Hi am a single mum of 42 years old. My ex left me four years ago but I can’t seem to break free completely. He left me in a lot of debt from his business, to cut a long story short, I was in a deep depression, under a psychologist, and had to go bankrupt. He remains in debt. He bought the equity in the domestic house and the rental property. I started divorce proceedings three and a half years ago; I have the decree Nisi but am stuck on the financials. My solicitor put forward the agreement that he has the rental property and I have the domestic property as I am paying that mortgage, which is big. In six years we either reportage or sell the relevant property to release the other person. But he says that he can’t afford the remaining legal fees to do the conveyancing to transfer the equity and ownership into my name for the domestic property. So my divorce is hanging by a thread and I can’t cut it, so he is holding all the cards, or so he likes to think. He knows I can’t afford to take him to court with a solicitor and doesn’t think I have the guts to take him on my own.
I am stressed out, I work part time for a local company and then two days self-employed with other self-employed work from home. I am juggle work, domestic duties, children and I feel like I am just treading water. I am over my depression now but I am constantly stressed.
My daughter is a controller like her dad and has padded since she was two, she is now 10 1/2. My son is so laid back and as long as he can do his own thing is a dream. I give them both loads of attention, once they are home from school my son goes up in his room but is not moody and I sit with my daughter after tea and help her with her homework unless she is happy playing at dancing with her iPod. They both have activities that I drive them to so my life is extremely busy and I am constantly trying to keep up with everything.
So what am I doing wrong? My daughter is a constant stress she can be so sweet and lovable but 80% of the time it feels like she is trying to control me by screaming and paddying, yes paddying at ten. I have done the triple P, I’ve read numerous books, I've enquired with various websites on parenting skills but I feel a total failure. I try to explain to her the need for good behaviour, but because I am stressed out trying to keep up with work and desperately trying to keep on top of my finances in order to save something for the future and repair the financial wreck that my ex has caused. I start with the calm voice, reminding her of the consequences and yes I have carried them out but she just doesn’t learn. It’s not like she misses her dad, she has been like this since she was two, and she sees him every fortnight and sometimes on a Thursday. He won’t get a regular job; he works on contracts so his hours and place of work can change from month to month. He rings them both and speaks to them but not regularly, it could be every other night one week and not at all another week. She knows that she can ring him whenever she wants to but never asks and is only on the phone two minutes when she does speak to him.
I just don’t know what to do I am trying so hard to be a good mum and to improve her behaviour, whilst keeping the peace between her and her brother, who says he hates her at times. I am trying to be a good employee and consultant to my customers juggling my work and doing a good job for them. My parents are fantastic they have helped me far more than you can believe and I just want to show them how much I appreciate it and get my life in order by having a happy home with happy children and a good job that provides for our future but I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Its five years and her behaviour haven’t changes and I feel that I am still low quality at work at times.
This seems like a long moany introduction but I can be a positive jolly person, I am just typing from the heart so it’s not coming out as I think it.
Has anyone got any tips on parenting and juggling work? I know it’s hard for all single mums so I joined this for some advice and to help others too.
Hi thank you for your reply,
As far as my work goes it is difficult to change at the moment, or I can’t see how I can, any suggestions would be appreciated. Monday to Wednesday I am employed which gives me security and I work 9-1pm which means I can drop off and pick up the kids. From 1 until 3 I am then cramming odd jobs in that customers send me and it is difficult to say no as I want to maintain their work. Thursday Friday I work 9-5 (9-2.30 every other Friday) as my ex mother in law picks the kids up on a Thursday and every other Friday I pick them up. Here I visit five customers either once a fortnight or once a month with another new customer slipping in the gaps. I have regular jobs I do when I am there but there is always something that needs doing which gets me behind on the other stuff. I have been doing a mentoring scheme and they encouraged me to increase my prices and market myself but my customers are a little cautious as they are trying to keep their prices down. As I work in the Health and Safety field I need to keep up with legislation etc. so I am using the price increase to develop my skills by doing a home study course (yes more work) The reason I put all this pressure on my self is because I have a big mortgage on a house that has little equity at the moment, I need to ensure I can pay the mortgage, maintain the house and try and safe for financial security. The reason being the children have been through so much and I really don’t think they want the upheaval and upset of moving in to a rented accommodation just now as I would not be able to get a deposit together or a mortgage to buy a house at the moment.
My daughter does not have a little paddy she throws things at me and when I stay calm and walk away she follows me and continues to harass me by shouting at me and sometimes repeating ‘mum mum mum mum ….’ Over and over and just ignoring me when I do speak and because she is making so much noise she can’t hear what I am saying. It’s not so bad when we aren’t going anywhere but when she is making us late for school/work or going out anywhere it is really difficult to stay calm and wait it out. I try and try by staying calm and stating the consequences but she does not care. She makes me feel like I am the one in the wrong. Afterwards she says she is sorry and that she can’t do anything right. I tell what a wonderful girl she is and that I will always love her not matter what. I explain the importance of whatever it was she would not do but she seems to have a mental block when she has her paddy.
When my son says he hates his sister I explain that I am trying to sort it out and point out incidences when she has been good but he is not convinced. He does not like shouting and just disappears when she starts. He has gone to school upset and Stoney faced before now because I have ended up shouting and begging her to get ready for school.
I know if I can sort out the problems with E the other things should fall into place but I just don’t know what to do any more. I sometimes feel I am not consistent enough but its hard to keep track of what you have said when there is so much going on. I have tried to find a private councillor or child psychologist who cant talk to us and provide advice as I don’t want to go down the CHAMS route as it would involve including her dad and he would just take over. Give him an inch and he will take a yard. He has mentally controlled me over the years and people cannot believe how much I have changed in my personality since he left.
Dear Tarragon Willow
What a lot you are dealing with.
Firstly I was thinking about your divorce, I am wondering whether you can psychologically cut the cord of the divorce and just let it go. It is currently only a piece of paper and if you can lose any emotion to it, you might find that the need to persevere with anything lessens?
Thinking about work, I can understand how hard it can be to say No when you are dealing with work clients a) because they bring the money in b) you want to keep them as satisfied clients, however perhaps it is time to think about what would be the healthiest option here, I understand that you want to save for the childrens future, but here and now is the most important time and your children need to you be feeling strong and in control.
Which leads me onto the next point of your daughter. I am wondering how much 'quality' time you get to spend together? When all the focus is on her and her interests, when you are just hanging out and enjoying her company, ie showing her that she is a valid, important, unique individual, who you like?
On this same point I was wondering if it feels as though there is a lot of past hurt in your house? When your ex left, you were very low at a time when your children needed you to be strong? We have all been there, it is incredibly hard to parent effectively when we are coping with our own emotions, however your children are still young enough to be shown that you are there now, that you have boundaries and expectations of them.
It sounds as though her behaviour is incredibly challenging, you could go and talk to your GP about it and also go and speak to someone at her school?
Have a look at this article about CAMHS, it gives some good information. Your daughter has learnt controlling behaviours from her father from an early age, so it would be great for you to get some support with this.
I am also wondering how your son is doing, it is normal for siblings to fight, however it sounds as though he tends to keep himself to himself?
One thing that popped into my head, that might be a great family bonding experience would be a PGL Family Adventure holiday!
It worked wonders for mine and my daughters relationship and she still talks about it now! You generally do lots of fun and interesting stuff with other families, climbing, rafting all sorts and generally work as a team. The accomodation is fine and all food is provided, so as a parent you don't need to worry about anything except packing and getting there! They also do some great deals!
Sorry such a long post, so much to say :)
Thank you for your comments. As far as work goes I am trying to secure my work so that I can pay the mortgage and bills. The interest rates are low now and I can’t fix my mortgage or get a new one so I need to study and keep my customers happy in order to give me the option to increase my working hours and rates in the future to pay the increasing bills. I pick the children up Monday Tuesday, some Wednesday and every other Friday, after school and don’t work when they are at home.
I try to do things with my daughter such as crafts, baking etc but she does not always want to do those things. I have joined the wildlife trust so that we can go online together and also do the wildlife workshops at the weekends and school hols. I do take her out but because she does not have a sister and her brother is five years older she often wants to take a friend when we go out for the day.
I know I'm not the strictest parent around, some may say I am too soft but I do give consequences and stick by them 90% of the time. She will have an angry outburst and then get upset say she is really sorry and seems to regret it and become angry with herself. But she just does not learn from her behaviour she does it all again. She is so cheeky to me and sometimes talks to be like another child the playground who she does not like. I tell her off and use the 'positive phrases' such as 'speak nicely to me' but it does not work. My mum is worried about her and she is seventy now so it worries me having my mum worry so much about my daughter and me.
I would take her to CAHMS but I know that my husband, who was a controlling husband and who my daughter is frightened of me involving, would take over. He refuses to listen to some one else’s point of view and he is always right. We have got things on a settle basis with the children and I don’t want to upset things by giving him the opportunity to interfere (I know he is her dad but he is belittling)
I have tried triple P but what I would like to do is be able to talk to someone, a councillor that I can work with without it costing me £40 per hour. My daughter refuses to see anyone about it I tried to get her to do an art therapy class but she refused and got really upset.
Does anyone have any advice as to where I can go for advice?
Thank you and sorry for moaning so much
Hello Tarragon Willow
Sorry to hear that your going through a difficult time, and there is no need to apologise we all need someone to listen to us from time to time.
It sounds like your saying there is not much you can do in regards to your housing situation, have you contacted Shelter (click link for website) to see if they have any suggestions on way's you can elevate some of the pressure there.
I think that you may benefit from some support locally, i don't think that CAMHS would be able to help as the threshold for their services is rather high aswell as being in high demand and there being long waiting lists to be seen.
You could contact your local Family Information Service who should be able to put you in contact with the local Parent Support Team or services that will be able to support you with your daughters behaviour.
You could also contact the school to see if they can support you in anyway. Is her behaviour the same at school or is it only when she is at home?
Hi Tarragon and welcome to One Space
It sounds as though you are having a tough time, I am sorry you haven't had a response sooner.
Firstly, with regards to finalising your divorce, would you consider going to court and representing yourself? Is this something you have been considering? If you wanted any further legal advice, please feel free to contact our Legal Expert.
It sounds as though you are finding working 2 jobs quite demanding, is there any changes you could make here? How is your own business going?
I am sorry to read that you are feeling so stressed, its not easy being the main care giver, bread winner, cook, taxi, washer, cleaner, entertainer etc etc etc however its great that you recognise that it has just got too much, this is the first step towards controlling it.
I think it is very normal for 10.5 year olds to have tantrums, she has found in the past that it works and she continues to use it either to get what she wants or to release her own tension. You say that she has a paddy to control you.....does it work? How do you react to her behaviour? How would you like to react?
How do you tackle it when your son says he hates his sister? Sorry lots of questions, I think you have an awful lot on your plate right now and am trying to separate the different areas.
I am of the thinking that if you are able to work on one of them then other things fall into place.
Please do not for one minute believe that you are a failure, we are all parents and we are all doing the very best we can for our children and I don't believe for one moment that you have ever stopped trying. Beating yourself up isn't going to help anything. Accept with grace that you are great mum