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Hi all,
I'm new!
Been going through some issues relating to my ex making malicious accusations. He has ended up with a harassment warning but I still feel it is all my fault. Right now I am so low, after building up my confidence at first. Now I don't know how to get it back and I'm living in fear of him
x
Hi twinkle. Welcome along. It's a fantastic site, and you will get all the help, support and advice that you're looking for. Ex partners do have a habit of 'stirring' things up don't they? We think we are gettting stronger, and wham! Good for you getting a harassment warning on him. This will show him that you're not standing for his nonsense. Even if you're scared of him, you're taking a stand. Well done. Have you looked at the Freedome Programme? I will see if I can post you the link. Please keep posting as others will be along at some point. x
hi twinkle welcome to this site , you will get alot of support from here i have and still do . im sorry you feel like this but this is not your fault and like hazeleyes said well done for getting the order done . i tried the freedom programme and it helped me see things different
Hi twinkle, welcome to One Space.
Well done for taking the initiative and dealing with your abusive ex's behaviour, it is incredibly hard to do and takes courage, so give yourself a pat on the back.
When you were dealing with all this, you were probably running on adrenalin, then once it is all over ie Act being served. You can relax a bit and that is when we start to feel a bit wobbly.
The way you are feeling is completely normal. It isn't your fault. You are not responsible for any one else's behaviour except your own - even though he might try and lead you to believe otherwise.
Are you involved with a Womens Aid group?
Thankyou so much, all of you. It's been very difficult and complicated. He was violent at times and emotionally abusive all of the time. I'm doing the freedom programme and I recognise him so strongly. By the time I left I was a shell, I only felt like I had permission to leave as he was having an affair, I tried in the early years, but he is someone it's hard to get away from. He told me/is still telling people that I am mentally ill and further tries to discredit me now as I can't have a valid opinion or feelings on anything- he just says I am jealous of his new partner and I am still in love with him. It doesn't matter what it is- kids, money- anything. I've felt so alone and afraid as I was scared if I spoke out that he would just expose me to the world for being an incapable person. I was eventually so scared that I did end up contacting IDAS and it was them who said I could ring the police for harassment. I've been in knots for weeks as I was frightened of more allegations when he realised I had told someone. The police have asked me a few times if I want to make an official statement about the violence- he works with children and they are concerned about that- but I just can't face the stress. I'm going to do some group work on domestic abuse through IDAS. The irony is that I used to work for Women's Aid years ago and knew all the theory like the back of my hand-delivering training to volunteers. I still ended up with my soul sucked out and trying to find the best in him. He has no conscience about lying about even little things.
I'm hoping that I will now really rebuild my life and move on properly, although I know that he will still use the children to deliver abuse- my daughter is 14 and my son is grown up, so there is a time limit on how long he can make allegations etc.
My life has completely been on hold for 4 months now.
I'm painting the kitchen today though and have decided to go to a meeting of a group I am a member of- I haven't been since before Christmas.
I'm starting a new job in a couple of weeks too.
I have met lots of lovely friends and I have a supportive family, so I am lucky in that. I have hobbies/ interests, but just recently I have turned back into the downtrodden 'wife' that I used to be. It's just living with the knowledge that someone will inflict the most damage they can on you and try to discredit you- just to make themselves look better/get their own way. I've even ended up cancelling the maintenance in the hope that he will leave me alone.
How is everyone else? x
Hi twinkle, it happens to the best of us, so please don't beat yourself up over any of this.
I know it is stressful, but it would really be worth making an official statement. It doesn't necessarily mean that it would go anywhere, but it would be down on paper. It is disgusting that he is working with children (so often the case) and I am sure there have been plenty of times that employers have questioned his actions, so anything to fall back on would be a bonus.
How long were you together twinkle? When did you split up and was it 4 months ago when the malicious accusations happened. Is it since then that you have been feeling bad?
You will rebuild your life. It is just such a shock, it sounds as though it is only just dawning on you how awful and abusive the relationship was and because you have worked with WA, you are probably giving yourself a hard time for not recognising it earlier.
So first and foremost be kind to yourself. Believe in yourself. You are in control now and although you may not always feel it, you have your friends and family to show you the star that you are.
Well done for painting the kitchen, good for you, hows it going, will you need another coat?
Hiya, we split up nearly 3 years ago! Everytime I seem to get lifted off and enjoy life something happens again. We were together for 17 years. You are right, it's only since separation that I have realised just how abusive the relationship was- as it's clearer- I don't even see him- all of this has been via email. Yes, the malicous accusations started just before Christmas, although they had been threatened before.
The kitchen just needed one coat :)
I didn't think I would make a statement, but I am considering it now- will talk to an IDAS worker and reflect.
Thankyou so much, this is a brilliant website, I'm surprised I haven't come across it before.
x
Hi twinkle, thank you for the compliment! We will be 4 years old in May!
It is annoying and frustrating when you have split up and feel as though you have been through the worst of it, to have to keep dealing with this stuff.
Would you consider creating a new email account and only look at the old one, once a month, so that it isn't so close to you?
Does your daughter see her father regularly?
That is part of the problem. When we first split up he stopped parenting and I begged him to carry on, he knew it was really important to me. He refused mediation and to go to an appointment with child psychological services, that I had made as my daughter was upset by all the changes.
Both my daughter and son eventually ignored any mail they did get from him. They were upset at how he had treated them. I got the blame, although I had been really careful to encourage them to see him and to be neutral around them. I continued trying to get them together, they refusing and him being awkward and pushing them away. I eventually gave up. I certainly wasn't perfect in all of this and grew frustrated with him because I could see that if he only was supportive, encouraging etc to them they probably would eventually see him. It didn't seem that big a problem for him until he started paying maintenance last October- that's when he started mailing me, saying he couldn't afford it, really texting/mailing the children a lot- with emotional stuff- they ignored it- even though I always say that it's fine for them to reply- they even don't want me to say that now as they feel I am pressuring them into replying (which I'm not). Then he started with the allegations and saying he had every right to talk to me and if I didn't talk to him he would carry on reporting. He is convinced of a lot of things that simply aren't true and seems to think that I spend my life trying to upset his and everything/anything bad that happens to him he thinks I have made it happen in some way. It's very frustrating when you are on the receiving end of that and you are telling the truth.
The trouble is, I had no problem with talking to him, but he just tries to bully his way in everywhere. I've drawn a line- he isn't allowed to email me anymore. The children know it is fine for them to contact him whenever they want to.
He even lied to the police when they went round to deliver the harassment warning, saying I won't let him send them cards on their birthdays and christmas, which is absolute fiction. I begged him to and he didn't, he told me in an email that he had asked them both if he could send them one this christmas and they had said no. Again, just a lie. He is now saying he is worried sick about his daughter and can't sleep.
If he didn't lie, just did normal stuff, everything would be fine and the children would see him. Although, in retrospect, with the way he is behaving, I'm glad they aren't, at the moment at least.
I just can't deal with him at all.
Any advice? Is there anything more I could be doing?
I always end up feeling guilty :)
By the way, I gave up trying to resolve issues between them about a year ago and started ignoring most of his messages as I had had enough. It was after I ignored him consistently for two months that he started with the allegations and threats.
I think it's about control. He stopped parenting at first as he knew this would upset everyone and now he is being ignored he wants to parent- if that makes sense. I just don't trust him at all, even though I have never stopped the children from communicating with him if they want to. He always says it should be up to them and he has never wanted anything official in place over contact, even though I have suggested that would be best, as it would lay down boundaries and stop all the accusations.
I can't help feeling sorry for him sometimes though, he does genuinely seem clueless about how they feel.
What the children want is the most important thing though? son did contact him a few weeks ago and told him what had upset him and why he didn't want contact at the moment and for his dad not to contact him until he contacted his dad. His dad accepted this and what he had said (although he sent me an email saying he was suspicous that I had written the reply!). Because of this acceptance son is actually thinking of going to see him before he goes away to university. It was as simple as that, son just needed to feel heard.
Hi twinkle, all of this is him continuing the abuse in any way he knows how and it is working.
Remember that you can call the domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 any time of day or night to talk out your worries.
The children seem to know what they want and there is little you can do about it, regardless of what he thinks. It sounds as though you have done everything you could.
You say that sometimes he seems completely clueless about how they feel, I disagree, he just won't back down and do what you suggest. He probably doesnt believe that children should have a say. He is being obstinate.
When my daughter was finding contact difficult I ended up stating No Contact, my ex took me to Court, but he didn't finish it as he couldn't face the truth. I say this because saying No Contact is one of the most difficult decisions a mother can make, even if the father is an abusive man. We don't want to play god, but we have to protect our babies and we know what is best for them.
Do not feel guilty for your actions, that is his intention. You know that you are doing the best that you can with what he is throwing at you. Be proud that you have got yourself this far. He is continuing with his childish tactics, you are being the grown up and trying to manage his behaviour.
If your son chooses to go and see his father, then he is old enough to deal with it. His father will dig his own grave. Yes you will be the one who deals with the fall out, but you are not responsible for how his father acts.
Hi twinkle it is awful for you to continue to have toi go through this.
Your children are older now and know their own minds.
How do you feel about writing to him and saying "I have had enough of this harrassment. I have been encouraged to make a statement to the police and will be doing so if you do not desist. This may well impact on your employment as they will naturally want to ensure you are safe to continue to work with children" What reaction do you think would result?
Thanks both of you, your replies are reassuring.
The good news is that I am slowly feeling better since the harassment warning was issued and, looking back on it, this is the first time that I have ever really and firmly stood up to him.
I don't know about writing to him, because of the harassment warning, and he may take that as a signal that I want to carry on communication with him and I don't really 'mean it'
Depending on what .happens in the next few weeks, I may change my mind. The police officer said he was very worried about his job, so things may just settle down now.
Son, if he does decide to see him, has strong boundaries and won't be manipulated/bullied- I'm sure that he will just walk away if that happens.
Strange, I can think clearly and logically about the situation when not bombarded with his messages.
I still don't know about the formal statement, maybe when I have been to the IDAS group, I will be clearer on that.
I'm certainly going to stick around on this website, as I think it is excellent,
:)
HI twinkle, it is great to read that you are beginning to feel a bit better after having to deal with the harassment warning and all that entails. Give yourself a big pat on the back for standing up to him. 
Now is the time for you to rebuild your strength and self esteem. I want you to be prepared for when your ex might start trying to knock your defenses down again, as unfortunately this can often happen, just when you feel everything is calm and going to be ok. Has your son said anymore about meeting with his father?
Love having you on here too 
Thanks Anna,
What particulary worries me is that I cancelled any maintenance payments because he was pushing for that and I will have to re-apply at some point- otherwise my daughter and I will have to move when my son goes away to university- and she is settled. It's what will happen if/when I reapply- would it all start up again. He doesn't think he should pay as they don't want to see him and they should have to go to him and ask if they need anything. I do feel bad that he should be paying when he isn't seeing them- but the money is for them and, ironically, when we first split up I just said give them pocket money each week and don't bother with maintenance, he did at first but quickly stopped- and that is one of the reasons they were so unimpressed- no Christmas/birthday cards/presents and no pocket money- a big zero. We were homeless and went weeks without any income and he never asked once if they needed anything. He spent ages not being helpful with the csa and he paid 4 and half months of maintenace before I felt pushed into stopping it.
If I could afford it, I would never ask him for a penny!
My son hasn't mentioned anything else about going to see his dad- he is concentrating on exams though and I don't think it's uppermost in his thoughts at the moment.
He may do it when he has finished college.
Hi twinkle
Yes I can understand your feelings about the CSA, however I was wondering whether it might be a plan to do it NOW and get it all over and done with while he has a harrassment order against him? it's your call but all I can say is that paying child support and having contact with that child are two completely separate matters in law so it is a mistake for him to confuse them. I feel angry that he has made you worried about asking for what is theirs by right. And how dreadful no Christmas and birthday gifts. Even if he decided not to provide support, that was the very least he could have done.
So...reflecting what Anna said, where are you at with building up your defences if he kicks off again?
I agree with Louise, twinkle. Just because he doesn't see the children doesn't mean they don't cost, don't feel bad, he had a big part of putting them on this earth and it is money for their upkeep, not for you to spend!
Good point Louise about doing while the order is in place, you are more protected.
Nobody is going to look kindly on someone who kicks off and expects tax payers to cover him, because he doesn't want to pay for his children.
What defences do you have in place for future harassment?
Thanks both, yes you are right. I need to re-apply for the maintenance, my children deserve it. I don't really have future defences at the moment. I'm swinging from feeling much better and making plans for my life to feeling down and guilty and ashamed of what I feel I let happen.
I'm kind of acknowledging that I have a lot of work to do and reminding myself that there was a time when I felt perfectly confident about my place in the world.
I'm working on future goals and will attend the IDAS group sessions.
I've decided to go and do some voluntary work with the local refugee group, helping with literacy skills and start a creative writing course.
Ultimately, I would like to teach english as a foreign language, abroad. That's my dream and, even if I only do it for a short time (when both children have moved out), then I would be so proud of myself.
One of the reasons I can't cope with communication with my ex is the constant digs- I'm a teacher, you are nothing. One of the reasons he eventually made it to being a teacher is because I coached and supported him, filling him with positivity- all I got back was that I would never be able to support the family, so everything should be concentrated on him and he would take care of us all. Yet I used to do good jobs! How did I let him psychologically manipulate me so much?
I'm just beginning to recognise just how deeply abusive the relationship was.
Lots of work to do!
x
Yes, but you are doing it twinkle!!!! how fab you are!!! You CAN realise your dream, and I love the sound of your plans
Hi twinkle, you have lived with extreme emotional highs and lows, so now you are no longer with your ex, it will take time to balance your emotions.
Have a look at Victim through to Thriver and see where you are on that scale :) You can use it to help you turn things around in your head too.
Brilliant to hear that you are going to do some voluntary work, I think that is such a positive step forward to work on your self esteem. You will do a fab job! I am glad that you recognise that your ex was just saying anything to keep you down - they tend to do that to strong women!
I hope that you are looking after yourself through all of this too, if you are just recognising just how deep this abuse has gone, then be kind to yourself as it can be very emotional, and don't get cross with yourself for allowing it. It is what it is and you are past that now.
Welcome twinkle - sorry you are feeling low at the moment - completely understandable - do you have the support of family and friends