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Hi,
Hello to those who don't know me, I used to post regularly a little while ago and can often be found generally lurking in the work related discussions. I'm having other difficulties at the moment though and thought I'd start a new thread to see if anyone else experiences the same or can offer any advice.
I used to always be a pretty self-confident fun loving person. The fun loving bit faded when I got divorced 5 years ago but I managed to keep some of my confidence and new situations / people didn't phase me, in fact I used to actually enjoy meeting new people. I suppose since i've been divorced my socialising has generally involved just taking my son to his various activities and parties etc, mixing with his friends Mums, and I'm quite happy in those places.
I have been seeing someone new since March and therefore been going out a bit more, I'm happy just doing low key stuff with my boyfrind - going round to his house or out for a pub meal for example. Last week however he invited me to an evening wedding reception as his partner - i walked in and pretty much had a private panic attack. I looked around and immediately felt completely inadequate, every one seemed super self confident and I couldn't bring myself to speak to anyone. I sat next to my boyfriend and really struggled all night, then made up an excuse that i needed to get back very early for the babysitter. I came home and thought about it and realised that i have been avoiding most adult social situations for a very long time and feel really intimidated by meeting new people - every woman i meet seems more confident and beautiful and make me feel very ordinary and dull and I can hardly bring myself to say as much as hello to another man. I just want to run away if someone new talks to me. Socially the only situations i am happy in are with very old friends, either at their house with no one new or at my house.
My boyfriend does little to improve my confidence - he never tells me i look nice and teases me quite a lot. I know that my confidence has to come from within although i am wondering about if he is good for me long term.
Has anyone experienced the same or can you offer any advice? anyone read any decent boooks about self esteeem / confidence / coping with new people???
thanks
pg
Hello pg
Thanks so much for starting this thread as I am sure a lot of people will be able to relate to it, whether they post a reply or not.
I agree that confidence comes from within but that to me does not mean that if you were super-confident about your looks as you are thinking, that you could waltz into any room of strangers and just feel fantastic. Imagine if you looked like Cheryl Cole...would that suddenly make you able to chat to all and sundry? Or do you think that because CC is beautiful that then she does not have to say a word and everyone would buzz round her? Now imagine you look like Jo Brand (I love JB but she has no pretensions to glamour) SHE is the one who could hold a conversation with anyone, not care if they did not engage and at the end of the social event, think to herself "It's not me; it's them" What I am saying is that whatever you look like, it is how you feel about yourself that matters,
I agree the boyfriend does not help matters. Now, we women do tend me be very sensitive about these things. You could say to him, in a calm way "I find it difficult to cope with your teasing; I need you to help me build up my confidence" But my guess is he will say "Durrr I was only joking" and not get what you mean. Ultimately I think that he should make you feel beautiful even if you were wearing an old coal sack and my experience of successful relationships is that you each BOOST each other, not undermine. I know a couple whose stock in trade is put downs and every time I see them I think "I would not marry a man like that" because bascically it is just disrespectful.
So what can you do? You might decide you just don't want to go to these events. You might decide that it is indeed part of a wider problem and you want to feel more confident, but I urge you that if you decide that, it is not your looks alone that you concern yourself with. Have a look at our article about Self esteem
This is something you can work with a counsellor on. There aren't any quick fixes but One of the things I do with clients is to start them on a list of positive qualities they have and to think about those every day. Repeat to yourself, while in the shower or walking along "I am a worthwhile person" Remember, in an adult social situation, most people are thinking about themselves so if you do go into a group of unknown people then "notice" something about the person next to you, compliment them on their outfit, ask them how they know the host, or (and this is what I do) have a little funny story up your sleeve about something that happened that day "I never thought I was going to get here! i had a lovely outfit planned, and my son spilt......." The other person will then either reassure you about your current outfit or ask you about your son, you can ask them if they have children etc. Don't be afraid to say "I feel really awkward as I don't know anyone"
Remember you have such a lot to offer, you are a great mum, you are an intelligent woman and all your teaching experiences will give you lots to talk about. And don't forget that you have lots of dreams too and can talk about where you want to go with your life...but never forget that you have achieved a massive amount so be proud of yourself. Confidence is a fluctuating thing; no-one wakes up one morning and thinks "right, I am confident now" so keep feeding it, keep pushing the boundaries, and think very carefully about this chap, too
Hi Pq. As always Louise has written a great post. I'm useless myself in situations like yours last week. I don't have an ounce of self confidence, and no matter what I wear, what my hair looks like etc, I still feel 'poo' about myself. As Louise says though, you're an intelligent woman, and would find lots to talk about. As for your boyfriend, I do feel he should be saying how great you look, bumping your confidence up for you. Try telling him how you feel, and see what he says.
Hi pinkgrapefruit.
I don't really know what to say that hasn't been said.
Perhaps time to have a chat with your b/f over a coffee. You have so much to look forward to, and really, you don't need to be losing your confidence in yourself as someone can give you a compliment?
Loads of hugs.
Hi pg, thanks for this new thread. I used to feel very similar to yourself. The book that helped me was You can heal your life, by Louise Haye. Some people dont take to it, but I found it a godsend.
Personally, confidence comes from what we say to ourselves. If you think 'I look rubbish' then you are portraying that to the outside world. If you think 'I look fab in this outfit' then you exude that to other people.
So when you go to the shops, everything you try on, you must look in the mirror and say 'Wow! look at you pq....looking good!' (Even if you don't completely believe it, you will feel differently)
I know you have heard me say this before, but the book encourages you to say a couple of mantras of your choosing (and this is what really turned my life around).
I am in control of my life and I love and approve of myself - the book says repeat this 400/500 times a day for 3 days (I know it sounds hard, but you can do it). You certainly see the effects pretty rapidly!
I 100% agree with Louise that a partner should be boosting your self esteem. We need people in our lives that think we are fantastic, not play on our insecurities.
You have a lot going for you pq and don't let anyone tell you otherwise (and that includes yourself).
thanks everyone for the posts. I spoke to my bf about it all last night. He came round and actually prompted the conversation by saying he had noticed i hadn't been myself for the last week and he really wanted to know what was upsetting me. I ended up explaining how i felt at the wedding, my lack of self-confidence etc, he was fab, essentially said he had noticed my mood change but that my lack of confidence wasn't obvious or he would have never teased me. he spoke to me frankly about his feelings for me and how attractive he finds me (which i really needed to hear) and said that he is always thinking it but in the future will make sure he tells me it too :) I don't want to rely just on him for my confidence and will try that book you recommend Anna as well as generally thinking more positive but today i feel so much better just having heard it from my bf.
Thanks everyone, its hard isn't it when we have all taken so much on and had to deal with so many set backs to actually preserve our self confidence, glad i'm not alone though in being so hard on myself - will try to be kinder to myself and will keep you updated x
Good luck pg, and well done for being able to explain how you feel, that is a really big thing.
So the self confidence monster has struck again, feeling so low and lonely at the moment. Generally I can muster some enthusiasm about a new year but just feeling sense of dread and despair about 2013. Feel like I've started a job I dislike which doesn't fit in with the time I want to spend with son, am still living in an area away from my family (only settled here originally as my then husband lived here), I stayed here after divorce so my son had easy access to his dad. I don't feel like I fit in with my friends who have husbands, only part time jobs and more money than me- so I rarely see them, have realised when I do see them it's when I arrange it, they seem to have dropped me. I would like to set up the single parents group but am struggling with the confidence required to even speak to new people, never mind push the idea.
Every time I come on these boards I seem to be grinning about something but my life is do different to that which I'd hoped for and I seem to still be making a catalogue of wrong decisions (latest being about the job). Wondering if I need to rip everything up, resign from the job, move son and I back 1.5 hours away to where my family are, and start over but would that really change anything make me feel even worse? My head is so mixed up I just can't think straight. I haven't slept properly for weeks
Poor you! you have made such a success of your life and yet I know you suffer these major wobbles where you doubt yourself.
I am sure that you know that it is far too early to be making a jidgement call on the job, Think about your college training, and then the teaching job, both as a newbie and as a more experienced teacher.....at every juncture you thought "I can't do this" and yet you could and did! That is not to say you should just plod along regardless with something that is making your really unhappy but I am saying give it a few weeks before you make a decision.
As things stand, I guess you will have read on these boards and heard on the news that once your child is 5, single parents are expected to work or look very seriously for work. So if you do decide to make a major change, it needs to be planned for....what would you do instead? What work? Would you get better hours for being with your son including school holidays? (I know you don't have all the holidays now in this new post)
So, time.....and then PLANS!
thanks Louise. I really feel as if i have jumped out of the frying pan into the fire - i know i wasn't happy in my last job but now this is just as bad but worsened by my unfamiliarity with everything and everyone there, plus terrible commute plus working in the holidays - i never felt completely 100% about the decision but thought it would be ok, now i feel so disappointed and angry with myself. Since getting divorced i have switched and swapped between one thing and another, to be honest i have felt lost for years.
I know that i won't get any financial support if i leave but i crave taking my son to and from school everyday and having some thinking time in between, even if only for a few weeks. there is still a shortage of maths teachers near where i live so perhaps i could do some supply work and then if i decided it was right for me, get a maths teaching job again in a different school starting in sept - do you think its too soon to be thingking like this?
I am constantly shaking at the moment, can't sleep, and on the verge of tears, dreading the coming week.
pg xx
Hi Pg. Sorry you're feeling that you've made the wrong move with the job. Everything seems wrong about it now, but do you think if you give it a bit of time, you might settle? I actually think the supply math thing would be perfect for you, giving you time to take your son to school, and also spend more time with him. Is this what you're craving? It can't hurt can it, to look into it more.
You will get there in the end Pg, don't give up just yet. xx
Forgot to say, if you moved back to the other area, would you be able to do supply math or something there? Your son's father, would he still get similar access?
I'm sorry you're finding things so hard pg.
What would you do if a TA position came up at your son's school?
As Louise says, you need to be planning. How much of a drop could you take in a salary?
The best job I had was as a shelf stacker/cashier in Tesco. I went in, clocked on and clocked off. No stress - and that was working nights. Prior to that I had run the heating & plumbing firm that I'm still with for five year, working on average 70 hours a week...
It does take time to settle into a job though. It is hard to find alternatives - I know as I'm checking job vacancies more or less daily at the moment.
Can your son's Dad help out with the child care?
Have you considered moving closer to your parents? Would you have more help with child care there? If you were able to have a similar job close to them, knowing you had their support with child care would that help?
Sadly, finding a job that we're going to enjoy and look forward to going to most of the time may not exist...
I do hope tomorrow will be a better day. Loads of hugs.
Hi pg, sorry to hear that you are finding things so tough at the moment.
Is your boyfriend still being supportive?
Do you feel capable of doing your new job? I imagine that you are, but perhaps you are spending a lot of time beating yourself up.
Moving closer to your parents/family might make life more fulfilling, but it would be good to find out why you you find yourself questioning your decisions after you have made them. You are very capable of doing whatever you want, you have shown this here on the boards, now we need to find a way of being happy with our decisions.
Have you been to counselling or perhaps a CBT group? I think that when we give ourselves lots of negative self talk, life becomes harder. Would you seek some out. I have a vague recollection of you visiting someone for a while, is that right?
also - forgot to say - going to a big party next week with boyfriend and another in Dec - cried in the shops yesterday trying to find a new outfit cos i know that as soon as i walk in I will feel rubbish whatever I'm wearing :(