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This is to encourage those who are going through that long, dark tunnel with their teens. Sometimes it seems as if it will never end, we wonder where our (basically) good child has gone and who is this monster who has taken their place? We wonder what we have done wrong, we blame ourselves, we cry and feel hopeless.We know they will never turn into a decent person.
My eldest was a solitary child in his teens, he had one geeky friend who turned out to the one who threatened to stab him further down the line, in an episode of cyber-bullying. He had acne worse than any child that the school had ever seen. He refused to attend school. He refused to wash. He had few hobbies other than Playstation games. He would only eat pepperoni pizza and Heinz ravioli.
Ten years later he is a charming, handsome young man with great style, a good job, a wonderful girlriend and an exciting life ahead of him.
How has this happened?
Time has helped a great deal, plus 10 tons of patience, 30 tons of love, some very tough boundaries, a lot of laughter and yes, some times of crisis. But it has happened, and it can for you, too!
So do please be encouraged. And we can help you along the way, start a new thread and tell us about you teen and we will give you all the support we can 
Thank you Louise, what a great way of putting it; so there is hope :)
I am having a tough time with my eldest who swings from charming to shouting swear words in no time when things go different from what he wants. He used to be kind, caring, very emphatic and helpful to this totally nonunderstanding whatever it is.
There are moments he is sorry and he still tells me lots of what is going on in his life, needs hugs and moments he is kind of back, until the nexts complete argument for nothing.
The youngest, almost 11 is now starting too. I am following this teenager course for parents, which I actually started as to look good for court, but lately I am thinking this was a smart move and am grateful I started it, because there are times I absolutely don't know what hit me. I would love to have my fun family back with lots of fun stuff to do together and I do make the youngest walk with me during the weekends for the dog, the eldest just thinks its not cool to be seen with us (almost 14) and is out most of the time with his mates or just thinks he can have sleepovers here all the time, even having just moved and "asks" WHY NOT? all the time if you say it can't be done, and if you explain and give a good reason for "WHY NOT" he absolutely finds it a not a good enough reason and starts a big huge argument just for the sake of it.
It is so hard to stand back and observe and stay calm rather then react back to such unreasonable behaviour.
There is still hope for us then ? :)
There is indeed hope, and whilst I was going to say to you oh well they have had a lot going on lately with the court and the house move, actually forget all that, the behaviour you describe is typical of many teenagers.
Teens are very good at bargaining and maybe you could look at sleepovers as a potential reward for something he does in exchange (chores, etc?) Have a look at this article (click) for a way to put this into practice.
Humour is very helpful too. With my eldest I said I would make him two placards, one would say "Uhhhhh" and the other would say "whatever" then I saidn there was no need for him to speak if he was in a mood, he could just choose a placard to lift up. Another thing that helped was to agree a code word and either of you is allowed to say this to indicate that you needed time out and would resume the conversation later.
Hello, Jaz Bling, nice to see you, how old are your children?
There is hope!!!! No3 son who was soooo much trouble is the loveliest boy in the world at the moment! And I didn't have to wait 10 years. 2 1/2 was all.
And just for the record: being able to come on here and sound off was really helpful!
I had looked at it before, the link, and thought it was not needed that way, but now I think it is a very good idea to implement with this struggle going on, and what a great idea, Louise, these playcards. I've let him see Kevin the teenager as well, the one on utube.
Yes humour it makes it a lot better, I am going to try all that. I thought it at first Louise, about the changes and all, but the I thought, the house is even though chaotic, so much better than the last one and Court is finally freedom, they should be extremely grateful and I actually I did a sleepover whilst I was exactly 2 days in here.
But yes I have not found his addidas shoes yet and of course he cannot go out with other shoes etc etc
Hi Jazz Bling, how is it with you ?
Ive lost my 14yr old son, where has he gone . He doesnt seem to want me anymore just his dad. My 12yr old daughter lost her as well she just wants all material things. Devistated is not the word. Yes im back and not good sorry all.Im so tearful juist writing this.negative i know but how i feel.Thank you for all your support and kind messages on my page.xx Glad u all settled Skyflower.xx
ooooo Flowers I missed you ! sorry to hear its not good with you, is there anything I can do ? xx
thank you skyflower. i have written to u on my posting.x
Hi all, flowers, easy for me to say at this time, but our children don't stay children, they grow up and see the world through their own adult eyes. Just keep being consistent with your son. My neice was kept away from her dad, she is 19 now and going to uni and living her own life, their relationship is just starting to blossom again. Right now your son really doesn't want to be angry with you, but he is working through stuff in his own time. Keep strong for him.
To encourage people: All my teenagers are doing fantastically well!
No 3 son is applying for apprenticeships - he attends all his college classes and is the number one student there.
No 2 son has a job (it's not a fantastic one, but he got it through his own hard work) and is a reliable and valued employee.
Daughter works really hard for her GCSEs and has chosen responsibly for her A-levels.
two years ago we were in chaos!
Wow Hopeful, it is good to hear from you and particularly great to hear how things have improved for you and your family. I bet you would not have believed two years ago that this would every be the case! I do hope that people who are going through tough times will feel encouraged and that it can happen for them too
Hi Hopeful, just want to say thanks for sharing that!
You went through some very stressful times, got any top tips for others?
Tips? Oh dear! Hang in there, don't give up, love them through it.....
Coming here for (moral) support has definitely helped.
I don't think there's a straightforward recipe, everyone is different.
Hopeful, it really is so good to read that.
It is good isn't it sparklinglime, I agree and Hopeful I think those are great tips!
I remember when No 3 son said (I think it was early last year) that he won't be doing anything when he leaves school as it was not worth going to college as there were no jobs going. So good for him! And well done you too!!
I am struggeling to cope with predominantely my teenage son, hes been both physically and verbally abusive towards me for almost a year now. its nice to know that im not alone. all i do is cry all the time and wonder how i can turn this situation around im being threatened by social services who i thought having phoned them myself a yr ago for help and believing they'd be my salvation that he may be taken into care if he doesnt go to stay with his dad in france. im almost certain they wont get him there as he doesnt want to go and part of me wants this to escape a bit of respite from him too. please please advise me also his school attendance is only 36% i need a miracle. i accept ive got to change my parenting which has already started but nothing has happened yet that I could call positive what can you advise!!!
Hi Carol,
so sorry you have to go through this, what has happened that he has become like this? What does he say afterwards? What friends does he hang out with? I have a teenager son and after a few months into secondary school his attitude changed enormously. I do keep track whom he is seeing, Facebook, (he started also to be really angry and started swearing really badly saying swearing helped him calm down and all teenagers were doing it).
I asked him if he did that in school to the teachers and he said no of course not, so then I said if he could control it at school, then it was a choice. I have had regular conversations with him, when he was calm, because deep down he did not want to be like this.
1 I made sure he had regular sleep and was not anymore on gadgets half the night with his friends (so the worst contacts left him), this helped a lot.
2 I talked with him every day about his friends and explained that some friends were not welcome here and why, though of course he could meet up with them in the park if he wanted to (soon those friendships left as it made the friendships uneasy)
3 I make him tidy up his room and if he does swear, no pocket money and no sleep overs, or no more tv in his room
4 I followed a parenting course how to deal with disrespect from teenagers (where you get a lot of suggestions, or sometimes it is just to let of steam and find you are not the only one)
5. On here there were a lot of suggestions, including a page about teenagers, the parenting specialists will give you a link
You have to get the control back in your house, it is all about setting boundaries, stick to withdrawing priviliges when he is in such a way again. Talk with him. Give him special time. Give him love and attention. DONT cry in front of him but remain very calm and start talking slower, or wait with talking until he has calmed down.
With me it has worked really well, particularly after losing some of the friends which were not a good influence. My house is so much more peaceful now and again full of fun.
I so hope it will work out for you, sorry I cannot help more.
Aw, Carol, my heart goes out to you. My son was 15 when things came to a head (he punched me and I have several broken doors in the house) - maybe Anna or Louise can find the link to my original thread.
School attendance was never a problem for him (even though he got kicked out of school for an anger related incident). It was a case of really really concentrating on anything good he did and trying to ignore the bad things. I know that is really hard, but it's so worth it. It doesn't mean that everything calms down right away or that you are not allowed to lose your temper - you are only human, and they are minor setbacks.
The problem with my son was really low self esteem plus anger at his dad dying and his biological father not having contact at all - I think he felt (and still does to a certain extent) very abandoned. People did suggest to send him away (for example to my mum who lives abroad), but I think that would have been the worst I could have done, seeing that he felt abandoned already.
So when he kicked off, I told him as firmly but quietly as possible that I found that unacceptable and walked away. I had very few rules. One was curfew - I kept a list of his friends' phone numbers because he often 'forgot' his phone or broke it, and I would ring them, if he wasn't in at a certain time. He found that extremely embarrassing and it did make him cross and he told me I was out of order doing this, but eventually he just came home at the given time or rang me to ask permission to stay out a little longer.
When he did well, I made sure he 'overheard' me telling other people how well he had done and of course him as well. Plus I would get him a treat, like a chocolate bar or similar - he was really appreciative of that sort of thing. Praising him to his face he found quite embarrassing, but I could tell that he liked it.
He still has low self esteem - this shows in him wanting clothes with 'the' labels (he said to me recently, if he wears nice clothes he feels better).
We had a conversation about half a year ago, and he said you should treat people how they treat you. I said I disagree, you should treat people how you want to be treated and set an example rather than sinking to their level. He said I was wrong. So I said, do you think I should have kicked you out then, when you were really really horrible, and he said yes. I laughed and I said, I love you, I couldn't kick you out, and aren't you glad that I didn't. And he said he was.
Find the things (only 2 or 3) that are the most important. Reaffirm them. Don't get upset if things don't change overnight. And the hardest one: Keep calm and carry on. (But don't kick yourself, if you occasionally can't - have a look at my thread and count how many times people have told me that!) Use the rare brilliant moments to tell your son how brilliant you find those moments. It is going to take a long time and will be slow process, but don't give up on him!
PS: My son's room is a tip. I tend not to go in there unless we are running out of plates and glasses. One day I will sell the new life to Pfizer or Glaxo and then we shall be rich. The tidy room is not my battle though.
And I found my thread... http://www.onespace.org.uk/your-talk/discussions/loss-control
Hi Carol
The articles that Skyflower mentions are
5 top tips for dealing with disrespectful teenagers
Communicating with your teenager
Thanks to both Skyflower and Hopeful for sharing their stories, Carol please don't feel you are alone with this. It can feel very isolating, but as you can see from the stories above, others have managed to get through this.
Did you see the TV programme last night? My violent child? On the Channel 5 website there is a list of websites of charities that helped made the documentary, you may be interested in contacting them for more direct support click on this link.
Let us know how you get on. We are here for you.
Do you currently have a social worker?
Thank you for the link Anna, PQ already mentioned it but I could not find it
this message is really for louise having read the comments from all thank you for making me feel more human. I wanted to ask louise though in your reply you'd said I'd need tons of patience and love but also said about tough boundaries. I now realise to my cost that in previous years that has been lacking and I've given into him so much that now he's got no respect for my authority. I have however changed my parenting and started to put sanctions in place where i can without challenging him too much that he gets aggressive. could you please expand on what you did and what your meaning of tough boundaries are as i'm new to the concept of this type of skill and would appreciate any advice or encouragement i can get from not just yourself but anybody. i do find it hard to be consistant and to put into practice what ive said as i feel so guilty for doing it. its as if i allow myself to be that doormat and i do recognise that but then that fuels me resenting him for it
Hi carol, I am glad that you are feeling a bit more human by sharing stuff, reading others stories and hopefully realising that you are not a terrible person but actually a great mum who will go to any extreme to help her son through this difficult time.
Louise will be on the forums over the weekend, but I just wanted to suggest a Family Contract, I know this has been incredibly useful for parents. You make a deal together, your son might not stick to his and therefore there are consequences, however you stick to your side and you show him consistency. By having this contract stuck up on the fridge it reminds you, an him, that this was a prior agreement, not something that you have to deal with afresh.
Two other articles you may well be interested in are
Getting your child to co-operate
Disciplining your child on your own
I think we all feel guilty at different stages and it is really tough that there is no one next to you sharing the blame or reminding you that you are doing the right thing. It is incredibly tough, the people you love the most are hurting and we have to stand firm to help them grow into healthy adults. So we bear the brunt and probably only in about 10 years time, we will be able to recognise that all our tactics worked!!
Are you attending a parenting programme?
Hi Carol
I have been reading your story and I am so sorry you are struggling with this, you have my every sympathy. I hope that the stories shared by others will help you realise you are not alone. Anna has given you some really great links above which will help you look at the boundaries you mention.Did you watch the Channel 5 programme?
My top tips are:
Just tackle one behaviour at a time (and then move on to the next one)
Give your teen praise for anything decent they do (hard to find something sometimes!)
STAY CALM. Your heart may be hammering like a steam piston, you may want to run away and cry, but stay cool on the outside. Teens actually want you to be level and "boring", it's their only safety in a scary world.
Read my favourite book: see here
Carol, we are here to support you, you can do this!!
Yeah, read the book! :-) And stay calm (if you can. Like I said, I'd leave if I couldn't a lot of the time, but sometimes I blew my top, too). You can do it!!!
This is a wonderful stoey and I am so pleased for you guys.
Thank you for giving us hope