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When me and ex split, he admitted to sleeping with someone else, but said that it was a one off and he deeply regretted it. When he left he promised on J's life that there was no one else. I had my suspicions but believed him. There were a few times that I thought he had someone else, but he kept denying it, told me I was paranoid and insecure and I never believed anything he said. When he went on holiday on his own last year I asked him if he was really going on his own, but he went mad at me and said why wouldn't he go on his own, and generally made me feel really bad for Not believing him. When he started seeing girlfriend this year, I asked if she was the one he cheated with, but again got told not to be stupid.
Monday morning I woke up to find a big envelope through my door. In it was a note that said 'she broke up your family, she's not getting her claws into mine. You deserve to know the truth'. There were also loads of pictures of ex and his 'new' girlfriend going back over the past two years. He has been lying to me continually and then blaming me for doubting him. There were pictures from his girlfriends Facebook account showing the holiday they went on last year, the one he supposedly went on on his own. I know it was the same holiday, they were some of the same pictures he'd shown me. I feel heartbroken all over again. Why lie to me, to his whole family? Why not just say if the was someone else?
My dilemma now is, do I let him know that I know? I've always suspected it, so just had my suspicions confirmed, so do I not say anything to him and rest in the fact that I was right? Part of me really wants to lay into him and tell absolutely everyone what a lying b@&£!? he is, but the other part of me doesn't know what purpose that would serve. The other problem is that when he started seeing her she would have been only just 17, which to be honest sickens me. Help!!
Oh Looby what a horrible shock.....and yet not a shock as you suspected all along. Horrible to have suspicions confirmed though, and to know what a series of lies he has told, and he even promised on J's life. Trust has gone out the window.
Sparkling is right: the pictures do not change the external situation; you will live as you have lived. I do agree that it would be good to let him know that you know but why waste the energy in having a go at him. I would keep a copy of the photos though, so that you have the proof of what you say.
Sounds like the envelope was from someone whose partner is now with this girl? Bit unsure of their motivation as you don't really have contact with the girlfriend anyway.....What do you think?
hi looby aw i really feel for u i do no wot uer goin thru, i always ad my suspicions bout my ex, he alway let me down ,didnt cum ome, he said i was paranoid and basically said i was goin mad, wasnt gud relation ship anyway, found out in court he as never lefty his girlfriend and he as a new 7 month old baby i new nothin bout oh and a very violent criminal past, i hate him now, all tym he accused me of cheatin, sad, bet i wudnt ever found out if he adnt tuk me court over acess to our little girl, hes not allowed contact ,ope ur ok hunxi wud show him copies and see wot he say but these men stil deney it, but court was how i found out, glad i no now cos ad no contact at allx
Hi looby, the bottom line is you need to ensure that you are safe. As Louise says this doesn't change the situation other than your suspicions have been confirmed.
Personally I wouldn't raise the issue. You have knowledge and knowledge is armour and power at the best of times. If you lose your cool, he will gain the upper hand very quickly.
I am sorry that you received this shock, but hopefully it will put things for the past two years into perspective?
Thank you all. I know deep down there is no point in me saying anything, but part of me would like the immense pleasure of letting him know that I know everything and that he has been talking a load of "'@&£? the past couple of years. As Anna said though, knowledge is power! No matter what he says in the future, I will know the truth!!
Louise I took it that someone is wanting to cause trouble for ex's girlfriend and thinks that by telling me I'll be the one to do it. Seems to have come about at a weird time though, as ex and girlfriend have been falling out recently and she spent all day Saturday out drinking with her friends! It's probably her wanting me to find out lol.
It is J's parents evening tomorrow and ex has just text me to see what time he should pick me up. I've told him I'll meet him there. Probably best if we not alone in a car for any length of time!
Morning.
Well I'm glad I didn't say anything. We got through parents evening ok, although he did want to know why I didn't want him to pick me up and why I was so happy. I'm happy because I've realised you talk a load of rubbish and I feel free! It has been true, after the initial upset over finding out he'd been lying, I have felt freer this week than I have in a very long time! I cetainly had power over him on Thursday night at parents evening. I looked at him at first and thought you lying git, but then it was like i was looking at him through a different set of eyes. I saw him for the sad, lying coward that he really is.
It may all come out in the open anyway, although not by my hand. His girlfriend has started becomeing friends with his family on Facebook. Lets hope that they see the photos's!
Have a lovely day, I'm off to do my shopping.
Enjoy your shopping looby 
Hi Looby. Well done you on not saying anything. That must have taken some doing! Like others have said, the pictures don't change anything, just confirm what you knew all along, and what he was too cowardly to admit. He was a cheat, and you knew it, you weren't going round the twist. Gut feelings and all that.
Hope you have a good shopping trip, and are able to treat yourself to something nice.
hi looby how are today ope ur ok, see id av to say summat to him thts just me i cudnt keep it in, xx
I will admit it was very difficult to not say anything. I nearly bit my tongue in two! At least when it all comes out now, he can't have a go at me because I've had nothing to do with it!
I enjoyed my shopping, picked up some bits for J for Christmas and also got myself some bling for the works Christmas party in a couple of weeks. I am actually wearing a dress for the first time in years!
I am babysitting tonight for my two week old niece. My sisters older daughter is in intensive care at the minute with pancreatitis, so I am helping out. She is so quiet I have to keep checking on her! J was a very noisy sleeper, but this one is so quiet. A sleepless night for me me thinks!
Hi Looby,
A was the same when she was a baby - she slept so soundly & breathed so shallowly I kept having to go & put my hand on her chest to reassure myself! Sorry to hear about your elder niece - pancreatitis is really unpleasant. Hope she's feeling a bit better soon.
It sounds as though you did what was right for you with regard to your ex. I'm sure the sender of your 'little package' thought they were being helpful by showing you the truth; and I understand that enjoyment of being able to see your ex with new eyes and for what he really is. Really empowering, isn't it?!
As you say, you're well placed 'out of' the situation. Whatever happens next is his concern and not yours.
Enjoy the Christmas party - I'm sure you'll look fabulous.
Mary
I hope your niece gets better very quickly looby. How lovely that you're able to babysit.
I'm glad you enjoyed the shopping.
I have 100s of emails printed off and in a filing box. In a way to prove that I was right to do what I did. Only I have seen them...
Hi looby, it is absolutely brilliant that you held your tongue and that you are feeling strong and free - lovely to read that.
It does give you power in an odd sort of way, if you had raised it, you would now be in a different kind of torment/argument with your ex. Right now you are in control and able to see clearly for the first time in a long while.
Are you enjoying having a two week old in the house?
Fortunately my niece only stayed the one night! It was nice to have her, but it was nice to hand her back. I was scared of breaking her lol. She's only a tiny 5lb, where J was nearly 9lbs born. She was just so tiny. The good news is that my other niece is out of intensive care and well on the mend. Good old QMC!
I am glad to hear that your niece is getting better Looby, and how lovely to babysit such a young baby. As you say it's great to hand them back.
I recently offered to look after my brothers twin boy's they are only about two months old, i had forgot how much work they are at that age, but then i did have two of them!
What are you up to this week Looby?
Hi Looby, just read your story and it sounds as though what your ex has done will come back to bite him on the bottom without you divulging what you know. My ex did something similar and tried to convince me I was going mad, so much so that I did for a short time and then realised I was right all along. I even went to her flat one time to return our daughter and I realised 'his' car was there. She was denying to me that he was there, not knowing he was stood right behind her!! Suffice to say I woke up and smelt the coffee.
I havent always been dignified which is my regret, but as time has slowly passed more and more has come back to bite her on the bottom. Like you say he is a coward for not admitting the truth. Perhaps he thought you would use 'J' to get back at him as my ex has used our daughter to get at me for divorcing her I guess? Just glad to be out of it and now getting on with our lives. Good luck with everything!!
Hi Looby
My ex is a compulsive liar - or a sociopath not sure which! I too have experienced knowing information and not letting him know. The biggest of which was when I found out he had cheated on me and was with someone else's wife (her husband phoned me to tell me) then the lady in question dumped him two days later which I found out again from the husband. I really enjoyed knowing this and not saying anything.
Even knowing XH will lie as soon as breathe, I didn't get a proper wake up call until May this year when he told me he doesn't lie to me anymore. That night I found out that in the conversation just before that one on the same day he told me a huge lie.
i don't believe he will ever change and I am having to train myself not to believe anything he says. It's hard because I tend to take people on face value and I pride myself on not holding a grudge. With him I have to protect myself though.
Gem
x
hi i found out in court my ex ad secret life, new baby and he ad never left his girlfriend,and his criminasl violent past, these men are evil
There are good and bad men, just as there are good and bad women. And it is very rare for anyone to be ALL good or ALL bad.
However, when we have experience of someone's less than honest behaviour then YES! we need to learn that that person will not be straight with us. Sounds so simple, written like that. and yet that is the bottom line.
If it were me, I'd be tempted to hand him the envelope (or copies perhaps). As for laying into him, perhaps that's wasted energy...
However, if he has a mind set like my ex then he wouldn't know the truth if he tripped over him or it hit him in the face, as I believe the tale weaved is one that my ex believes to be the truth.
It doesn't change the situation other than knowing that you were right to feel as you did.