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Hi Anna, thanks for your encouragement! I feel about an inch high at the moment, not like I'm doing a great job at all! 
Think our posts crossed....
I think he was ill because he caught a bug from his sister (she was sent home from school last Friday and ill all weekend).
Will try to keep thinking positive. Just don't want to be scared anymore!
Poor you, it feels at the moment as if "it never rains but it pours".
You did absolutely the right thing in not letting him out...if he is ill, he is ill. Yes ok he feels better but then he needs to gather his strength for school tomorrow. When they are taller than us then it is harder to exert discipline, isn't it? You therefore have to do it by sheer personality heh heh. Think about your assertive techniques: the good old broken record. "I know you are saying you are better but you are not going out this evening" (key phrase) "I can see that you are cross but you are not going out this evening"
The thing where he called you an idiot....is that regular? If not then let it pass; we have to choose our battles. If it is, then at another time you need to sit him down and say CALMLY "I notice that just lately you are using a lot of disrespectful language to me. For example you called me an idiot the other day and last week you said (one more example) I am not prepared to continue doing X (eg lift to friend's) for you if you speak to me with such disrespect. This is your final warning" AND WALK AWAY.
Please don't despair, it really is a running battle and there are many skirmishes before the war is won 
I know, it just seems to come when I don't expect it.
He will settle down for the rest of the evening (a bit like he did with the holiday, when he sees he's lost the battle he gets on with stuff). I just don't want to be scared!
Have calmed down already though, just venting it here helps! So thanks for 'listening'
Awww Hopeful. I do hope you're feeling better tonight. Did you have a chat with your son or just leaving it for now? Good for you standing your ground, by not allowing him out. I'm sure it was hard for you, but well done xx
You have done so well Hopeful.
My fifteen year old is now over 6', but so far the worse he does is go out anyway.
Thanks you two! :-)
Didn't have a talk with him. Sleeping dogs and all that....
He did settle down though, once he knew I wasn't budging. x
Yes it is definitely is about picking your battles! 
Unfortunately, Louise, I am somewhat confrontational.... 
x
Well, we can all be our own worst enemies.
For me, it helps to try to remember that STAYING CALM is the strongest weapon in my armoury.
Hi Hopeful, have you ever done a parenting course? (I hope I haven't asked you this before You might find that you can learn some new techniques, where you can feel more confident about what you are saying and NOT feel fearful, our children can read us like an open book and ultimately I don't want to see you giving your power away. Disrespectful behaviour and language is UNACCEPTABLE, firstly you need to model the behaviour you expect and then you have more ground to stand on when you demand better behaviour towards yourself. Did you ever contact Young Minds on 0808 802 5544? You might also be interested in calling Family Lives on 0808 800 2222?
)
Hi Anna,
No I've not been on a parenting course, and I don't know where I'd take the time from either! (Not that I'd be entirely against it....). I never call my children names or stupid or anything like that. The reason I was fearful, was as you know he has hit me a few months ago - and he KNOWS that was unacceptable. I also pick up on when they call each other names and stupid etc and tell them it's unacceptable.
Am still practicing the keep-calm-thing - it's so hard!!!
And I am reluctant to call anyone else now - it took a lot for me to come on here! But if I get very stuck, I will, promise! For today, all is good - No2 son did his homework again without being asked to and No3 son has said can I help him with his tomorrow also without being asked about it.
Hi Hopeful
Even though you don't call your children names, there is definitely something about not getting angry in front of them, I know you are working very hard on that. But you're right, you can't just roll over and let him do whatever. The calm standing your ground is very much the best thing (although I have to say that sometimes I can feel like a boiling kettle inside!!)
I know what you mean about not phoning people, sometimes it is hard to reach out for help (I always used to feel that that meant I was a "failure"), and if you are in contact with several different agencies it can feel as if it clouds the issue, a case of information overload.
Glad you had some good things yesterday, I do think it helps to write them down.
Yes, I agree, writing the good stuff down makes me feel much better! :-)
Hi Hopeful, I know it is very hard to find the time to do anything other than what needs to be done, but if you do ever find the time have a look at our article on Parenting Programmes.
Glad your boys are knuckling down to their homework. Boys need firm boundaries and it sounds as though you give them. Keep strong hopeful, we think you are doing a great job
Have you heard from your chap?
Thanks Anna! They are all working well at the moment. Let's enjoy it while it lasts. I think I'm rubbish with boundaries - I always feel I don't want to be the nasty one... (sigh).
Chap in contact practically every day! He's coming over two weeks on Friday, for a long weekend, like I said staying in B&B. Not sure how I'll cope with that, because in the run up I have to work 1 long day and two night shifts, coming of night shift on said Friday. I am not sure I'll be much fun!
You will get that extra hype when he arrives I'm sure! An exert of energy and then completely knackered after he has gone.
I think I said it on this thread, but boys especially love boundaries. They respect adults more when boundaries are put in place for them to kick against, rather than someone they can walk all over. So keep strong! (and calm!!)
I wrote a really long post and then the internet crashed! 
So take two:
No2 son told me he was bored and going to bed. He has also changed one of his A-level subjects - all by himself! - even though it means he has his least favourite teacher again with whom he nothing but fought all through GCSEs!
No3 son asked for money when he went out earlier. I said what for and he said so he doesn't have to come home when he's hungry! I really didn't know what to say to that! He was home at a decent time, hurrah! He has now made himself bacon sandwiches in addition to having had dinner.
Daughter has done half the washing up - bless her - just to help me out! She is a little angel most of the time. Hope the teenage stuff won't be too bad with her!
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Ha ha Anna, can't afford to be knackered after he's gone: have another long day on the A&E placement straight after!
xxx
I'm sorry, but my mind is just blank this evening. Reading posts, and feeling emotional, yet don't know what to say.
Oh sparkling are you ok?
Hopeful - No2 son, seems to really be taking control of his life and his situation. I think you said earlier that he went through a difficult spell in his early teens, but now he is really knuckling down. Well done you!
My daughter also wants money for when she goes out, most times I tell her she should make sandwiches (which doesn't go down well & has never happened!), but more often than not I will give her a couple of pounds becuase it means I will get a whole Saturday to myself - mmmm lovely!!
I hope your daughter got lashings of praise for helping out with some of the washing up, good girl!
Aww, sparkling, it's cool that you read and I know you're thinking of me! You don't have to say anything! xx
Anna, I would give him something for lunch on a Saturday, but not normal everyday dinner. He can just come home for that!
Daughter is still being a star, and yes, I do tell her! :)
Only fretting about exam tomorrow!!!
Good luck, Hopeful, will be thinking about you
Good luck with your exam Hopeful, let us know how it goes 
Almost forgot: exam went ok - I think. I don't think I killed my patients, so I guess I'll pass. How well is a matter of wait and see! At least it's over!
Well done
HOORAY!
Glad to hear went well, when do you find out the results?
Results will be in about three weeks. Long wait, but they have to mark abouth a hundred papers....
I thought I'd finished the wretched essay today - even went to the library for more references - and it didn't save the last changes! AAAHHH!!!! So I'll have to work on it tonight, go to placement for 12 1/2 hours tomorrow daytime and in the evening take it to someone who will hand it in for me on Thursday before four. So frustrating!
I hail all well-organised and self disciplined people!
...for a moment there I misread that and thought you had put that you hate them 
Just keep plugging away, it is no mean feat to be managing this as well as a family of teenagers, believe me. I think you deserve a medal!!
In a past life I used to be well-organised and self-disciplined... Note the "in a past life"!
I blame the children 
as deep down I know I'm perfect 
How frustrating though the changes not saving! I'd have wept buckets.
Thanks you two!
Alas, I have never been well-organised or self-disciplined! Where I am, there is chaos - it's just that I can't be everywhere at the same time!
Essay got handed in and I've survived my first two days on A & E. Plus children are still 'being good' - well No2 son and daughter are, No3 son is good school wise, but at home he could pull his weight a bit better... but I am not going to complain! xxx
Well done on getting the essay done! And I'm glad you've survived A&E so far
Sorry for bragging, but I do have to share this:
I just had a call from No3 son's English teacher who called me a couple of weeks ago saying she didn't want him in her class and he should be put down a set....
She said she was really impressed about how much he'd changed his attitude and how great he was and what a turnaround!
He had tests in English for three hours today and was really worried about it this morning, so I told her and she said he did brilliantly.
This is one proud mum!
You're not bragging, you are justifiably proud! Well done to your son, and to you for all the support you have given him. I also think the firmer boundaries you have put in will have helped. WOW, I am sure you will heap some praise on him when he gets home
Not bragging at all Hopeful. That's absolutely brilliant!
It couldn't last, could it? No3 son came home from school quite ill on Friday (throat infection - see, as a budding nurse I can make a diagnosis now). I really thought he needed antibiotics, but he refused to go to the doctor's and wanted to go out instead. He came home relatively early and went to sleep. Same sort of think happened over the weekend - he went out and came back early and went to sleep- still refusing medical help. (Big sigh). We even had a discussion as to why he was coughing up yucky green flem.
This morning he is still not well, and he said could he go into school late. I said a) he'd been well enough to go out all weekend, and b) he could stay home, if he agreed to go to the doctor's. He got cross, kicked a few things, and has now gone to school.
Please tell me I've done the right thing!?! If he's well enough to play, he's well enough to work, isn't he???
Furthermore, a friend told me yesterday that No3 son had been seen with the troublesome mate who was buying weed off a dodgy character. I confronted No3 son who denies this and says I always think bad things of him. The actual information comes from said friend's son, who is not without issues himself, but does not really have a reason to lie. So I don't know who to believe now or what. Am worried sick about the drug issue (never mind the smoking/drinking issues). AAAAHHHHH!!!!
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On a more positive note, I'm going out on a hike with a friend today in this lovely weather.
Well I hope you enjoy your hike!
Then thing about the weed, hmmm sorry but probably true but the fact that you are onto it will have rattled your son (mine always says "my mum is a mentalist") Try not to worry but keep your eyes peeled. I know I am Mrs Suspicious, but keep a watch on this thing about not going to the doctor, somtimes teens may avoid medical people if they think they will "spot" something.
And yes! if they are well enough to play they are well enough to go to school. You gave him the option to stay home and see the doc. Just hope you don't get a call from the school later, that was my eldest's favourite trick, to skulk off to the school nurse if he thought I had ben unsympathetic.
Oh it is hard, this parenting of teens, you are doing a fantastic job you know!
I agree. If they're ill then they're ill...
Well done on your diagnosis Hopeful
I hope you really enjoy the hike. We're missing summer already here.
Deep breath, and here goes:
Just got home (literally 15 mins ago) after a 12 1/2 hour shift. I had written on our white board that I'd like the dirty dishes stacked (not washed, just stacked) and the clean washing up put away. Unfortunately, I didn't specify who I wanted to do what. So my daughter did a nice stack (she's always helping, bless), but the boys did nothing as usual.
Then No2 son accused No3 son of taking his money. This has happened before and I do believe No3 son does take (don't want to use the s word) money from whoever he can whenever he remotely thinks he'll get away with it. I have no idea how to approach this, because if he is not (there is that possibility), his fragile 'you-always-think-bad-things-of-me' world will be taking another nose dive. Any ideas?
I feel really tired (long shift) and worn out by the mess in the house and really just want to cry now. 
No2 son is upset because I'm not handling the money thing, and has taken himself off to bed, and I don't want to moan at him for not doing any housework although he had teacher training day today and thus wasn't even at school. No3 son - see above, although I will say something to him.
Daughter wants to watch top model with me (not my choice of programme, but if it makes her happy, hey). She was crying because of argument between No2 son and No3 son. Really, I wanted to go out for an hour to chill, but obviously no can do tonight.
Got night shift tomorrow and Thursday and am now worried that they'll rip each other to pieces while I'm gone.
I feel for you, I really do.
When my lot were younger, any issues like that and I'd get us all sitting in the kitchen to talk things through. In a way I just had to hope that someone owned up to it.
My daughter now has a safe, and so do I. Each 'child' (I know they're a bit old to call child) has a cash tin.
When money goes from my purse there is a strong lecture about how they're stealing from the family as my money goes on us all.
I hope the shifts pass peacefully.
Thank you, Sparkling, but I'd rather have action than peace, otherwise I won't be able to stay awake!
Daugher upset because 'everyone always has a go at No3 son and then he's always sad'. I try so hard not to because I know he's a bit fragile, but he is the worst offender at the moment. I am not conscious of saying anything negative to him because he's been doing well at school and I keep telling him how proud I am of that.
I feel such a failure.
A failure? You? the fab woman who is bringing up your young people, who is doing a responsible job and studying, and STILL always has encouragement for people on here who are worried and distressed? No, you are human, that's all...and don't forget that the way our young people carry on is not all our fault!
You see clearly that it would have been better to specify who was to do what in the house. You sat down and watched a terrible programme with your daughter. And you acknowledged the feelings that any of them were prepared to share with you. WOW I bet you were absolutely exhausted, especially after work.
The money thing: don't tackle it when you are all tired and overwrought, it needs calm and sensible mode. Sparkling's idea is good- all round the table. But just giving each child somewhere safe to keep their money would help too. Even a little cash box, and each responsible for their own key (with mum keeping the spare, heh heh I know what teens are for losing keys)
Just had a very brief chat to No3 son about how he feels and he cried saying nobody likes him here and that's why he doesn't want to be here. I told him yeah we do love him (told him about daughter being upset about him being moaned at) and that I really don't want to moan at him at all because I am so proud of him at the moment, mentioned his fantastic attitude at school. I pointed out that if I ask him to do something I am not moaning, but asking for help. I think he kind of got it, but also is a bit depressed.
This is when I feel I'm failing - when they're so unhappy and when they don't feel loved. Also I feel selfish for even thinking I could go away for a weekend in November when they really seem to suffer when I am doing the long shifts, and also for having the 'weird man' (it's what they call the 'boyfriend') visiting....
Big sigh. Thanks for the build-me-up-speech, Louise. I'll snap out of it soon! Just need that magic wand that makes my childfren happy....
You are entitled to your own life, and they ARE loved and you keep on telling them. Teens really are a breed apart. You know I always say if I got a penthouse with a butler and a swimming pool and all mod cons for my son, he would moan cos it didn't have air con.
Part of their learning has to be that you work for a living, (and what a fantastic role model you are) and that you will have friends and interests of your own. My friend's daughter once had a massive go at her saying you are never in, you are always at work or out, we never spend time together. My poor friend was so upset, promised to spend the whole of the next week with her daughter, cancelled all her social arrangements, and spoke to her boss, who let her use some of her precious flexi to work shorter hours for the next week.......and the child went out every night.
As for magic wands, I would gladly throw one over your way if I had one (need to use it myself first though heh heh)
hehe Louise, you sound like I do to my friends! Sometimes we should just take a bit of our own advise, huh?
Thank you so much though!
Btw. No3 son said he took money from No2 son because he needed it for school (yes, he could have remembered to ask me before...), so he's forgiven this time.
Upwards and onwards!
I think when they admit things, it does help.
If daughter thinks you're being harsh on No 3 son can she come up with another solution? Sometimes that makes them stop and think as I have asked that with daughter regarding oldest.
Just an idea, I've started to make sure my lot are taking multi-vitamins and minerals. They're being so miserable I thought that possibley they're lacking in something. It might not help, but it makes me feel that I'm sort of doing something. When I find things tough I reach for the Pharmaton (so long as I can afford a jar).
Every year too I think of buying a light box as I think SAD gets to me a bit and to my fifteen year old.
Do have a weekend away in November. I have one in a couple of weeks as a dear friend of mine was 60 yesterday, and she's having a meet up in Cumbria (another reason for new tyres). My lot were very enthusiastic about me going (probably planning something!). Part of me is not looking forward to it at all! But I know it will be a laugh seeing my friend.
Hopefully today is an upward and onward one.
Here is the latest instalment of the Son No3 Saga:
He came home about 9:30 on Saturday night (I was already in bed, still recovering from the Friday night shift) and woke me up.
He said he and a friend were walking through one of the alleys (there are lots of those here and everyone uses them as shortcuts) when some other people (at least four and older than my son) started throwing bottles at them. No3 and friend told them to not do that (I am sure using choice language) to which the group of presumably drunk responded by starting a punch up. It seems that my son and his friend were the victors in this, despite being outnumbered and 'outaged'.
He went into another friend's house, whose mum cleaned him up a bit. Then walked the first friend home and then came home and had a shower. This is when he woke me up. He was very shaken up, crying and shivering from shock. Physically he has a cut to his right hand and a black eye - nothing too dramatic. He said he was ok at first, but once he woke me he really worked himself up.
I slyly took the opportunity to point out that this was exactly why I was so worried about him drinking and taking drugs (obviously he never does that, haha). Also told him not to plot revenge and hope that message got through...
Big sigh!
He tried to get out of school on Monday saying he couldn't write because of the cut to his hand! Obviously he is feeling lots better.....
Hi Hopeful
Your heart must have sunk, just got to sleep and you get woken up and told all that. I am glad that your son seemed to have survived this nasty experience without too much damage....they seem to think "It'll never happen to me" so this was a sharp lesson for him. I guess adrenalin kept him going through the clean up process and when he saw you, that's when the emotion kicked in. You did well to be compis mentis enough to make it an illustration re drink/drugs
Awww Hopeful, that's awful and I can well imagine he was shocked.
A learning curve for him, hopefully?
xx
Right, here we go:
On Wednesday No3 son came home a bit early and came straight to see me (usually does this when he's in trouble). He said he'd left 5 minutes early because:
In class they had a cover teacher. When they got into the classroom there was a puddle on the floor. Cover Teacher decided it was No3 son who was responsible for this. No3 son said he wasn't (still maintains that). Cover teacher said to No3 son to clean it up. No3 son said no way. Cover teacher said get out.
So No3 son went to isolation room (good boy!) and started doing work there. Other teacher (bit higher in the ranks. I get confused) came in and started having a go at him. No3 son thought 'I'm not having any of this' and decided to leave. Teacher tried to stand in his way in doorway (Teacher tall sturdy lady - can be quite scary). No3 son tried to duck under her arm just as she moved it down and thus pushed past her and went home.
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According to other teacher she was standing in doorway already when No3 son decided to leave and he pushed her out of way.
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Call from head of year teacher said No3 son has assaulted other teacher by pushing her out of way and he is excluded for two days and we are to have a meeting when he comes back into school after half term. Told him No3 son's side of story. He said still, exclusion stands. No3 son should have 'politely asked the teacher to move out of the way' (knowing the other teacher, she would not have done that anyway). He also said he'd 'investigate' and was on No3 son's side if at all possible. Hm.
No3 son upset about exclusion (means he misses sports Btec which he loves) and also says it's unfair. Was thinking about ignoring exclusion, but found out the register would carry a mark against his name and he'd be sent home anyway.
Having thought about it: I believe No3 son that he tried to duck under teacher's arm and also that when he made a move to leave said teacher moved to doorway. Also think he should not be excluded till after investigation (whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?) and teacher is not being excluded now, is she.
How do I handle the meeting after half term? I understand that No3 son can be difficult and he tends to run when he's being got at, but this time I think it's not only him.....???? Help!
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Separate issue: letter came yesterday say No3 son had not done maths homework for a while and is to attend detention to sort it and has been given work to do at home. Can cope with that one!
Sorry for extra long post! xxx
Hi Hopeful, apologies for the mixup
I hope you boy is feeling better, do you think this was brought on by worry and concern for school or has he got a temperature
Louise is always good at this, but things you can praise for (or some people prefer to think of it as acknowledgement):
You rounded the corner on your bike really well.
You always keep your fishing tackle so neatly
I love the way you find new things fascinating (ie letter from Germany)
You make me smile when your eyes go small when you are thinking
Its brilliant the way you always look out for your sister.
You sound as though you are doing a great job of saying your peace and then moving on, not mulling everything over. Short, sharp and sweet!