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I live with my two boys, aged 3 and 5. I have lived in this house for ten years. My ex moved in here 8 years ago and moved out a year ago. He has been living at his mothers house ever since and has absolutely no intention of getting his own place.
Ever since he moved out, he has been coming around here twice a week to put the kids to bed, in addition to having them overnight at his (his mothers) house every other weekend. At the beginning I was grateful for this; I was adjusting to being a single parent and so when he would come round after work to put them to bed, I was grateful for being able to escape to a friends house for a couple of hours or so to have a breather. It worked well.
However it isn't working so well now. He's still coming round twice a week after work, sitting on my sofa playing on his phone mostly, drinking my coffee. Sometimes he plays with the boys, most of the time he just sits on his bottom watching TV with them until he puts them to bed (later than I've asked him to of course) and snaps at them when they act up trying to get his attention when he's playing on his phone for ages at a time.
I don't begrudge him time with the boys but when he comes round it means I need to go out. I won't allow an atmosphere in my house, I grew up with that and I don't want my boys to have to. So, twice a week when he comes round, I have to find a friends house to go to, often having to walk ages in the rain and wind, so he can sit on my sofa and play on his phone and watch telly with the kids.
He lives a 15 minute drive away so I appreciate that it's difficult for him to take the boys to his house for tea and back after he finishes work at 5, and that it wouldn't be cost or time effective to take them out to a pub or something for tea twice a week. So I made the suggestion that instead of coming over two nights a week for a couple of hours, that he has them overnight one night in the week. He has to come to my town to go to work in the morning anyway, so he could just drop the boys off fed and dressed to me in the morning so I could take them to school and childcare. But no, he says this would be "too difficult" and "too much of a rush" when he has to get ready for work. I can't drive so it's not possible for me to help with drop-offs or pick-ups, which of course I would if I could.
So I'm finding myself in the position where I am feeling very very angry and resentful towards him. I feel like I'm having to give up my space so that he can see his children more, and if I don't then I'm the evil witch who's keeping him from them. He treats my home like its his own, going through my drawers looking for things he wants to use like the card reader for online banking or the myriad cr*p in the former "man drawer". My next step is to go through my house with a fine tooth comb for every little thing that is his, so he has no reason to be going through my drawers any more, but I will still feel like I need to hide things. I don't trust him to respect my space.
I hate to admit this because the boys adore their dad but I often wish he would just lose interest and stop bothering. I know that's an awful thing to say and i don't really mean it; I'm just so incredibly fed up with this situation and I feel like there's nothing I can do to make it any better. I'm already staying in this town, rather than moving 200 miles away to London which is where I really want to be, so that he can have regular access to his children and he can't even be bothered to get a flat in town so he can see them on his own, without having to completely infringe on my time and space.
So.... I am considering telling him that this situation is no longer working for us and that if he wants to see the boys in the week he will have to come up with some other arrangement, but I'm worried to because of the inevitable sh*tstorm it will cause. Things are strained between us at the moment anyway - as some of you know he is expecting another child with his rebound ex girlfriend who also happens to be a former good friend of mine.
Am I being really selfish? What would you do if you were me? Any words of wisdom or advice would be very appreciated. Thank you.
Hi just_immi
I'm with skyflower on this one, it is his responsibility to figure out the contact details, you have given him another alternative, which he refused, the ball should be in his court now.
Difficult conversation to have considering all that has gone on, but one you will have to ahve if your to sort this situation. skyflowers suggestion of talking to him somewhere neutral is a good idea. What about an email or letter if your worried about his reaction?
Oh and i don't think your being selfish at all, if anyone is being selfish it's probably him.
it is him just immi, you have been so very very kind
skyflower, thank you so much, I think sometimes we get so used to unhealthy situations that we don't realise quite how unhealthy they are and for how long they've been that way. it's so so great to hear my own feelings validated by somebody away from the situation. I really appreciate it, thank you.
Sally, yes you are right, I sort of feel like it's somehow my job to think of an alternative but I have offered him an alternative as you say and it was turned down. I don't even think it would work, he lives in a farmhouse and the kids always come home stinking of aga smoke so he would have to bath or shower them in the morning before coming home, and he definitely wouldn't do that as it would be far too much work in his eyes.
I've been complaining to people that his parents are enabling him to continue behaving like a child but it's becoming evident now that I am doing the very same, by allowing him to use my space and time to see his children I have made it okay for him to not move out and get a place of his own that makes it easier to spend time with his kids. It's not on for him to say how much he misses them and how much he wants to see more of them, but to expect everybody else to facilitate that.
Thank you ladies. Truly, it's so good to know I'm not in the wrong here.
Good Luck with it just_immi, were here if you need us 
Good luck just_immi, I think a letter or email like Sally says, is a very good option as he will be alone reading it and can think about it. xx
Thank you ladies x I've no doubt I'll be leaning heavily on you guys in the coming months... apologies in advance!! haha.
haha, glad to be of service just_immi, hope it goes well for you and glad to see your spirits lifted a bit we are all here for you when you need, go fight girl and get your freedom back !! x
Hi just_immi, I have nothing to add to what the others have said. Don't be scared of his reaction, that is his choice and his responsibility. State what you want or need to change ie: After February I don't want you in my house anymore, I need you to think of how and when you would like to see our boys.
You do not need to explain yourself.
Often in a situation like this you will be asked why, and how inconvenient it all is, and what impact it will have the boys and how you are breaking a happy arrangement etc etc etc. But you have thought it all through and know that this is what you would like to happen, so therefore try not to get tangled into the questions on Why's or Hows, you don't need to justify yourself.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Hi just_immi, I agree with the others. I experienced a similar situation to you, facilitated my ex seeing his children for a year until I finally saw through him. He would sit and chat to the kids for a while but then would start wandering around the house. He would even look in the fridge!! I'm not sure what he was looking for (if anything) and now think he was doing it to make me feel uncomfortable (which it did). He would always ask to have a bath (as he only had a shower at his) - looking back I was silly to let it go on for so long, but I thought I was doing the right thing, enabling him to see the children in their own home a few times a week.
My son was the one who constantly would say, "what's he doing here? He doesn't even live here".
Your kids love their Dad so they would be happy spending time with him wherever. You are going to get the questions as Anna says, but don't doubt yourself, stay strong, and don't let him pull you down that emotional route. You are providing him with an easy solution, of course he's going to kick back if you take this away from him.
When I told my ex he had to stop coming around he told the children that he wasn't allowed at the house anymore, that Mum didn't want him to be there and that was all. So horrible.
I'm sending you lots of strength for that difficult conversation.
Anna, thank you, yes I was running over the conversation in my head earlier today and kept wondering how I would explain my reasons in a kind and easily understandable manner but you're absolutely right, I don't need to explain the reasons, the reasons are obvious and if he doesn't understand them... well, it's not really my problem. I will of course explain if he asks why but apart from that I will simply say that this situation is not working any more, offer the once weekly overnight alternative, and leave the rest up to him.
Aunt Flo, thank you, it's good to hear from someone who had such a similar situation and for around the same length of time. It is ridiculous, he will sometimes just go on upstairs to go into the loft to get something without asking if he can. I was even giving him his flippin' dinner when he came over for a while but I stopped that a while ago. How did things settle down afterwards? Did he make it difficult for a while? Thank you for your support.
Just stick to your guns and you'll be o.k. Have you thought about when your going to approach him with this?
Thank you Sally. I think I'm going to approach him after Valentines weekend - it's his weekend to have the children, and I am going away for a couple of days to visit friends in London, and I have a feeling that if I upset him he might feign illness or something and not have the boys. I mean, I don't really believe he would do that, however much he hates me he loves his children more, but I am really really looking forward to it and I don't want to risk missing out. So... I think I will speak to him shortly after I get back.
Hope you have a nice time just_immi with your friends in London and keep my fingers crossed for you xx
Thank you. I can't wait :)
Sound like you have a plan just_immi, i hope you enjoy your break.
Enjoy your weekend ,u deserve it.x
Hi just_immi, that sounds like a good plan, I hope talking it out on here has made you feel stronger and more determined.
What are your plans for London? Just chilling with friends or party party party??! 
Just_Immi,
I fully understand how it started off as something nice, but this sounds truly unhealthy as it is not his house anymore but he treats it as such twice a week. Going through your drawers ? I would be very upset with that.
For you to HAVE to find something to do so he can be a father in your space is also not good for you at all. No wonder you are fed up with the situation.
It should be arranged so it would be and give you a break from being a lone parent, this is just a very stressful situation
You have done your bit and given him time to adapt and find himself a place. Your space is private and he really should only be picking them up and bringing them home from your doorstep when mutually agreeable. You don't have to think up how he is supposed to do that. That should be HIS responsibility. You are ever so kind,
what about a neutral place to invite him to or tell him you like to talk with him (not at your home and not after he has just seen the kids as it can escalate) and just say that you have given him enough time now and now it is time for him to solve this situation, giving him an ultimatum for him to solve it ? That he now should just pick them up and bring them back home like all other fathers do?
Very hard I wish you courage x