Hi,
I have recently told my husband of 4 years that I am no longer in love with him and that I never was. I love him, please don't get me wrong but I'm just not in love with him.
We got together in September 2002 whilst I was still in a long distance relationship with an Italian I had been with for 9 years. The Italian was unable to offer me the things in life that I wanted, stability, a child and a home but G was able to give me those things. By February of 2003 I was pregnant, not planned, and in April we bought our home. Things kind of snowballed. In 2007 we got married as I felt that this was the right thing to do and I did believe that I was in love with him, however straight after I felt like my life was over and I realised that I hadn't done the right thing. For 4 years I have been pretending that things were fine until I snapped last month when he kept asking me what was wrong.
He is a brilliant dad and my best friend, but I just cannot see myself being with him for even another year. I don't fancy him and it's really hard. He is totally in love with me and is unstandably very upset, he keeps saying that he just wants the best for me. I feel dreadful and it is painful to see him this way but I just cannot do it anymore.
I work 22 hours a week but on a rolling rota till midnight during the week and weekends, this job is to end soon however and I am currently looking for full time day work. We have a loan for another 4 year and a mortgage that still has 16 years left to pay. I have said that I will manage to pay the mortgage if he can take the loan on. He has said that he would prefer to sell the house so that we can split the loan between us, however there are a few houses in the street for sale and they just aren't selling. I have said that when the time is right then we will sell but now isn't the time, he has agreed for now. He will have to go back to his mam's house and is dreading it.
We are currently still living together and for me it is like nothing has changed as I have felt like I was living with my best friend for years but he is struggling and keeps asking for sex.
Has anybody been in this stype of situation before? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi shiningstar
I woule endorse everything that Anna has said but I would also like to add that there is no reason you cannot both be brilliant parents even if you separate. The secret is to understand that your own relationship is completely separate from your role as parents and if you can keep the FRIENDSHIP aspect of your relationship alive and continue to treat each other with respect then life will be much better for your child.
Hi shiningstar, welcome to One Space
This is a difficult time for you, but give yourself a pat on the back for being honest with yourself and then honest with him. I think too many people stay in these situations because they can't find the words and spend many years being unhappy.
My first instinct is to say that whilst you are living under the same roof, he will think that there is a chance you may sort things out. You don't hate him and there may be moments of weakness, so I am wondering if it may be healthier for you if he moves out sooner rather than later.
One thing I have learnt in this role is that if you are sure this relationship is over, then seek family law advice as soon as possible. Separating is hard but there is no point dragging it out, there are lots of things that will need to be dealt with and the sooner you start the ball rolling, the better you will feel being active and also the message will be sent to your partner that you really mean this. You will have to take things a day at a time and its not going to be easy, but it does have to be done.
Have a look at this brilliant resource called If you are thinking about separation or divorce from Money Advice Service, I think you will find this useful.
We do have experts that can give Housing advice, Legal advice and Money advice individually via email, click on the links and ask a question.
This must be so tough on you, you don't want to hurt him, but you must do what is right for you ultimately. We are here to support you through this so please don't feel like you are alone.
Do you think that if you got some space from him you might feel differently?