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I mentioned a while ago that things had not been going well with my ex, now they have got worse and I need to let all of this out of my system. I feel I should warn that it will probably be nasty and hate filled, but if I don't let it out I am going to pop.
Since starting a new relationship, ex has not spent as much time as he used to with J. I expected this to happen at first while they were in the first flush, but expected it to settle down. Its been six months now and still shows no sign of abating. J has had issues about daddys girlfriend being there all the time, to the point where he has refused to go on a weekend. He has had to be bribed to get him to go. Ex basically told him while he was there that S lives with him now and he will have to get used to it. For the past couple of weeks, J has said that he doesn't want a 'daddy day' and wants to stay with me. I know it is important that he has a relationship with his dad, but it is hard to send him away when he is screaming that he wants to stay with me. He only went last week because we told him if he didn't want to sleepover he could come home. But when he came home the next day he was upset because he had asked to come home and daddy had told him no, he was staying and shouted at him. He tells me every week he wants to stay with me. Last week ex said that he had plenty of things him and girlfriend could be doing if J didn't want to go and it wasn't fair of me to force him to go.
Ex texted me a few weeks ago to say that he wouldn't be able to have J that last weekend in September. Fair enough, we do sometimes need to change things, but I had plans to work that weekend as we are having major restructuring within the company at work and as I am payroll I needed to be there. I asked ex who he had arranged to look after J and he said no one, he had told me he couldn't do it so I would have to and he had given me plenty of notice! I told him that he couldn't just assume because it was a few weeks away that I wouldn't have any plans and that he should check with me in future before he booked anything. J started school recently and goes to an after school club during the week. A week on Monday school has an inset day. We were both given a school calendar detailing inset days back in May. I have used a lot of holidays with J only doing half days so I told ex he would have to cover inset days and days off that they have later in the year, as i am out of holidays and am not allowed to take them after the end of September. He agreed to this. Bear in mind, I have not used a holiday for anything other than Jack the whole year. I get 18 days, ex gets 27, so a whole week and a bit more than me. When he dropped J off today, i checked that he had booked next Monday off work for the inset day. He looked at me gone out and asked why I was being ridiculous and asking him. I knew he wasn't there the following weekend and surely I must realise that meant that him and girlfriend were going on holiday again. Fraid my crystal ball has stopped working where he is concerned. He then claimed that he knew nothing about the inset day. I pointed out he has exactly the same calendar that I have. I said that as I am not working on the Saturday, I really can't have the Monday off as well. He then said he would ask his parent to have J. These are the same parents who have told me they are too ill to have J for an hour after school, but suddenly he thinks they can cope with him for a full day. I could feel myself getting cross so I asked him to leave. 3 times he ignored me. I finally said to him, I have asked you to leave so will you please leave my house. He then stormed out. J got upset and asked why I wanted daddy to go. Ex said that mummy was being stupid and was jealous of the fact that he was going abroad again. Er no. Lounging around in the sun holds no appeal for me I'm afraid. It never used to for him. I pointed out that in the past 18 months he had had J to stay for 1 week only, but has managed to go abroad himself twice, despite telling me he couldn't afford the £25 for half of J's swimming lessons. His reply was that as J had been in full time nursery there was no need for him to have him to stay. I said what about him spending time with you and his reply was that he spends plenty of time with him on a Saturday! Might have believed that if J wasn't so reluctant to go to his dads and when he gets there he is made to have a 2 hour nap because he is grumpy. He's just started school, you should see him on a Friday night! I told him that he needs to get his priorities straight and he told me that he has. I said to him that work and the girlfriend come first, then if he's got any time its his son. I was again told I was being ridiculous, am just jealous of his new relationship, and am a very twisted and vindictive person and have no idea what damage he could do to me if he wasn't being so nice. This is a common pattern, he gets verbally agressive if I challenge him and point out his flaws. All I want is for him to maintain a relationship with his son, that doesn't involve having to bribe J to go with him. I don't care about his new relationship anymore. Good luck to her, she is more than welcome to him. I know that he is entitled to holidays, I hope he has a good time. I cannot understand that he chooses not to spend time with J. He also agreed that he would help out with school inset days and the first one we have come to he has let me down. I am absolutely furious with him. My boss is already fed up with me having so much time off with J and now I have to tell him that I need next Monday off. It will also be unpaid as I have used up all of my holidays. But I can afford this of course. J has asked me if I still love his daddy and why did I make him go home. I have explained that daddy upset me and I was cross with him so I asked him to go before we weren't friends. What I really wanted to say was that your stupid @!"*% of a dad doesn't realise that he is coming close to losing the relationship with you that I have maintained and that he would sooner spend time with his teenage girlfriend than with you. I am so cross and so sad. He promised me that nothing would come before his relationship with his son and in his twisted world nothing has.
Hi Looby. I don't have any advice, sorry. Not ever had to deal with C's father and access visits etc. I was wondering though, if you had a friend, or someone besides J's Grandparents, who could have him on the Monday.
You didn't waffle by the way, it's great to get things off our chest isn't it?
Looby. I completely understand.
Loads of hugs.
Thanks ladies. I've managed not to shed a tear over him all day, but your understanding has made me cry. Silly woman!
I have been stomping around much less since getting it all off my chest. I learnt from counselling when he first left to write it all down and be as bitter and as nasty as I wanted and then to throw it all away. It saves me phoning or emailing him to tell him what I think.
Unfortunately there is no one else to look after J that day. Most of my friends work like me. Of the couple that don't, one is on holiday and the other has got a daughter who has just had a major operation. My sister would help, but she is 32 weeks pregnant and it is her consultant appointment on that day. I know work will probably tell me its ok, but I hate having to do it. You know that everyone else is muttering about the amount of time off you've had, because you feel bad about it too.
J has been upset that I asked his dad to leave and has been asking if I don't love daddy any more. We have always told him that even though we are not together, we both still love each other. It has been a real struggle to reinforce that to him today. I have apologised for making him sad by asking his daddy to leave and told him that it is ok if he is cross with me. I explained that I was cross with daddy and that I asked him to leave before we weren't friends any more.
Somebody tell me this whole thing gets a lot easier and that there will be a time when it doesn't wind me up when he puts his partner first. I thought 18 months down the line I would be nearly there. What is so hard for me to understand is that ex is like a completely different person. I never would have said he would have behaved like this. He has always absolutely doted on J, tried to spend as much time with him as his job allowed. It has all changed since his partner came along. Even his sister has noticed a change in him. She said that he just seems very lost. I hope he manages to find himself.
Hello Looby
I think you have handled this whole situation brilliantly! How infuriating and hurtful that he is not taking every opportunity to have J and putting him at the top of his list. So many of us understand that feeling completely and I agree it is the change of personality which is so puzzling, you will see that a few people on the boards have experienced this.
Now for J. First of all I want to say high five for explaining things to him so well. But isn't it strange...he screams because he does not want to go to his dad's and yet if YOU appear to be less than 100% pro-daddy then that really upsets him! This to me says that you have been doing the right thing by staying calm (ish!) and encouraging his relationship with his dad. If you were suddenly to be less pro-daddy then that would be worse for him, HOWEVER that does not mean you have just be a pushover, you were right to ask him to leave.
Have a look at this book.
I'm glad you think I handled it well Louise, I was pretty pleased with myself. Before when we have had a confrontation I have got so upset that I have lost control of what I was saying. But not this time. He looked so shocked when I asked him to leave, does make me smile when I think about it. Thank you for the book recommendation, I shall certainly be ordering that. I never say anything negative about his dad in front of J and he talks about things he has done with daddy and S quite happily with me, but I will admit it has become a struggle the past couple of days!
The good news is one of my friends has re arranged her day on Monday so that I can go to work in the morning and she will have J. She is even taking him to a hospital appointment with her. Amazes me that she is prepared to do this and his dad can't be bothered....
I also had ex's dad on the phone last night as he knew we had had words. For the first time I told him straight. Before I have always been conscious of the fact that he is their son and have not put him in a bad light, so have not really said anything. I wasn't nasty but explained that he had made me very angry by letting me down and for booking his holiday without any thought of J. I also explained I was angry that he had complained to me the week before about having to give me £25 for J's swimminh lessons, but couldn't manage to do another week abroad! Father in law bless him offered to give me the money I would lose from having a day off work on Monday and has said that in future he will pay for J's swimming lessons. Told him that it is not the money that is the issue, its the fact that ex seems to forget he is a parent these days. He just asked me to give him time and he would sort himself out, said he is too caught up in his new relationship at the minute. Tell me something I didn't know!
Feel much better about things today. Don't let him get to me anymore which is a huge leap forward for me....
That is lovely of your friend Looby, and your ex FIL for offering the money, even though, like you say, it isn't about the money. Glad you're feeling better about everything today.
I hate letting work down too, and I work in the school, so you'd hope they'd understand wouldn't you, but I'm sure they'll all be putting me down tomorrow, as C won't be there, and of course neither will I!!
Hi looby, I am so pleased that you had the conversation with your ex FIL, that will be really good for building your relationship with him, obviously they are a bit dissapointed with their sons behaviour.
One thing that I am wondering, do you think that J believes that you love his dad? If he doesn't it could be a bit confusing him seeing you be cross with him, his dad saying stuff when you are not around, but then telling him otherwise. I think we need to be honest (in an age appropriate way) with our children, so that they dont get confused. Maybe I should rephrase the question - Do you love J's dad?
My late FiL was brilliant with my lot - and with me.
I'm glad things are getting sorted...
I have to say that when my lot asked if I loved Dad, I said no I didn't, but that we both loved them very much.
Just when you think things are going well.......
I have just managed to settle J from a 7.30pm bedtime. He has been absolutely distraught. It started off this morning. Ex didn't bring him home, he got his sister to do it. Annoyed me, but apparently J asked to come back with his Auntie. J also turned up with my birthday present, which ex had told him to hide until its my birthday (two weeks). J is 4 for crying out loud. Many tears when I refused to open my present. Sister in law then got a taste of J's behaviour of late and was understandably shocked. At this point I broke down because its all been a bit much of late, plus the fact I'm not well (got to go for chest x ray and blood tests tomorrow). She also asked if I knew where ex had gone. I said I had no idea and no idea how long he has gone for. She said she'd been told not to tell me as they didn't want me keeping tabs on them!! I don't want to know exactly where they have gone, but have asked ex before for a timescale on how long it would take him to get back in an emergency. Wouldn't even tell me this this time. She then said that his new girlfriend had called me a vindictive b'*@h because I didn't want them going out and enjoying themselves. They work full time and are entitled to a holiday according to gf. SIL says she left then after pointing out to ex that I also work full time, after getting his son to school and then come home after a long day and take care of him, something he can't be bothered to do at the minute. I told her I was capable of fighting my own battles and didn't want to cause trouble between them, but she was fuming. Said she doesn't know who he thinks he is at the minute but that he needs to do more as a parent.
I took J swimming which he really wasn't interested in, then we went to see friend who has just had a baby. J enjoyed playing with her son, but kept coming in to tell me he loved me and make sure that I was still there. We came home and had dinner, which he insisted on sitting on my knee to eat. Then came bedtime and it all went very wrong. J phones his dad every night at bedtime, except Tuesday and Thursday when ex phones him. Sometimes they chat, sometimes J just wants to say love you and night night. I picked up the phone to ring tonight (with gritted teeth I might add) and J started sobbing. I am actually crying as I type this, he was so upset. He told me daddy had said that he wasn't allowed to ring him, because he was on holiday and that they needed a break and if he wanted to say night night he could send a text message. J may be adept at using my phone but texts are a bit beyond him. I said it didn't matter and that if he really wanted to talk to daddy I would ring anyway and daddy could tell me off. He got really upset, saying that if he phoned daddy, daddy would be really cross and wouldn't come home! I said that ok I wouldn't phone and that he could talk to daddy in a couple of days when daddy phoned him. Next bombshell, daddy wouldn't be phoning him because it would be too expensive, he would see him in two weeks. What kind of idiot tells a four year old that they can't phone?! J then totally lost it. He was clinging to me asking why daddy loves gf more than him. When I asked what made him think that, he said 'daddy lives with S and he takes her on holiday, but he doesn't want to do that with me.' He asked if daddy didn't want to take him because he'd been so naughty. I said that daddy couldn't take him because he had only just started at school and that him being naughty had nothing to do with it. I told him that daddy loved him lots and lots. He kept asking if I would never leave him and that I will always take him on holiday with me and that he will always live with me and he won't have to live with daddy. I asked why he didn't want to live with daddy and he said that daddy always tells him off (had to smile at this one, its all I've done for a week and a half!!), that daddy won't let him get up in a morning if the clock doesn't say 7 at the front (J is always up by half six), that he has to sit in the chair while gf sits with daddy on the sofa, gets told off if he gets wee on the floor and that if he says he misses me, daddy gets really cross with him and tells him not to be stupid. There were various other things, but it was like months worth of stuff came pouring out of my poor little man. I know some of it could be how a 4 year old interprets things, but it seems like there are a lot problems and probably explains why I have had him not wanting to go. He then told me he was just so sad. I asked him why and he said because he wanted daddy to be back at home like all his friends daddy's were and he wanted to see daddy everyday. I said we couldn't do that because it would make mummy and daddy unhappy and what about daddys girlfriend? She can go back to her mummys apparently!
I have no idea what ex has been saying to him, but I can't have J upset like this. This is how he was when ex first moved out, constantly having to know where I was to make sure that I didn't leave him. It is probably all part of the starting school problem, but there is obviously something happening at ex's too. I have had to write all this down so I don't pick the phone up to ex and tell him what a self centered 'person' he is. J has ended up in my bed, so that means another night of broken sleep, although I am way too angry to sleep at the minute.
Sorry for ranting again
Dear Looby, what an emotional evening. I am glad you wrote it all down and didn't ring ex, unfortunately he won't see it the same way as you do (his priorities are different right now).
You are J's main caregiver and you are his the security lies. So remembering that you can't change other people and get them to do what you know is best for your son, I am wondering what you think will be your next step here?
J needs to know that you are there unconditionally, he needs to know that his behaviour was unacceptable, not him, he is a wonderful human being. He needs to know that daddy can't always be there on the end of the phone every night, but you always will be.
It is so heartbeaking seeing our little ones so distraught isn't it, but he needs you to be strong to show him that this is the way it is and it is OK. (Even though you may not feel it at the mo)
I wonder how he was this morning when he went to school?
I hope J was ok this morning. and that you managed to have some sleep.
Hi Looby. Hope J was okay this morning, and this afternoon after school. How are you doing today? I think you're doing fantastically well, and explaining things to J in a way that he can understand. It's tough for you, because you're the one that is seeing it and dealing with it. J has a great mummy, and as long as you keep reassuring him the way you are/have been, then he'll be absolutely fine. His Dad is causing most of this misery for the little lad, and I'm delighted that your SIL is totally on your side. J is also out of sorts with starting school too, it's a huge thing for him.
Keep smiling, you're doing a fab job 
Anna, I know what you mean but it seems a tad unfair doesn't it? Dad can't always be at the end of a phone but I am always expected to be here. Last time ex went away we agreed that a nightly phone call was out of the question, but we agreed certain nights that J would speak to his dad and I marked these on the calendar for J. It worked. It would have been so much better if he had done that this time, rather than tell J he wouldn't phone as it was too expensive. So after everything I explained to J last night it all went out the window as ex text tonight asking if he could phone him using a free calls app on his phone and would I mind downloading it. I told him he could speak to J if J wanted to speak to him as he had been really upset last night that he couldn't. J was excited to speak to his dad but it was the most disastrous phone call ever. Ex sounded like he was phoning from a bar, the signal dropped 3 times and J was just getting upset. I finally said to him to just say night night, which J did then started crying. I gave him loads of cuddles and made up a silly story about how far daddys words had to fly over the sea, which made him laugh. I managed to get him asleep by ten past seven, in his own bed!!!! I then had a phone call from ex, who had obviously been drinking. He can't handle alcohol well, which is why he very rarely drank. He's not nasty when he's had a drink, he's stupid and very affectionate. I got it all tonight! Why don't I want J to speak to him, I know he loves him more than anything in the world and hates being away from him. I explained that the bad connection and noise was making J upset and that I didn't want to have to spend hours calming him down again. I told him he can speak to him whenever, provided he makes the effort to go somewhere quiet to ring. He then apologised for having forgotten the inset day and making me have the day off, told me he hates being away from him and that he misses him more than I will ever know and that sometimes he thinks he has made the biggest mistake of his life. Heaven only knows where gf was. I told him he needed to stop drinking and to enjoy his holiday. She is in for a fun night if she hasn't seen him drink before. He's gone through silly and affectionate and is now on maudlin. He'll then throw up and pass out if his past form is anything to go by!
I have spent the day reassuring J that I am going nowhere and it seems to have helped. We have had loads of cuddles and he has been glued to my side since I finished work. We went out for lunch and had a lovely time. I always try to explain that it is his behaviour which is naughty, not him. Something I have always done since he was a baby. He was absolutely shattered tonight, hence the early bedtime. I was hoping he would have a nap this afternoon but no chance! He said tonight that me and him make the best team ever and I have to agree!
Thanks Hazeleyes, I am certainly trying my very bestest! Sometimes I even think I am succeeding lol.
Sparkling, sleep was very elusive last night.Have you ever slept with a four year old? I ended up sleeping on the tiniest bit of bed imaginable. Plus J refuses to sleep with the covers on. I still have to put him in a sleepsuit with feet in to make sure he stays covered. When I wasn't fighting for bed space I was fighting for cover!
Hello Looby I continue to be amazed at how well you are handling this....when all those emotions are churning round in YOUR head.
You are absolutely right, it IS unfair that he swans off for a break and YOU always have to be there. But, being a parent is 24/7/365 and that's what we signed up for, whether the other parent keeps their side of the bargain is out of your control; as Anna says, you can't make other people change.
J's dad is obviously quite uncertain about the path that he has taken but that is not your problem, just stay calm and stick to your guns. Had to snigger about the "quality" (or lack of) the night ahead for him and gf 
One thing... and I think you are already aware of this...whilst it is great that your SiL is onside, just be careful about involving other people in this situation. Chinese whispers and he said, she said, are never helpful.
And yes I have slept with a four year old, him in starfish position, me clinging to the piping on the edge of the mattress 
Hope you have a better day today.
Ok not handled it well tonight. He phoned to talk to J and J kept asking where he was on holiday. Ex finally admitted he's in Egypt and I lost it. Said its nice that 25 for swimming lessons is the end of the world, but holidays in Egypt are totally acceptable. I shouldn't have done it I know, but I am at the end of my tether. He then yelled at me that it all comes down to money with me and I had better watch my attitude. I replied that he ought to think about his attitude to his son. Then I hung up and burst into tears, so I've succeeded in losing it with him and upsetting j. I am a total failure
Oh I don't blame you for being angry, I would have been furious!! 
You're right though, best not done in front of J. Maybe you could say something to J like "I am sorry that Mummy got so cross, I was upset because daddy has gone on a big holiday and we haven't had a holiday but I realise now that the most important thing is you and me and we always have each other" (of course J will not understand the thing about swimming lesson money)
I did not like the sound of what he said to you though, Looby. What diod he mean, "you had better watch your attitude" ? Or what?
It's the same old threat Louise. If I dare to question his less than admirable parenting, or to point out that he is failing to keep the promises he made when he left and started his new relationship he gets aggressive and threatens me. It usually involves taking the house and taking J away. We agreed that I would remain in the house until J leaves home, but with how much he has changed he knows I worry about having to sell and find somewhere else. I think he thinks it will make me tow the line and behave. Usually a couple of days later when he knows that I am not upset, he will deny ever having said anything. I will have 'heard him wrong' which is how he usually tries to wriggle out of it. It only ever happens when he has done something with no thought of J and been called on it.
That is really bullying behaviour, Looby. I hate the thought he thinks he can make you "toe the line" Does he have a financial hold over you in terms of the house? Would you find it hard to pay the mortgage on your own?
How do you usually handle these outbursts? Sounds as if HE wants to pretend they never happened...is that what you then tend to do?
Yes I tend to pretend it never happened. We never used to fall out when we were together, it is only now if I disagree with him that I see this behaviour. Came as quite a shock at first, but as I said earlier it is now the norm. I hate arguing with him, with anyone really. I always doubt myself and think that my opinion doesn't count. I also worry what people will think of me if we fall out. Self esteem issues I know.
I pay the mortgage on my own through my wages and tax credits etc. The money he sends each week goes into a separate account which I use for day to day expenses. The mortgage company wanted him to remain on the mortgage and he wanted to do that so he still had a say in the house. As we bought the house years ago the mortgage is quite low. He threatens that he will force me to sell the house as he knows I would not be able to afford a house like we have now and would struggle to get a mortgage on my own. He also threatens to take j to live with him. I have pointed out that there is not a court in this land that would hand j over to him!
Yes!
It is worth thinking about appraoching the mortgage company or indeed another lender, with your income details and asking exactly what they would lend you. You might be surprised! You can "reserve" a portion of the equity for him for when J is 17 or when you sell the house or if you get married,in effect J's dad would have a second mortgage on the house but not be the owner or force you to sell (he could not force you to sell now anyway, without a court order!) have a think about the financial side the get some advice from our Legal Expert? It just seems that there are another 14 years to go before J is grownup and it would be better to separate things out more!
I do hope you're able to follow up with Louise's advice. You can then do the proverbial tongue pulling thing as you know you're secure.
You cannot put a value on security...
My lot were old enough to be quite disgusted when their father refused to take them somewhere and then went to New England to get married... J's too young to appreciate that yet.
Hi, glad that days over with! Payroll day is always a nightmare!
I have contacted the mortgage company but they were unwilling to lend me the money or my own, or change the mortgage over to just me. I did look into it the first time he pulled this stunt. At that time I contacted the legal expert about the likelihood of him being able to force me to sell the house. She explained that because I am resident in the family home with an under 16, he would have a very very difficult time making me homeless. So I can sort of stick my tongue out and do the ner ner ner dance! You see the thing is, he knows I can't afford legal advice but he doesn't know about this wonderful site! It is my secret weapon! So now when he gets aggressive and threatens I know he can't back his words up. My counsellor explained that his behaviour is a reaction to me not agreeing with him and pointing out his flaws. That it is easier for him to get angry and blame me rather than admit that he is wroNg.
Ah yes I definitely agree with that! I still think it is worth asking another company about a mortgage. I had to do this when I split with the boys' dad, they only transferred it ot me because my dad agreed to guarantee it. A couple of years down the line he became ill so I asked another lender ( as I did not want my mum having the worry of the guarantee) and got a mortgage all on my ownio!
Have just realised how long and waffly this is. If you manage to read it and get some idea of what I'm getting at, well done!