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That's great that you now have a system in place, LolaAnnMitzy. What a lot you have achieved in such a short time.It sounds as if you are really moving foward now.
Now how about changing your number and getting a new SIM card?
hi how are u hun,im so upset and angry with myself,ex went to work last night he rang at 9.20pm then i never heard off him,seems like he mithers me then when i give in to him he lets me down, he txt this morning sayin hope im in a beta mood with him, he didnt even mention not comeing back to mym, fuming,he as not come back alot, so for him to do it again, al e can say is dont be dickhead and keep me away all weekend,even tho it was him who let me down, he twists it round on me,hate him so much, ive txt him told him dont contact me again, he will tho, back 2 square 1
Hi LolaAnnMitzy, good for you, it sounds as with the right support you have felt enabled to deal with this situation and have come away feeling calm and in control.
It will be interesting to hear what the police can do tomorrow with 'D', try not to get your hopes up that they can really do very much, but fingers crossed it gets the message across to him.
I hope that keira reads this and realises that the police can help.
Your message sounds as though you have decided that you are definitely going to keep the baby? You will need some peace and relaxation from here on in if so, what nice things can you do for you?
Police were useless (in a sence) they decided a harrassment warning was not needed, but are still keeping me on this list they have as all calls treated urgent. They went round to his house today and gave him a good telling off basically. His probation officer has been in touch to see if i am ok and she will be giving him a telling off and to tell him if it hapens one more time she will issue him with a warning (which will be his final one) meaning he will be sent back to prison for 15 months. Also my frameworker asked where 'D' lives. Turns out 'D' lives in the town Framework run from haha. Also found out because my frameworker asked his address, that 'D' actually LIVES in a framework house LOL. He is also going to issue 'D' with a warning as these shared houses, run by framework, are for vulnerable young men. He was classed as vulnerable because he was homeless and just out of prison. But he will be issued with a warning because of other vulnerable people in the house and they cant have violent or abusive people in them, weither they are violent or abusive to people in the house or outside. He gets 2 warnings and the third is eviction. Aparently he has already had one warning after his brother 'J' started a fight with one of the neighbouring properties. So basically he screwed up when he messed with me lol. It was just pure coincidence my frameworker called when i recieved the text, and i happened to mention that i thought 'D' had a frameworker aswell so asked him to look into it. And me phoning his probation officer was just on a whim that she might be able to tell him to back off. And she did. 'D' text me today 'im sorry x' he then sent 'please talk to me im sorry x' he then called but i ignored it (and the texts) i then at about 7pm recieved a very long text. I dont want to write it all, but this is some of what he said
''if you want to keep the baby im happy, if you want to terminate then im sad but im sure it would be for the best. you would not go to those lengths for no reason. but lets just leave that one for now. what i have done is bad and i am really sorry. i dont even know why i did it, not going to make excuses. im sorry''
Dont know what to make of that one. I sent back, simply, ''ok'' that was it. And he hasnt bothered me since. If we can at least sort out his temper and he can be the 'D' he was before he went into prison, then i would be more than willing to
hi police are useless, like lola says,
Hi LolaAnnMitzy
That all sounds very positive. Ok you may not have had constructive help from the police but all the other things are real sanctions that can happen against D. In fact, it sounds as though there is a distinct possibility that he may return to prison.
So.....the baby. Did you phone that counselling line that Anna gave you? Have you made a definite decision now?
Hi LolaAnnMitzy
How are you today? have you contacted the womensaid number the police gave you?
No i havent contacted the councilor or womens aid. I have decided to have the baby. Me and my daughter are moving to Liverpool with my mum and sister and 'D' isnt going to know the baby exists. He is now under the impression that i am booked in for an abortion next friday. I am going to allow him to think this, move to Liverpool, we will be there by June so i wont really be showing and i will bring up the baby alone. I have changed my number as well.
Saw him today in the shop and we spoke a little bit, i told him im leaving (didnt say where i was going) he said sorry again, thats when he asked if i will be aborting the baby, i saw a chance and i took it. I said yes, he said
''it might be for the best, lets face it. Still dont agree but like i said its for the best''
(i milked it, haha) is said
''Thats a little harsh, you didnt have to say that, you could have just said ok or something, its a hard decition you know''
he said
''Your only doing it to please your self''
is said ''No'' so he ended it with ''well lets just leave it then''. I said sorry to him and he said ''forget it'' so i think thats it. Do i sound stupid if i say my heart is breaking though ? He was my friend all thoses years and i addore him. Then it all suddenly changed when he got out of prison. im not exagerating when i say my heart is breaking, i feel like i have lost a part of me and i dont understand why. Im happy, but feeling completly lost and alone with out him. he was my best friend.
LolaAnnMitzy, I know that you are hurting and feel like you have lost something precious, but someone who treats you so appallingly is not a 'best friend'. Try to turn these thoughts around as they are not going to help you. You have made a really positive decision to break contact with him, so focus on the reasons why you did that, otherwise you will find yourself contacting him and this all starting up again. It is good that he has said 'sorry', but that doesn't change anything.
You deserve better than this.
I believe that D has a right to know that you are keeping the baby. I understand that you want him out of your life. But he should be providing for the baby and they have the right to know his/her father.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have a friend who was falling in love with this guy years ago and it turned out he was her half brother and caused so much upset all round.
I agree - I know you are upset but he could not have been a best friend to treat you so badly - there is no way you would let another woman treat you this way - you deserve much better friends than that. sending you a hug
hi hun aw must be so hard for u, hope ur ok, ive ad an abortion, not nice,u do what u feel is best for u,ok,my ex let me down agin last night, he twist it round as usual ,all my fault, never his fault,cant take let downs all time,but he dont understand how im feeling at all, and he never will ,x
Everything seems to be falling apart lately. I have no idea what to do. I just found out today that i have to get rid of my two pets as well. I know this sounds stupid but, loosing him, my home and now even pets haha. I have a pet rat but he is setting off pherimones that can attract other rats into the house (dangerious for unborn fetuses) and my pet pig has to go too. Pigs carry the hepititus e virus and have also been inked to anencephaly in unborn fetuses. Which im at risk of anyway since i had a brother born with this condition, who sadly died 4 hours later. So i will get rid of them but its just making me feel down. Everything i love is gone.
aw hun im ere for u, im from nr manchester, u from nr liverpool, im sameas u, ad 3 bad relationships,seem meet dickheads al tym,i av a staff bitch and got bearded dragon,lol, when are u moveing hun, how many weeks are ux
Hello LolaAnnMitzy
I do understand that there is an awful lot of loss around at the moment, with moving home and your beloved animals. Although I totally agree with the others that losing "D" from your life (as he is now) can only be a positive thing, NEVERTHELESS for you, I know this means the loss of someone you thought was going to be there for you and all the hopes and expectations that went with that. You must just feel like curling up and crying!
However, what you have decided about the baby will give you your focus, that is why you have made all these plans and taken all these steps. It's time to lift up your head and keep your eyes on the horizon. How is your other little one?
'D' IS F***ING USELESS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (pardon the language)
He seems ok with me when i saw him down town today, speaking to me like he did years ago when we were close friends, playing with my daughter, saying happy birthday to her and everything. We left him and literally seconds after, i turned around to tell him i had a midwife appointment at 4pm. I couldnt see him so i text him off my friends phone. I said.......
''Forgot to tell you i have an apponitment with the midwife at 4pm. Do you want me to record the heartbeat if she listens to it ? Tb 'S' ''
Its been three hours and no reply, i know he has texts because he is on contract and gets unlimited texts a month. So he cant even use that excuse. He couldnt act more uninterested if he tried, even though he was the one who wanted me to have the baby and was really excited about it. He did say downtown though....
''Im still a bit angry. Because you told 'J' you were pregnant before me''
I said
''He knew i might be, he didnt know i was. And he only knew i might be because me and you had an argument and it slipped out''
'D' said
''You should have told me. I knew you were anyway but thats not the point, i should have been the first person you told''
So i said
''Well we had JUST had an argument, even if i meant to tell him, i wouldnt have told you because you would have thought i made it up to get you back. And how could you have known ?''
'D' said
''Its not the point. I just knew. Dont know how, i just did. Then you got them pains and i knew for definate''
It wasnt an argument, or angry raised voices, i didnt feel threatened or anything. It was just as though it was a normal convorsation. Do you think its because of that, that he didnt text back ?
hi hun r uok, well rang refuge today,ad talk with woman there,she really nice and understanda,been so down and crying bout ex,him txting he is coming dow, or do u want anythin from shop even tho told him its over again,he did turn up he ad parked up down road,cos i said im ringing police,woman said he very controlling she said there is place forme if i want it,i av to av think bout it,mean dont want to take my boys out of school, dont no what do plus av 19 month old daughter its hard
Hello Lola
I thought that you had given him the impression that you were going to terminate the pregnancy?That may well be the reason.
How did you get on with the midwlfe?
and dont want part with family dog,kids love erx
Ask the refuge lady about that, too, there may be a way for your dog to have a temporary home somewhere just while you get sorted
hi thanks for replying,ex txting nasty now, gon from nice to nasty, saying his daughter go and live with er daddy,abd he drag my sorry ass thru court and i will be sorry,tomorrow he will txt nice pattern
Kiera, changing your sim card would stop the offensive texts.
Hopefully the refuge lady can help with a foster home for the dog?
Lola, when are you moving back to your family? I too thought you weren't contacting him again.
hi just my 14 year old boy as exams soon,dont want take him out school and my 10 year old boy,i do want to move refuge woman said if i wanted move miles away i could, tempting,scared idont want leave my home,could my furniture go down in a van if i move ,
hi as any1 been in a refuge would like sum information
@LolaAneeMitzy
I am someone who went through a termination ( a twin termination that nearly detroyed me). To tell your 'ex' you will be having a termination and then telling him you are seeing the Midwife and would he like to listen to the heart beat if you record it....How would you expect him to react?????
I am absolutle;y gobsmacked! Yes he's a loser in life in every respect but you are playing mind games! Do you actually have any idea what you are doing????
I really do think you thrive on the drama.
hi iagree totally ,i went thru a termination,dont no why lola wud say that to ex,ino hes a scumbag but to say ur avin a termination then say do uwant listen to heartbeat isnt good,
He was under the impression but he spoke to my mum and she told him i wasnt doing it. He was ok about it and just asker her to pass on the message that he didnt want me to change my mind (as in having a termination). He didnt mention it down town today but did ask how i was feeling. I said im fine and he asked if all is well with the baby.
There was no point in carrying on a lie about terminating it if my mum had already told him i wasnt doing it. Really i should have told her what i had told him, but i didnt think he was going to ask her about it if he saw her. I didnt even think she would talk to him. In a town this small though, everyone knows everyone and when his mum lives two streets away from my mum, they are going to bump into eachother.
I have had a termination in the past, that too a twin. I know how hard it is and the termoil, the guilt (im still suffering with it three years later) it was also a major contributer to my depression. It was already bad, but that just broke me. As for drama, if i liked it, i wouldnt be writing on a website where i know the people around me (where i live) can know whats going on. I am embaressed, disgusted, guilty and struggling to understand whats going on. I write it here so that people dont know whats wrong in my life. If i spoke about it to people here, everyone would know what is going on and when its a town like it is, almost guarenteed it would be twisted and what was said, would turn out 100 times worse than what it was. Like when my sister was beaten up by two girls, she told her friend annd it got back to the girls that there was a group of 10, beating her up, names and everything. She then DID get beaten up by them girls for bringing their names up, when their names werent mentioned. I havent rung womens aid, domestic violence helpline, i havent told my mum (not all of it anyway), i told the police after his probation officer got in touch with them and i have had everything dropped and i havent told my midwife. All because i dont want the drama that would come with telling people what has happenedl. No thanks. My mum would go mental if she even thought i was bringing outside people into my daughters life.
We want to be gone by June/July but the way housing looks we might have to wait till October :\ We dont want to be in council property, as we have had bad experiences in the past with the council, housing associations have a waiting list (but my frameworker is working on it) and private housing with either no deposit or a deposit i could afford isnt great. We do really want to be there by July at the latest though so that my little sister can go to secondary school without being the new girl and my daughter can go to primary school Y1 without being the new girl. Hoping my frameworker can hurry things up. Hopefully he can as they only got involved after something happened to my daughter and we needed to be out of the area.
Oh yeah and as for contacting him, he doesnt have my new number. My friend has his number, as does nearly everyone else i know. He text back my firnd by the way, at 5.30ish my friend forwarded the text to my phone and it said..
''Oh yeah defo. When ur scan cant wait''
Friend didnt text back obviously and i dont know his number so i didnt text him. Cant help seeing him though, he lives in a town a little smaller than this 5 miles away. They dont have a market or clothes shops, job centre ect so he is here nearly everyday. To get from his mums house to down town, the only way possible is to walk past my house unless he wants to go over fields. (i live in the first house, on a street just off the main street. Old mining town so you can imagine the terraces),. I can be sat in my livingroom and i see him coming up the street.
Oh yeah and just one more thing, apart from official people, my mum, 'D', his mum and brother my best friend and my daughter, no one else knows im pregnant. I was asked if i was by his friend and i denied it and i have asked him and our families not to tell anyone im pregnant. So no, no drama here. You dont tell a soul anything about your life where i live. Peope didnt even know i was pregnant with my daughter till i was about 8 months gone, you keep EVERYTHING quiet. And thats not me looking for drama again. Lots of people here keep it quiet that they are pregnant, have a new partner ect. And the amount of people that are in violent relationships here is unbelieveable, yet none of them speak about it and if the police are seen at your house, gossiping starts. So like i said, you keep everything quiet unless you want drama at your door.
hi hun understand what ur saying,ive been offered a place in a refuge,dont no what to do,dont want my boys change schools,my 14 year old as exams soon,and my 10 year old loves his school,woman at refuge very nice,she said ex very controlling,and i hate police at my door,all curtains twitching,hate it,hate a scene,my ex gon from nice to nasty, saying i cant cope with his daughter and he drag my sorry ass thru court and his daughter live with er daddy,yeah rite, a violent thug,dont think so, woman at refuge said she could get me somewhere miles away, im very tempted,really am, near the sea,just i av family dog,a staff bitch, part of family she would have to go in temporary foster, i just dont no what to do,hope ur okxx
There seems to be lots of different things going on through this thread with no-one really talking to each other.
Kiera I will chat with you on your own thread. Lola you are clearly unhappy where you live and a housing move sounds the best solution all round. It also seems best that you keep the contact with D to the minimum as it is so upsetting, I know you cannot help bumping into him but he does not have your number although of course has your friend's and might even think it is your new one as you texted him from there.
I am sorry to hear of the trauma that many of you have experienced, having terminations, it is never an easy situation and anyone still left with emotional struggles could consider having a few sessions of counselling.
ok thanks
Kiera, remember when i told you about my sister going to her local womens refuge, well at the time she has two pet cats, they did accomodate them, the first week they were in a cat sanctuary (paid for by the refuge i think, she never mentioned having to pay) then they relocated her and she was back with her pets. They understand that pets are part of a family as well and its hard enought to be taken from you home and friends, so they do try everything they can to keep you happy, even if that means taking in you animals. I assume there are limits on the amount of pets though haha. There is a woman a few doors away from me who has 4 dogs, about 5 cats, loads of budges and some hamesters haha. They wouldnt take her in lol. But you have just the one dog, so they should be able to help. As for schools, i know your kids enjoy where they are. My little one has has the same friends since i sent her to full time pre-school at 2 years old. It will be hard for her to be taken away from them all, but a move really is in her best interests. She is a happy, confident, considerate and intelligent little girl and i have no fears of her fitting in again. Its actually her she doesnt really fir in. She is the only mixed race child in her school. There are some other mixed race children but they are all my little brothers age (17) + and they arent any families here that are of different ethnic background. My little one has never really been an outcast though so dont get me wrong, but she has had racial abuse from a number of children. They call her a dirty black. She didnt understand what they were saying to her, but she was hurt for a while. Now she just ignores them if they say it. She doesnt let it bother her because i told her its because they are jealous she has curly hair and they dont haha. Anyway, dont worry about schools, it is sad having to take them away, but im sure your children are happy, confident and intelligent and will have no problem fitting in with other people. You never know, it might be the making of them. It could be the best thing you ever did. And as for him getting custody, if he is a violent, thug, there is no way any court in the land would allow him to have her. You have brought up three children before and by the sounds of it they are happy and well cared for, you have an older daughter in college, so you have everything going for you. Allow him to say it, because you know it wll never happen x x
hi lola aw thanks for ur reply,yes i av 1 staffy bitch, she is 5,and i av bearded dragon,lol, i no what u are saying,i just dont no what to do,yeah im taking no notice of ex,he as been saying he dragging me thru court for last 12 months,still waiting,all empty threats,my 18 year old is at university,doing law,she dong well she hates my ex,dont blame er,ex jealous of our relationship,u no he as accused me of going with my own daughter, vile,and accused me going with my own mate, ino its cos he jealous,just seems shame take my 2 boys out of schools,good schools u c,my 14 year old got exams coming up, aw shame bout ur little girl bout being mixed race,kids can be cruel,xx
how long was ur sister in refuge 4,could u tell me bit bout refuge and er desicion to go in refugex
She was only in for 2 and a half weeks. She was just lucky she lives in a city as big as Birmingham, so houses pop up all the time. They did offer to completly relocate her, but she decided Birmingham was where she wanted to be, but obviously a different area. Cities are big places so it wasnt hard for her to start a new life in a different area. In fact it was a better area than the first place. She decided to go into refuge after her then partner put her in hospital after hitting her over the head with the iron (bit eastenders) the hospital suggested she contacted them, so she did. They picked her up from hospital the next day, took her to get he son from her friend and took her straight to the refuge. She decided to go because she didnt want her son living in the enviroment he was in anymore, she just wanted what was best for them both. So anyway she went there, they put her cats into a cat sanctuary then she was put into like a supported accomodation type flat. Not a dormatory type thing haha. They imediatly began looking for a home for her and her little boy, forund one after a week and she was in within a few days. They helped her with furniture, clothing, things for the baby and even fitted a direct line to the police station. They supported her after the move for quite some time until she felt happy and safe, then they left her to her new life. The option to go back to them is open and they will be there to do what ever they can for her now and in the future. I know that she rang them just before christmas because she saw her ex partner in her local cinema. He didnt do anything, but it scared her so she rang and they supported her again. They did wonders for her. She is now married with 2 step sons, a little girl and an 8 month old son. Sadly she made the decition to have her first born adopted, for personal reasons. But her life is lovely. Its well worth the thought, even if it just to go to them for a few days, to get away. x
I dont think it was one of their homes, but apparently land lords and even the council can be very good in situations such as what my sister was in. Also i know she went back to her home to get the cats and to pick up some bits of clothing and toys for the little one, the refuge lady went with her and had police there as well so he couldnt do anything to her.
hi aw u av helped me hun, myt just go for few days,my ex myt go to my parents home when he cant find me tho,tht worries me,dad really not well they dont need worryxthey dont no half what goes on u cx
LolaAnnMitzy, thank you for sharing your sisters experiences at the refuge, it sounds as though she got all the practical support she needed.
kiera, its not about just popping in for a few days, this is about turning your life around and getting the support to do it. Refuge places can be scarce so if you feel you are ready to accept help, then you need to ring them and ask for it.
How are you LolaAnn?
hi how are u, hope ur ok,avnt heard offux
hi lola hope ur ok, havnt heard off u, pl;ease replyx
Hi LolaAnnMitzy, how are things going with you?
Have you heard from your ex?
hi hope everything goes ok, i av ad police out few times.ad 2 harasment orders on my ex,i con
tacted him 1st then we fell out and got anova harassment order out on him,hard u no,