Hi,
This is the first time I've done anthing ike this Just wanted advice. I know my kids dad loves them but unfortunatey not as much as he loves himself. Ultimately very selfish. The latest is that our daughter has an important occasion coming up and he says he won't attend!! Who does that? I cannot go into the reasons but as I say- they're selfish. She told him she wants him there and now I'm terrified it will ruin her day. She's 8
Generally it's good although there is something hanging over us, sorry can't say more about it but it's someone else's business. This past week has been tough. We would both like to be friends, but I'm always doing it on his terms. People say I'm too soft but I can't help being nice. He is generally seeing them twice a week, I don't want that to stop but how a genuine , caring father refuse to show up when his daughter wants him there?
Do you think this is more about you than your daughter? Is he controlling?
What's his reason for not being there for your daughter?
He's not overally controling no, but always has the power to hurt her, that is my motivation, honestly. Like I said he won't come becase he's immature and selfish, really can't say anymore because it involves other people! Realise thats not helpful, just think if he was any sort of man, he would face upto anything to please his daughter
Hi there seriouslyannoyed,
Welcome to the boards. Please don't censor yourself on our account - the reason everyone at One Space has usernames is so that they can speak freely about situations in their lives without upsetting any one concerned.
Reading between the lines of the post above, I'm wondering if there will be someone present at the event your daughter wants her dad at who he doesn't want to see? Or is he like my ex, who seems to find parenting nigh on impossible; he has got a little better as the years have progressed - our daughter, A, is now 9 - but he still arranged to pick her up later than he usually does yesterday because there was a football match on he wanted to watch! I have to say that I'm at the stage where unless it puts me out I just bite my tongue and let him get on with it so that relations between us stay as harmonious as possible, for A's sake.
I take it you will be going to see your daughter's event? If not, is someone else going to watch? A has regular 'good work' assemblies at school which clash with my working hours, so I always take time to explain that I can't go but that grandma/family friend will be coming to watch and will tell me all about it.
Hi
My children's father regularly failed to attend what I considered to be important events. I would simply say he was busy and wasn't able to come, and would often blame his work. The children would not be happy but it made is easier for them to get their head around.
Reality was he had something better to do.
Later, after he remarried, he would not attend concerts in the primary school, as there are only two tickets per family, and he wouldn't go without his wife... Personally, especially with youngest's final concerts at the school I found it incredibly disappointing.
In time the children get used to it, and I used to say if Dad could be there he would. Eventually they stopped asking.
It is hard when you find that you want both of you to be there for your child/ren and do all you can to make it happen. You're not being soft, and doing what you can - even if it is on his terms - to make this work out for your daughter.
So long as you are positive about things with her, she will be fine. And if she does get angry, I found that letting my lot rant and rave and get it out of their system meant they felt better after knowing I'd listened.
I hope he makes it.
I'm not censoring myself, it's just a situation that involves other people which I am not comfortable talking about, but you guys have the jist.
I actually feel a bit better after off loading. I'm not the one letting her down, I'll be there for her.
What more can I do?
SA exactly that .... Your children will lern and you carnt do anything more
Glad you feel better for offloading x
Hi seriously annoyed and welcome from me too! I am coming into this conversation a bit late, but I am glad to read that you feel better for having off loaded. Thats what we are here for!
There is nay more you can do, as sparklinglime said, be there to listen, but try not to pay it no mind. The more we show our children that we are not happy with the situation, the more it adds to their emotional turmoil.
Has he told her that he is not going to her special occasion, or do you have to tell her?
I told her because I was so shocked he said it. I realise I should have left it to him. She hasn't spoken to him since but she said she wants him there. I can only hope she is just as honest with him!!
I have found that my lot never are honest with their Dad about things, as they don't want to upset him 
and are so pleased to see him when he's able to give them some time...
A will always see if I will attend things first - her dad is always '2nd choice' (I would be lying if I said this didn't please me on a certain level). When myself or my family can't make something she would like us to attend, I encourage her to ask him herself. On the odd occasion neither of us can make it, she has been fairly stoical.
I hope your daughter can be honest with her dad too, SA. Relationships based on honesty are the best way forward when they are possible (no reflection on your children, sparkling - I appreciate that everyone's circumstances are different.)
I know what you mean sprkling - the time he gives them is precious because I'm the one doing bedtimes teeeh bruhing etc. I make sure I send the homework down sometimes though!!!
I'm encouraging her to be honest with him. I may have to wipe the tears but in the long run I just have to be glad that she can open up to me. They know I will alway be here for them.
I know this has been all about my daughter, I must add that I also have a 5 year old boy.
Hi seriously annoyed good for you encouraging honesty, I think it is very hard for anyone to ask for what they want, but especially small children if they have been knocked back before.
Does your ex behave any differently with your son and any events he has?
Not really Anna, sometimes he's there , sometimes he's not. This is the first major thing he has decided not to go to but the has let them down before, not coming through on promises.
So, she was with dadeo tonight and didn't tell him her feelings. AHHH. When I asked her , she looked at me as if she had let me down. I'm suffering, she's suffering so obviously my son is too. It must hurt her daddy too. Why is this so frustrating?
Good question! It sounds as though you're doing all that you can though, SA. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) you can't control how your daughter or your ex act. I think it's a case of waiting it out. Hard, yes. But they have to have their relationship, just as you and your daughter have yours. I have to tell myself this with regard to A's dad quite often lately...
I do know and understand that. She loves him and I wouldn't have it any other way, really. Where are his balls though? why did he not bring it up? My son is easy, says exactly what he thinks! Whilst not always in my favour, at least I can appreciate that he's lashing out. I just want her to say t him what she can to me!
It can be so painful to watch our little ones struggle with these things isn't it, seriouslyannoyed. Hopefully you will get the chance to say to your daughter that you know how hard it is to tell someone how you feel.
I have spoken to her but as I suspected she was just happy to see him and didn't want to rock the boat so to speak, have an uncomfortable conversation. I know now why he didn't bring it up, he hasn't told th rest of his family tht he won't be going!
Hi seriously annoyed, your initial concern was that your ex not turning up to your daughters special day was going to be ruined for her. It seems as though although she is upset about it, she has bounced back and it will all be ok.
Children can be so forgiving and understanding. I am wondering how the rest of his family will see it?
I'm hoping she'll be fine, I told her that if he turns up he turns up and if he doesn't he does't and we'll still have a nice day. He hasn't told his family he won't be going. my side of the family are exasperated but there is little we can do
Seriouslyannoyed
I have to put a new script in my head.. it goes he is responsible for his actions and his choices I am not. If he chooses to hurt his children that is his choice and his doing not mine.
Now on to the children. I will ask if my children ask me to ask him, the things that are important to them. I back it up by email and for the things the kids have asked me to ask and are too scared to ask directly I ask in front of them saying x has asked me to ask you.......
Before I ask my ex, we "me and my child who is asking for y" have a discussion about the possible outcomes. ie agrees when asked but then changes mind after and it is okay for then to feel hurt if that is the case. It has come to the piont, I have fantastic kids, they have descided it is more important for them to ask for some things and it might happen, than not ask at all.
Like I say I can only be in charge of what I do and how I treat my children. Doesn't mean my heart doesn't break for them.
Nice post suneagle, thank you 
She is learning, she knows that he may well disappoint her but she also knows that I won't ever. I was worried that it would ruin her day but now I'm determined that I just won't bloody let him!! I'll make sure we all enjoy it
Good for you seriouslyannoyed! When is the occasion and what is it??
It's next month and it's a religious ceremony with a big family party after! He said he'll be at the eremony but not the party . I assume of course this means I'll be paying for everything!
Hmmm, I wonder if that is one of the factors in the mix for him, what do you think?
Do you mean he cannot afford it? He can certainly afford to contribute and is still telling me he will. Just not convinced
Sorry, I was meaning, is he trying to avoid contributing?
Louise, that's not the main motivation but I'm sure he'll be glad not to fork out a few hundred!!
I will be making sure she has a good day. I have asked him to reconsider for her sake. She is a sensible kid and realises that sometimes he does things she doesn't like. We have a very good support network and we will all rally around. We'll have to wait and see now
Yes, you're right, it is a case of wait and see
Hey guys,
Thought you would like to know that we had our event on Sunday and it went as smoothly as possible. Dad showed up (he hid in the corner but she didn't notice - it was enough that he was there) she had a great time and was spolilt rotten! !He told me afterwards that I had done her proud as did the rest of both our families! Another success story for single parents guys, we can do it, YAY!!
WELL DONE seriously annoyed I am so glad it went well and not only did she have a fab time, but her dad came along and was even complimentary. Hurray for you!
Excellent, well done you!
welcome
So are you separated?
It's devastating sometimes when you can see what your children desperately want and need and it's out of our control.
What's your relationship like with him, maybe you can tell us a little more so we can help x