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I have just had a "delightful" discussion with my ex-husband about the amount of maintenence he pays (£10 per week) and what he expects me to do with that. He is of the belief that the CSA have been getting it wrong for years and as he only earns £100 per month he can not afford the £60 they think he should pay. He has 2 step-children and 2 biological children and does recieve WFT credit like me. I would just like to know the truth so here is some of the questions I asked him, which he could not answer...This discussion included me moving away and how I will apparently have to pay his travel costs to see his daughter. When I relocated to a new county will I have to foot the bill of travel for my daughter to see her father? how are step-children included in the calculation of maintenence? is it against the law not to use the CSA when dealing with maintenence? I am pulling my hair out with this man. I thought fathers where supposed to care for their children emotionally and financially... or did I miss something?
Thanks Tinkerbell. I know this really, he just boggles my brain when he is shouting and spitting in my face and swearing at me in my own home. (he will not step over the door again) I knew he was lying cos his lips were moving! He is on the birth certificate and we where married when she was 11 mths. 2001. He is just p*ssed cos I have to move away. I have to find a better life for myself and my daughter, I have lost everything... home/job/mind and need a fresh start away. I have some very great friends and they have supported me through this terrible time. Even his mother has steped in financially... which he should want to do. I am just sick of hearing "I have other children to think about and pay for" He decided to have other children not me. What about him saying that the 2 step-children are included in the calculation for maintenence?
I'm not sure about the step-children as I do not have this problem...my daughters father has used the "I'm about to have another baby so money is right" line, as I said to him "if your old enough to put your p***s in a woman then you are old enough to take responsibilty for what comes out of her" if he can't afford to look after the children he already has then he should use protection! A child should not start going without just because their father/mother is not responsible and has several children .
I'm not sure of your situation but I would not let him though the door ever again if he treats you that way, what is he like as a father?
Its very hard starting over and moving , can also feel very lonely but you have to do what's best for yourself & child, so good to hear that you have so much support :)
It will be hard to move as I have been in the same area for 10years now, but I know it is for the greater good and I will atleast know one family. We make friends quite easliy and my daughter will have 1 friend at school.
As for him, he scuttled off very quickly when he brought back my daughter. Nothing else to say apparently. I have had issues with his parenting skills and his new family, since we have been divorced so he is limited to where he can and can not take her when they are out. Thanks for reading and your responces as I sometimes feel very isolated and alone when it comes to him. Sad as it sounds :(
I find this site a great place to let out my feelings, feel free to post anytime as everyone on his is so great at advice and friendly.....best of luck to you x
thank you I will. There seems to be a few sad stories some funny stories and some enlightening stories to inspire. I hope to read them all at some point :)
Hello 28hef
You are very welcome here. Parenting alone can be challenging and lonely at times, which is why we are all on here, helping each other along and discussing and sharing stuff. I see that Tinkerbell 2 has been having a good chat with you.
She is right, that moving abroad needs the other parent's permission but moving elsewhere in this country does not. He could take a legal action to try and stop you but this is really unlikely to happen and even less likely to be granted. You are not responsible for his travel costs but if his maintenance is calculated through the CSA, they make an allowance for his costs and reduce the maintenance accordingly.
You can get the very best information about the CSA and related matters from our Child Support Expert, click here to email her and let us know how you get on.
How old are your children?
Thanks Louise, I will enjoy looking through this site. My daughter is 12 and I have been divorced for 7 years so things should be better now we all have had a chance to get used to the situation but it seems to rock the boat when he desides to have another baby/his partner desides to get involved or he just fancies a strop. I will send a message to your expert and see what info I can get. I will update as and when. No doubt I will be back with another round or torment. I needed this 7 years ago but I am happy I have found you now. :)
And you are very welcome here!! 
Hi 28hef,
Stroppy ex's are a pain in the neck, I think you're right about not letting him in your house anymore.
When are you planning your move?
'Hi pancakequeen, (love the name) STROPPY doesn't quite cover it! my nearly teen is stroppy. He is something else. I don't quite know where he gets his info from but he just seems to get it sooooo wrong. I'm moving from Tyneside to North Yorkshire. Not quite the other side of the world but it could have been the bottom of the country if other plans had not fallen into place. It's 2 hours drive or a reasonable train ticket away. It takes him 2 hours to get here from the other side of tyneside.
He has stooped to telling my daughter stories about me from before she was born. How "I held a knife to his throat" she was mortified to say the least. Just another mess I had to clean up and fill her in on the facts that come with his little stories. LIKE we had been arguing for 2 hours and I just wanted it to stop and get away from him. I had tried to walk away and lock myself in other rooms but he just broke the door down and punched holes in walls. I went to start tea and was pealing potatoes sobbing for him to leave me alone and I turn with a potatoe and the pealing knife in my hands, begging him to leave me alone. He will try anything to be the victim in any situation.
I am going to hold on to my "silver bullet" factual with evidence story if he tries it again. YES this is blackmail and manipulation and could be taken as a abusive relationship. But we can both play that game.
Hello 28hef, that is ridiculous that he is telling those stories to your daughter. When you talk to her about it all, how do you go about that? It must be quite difficult not to let your frustration and indignation show! whereas what your daughter needs is a calm mum saying "oh dear that is all made up, he does like to embroider things, what happened was......"
Do you still think the relationship between you is abusive? It is worth getting this ironed out now as it is not good for your daughter to be stuck in the middle of it all. Maybe rather than engaging in it, there could be a better way for you to cope so it is not so stressful? If you could tell us a bit more about the situation then perhaps we can suggest something.
Hi 28hef,
What an awful thing for your ex to do. I hope you're daughter was reassured by your explanation.
When is your move planned for?
She asked why he would do a thing like that. "not leave me alone" and "not tell the whole story". I am not making excuses for him anymore so I just told her that I don't know. I hope this does not worry her more than she already does.
I don't have a moving date as yet, still waiting on the eviction order. I have been waiting for this order for 5 weeks, from when the reposession order expired. 
I think thats the best thing to do. You don't know why (you could probably hazard a guess I'm sure but that would still be you're opinion!) so all you can do is say that and be there for her.
Sounds like the move is quite intense, do you have a place to move to?
Not yet. I will not get a council place in 14 days and I'm at the bottom of the list without the eviction notice. I will be stopping with a friend, the only friend with space, in Scarborough. I have great friends in Tyneside but they only have room for their own families. My cat will either go to a friend on a short term basis or have to be rehoused perminently. I don't know yet. It is hard to plan anything when you can't actually move forward.
Hi 28hef, it is hard to plan anything when you can't actually move forward isn't it.
From my own experience, I would be careful of how much you tell your daughter about her fathers behaviour. You can tell her he is exaggerating and that is not how you behave, but the fact that he put holes in walls and you were hiding in other rooms, can fill her head with all sorts of scary scenes (you know how youngsters imaginations can go wild!)
You don't want her to grow up with a fear of her father, that is second hand. Also you don't want her finding it difficult to sleep because her head is in a whirl. I know she is 12 and seems grown up enough, but keep her away from this as much as possible if you can.
I hope you get to keep your cat
Hi 28hef,
I guess the not knowing is hard and like you said it makes it difficult to plan.
This is good place to let out your frustrations....sending you a big hug
Do you have any plans for the weekend 28hef?
Hi Anna, I have a plan to take my daughter out for the day, maybe the metrocentre or town. We will be have lunch out and find things for school. I might not know which school she will be going to but she will always need shoes and pants. Sunday is PJ day so might watch session 3 of Dr Who all day :)
Also I have not been ignoring anyone, I have just had a stressful few days. I am at my wits end.
Hello 28hef
No-one thinks you are ignoring them, you can pop in here whenever you like and we know that sometomes you will be busy with other things. Good luck with the shopping trip....shoes, eek, the shoe shops are always buzzing, sometimes they have one of those systems where you take a numbered ticket, and then you have your young lady to deal with!
When are you moving to your friend's house, is it all settled?
Hello 28hef......first you do NOT have to pay anything towards his travel but obv if your the one traveling then you will Need to pay your oWn fare.......each parents pays their own travel fees,
is father on birth ceft? If he is you need his permission to move to abother country.
Secondly when I was contacted by CSA after birth of my daughter they told me its better if I make a private payment agreement than go though the CSA, so to answer your question- no its not against the law
Hope this helps