I've just started on the Freedom Programme and must admit feeling scared and nervous! Not sure what to expect but know I have to get things straight in my life. Left my husband 2 years ago - walked out with nothing but my handbag   after 29 years of  emotional abuse including 6 years of physical abuse. Still trying to get divorced but he is controlling every aspect of this - delaying everything - not helping to resolve financial agreements etc he is still in family home and not paying correct amount of maintanence  for our daughter - I am  spiraling in to debt like theres no tomorrow! 

Now trying to re-build but finding it difficult - having to stay strong for my daughter - her relationship with her father has broken down as he hasnt made any attempt to be with her  - and he is now seing someone else which she is finding difficult to cope with as he is priortising her over my daughter.

Feel less able to cope with everything now than when I first left or when I was still in the relationship - at least then I know what to expect - now I have no idea what each day will throw at me and if honest it is just getting worst.

sorry but helps to write things down and get it out of head!


Posted on: July 10, 2014 - 7:53pm

Hi Jo1866 you have been so very brave, how old is your daughter ? It might become worst before it gets better but it will get better once you are no longer under his control.  

I understand what you are saying about uncertainty being worst, but the trouble is that with abuse it always gets worst, you have seen already that it changed from emotional to emotional and fysical and it might seem you have some control when you do as he says he hurts you less but there comes a time that that is not happening anymore, you did do the right thing, to fight for happiness and it will get better in time . Have you seen the Freedom Programme on here ? It might be very helpful for you 

Posted on: July 10, 2014 - 10:50pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi jo, please do keep writing things down, it always helps and there are lot of us reading your story on this forum!

You are in a very difficult place, but reminds yourself that you have already taken the most important step and you did walk away from the abuse, that was your choice and you have been dealing with that for the last two years. Hard as this time might seem, it can't be as bad as it was then, and you have survived so far, as has your daughter. 

What support do you have locally? Have you got friends and family who can help you, even if that is just listening to you? There is always somebody here for you, so just let us know what you are going through. With maintenance issues and money there is also some help to be had from our child support adviser here on the site. and some legal advice also here form our legal adviser or the local network at

Posted on: July 11, 2014 - 8:26am


Thank you both for your support and understanding. Unfortunately I have little support as all of our joint friends- who knew nothing about what has happening between us- have taken his side and haven't been in contact with me at all. when I left he took the ' I'm the victim' role telling everyone that he had no idea why I left and that I must be having an affair!! 

Family aren't local but are very supportive.My main concern is that my daughter feels responsible for me- she  is 18 and off to University in September but I know she is worried about me being on my own.

I know or hope things will get better and yes it isn't like it was when I was still with him but things are really tough at the moment- it's like all my emotions are coming out at once and that is so difficult to handle and cope with.


Posted on: July 11, 2014 - 9:30am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi jo1866 and welcome to One Space from me

Sorry to read that you are hitting a terrible low at the moment, it sounds as though your ex is continuing to dominate and hurt you, both through the separation process and his actions towards your daughter. All this negativity can send us spiralling down a hole that feels difficult to clamber out of.

I know this is easier said than done, but at moments like these, even if you don't feel like it, write down all the GOOD things that are in your life right now. This helps me, even if I'm not in the mood. You have lived many years in a very difficult situation and hard as it is, it is time to re-learn and control how you think. You can and will overcome all of this, 2 years isn't a long time, especially with the shennanigans your ex is continuing to display.

Write up that list and share it with us, I would love to hear it! And don't forget the quote:

"Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't - you are right" Our thoughts create our reality, so try hard to see the positive around.

Posted on: July 11, 2014 - 4:23pm


It is so hard but you can't go around it you have to go through it, big hug for you and know we are all here for you   ((((hug))))

Posted on: July 11, 2014 - 11:55pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi jo1866, how was your weekend? Did you do the list? If not can I help you start it?

1. Made myself and my daughter safe
2. Free to live my life how I wish
3. I have a roof over my head
4. I have the courage to seek further support

I am sure there are more that you could add.

You are facing a few issues here

- Ex being controlling over divorce
Do you have a solicitor on the case, or are you representing yourself? Can you decide on one form of communication so that you can prepare yourself before opening emails, looking at mobile, opening the post etc?

- Child maintenance not being correct
You can contact Options and Chat online to an Advisor (click the yellow box on the right hand side of the page) or you can contact our CSA expert to get some information on how to sort this out
- Finances getting out of hand
Contact our Debt advice expert, who will be able to help you look at how to get on top of things, via personal email.
- Ex's new relationship
I am wondering how you are feeling about this? Does it make your life better or worse? Are you feeling jealous? Loss? Concern for the new partner? Sadness? 
- Daughters emotional wellbeing
It sounds as though you have been really strong for your daughter, this is hard when we are struggling with our own stuff too. It is so painful to see that they are not getting their needs cared for by their other parent, however there is little more that you can do, continue to be her rock, her sounding board and her confidante, she will get through this and your relationship will get stronger. Do you think she would like to talk to someone else about how she is feeling?
- Your health and wellbeing
Very important to look after yourself, but of course, not easy when we are feeling very low. Consider contacting your local women aid to see if there is some support they can offer or call their hotline 0808 2000 247 for a chat. Also keep talking to us here Smile 

Sorry this is so long, we have lots of time and energy for you and can support you day to day, so please stay in touch.

Posted on: July 14, 2014 - 10:31am

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Great comprehensive list Anna, i hope you find it useful jo1866 Smile how are you feeling today?

Posted on: July 14, 2014 - 4:51pm


That list is so very very helpful for everyone in a similar position, thank you so much Laughing

Posted on: July 14, 2014 - 6:39pm


Hi Anna and Sally 

Thank  you for your support - I have been thinking about my list over the weekend - a mixed weekend- my daughter spent some time with her Dad and had a really good time - if honest I am really pleased as I do want them to have a relationship going forward but I know she is struggling with this- have a good time with dad then feels disloyal to me- I try so hard to reassure her that I really do want her to have a good relationship with him and really pleased they got on but receive defensive response 

yes I did take the decision to make me and my daughter safe - so difficult but like the fact I have my own space - if honest don't feel free to live my life how I wish - he so controls me still - constantly asking what I have been doing - did I have a good weekend etc - know he drives to where I live to see if I am in as I have seen him - sends me text messages and emails asking if I have had a good week a good weekend etc

his new relationship - not jealous but concerned for her- know what he is like - just hope he is different with her and really don't want anyone having an impact on my daughter from a 'step mother ' point of view. It does mean that he has moved on which is really good for me - if honest do want him to leave me alone and think this will help.

yes have a roof over my head and I am proud that I have achieved this for me and my daughter- we are happy here and it feels right

Posted on: July 15, 2014 - 12:15am

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

It does not sound like he has moved on jo1866, he may have a new relationship, but he is still checking up on you and trying to control you. How about you take back that control? Are there any services locally were you can go and talk?


Posted on: July 15, 2014 - 6:53am