Hopeful
DoppleMe

Right here goes:

No3 son being extraodinarily bad tempered atm. He came home at half two the other night (after having asked if he could stay over night somewhere) and went to have a bath - the pipes going kept me awake. Was in a mood all the next day, and yesterday and it's continuing today.

He is probably tired (which according to him entitles him to a bad mood). He complains about any chores I ask him to do and says 'later later later' until I get up and do it myself or my daughter does it because she doesn't like the tension (she is an angel most of the time).

He behaves like the world owes him a living - this morning he said he was starved and there was no food, so I pointed out things like bread, cheese, ham and he said he couldn't be expected to eat that. I ask you! I did not say he could be here for dinner, that would have just sparked off more.

He is just so selfish and horrible at the moment. I am still scared that he'll totally lose it again (and it's no good telling me I shouldn't be, because I don't show him and I really try). He will search the whole house for whatever it is he's decided he wants and does not respect anybody's right to privacy - especially not mine. I am at a point where  don't want to be in the same house as he is never mind the same room.

I feel so sad, because I love him, but at the same time at the moment I really really hate him, too, and I just want him to go away. :-(

Rationally, of course, I do know there'll be ups and downs and because things went relatively well recently - though not perfectly - I thought I was getting there, albeit slowly. I am so tired of fighting :-(

Posted on: May 7, 2012 - 10:40am
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I wish I knew a solution.

Loads of virtual hugs

xxxxx

Posted on: May 7, 2012 - 10:49am

hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Awww Hopeful, I don't know what to suggest that you haven't tried already. I'm not at that stage yet with C (well the teen stage any). You've done so well with him in the past, that obviously something did work. Can you think back to what made the most difference then? How about your eldest son, could he maybe have another word? Is the company that he is keeping do you think? Not that you could ban him from seeing them or anything.

I would love to say that if he does nothing for you, then do nothing for him, but I know how difficult this would be. I would be tempted, everytime he has a strop or something, to tell him to leave the house, until his attitude changes, then he is welcome back.

Could he perhaps stay at your eldest's house, for a short period. The holidays are coming up, and it would give you both a break.

Sorry not much help, but hang on in there. xx

Posted on: May 7, 2012 - 11:29am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Hopeful

It's just so annoying when you were just sighing with relief that things had improved with him. Typical!!!

You said that we weren't to tell you not to be scared. So I won't. But I WILL tell you that you are the boss of this house and the minute a teen senses a chink in our armour, they are right in there. I totally agree with Hazeleyes' comment about think about what has worked in the past, too.

Only you can decide what to do about this. I will tell you what I would do if it was me. Ignore, ignore, ignore all the comments about food. Do not do his chores. Tell your daughter not to do his chores. Refuse any extras such as lifts, mending etc until he pulls his weight too. And baths are absolutely off the radar after 11pm (or whenever).

My youngest is now 17 and can stay out late provided he does not wake me up when he comes in. The minute he does,he will be on a curfew time. My eldest used to do what your son did: say he was staying overnight and then come home at an awful time, it used to drive me barmy and so I said if you are NOT sleeping over then back by midnight,

You've expressed the problem very well in the title of the thread: loss of control. It's important to be assertive and regain it.

Posted on: May 7, 2012 - 2:24pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

Am ignoring all comments about food - actually I think they're quite funny as so unfounded. As to the chores: last night t was taking out the bin to the road - had to do it myself, otherwise we'd drown in rubbish this week. Picking up the clothes from the bathroom (which shouldn't be there in the first place - he's been told a million times), so that I can actually get in there - I just chuck them into his room which doesn't bother him. Clean up kitchen so that I can make myself some food. I think a lot of things are a question of who can bear more mess, and while I am definitely not a tidy person, there are limits to me accepting chaos I live in, so I have to see what makes me more unhappy.

He's been told about the staying out and the bath thing (I change the setting on the hot water too now, so there won't be any hot water, if he chooses to ignore that rule).

Will look at what worked in the past.

The thing is that I want him to not only do as I say, but to understand why and to not be selfish and think the world owes him everything. :-( Asked him to bring the half dozen (!) glasses down from his room for the fourth time just now. Am trying so hard to be assertive, but I am soo tired and have no energy.

Sorry for moaning.x

Posted on: May 7, 2012 - 4:48pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I just wish I had a magic wand, Hopeful, I thiink it is the only thing that is guaranteed to work with teens,

Posted on: May 7, 2012 - 5:55pm

hazeleyes
DoppleMe

I love the hot water setting being turned off. Sneaky one Hopeful Smile Keep on with chucking his clothes in his room though, he'll be the one that loses out when he doesn't have clean laundry!

You're not moaning, you're having a well earned rant, and I think we all need one of those from time to time.

Posted on: May 7, 2012 - 6:34pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

:-) Aw, thanks all!

He seems in a good mood this morning - maybe because I said I'd drive him to school (this is because I don't want him to be late for exams). I have told him that he was absolutely horrid over the weekend which - of course - he denied. But I said it again later and he promised to be better. He did everything I asked of him this morning though. Two steps forward, three back? How was that?

Magic wand would be great!

Posted on: May 8, 2012 - 9:42am

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Hopeful, the wonderful world of teenagers eh?!

If your son was out, I imagine that he was tired and hungover perhaps? What about drugs? The downer after a drugs session, can be pretty depressing.

Does your son see a future for himself, do you think he knows that he is bright, loveable and interesting? 

He might be worrying about his future and thinking there is nothing for him ahead?

Posted on: May 8, 2012 - 11:02am

Hopeful
DoppleMe

Anna, this comment has actually made me a bit cross: when I first came on here to talk about No3 son I was worrying about drugs and alcohol, but you and Louise said not to think about it. So I try not to. Anyway, even if he was 'on a downer' there's nothing at all I could do about it, is there?

:-(

He is worried about his future, yes, and I have put the horrible weekend down to him being tired and taking that out on me (he thinks he's entitled to, he's said as much) which of course isn't right either. Have talkted to him this morning and he kind of promised to better his way, but I won't be holding my breath. I keep telling him he is bright and loveable and interesting (and he IS bright and interesting - the loveable varies a lot! ;-)  )..

Sorry to be blugh. When I mention sex/drugs/rockn'roll he always protests his innocence anyway and gets upset that I 'always think the worst' of him.

All is not bad today, he sat an exam this morning and said it went well. :-)

Posted on: May 8, 2012 - 1:11pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I'm glad he felt the exam went well...

Posted on: May 8, 2012 - 5:18pm

littleredhen
DoppleMe

not sure if there is any info here that might help hopeful 

http://www.talktofrank.com/

sending you a hug anyway 

Posted on: May 8, 2012 - 5:49pm

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Hopeful, I am sorry I got your heckles up. I would hate to think that either Louise or I said 'not to think about it' if son No3 is doing drugs.

My stance on the drug issue and teenagers, is that they are likely to try some drugs at some point and all we can do is try and keep communication open with them. The time to worry about our teens doing drugs is when they are stealing from home, getting very depressed or getting in trouble with the law, otherwise, like you say there is not a lot more we can do about it.

It is not ok for our teens to talk to us disrespectfully, but I think you know that with the exam coming up, him going out etc etc, that he feels under a lot of pressure. And just when you feel like giving up on them the monster leaves the house and your lovely child comes home!

I now understand why people say 'pick your battles' with your teens, its because there are so many to be had! But I do believe that it is a phase and as long as we keep thinking the best for our kids then they will get through it.  If they feel rubbish, insecure and that the world is against them and then we are thinking that they are annoying, useless and hopeless then it all spirals out of control.

I think your boy is battling with a lot of demons, you say he is bright and interesting, keep trying to fuel that, say something positive to him everyday Hopeful and keep believing in him. Did you manage to find a holiday abroad?

Posted on: May 8, 2012 - 6:34pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

I know he's battling with a lot of 'demons', it's just that he won't talk to anyone properly. I've tried, friends have tried, teachers have tried - when he gets confronted with stuff he just runs away and hides. The counsellor (CAMHS & School) didn't even get to talk to him because he ran before that. He knows it, too. That's why it's so heartbreaking.

Whenever drugs/drink/smoking come up he says he won't go there because he's seen what that leads to and he doesn't want that. Which of course doesn't mean he won't try at all.

Haven't had time to sort out holiday stuff yet. Have to wait and see what Mr Osborne does with my money first.... Tongue Out

Posted on: May 8, 2012 - 6:58pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

The latest episode....

No3 son came home in a really good mood yesterday, said the schooling unit were going somewhere to do some biking today and ice skating tomorrow (in my view they should be working, but hey). He went out in the afternoon.

He came home late (past 9 which he knows I don't like) and was dead tired and seemed down (drug alarm bells were ringing, but I daren't approach that subject at the moment because when I do I ALWAYS get told that 1. I don't trust him (true), 2. he doesn't do stupid stuff like that, 3. I am always picking on him and trying to see bad things. He went to bed.

This morning he didn't want to go to school at all. The bikes there are stupid and he has to wear a helmet and it takes an hour to get to school and then another to get to the bike place. Then they're only there for an hour and it's not worth it and he could just ride his own bike in the woods here. I stood my ground, saying it was my job to get him to school and while I can understand his frustration, it is a legal requirement to go to school.

He said the more he thought about it the more upset it made him that he had to go. I said I couldn't afford to think like that and he shouldn't. He said why couldn't I and I said because I'd be dead by now if I did (a bit overdramatic and probably totally the wrong thing to say, but it shut him up).

He is cross that we got a new snake for his sister - he's asked if he could have a big snake from one of his mates, but I've said no - we have no room for a big snake - he says it'll go in his room (6 x 6) which is currently knee deep in clothes and rubbish. Then he wanted a ferret (! where do they get these ideas??) and I've said they smell and I don't want one in the house. He said he could keep it in the shed - shed has no windows and I'd worry that the poor thing would be forgotten....

Last week the head teacher asked if he'd like to go back to mainstream school - after a lot of talking and initial 'I'll only get kicked out again' and 'it wouldn't work' he agreed to try for one of the schools and I am now really worried that I've pushed him in the wrong direction.

I feel such a failure with him. He should be happy and enjoying his childhood/teenage years and he seems to be always sad.

Sometimes I get so frustrated I think he could just leave home when he's 16 and I'd be rid of him. Of course that's not what I want and then I feel guilty and more of a failure.

I am afraid of confrontation with him because I don't know what he'll do - you know he's been violent in the past and there was some door and stuff kicking this morning. It is really weird because everywhere else I am so assertive and positive.

He always says he loves me (which is reassuring), yet he never wants to spend any time at home because 'there's nothing to do'.

I feel I have failed him in so many ways, but I don't know what to do about it.

Sorry for the really long post, just getting it out helps a little. x

Posted on: July 11, 2012 - 9:09am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Yes, it is good to get it said.

I think it is extra hard for you because you are a mum to four children and on the whole,. things seem to run quite smoothly with the other three. You only have to look at them to know that you have been a good mum....but then you can compare and think why doesn't my youngest son behave like the other three?

Teenagers are just sooooooo frustrating.

Remember when you took him fishing, he liked that, would he go again?

Posted on: July 11, 2012 - 9:18am

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I've no idea what to say Hopeful, so sorry he's feeling frustrated and upsetting you.

Is it the fear of leaving this unit?  As he's been happy there, hasn't he...

Posted on: July 11, 2012 - 9:32am

Hopeful
DoppleMe

He doesn't want to spend any time. At all. :-(

Posted on: July 11, 2012 - 9:38am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Yes, that feels sad. My youngest was the same for a time and as you say all you as a parent can see is that the child himself is sad as well, and as parents we can feel so helpless. But I do want you to know that it does not mean you are a failure, as you said above. Does he respond when you ask him to make a family decision? just thinking your no 2 son chose what to have for tea (pizza) and your daughter got a snake, and no 3's son's choices of giant snake or ferret were impractical but it would be good if he could choose something for the family.

Posted on: July 11, 2012 - 9:47am

Hopeful
DoppleMe

I've asked him if he liked having pizza (he did) and if he'd like to choose something for dinner (he didn't). I've told him he can have a pet, too, just we have to talk about it properly. I'm not giving up, I'm just having a sad day over him.

It was weird, - when I was pregnant with the second one I worried that I'd not love him as much as No1 son, because I thought I loved him so much there wouldn't be room. Now I know there's no measure for it and I just wish I had a magic wand for each one of them to make everything alright...

Posted on: July 11, 2012 - 10:42am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Yep, agree with you there.....

Posted on: July 11, 2012 - 11:50am

rudimentary mary
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

If anyone finds a magic wand tree, can they make sure they pass the information on to the rest of us? Thanks!

Meanwhile, back in the real world - sorry to hear you're having a hardtime with No3 son, Hopeful. Teenagers have it so hard - they are pulled in two directions, not quite adult yet trying to move away from childhood. My brother is having similar struggles with my niece at present.

Sending you lots of supportive thoughts.

Posted on: July 11, 2012 - 4:09pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

Motivation tips needed:

No3 son has been offered a trial back in mainstream school, with a phasing in period for him to choose subjects etc. I didn't tell him yesterday because he seemed quite down, but took him to school this morning especially (normally he takes the train) to talk to him.

He was in a good mood this morning (probably because he stayed home yesterday - I told him that he's in a good mood after a day at home, but he wasn't having it!) so I told him how this school had said they were very impressed by him doing 5 GCSEs at that unit and how proud I was of him having this opportunity and and and.

His reaction was 'it will be rubbish' and 'I don't want to', but not in a very aggressive manner, more in a I-am-worried-about-failure manner. I said for him to try and he might like it, and we'd meet the school people and he could see a bit better what they'd be offering etc etc.

Now I need lots of ideas of motivating him!

Posted on: July 13, 2012 - 2:22pm

rudimentary mary
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Hopeful -

You don't say whether No3 son is going to have chance to look round the school before or after the summer break - I suppose a lot of what you do in terms of motivation depends on if he is or isn't going to get an idea of what the place will be like until September.

What are his favourite subjects? I'd be tempted to focus on activities/treats which related to those through the summer to increase his confidence.

Posted on: July 13, 2012 - 2:32pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

His favourite is home time I suppose. He likes sports, and he's really good at it (this school is a sports specialist), but he doesn't like being put up for competitions, he just wants to do it 'for fun'.

I'll ring them on Monday and see what they say....

Posted on: July 13, 2012 - 8:39pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Good luck with this Hopeful.  Its good he wasn't aggressive though. 

I bribe 16 year old regularly.  McDs, airfix models, trains...

Posted on: July 13, 2012 - 9:40pm

rudimentary mary
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

It is good he wasn't aggressive, or totally opposed to the idea.

Why not see what's going on in your area sports-wise over the summer? You might get lucky & find taster sessions in something he's interested in trying out that are free (or cost next to nothing).

Let us know how you get on when you ring the school.

Posted on: July 14, 2012 - 10:43am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Yes, good luck. As for the motivating, all young people are different and as his mum you will know the best way to get a response. For example, my youngest responds best to calm logical discussion about things whereas eldest was always more willing to "just be told".

I think it was great that you told him how proud you are that he has this opportunity Smile

Posted on: July 15, 2012 - 7:28am

Hopeful
DoppleMe

Big desperation time:

I went to meet with the department head of the mainstream school that has offered No3 son a place. It was a really positive meeting - he can do two days of vocational training (in construction if he likes) a week, concentrate on a few GCSEs rather than catching up on all of them, have a youth worker assigned, have a personal mentor assigned, have something put in place that allows him to walk off when he feels frustrated - all sorts of things.

Last night he agreed to go and see this school with No1 son - I said that way I wouldn't be pushing him and he could really make his mind up properly. I told him he could do the construction thing with people from the old place, if he wanted. He was ok with that and agreed to it.

This morning he says he's not going to look at the school and no way is he going there and he doesn't want to be bullied into things. I said the whole reason for him to go and have a look is that he could make his own properly informed decision and he said he had now made his final decision.

I said if he wasn't informing himself of all options, I would have to make the decision for him because I had his best interest at heart. He started saying 'I am warning you-' and I cut him off, saying he was in no position to warn me about anything, so he said 'then I am telling you-' and I said wasn't in a position to tell me anything any way because he didn't have all the information. So he said if I made him change schools he'd just not go. He was quite hostile in his whole attitude.

Now half of me thinks that I should just make the decision for him - My reasoning is that he hasn't even looked into the options, he'd have more opportunities there and they could put a really good support system in place. Even if everything goes pear shaped - the trial basis for this is the first two terms (so until Christmas) - he would go back to the alternative curriculum unit.

The other option would be to take the easy way out and just let him stay where he is and bum most of the next year. This is tempting for me because I have my own studies plus the cancer plus No2 son and daughter to think about.

Either way I'd really like him to go and have a look at that new school. No1 son has said he'd take him, so I'll try to arrange this with the lovely teacher, and I'll explain to her the situation again. Because he has never really bunked off school I think I'll go with option one, but I am soooo scared.

Do you think it would help if I wrote him a letter to read while I am away, telling him exactly why I want him to try? I really really don't know how to get him to agree. :-(

Will have a good cry now to get rid of the negative energy....

Posted on: August 15, 2012 - 12:03pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Oh Hopeful, that is another worry for you to have to deal with...I think he is scared he is not "up to it" and wants to stay where he is because it is in his comfort zone. He feels backed into a corner.

A letter is a great idea..or I used to use email with my son. Make it nice and gentle, starting off with "I think you are wonderful and I love you so much" or similar then something along the lines of how he can go back to the old place if the new one isnt any good and all you are asking is that he gives it a try. Keep it really short, and yes, no 1 son taking him round is a fab plan.

Big hug for you today.

Posted on: August 15, 2012 - 2:06pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Hugs from me too.  I also think he is scared...

Well done for stopping him in his tracks when he was telling you.

 

Posted on: August 15, 2012 - 10:12pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

update: No3 son didn't go to see the school with No1 son as No1 son was late and he'd already gone out. However -

when I rang from holiday on the day of coming back he sounded really really down/worried/anxious, like something horrible had happened and he was about to cry. He wouldn't say on the phone, so I was really worried what to expect when I got home. The next morning he came into my room and was still quite subdued, saying he'd go to the new school, if he could do the vocational stuff with the old (which is an option). I asked him wether he had opened the letter with his GCSE results (the head of his school had rung me on holiday to tell me, and he has passed 4 GCSEs and 2 other things) and all came out:

he thought I'd think he'd done rubbish and would be really upset with him. Now he got a C in maths and history, a D in English and an E in sociology, plus a pass in IT and Art. Which is more than most students at that unit. So I told him a) how proud I was of his decision to go to the new school and b) that really, he'd done very well with his results, especially considering all the upheaval and starting on them later than the others.

A friend of mine has said he'd consider him for an apprenticeship after the next year, and he was even quite interested in that.

Hope this will last - his general attitude in the house is still the same - everybody owes him everything that he happens to want.... sigh

Posted on: August 26, 2012 - 1:52pm

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I'm so glad he's done well hopeful

Posted on: August 26, 2012 - 1:59pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

That sounds really positive, he has indeed got much better results than we could anticipate after all those upheaveals, and it's great that the vocational option is open to him. All young people are different. My youngest did that BTEC in uniformed public services, the only uniform he wears these days is an Asda one! but the course kept him out of trouble for a year and a half and gave him other things such as responsibility. That's worth more than A levels to him.

Posted on: August 26, 2012 - 2:59pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

Well, that didn't last long now, did it?

I had a call from the new school (the teacher is really lovely and so trying to help), to arrange for him to come to a meeting to sort out timetables and paperworks and all that. He was here and overheard and threw a wobbly saying he's not going to any meeting. And shouted at me to stop winding him up. I couldn't help it, I just started crying. :-(

The teacher was even more helpful and said he should go to his old school and they'd phase him in from there. (Only old school wants a meeting to sign paperwork - haven't told him that yet).

He said why was I crying, - and it wasn't only him, bursary have messed up, so I won't have any money coming in in September, plus I'm starting chemo on Monday, plus the house is a tip and because everything's bad, that's getting to me big time - so I told him how I was having a bad day and he said I had no right to moan. He kicked a few things and I shouted at him to stop it, and I was entitled to a bad day, and it wasn't ALL ABOUT HIM. (He said shut up, but I just ignored that). He left for a while, came back quietly and left again without speaking to me.

So now I have a headache from all the crying and it's not stopping. There's so much to do and I got up with such a good attitude.

Feeling very very alone at the moment. :-(

Posted on: August 28, 2012 - 11:05am

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Aww Hopeful we are here for you as much as we can be.

I think right now the best thing you can do for yourself if you still have a headache, is just taking half and hour or an hour lie down. The house can wait. Everyone and everything can just wait until you are in a better place.

It sounds as though it is the thought of 'meetings' that your son doesn't like. Do you know where he has gone now? Could you ask him how he is feeling when he returns and apologise for losing your rag (we must lead by example etc). Perhaps let him know that you can see that he hates meetings, but it is the only way forward if he is to go back into school. Remind him how proud you are of his results and perhaps entice him to going to the meeting with a reward afterwards?

 

Posted on: August 28, 2012 - 1:28pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

I have told him I understand he doesn't like meetings and sometimes we just have to have them. He is not listening (my thoughts towards him are very unfriendly at the moment, he's just a selfish little git who thinks the world owes him a living) to anything. I have also told him me being upset today is not all about him (maybe that hurt his feelings that it's not all about him - see how cynical I am) and that I am allowed an off day. I lost my rag with him for kicking things and what I feel I should have really done is a lot worse than just shouting.

I am at the point of totally giving up, just feeding him as long as I legally have to and then chucking him out. Of course this is not what is going to happen, after all he is my son and I do love him, even if at the moment I hate him at the same time.

There are no apologies inside me at all, so I won't. I don't care how he feels, I need him to think of other people for once. The world does not revolve around him.

Even if I were prepared to reward him with anything for coming to a meeting, any reward would involve tons of money which I don't have - especially as I'll have no bursary in September.

Sorry for being so negative. House cannot wait - or it will never get done. Need to do the shopping, too (guess what, he's asked for sweets and icecream and junk food).

 

Posted on: August 28, 2012 - 1:58pm

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hopeful you have done a great job your other children are thriving, just son No3 is stuck in a bad place at the moment.

It really is the last thing you need right now, you need everyone to pull together, however this is what it is and although you love each other you are not communicating it.

We all have different ways that we like to be shown that we are loved. The 5 ways of being shown that you are loved are words, touch, quality time, gifts or service.

We can often get it quite wrong what our children want or need from us. For example your child is upset and you go to give them a hug to make them feel better, but they always push you away. The thing that makes you feel better when you are upset is a hug, however your child might prefer a conversation, not physical touch.

What do you think your 'love language' is and what do you think his is? By understanding our own and our childrens we can create a better relationship.

Posted on: August 28, 2012 - 6:17pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello Hopeful

How are you feeling this morning? Hope your head has cleared. Poor you, everything just piled up on top of you yesterday, when I feel like that I think "I wish a whirlwind would just sweep through the house and everything would be SORTED" Alas, that only happens in Mary Poppins Cry

So, quite aside from everything else going on, you have the start of chemo coming and that will span four or five months. I reckon you need "A PLAN" and that involves deciding a. priorities and b. who can help. You have a lot of friends and also support from your church and now is the time to call on it. People love to help, but they need telling what help is needed. Maybe someone could help with the ironing, and you could do a big shop online every week? (and not have to suffer too much well-meaning lasagne!)

As for your son, the answer isn't easy. He sounds very scared at the moment and just lashing out at the nearest thing (you) This is ironic because one the the main things he is terrified about is that you are ill and he is scared he will lose you. Could your eldest have a word with him and suggest that during your treatment the best way he can help is by a bit of co-operation? You do need to focus on you right now and the very best gift you can give yourself is staying as calm as possible at what is a very stressful time.

Sending lots of hugs to you this morning

Posted on: August 29, 2012 - 8:12am

sparklinglime
DoppleMe

I'm sorry you're facing all of this Hopeful. 

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't.  Thinking of you though

Posted on: August 29, 2012 - 9:06am

Hopeful
DoppleMe

Anna, I know all about the love languages. Mine is definitely quality time. He has said in the past that this is his, too (I was very surprised by that), but what he projects is that he wants gifts gifts gifts. What he sometimes does is acts of service.

I think I show him I love him all the time (well, not today because I am still so angry. This time it is not about him, but me, and I am so fed up that I don't get the slightest consideration). I hate having to watch what I say, in case he gets a 'I don't love you' message from that. For example: when I left for my week away, I left him £ 25. He spent that in two days and then went to daughter's room to search it and took all her birthday money (30 or 40). When I very quietly and without accusation said that was not a good thing to do, what was thrown in my face was: I don't know why you are upset, what do you expect, 25 is nothing, what were you thinking there anyway. He also said he'd pay it back, but seeing that he is constantly asking me for money anyway, I don't see that happening.

The house and all that I can have help with, but if I am really really upset/depressed, I get the sorting the outside world out bug.

Getting upset again writing this. Sorry people.

Louise, you are right, I need a plan. Will ask oldest again, but feel mean loading all the responsibility on him.

Posted on: August 29, 2012 - 11:45am

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I know, but just for these few months, you need to share the load.

Getting your boy to stop all this money business will be tough. My friend had a boy who used to take money from everyone's rooms/bags/purses and they ended up having a small safe in their house! he has, however, grown up into a pleasant and charming young man, it was just a phase. It seems your son does not really understand the value of money (or should I say its scarcity) Did any of your others go through this? I have seen it in both mine, the very worst is just before they are able to work and get their own money and finally make the link between earning it if you want it to spend....sorry I am not able to give you a "solution", stuff around your relationship with him seems the best way forward.

What can you tick off your list today?

Posted on: August 29, 2012 - 12:26pm

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi hopeful, Louise is absolutely right about reaching out to everyone and asking for their support and it sounds as though you will do that.

I am wondering if there are things around the house that the children could do? I was just thinking that if it was a) the washing up b) massage my feet c) drying up d)hoover. Then hold a family meeting and suggest that No3 son has a job to help you through ie: the foot massage. Then he gets to help you AND you both have quality time together for 10 mins every day?

Posted on: August 29, 2012 - 5:52pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

The housework will not be a problem in the next week. I can't see any of my children massage my feet, but that idea really made me smile! But I will have a think of little bits that make him spend time. :-)

He's out camping tonight, so he'll get wet, cold and miserable, and take it all out on me tomorrow, yay.

Today I made a nice risotto. Nothing else really. :-)

Posted on: August 29, 2012 - 9:25pm

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I hope he has fun camping, any chance of supervising him into getting all his soggy stuff straight into the washing machine in the morning?

Ok so maybe not massaging! But what about your first cup of tea/coffee in the morning, something to make him feel useful and appreciated?

I hope you are having a relaxing evening, what flavour risotto did you do?

Posted on: August 30, 2012 - 7:05pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

Bless him, he came home at 8:30 this morning, stuck the washing machine on and went to bed.

The coffee thing is good, he quite likes doing that. :-)

Today, butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. *sigh*

Posted on: August 30, 2012 - 7:19pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Ohhhh they are so unpredictable. Hopefully he got some decent sleep and was in an Ok mood when he woke up. I think with teens we can all so easily get into this "dancing attendance" mode as if the teen was a prince or princess and we were the lowly servant, waiting to see what the royal will inflict on us on a daily or even hourly basis. It definitely felt a bit like that for me, anyway, but I guess that doing that gives them the message that that is acceptable. And there is something in the mix about who is the boss! Wink

I think Anna has had a fab idea there, finding a special job for him that does not feel like a chore, but personal care. Peel me a grape!

Posted on: August 31, 2012 - 7:38am

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Smile Glad to see he is in better form today.

I hope that he has woken up in a good mood and you can hear all about the trip!

Posted on: August 31, 2012 - 5:23pm

Hopeful
DoppleMe

Haven't seen him today - he stayed over in the next town last night and I've spent most of the day at hospital and then having (posh! Louise!) coffee with a friend. :-)

Posted on: August 31, 2012 - 5:30pm

Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hooray for posh coffee!

Hopeful I will not be on the boards next week as am on holiday but you will be in my thoughts, especially on Monday. Remember to notice what happens on day one, day two  etc and perhaps write it down, it will give you something to work with and make it much easier to predict good days and more difficult days for the rest of the chemo for planning your life.

Posted on: September 1, 2012 - 7:12am

Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Good luck tomorrow Hopeful, thinking of you. x

Posted on: September 2, 2012 - 11:09am