Hello everyone,
only just found this site and it looks great,just what ive been looking for.
Hello three great kids and welcome along, good to see you.
You have certainly been through the mill and I guess it felt pretty safe whilst the children's dad was in prison but now you have to deal with him coming out again. I am thinking that if he wanted to visit then you would still be supervising? Certainly I would not be pushing to arrange anything yourself but if he gets in touch and asks to visit then you could consider this. Bear in mind that if he wanted to, he could take a court action to apply for defined parenting time and this may well be granted...even if supervised, so my own instinct would be to allow the visit (as at least things are within your control) However if he just "turns up" you could say that you need to arrange a specific time and that you will ask the childeren whether they wish to see him.
You may also like to consult our Legal Expert, who has lots of experience of these issues.
Thankyou for your reply,I wont be pushing for any contact, and I would of course be supervising any contact he had,it is more the upset that i know it would cause, him just showing up and being around again.
from past experience
he will say "Oh yes ill do this and that" and agree to anything i say but then just do what he wants anyway. He will probably start knocking on our door at all times day and night, with all sorts of excuses, eg: nowhere to sleep,hasnt eaten in days,has an illness,any excuse to get some attention from me.
He isnt really bothered about the children they are just a good tool to use to get at me! It is just so hard trying to explain to a 6 year old that her daddy isnt interested in her and how he can just forget about them,(of course i havent said this to her )she just thinks if he says sorry then perhaps he can come back(if only life was so easy).
I have consulted the legal expert on here and recieved some good advice i just need to follow up on what they said.
Hi Threegreatkids
How about you hopw have you coped being a single mum
HM
Hi threegreatkids and welcome from me 
My personal belief is that we should never bad mouth an absent parent, however in my own experience, I was able to say to my daughter, that X,Y & Z may happen. Daddy loves you, but he has a different way of doing things to the way I do things. Therefore you are preparing them (perhaps) for a fall.
He is their father and they have a right to know him if they wish. You are absolutely right, he is probably using them as pawns to keep contact with you. But this is where your boundaries need to be set in place. He needs to know that it is not ok for him to turn up whenever he feels like it etc. Although I know when you are dealing with an addict that they often find it difficult to listen to these requests 
However if he breaks one of your boundaries, then you need to be firm but fair. Almost like a primary school teacher!
I am glad that you have had some good advice from our legal experts.
How old are your eldest two children?
The problem really here is that they DO have a right to know him, i seem to have spent the last 10 years at least trying to get him to be a father to his children but he has no interest in them only if it suits his needs at the time.His whole life revolves around drugs, and there is no law that will make him be a father only one that will allow him to let them down when he dosent turn up for access or phone when he says... I have never bad mouthed him to my kids,it has been very difficult not to, but they dont really need telling they have lived it too,
my eldest are 20 and 13 the 20 yr old dosent want anything at all to do with his dad,ive even tried to persuade him that he should at least give him a chance as he is his dad....
the 13 yr old im not so sure about he bottles things up and dosent like to show what hes feeling,i know he misses him but i think he knows his dad will just let him down again and then he will feel stupid for giving him yet another chance.i know that feeling all too well and he wasnt my dad so it must be even more difficult for him to understand.
It is so horrible to see our children let down by their other parent, all we can do is be there for them and love them the best we can.
A friend once said to me that I can't control the relationship between my daughter and her father, it is their responsibility and we will never really know how either person feels. We can only be responsible for our own relationships. I found this useful when my daughter was small as it meant that I could let go a little.
Your 13 year old has to go through the process, perhaps as he gets older he will find his voice more and be able to say more about how he feels, it is so very hard on them isn't it.
Have you heard from your ex yet? Are you or your children in touch with his family at all?
no i havent heard from him, he may be out of prison and just keeping away i dont know,that was always one of his threats if i threw him out,that he would just leave town and the kids would never see him again.
he has a son with a previous partner who he hasnt seen or had any contact with for 23 years,
he didnt have much to do with his family he only had a brother and a mum and his mum died a few years ago, no im not in touch with any of his family, never have been i think they only saw our children twice.
I'm glad you got advice from our legal expert, threegreatkids; have you had chance to follow that up yet?
One of the things I think everybody struggles with is 'not knowing'. I imagine that as a result you spend a lot of time wondering if today is going to be the day your ex turns up at the front door with a 'sob story'. Difficult though it is, try to let it go. He may well have left town never to return. He might turn up wanting to see the children. But remember that you have the law on your side & you are the one with parental responsibility.
It sounds like your eldest has made his mind up. Anna is right, we can't have other people's relationships for them; not even if we want to. But it seems that if their dad does show up, then it might be best for supervised contact to take place for the younger two. If he lets them down, you will be there for them.
Thinking of you.
Mary
I think that is what it is that somehow he is still controlling things because he can just show up whenever he wants and i have no idea,
I dont actually think he will turn up i think he will probably just move town and carry on as he always has.
Perhaps you're right, threegreatkids.
I hope know you can always run things past us on the boards if he does appear.
i phoned the prison and hes been out for a while so dont think he will turn up
Ok that sounds like it is a relief.
here goes a little about me
after 21 years of a terrible relationship with my heroin addict ex, lots of debt and 3 children later
i finally woke up and ended it, after he made lots of threats of suicide,illness, he finally got the message that it was final and nothing was going to change.
he dissappeared for months then eventually got in touch and he visited the children 3 times with my supervision. then disappeared again.
Then i find out he is in prison for drug dealing,
the kids dont want to see him well, the 2 oldest dont.
the youngest is 6 and misses him
anyway he is due out any time now and i know that he might turn up and upset all the hard work i have done with the children it has taken them a long time to get over our split and are now quite happy(happiest they have ever been)
i dont know what to do
can i stop him seeing the youngest child?
should I ?
do i let my children get hurt all over again?
please offer any advice