with him then maybe i won't feel so pressured or smothered', but i also realise that he will question that and will pressure me to think otherwise..

I'm sorry to go on, but how do i tell him i think i want out and try to explain why i want out because he really can't understand why i have suddenly turned... I know why i have - too much pressure, a difference in opinion towards parenting, and too much that i do wrong in his eyes..

I feel so down, my sleep is suffering, i woke at 4/5am the last few days and i'm struggling to get to sleep in the first place and i'm not being the best mum i can be for my boys in this state:-( xx

I was just talking to my friend this evening about things.. I think also, its all been so very quick and i felt swept off my feet.. I run around all week looking after the children, the house, running errands, work, shopping etc and theres no time left for me, and when i mean me, i mean just me all on my own. All my spare time is spent with BF and i want space.. Anyways.. off out in a while to meet him to go see this band.. will see what happens, though i'm not exactly feeling on top of the world righ now.. Its def not long term for me, i've figured that out now, i'm just not at all ready for it and i guess thats whats driving me too at the moment xx

 

Hi everyone, thank you for asking how i am and sorry i've not replied until now..

I'm sort of okay but still battling on, which is stupid i know.. Since the letter and the chat about the letter, BF thought all was ok and sorted, for him anyway.. When i went to meet him for the band, i ended up just picking him up and heading off to the band. I'd stalled all afternoon, having a bath, enjoying tea by myself, taking my time to get ready to go out.. When i got to his, he wanted to talk again, he said he has not been sleeping or eating very well and has lost weight due to worring about us and feeling realy low about it all.. I told him i needed more space, more time to do things alone and with my boys etc, that its all gone far to quickly and is intense.. He said hes never stopped me doing anything i want to do, that i can have as much space as i need and that its not really intense as hes quite a laid back person.. We went to see the band and i spent the night sitting down, looking pretty, he was proud to have me by his side and show me off, i had no one to talk to an i was bored of the band and felt miserable and he spent the eve drinking, nattering and dancing.. When we got home i went to bed and didn't feel like making love, but felt i ought to even when he asked me if i wanted to or not :-(..

Next day i felt even more miserable and was very quiet. We spent most of the day talking, a good two or three hours.. I repeated how i felt and we basically discussed all that was in the letter, plus my need for space and time to myself and to see my friends.. When then went off to Music in the Park for the afternoon.. All his firends were there, he nattered away and i pretty much sat quietly the whole time, just as i was about to go off for a walk he returned from dancing with his friends (i'd declined dancing) and asked if i was going to have asked him to come for a walk so i felt obliged to say yes and he walked with me.. I then began to feel close to him again for some reason, probably because i was then off home, leaving him drinking and dancing with his friends for the evening.. The following day was nice, we went out for a picnic and chatted more about my boys, i was asking how he dealt with his childrens behaviour.. When we arrived back at mine, my parents were round and my BF stayed for the rest of the eve before leaving to go home.. He then came over again on the Weds eve which i found stressful as i'd had a hard day with my LO and also ended up having a tough eve with him too at bedtime, he didn't settle until 10.30/11pm and my BF was left alone downstairs. When i got down, BF was again trying to 'offer his advice' which made things worse..

So we have the weekend just gone and today.. He spent Sat eve with my boys and i at a friends 40th, he appeared miserable towards the end of the eve, he looked fed up and wasn't talking a great deal.. Sunday, he spent the day at mine. He cooked a roast and my LO was saying he didn't want it, or like it and that his dads roast was better.. Under his breath my BF said, 'well i'm not your (swear word) dad', that upset me but i left it as things were tense enough already.. My LO detriated during the eve and we had another naff bedtime :-( BF and i went to bed and though i didn't feel like it we made love.. He then said - your so quiet, you never tell me if i'm good or not, am i a good lover, what makes me a bad lover... - at 12pm these are questions i really didn't need so i declined to answer and he copped a strop.. This morning i had more probs with my LO.. A little later on he said - you have not had anytime for me, i feel really low because you've not had much time for me this weekend', 'i'm not blaming you its not your fault'...???

 

Sorry, needed this out of my system and to type it down helps... He is more deeply in love with me than i am with him, i like him, i love his company and i care about him (hence i've still tried hard with him), but he is too intense far too soon and it feels like i've been with him for years not months, which is whyit feels much like my last relationship. I don't need a man to complete me, i like company and companionship but i don't want or need clingy, needy or controlling etc...

Sorry i've not listened. My gut instinct has been telling me for the last 3 weeks - RUN! I my gut knows before my head, perhaps thats why i've been feeling sick and dizzy?? yet i'm still ignoring it.. Why?? I guess the fear of pain and hurting him.. Why do i do this to myself and why do i find it so hard to walk away.. Why do i just lay down and take it, allow myself to be sucked in and sucked dry?? I know i need and want out, but why am i stopping myself from doing so?

Sorry xx

 

I'm so sorry, i feel like i'm going a little crazy this evening.. :-(

I've been home with my boys, doing my thing at my leisure,chatting to a friend at my LO karate class, and without the company of my BF for the last 5 hours.. I feel ok, strangely calm, but really really confused.. I can't understand why i'm missing my BF?? When i was with him Sat eve, Sunday and today i was counting down the hours and minutes until i would be just me again with my boys, i couldn't wait for him to go home.. Now i'm not with him, i miss him for a few hours then i'm fine and hardly think about missing him.. On weekends when it's just BF and I(sat eve/sunday) I'm counting down the hours and minutes by Sunday morning, looking fwd to being with my boys.. probably because BF spends the morning lying in bed after having drunk so much the eve before, whereas i want to be up and out or doing something and making the most of the day.. but then I miss BF when i get home and then after a few hours i'm fine again and hardly think about missing him.. I don't really look fwd to chatting to him every evening, we're on the phone for an hour or so (usually at around 10pm i'll call once i've managed to settle my LO, if i'm lucky) and i'll be very honest, half the time i'm not really listening as i feel tired or want to be reading my book or something.. We're on the phone every evening..

Its crazy, i miss him, i don't miss him.. I don't really think i'm in love with him, but i love his company but not all the time.. I spent so long in my last relationship feeling smothered and i'm kind of feeling that now with my BF..

I feel uncomfortable when he asks questions (on a regular basis) such as - are you proud of me? do you love me? do i annoy you? what are you thinking? are we ok? Are you going to leave me? are you still having a wobble?

Its not right is it, this realationship? I wasn't ready for it.. but then i question myself with the fact - if i end this am i throwing away something good..

I'm at a loss and it hurts and i'm hurting him too by being so unsure :-( xx