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Hi all,
After 13 years of marriage I got to the point in November last year when the thoughts of ending the marriage couldn't be pushed down emotionally anymore. For the last 7 years we have had untold stress on the relationship which has caused my husband to shut down emotionally leaving me feeling more lonely in his company than when I'm on my own. Anyway 4 weeks ago I finally realised that I cannot supress these feelings anymore, we had a real big rational talk and decided to seperate. So 4 weeks and a lot of talking later and we are at the point where he will be moving out this week. Although the separation is mainly my instigation, he agrees that we just aren't right at the moment and things are only going to get worse as I think I have given up the 7 year long battle I have been fighting. The sad fact is that we've grown apart and for me I can no longer live in a relationship that leaves me feeling so lonely. I feel like after 7 years of stress and misery that I've woke up and thought 'this is not you, you are fun loving, sociable and happy' I feel like the old me is fighting to get out, and I want it to. So just a few things buzzing round my head today.....
How do we tell the children 8 and 12 year old boys?
Why don't I feel like my life is falling apart? Has it not sunk in yet? Will it sink in when he goes?
Money?? Always a big factor. I work approx 20 hours a week but obviously my wage will not support a house and 2 kids.
Has anyone else had experience of a friendly break up?
All advice and comments welcome x
Hi Anna,
Thanks for the reply. I will look at the suggested articles thanks for the info.
I'm lucky to have lots of different friends who can help and support me in different ways, some who'll be there when I need to have some light hearted fun, some who have been through it and have been and will continue to offer advice. I don't know how my parents will react, especially my mum who has a tendancy to make other peoples problems about her (will cross that bridge when I come to it).
As far as the missing him, I think you're right, I might miss the practical side of it but the other side I've been doing without for so long that I think it's just second nature now :/
He is going to his mums for the short term, until he can do the work on a flat she owns to bring it up to scratch. I've said I have no problem with him visiting the kids every day in the short term until we find a proper 'fit', we are both keen on co-parenting and I suppose that we are in a good position to do this as we aren't at the stage of hating the sight of each other.
We are going to tell the boys tonight, I expect it to be hard to explain to them because some adults we've told have had a hard time understanding that we are separating without hating each other, or the presence of someone else.
Hopefully the boys will see the fun loving mum that is slowing coming back out, instead of the stressed, tired, grumpy one I've been for so long. Even in the last 4 weeks I've felt such a sense of relief for getting the thoughts, that having been driving me mad in my head for so long, out into the open. Guilt at first for feeling and saying these things out loud but then relief!!!
I suppose now the next few weeks/months are going to be the hardest so I imagine you'll be seeing a lot of me ;) It's going to be of great help speaking to people who don't know us as a couple and have preconcieved ideas about us.
Thanks for you advice so far x
Hi
It could be a relief when you finally do split after feeling lonely for so long. I know that I have never regretted leaving the ex - and that was eight years ago.
I notice that you work. With regards to finance, when you are a lone-parent, you should be able to claim working tax credits and child tax credits.
Being the only adult in the household too will mean a 25% reduction in council tax.
I do hope that you will be able to keep things on amicable terms as it makes such a huge difference.
I hope that you are both able to speak to the boys together. All I can suggest is to keep things simple, remind them all the time that Mum and Dad both love them very much, and to answer their questions as truthfully, and again, as simply as possible.
And always be positive about the other parent, however you may feel about things at the time. Actually, that part has possibly been the most difficult for me.
Hello moonpie
Welcome to One Space. The others have given you some great information 
There's a lot to sort through so I won't overwhelm you. But we are here to support you through this.
If your boys are readers, here is a book for their age group which may help.
Look forward to getting to know you as we go along!
Hi moonpie, how did it go telling the boys?
Hi everyone,
Sorry not been back on for a day or two. Told the boys on Tuesday, they took it really well, the younget had a bit of a cry and I felt like saying 'ok we won't' but I held it together.
My ex (is that what he is now) has been coming round after work each day and each day leaving to go slightly earlier than the day before, last night the youngest gave him a hug and said see you tomorrow. We are really trying to ease them into getting used to him not being here 24/7. They are going to stay over with him on Saturday. Whether it's wishful thinking or not, or whether they'll hit me with it in a few weeks I don't know but they seem really fine about it. Guess it's just baby steps and playing it by ear.
I, on the other hand have surprised myself!! I suppose I've been that used to him just being a presence and nothing else but I'm fine. Get up in the morning in a good mood and stay in it all day. I have a mate I've known for 22 years who I hardly ever see but is providing loads of support everyday :) I was even having to counsel my parents yesterday, they are really upset ad worried.
Anyway, I'll keep in touch and thanks for your messages x
Thats great news moonpie. Well done.
Boys aren't great talkers and often you can get more out of them whilst drying the dishes together rather than sitting down, facing them and giving them eye contact.
So if you feel either one of your boys is holding something back, do just try and raise it casually whilst you are doing something else, so that they don't feel the spotlight is on them.
It sounds as though the separation has been handled really maturely, so the boys feel safe and unconcerned and your feel fab! Brilliant!
Have a great weekend! What will you do whilst the boys are away?
Hi Anna and co,
It's true boys aren't great talkers. The youngest and I had a little chat on the walk to school the other day, not a forced chat just he brought up the fact that when he stays over at nanas dad will be there to and he gave a little 'yay'. The eldest (12 going on 22) is a laid back character and doesn't really say much so it's him that I'm sort of watching, but he seems fine at the moment.
So tomorrow I'm off over to a friends house to stay the night, she's having a bit of a rough time at work so I think it's Forrest Gump (our fav film) with lots of snacks and maybe some alcohol. Then maybe a quick walk in the hills on Sunday morning.
Have a great weekend yourself
Hello moonpie
Enjoy your "me time"
I honestly think that if BOTH parents can work together regarding a split and respect the other parent and their involvement in the children's lives then the effect on the children is minimal. Sadly, this is very rarely the case as emotions run high and even if one parent can do this, the other can't and conflict between the two of them is almost inevitable.
I have a friend who married a chap who was her best friend. She realised some time down the line that it wasn't working as a marriage and they separated, they had one son and have shared the care of him throughout. They still spend Christmas together and now the dad has a new partner she is included too. But as I say, very rare....although that boy has reaped the benefits so very much.
Hi moonpie, how was the film and 'quick' walk on the hills?!
Did the boys have a good time with nana and dad?
Hi all,
So the boys went to stay with dad on Saturday and I went to my friends house. Had a nice night just watching our fav film and generally putting the world to rights (like us women do). Boys arrived home at about 4pm, obviously suffering from technolody withdrawl, and their dad said it'd be weird and hard as he doesn't feel settled yet at his mums. He said he doesn't knoe if it's a good idea to be having them overnight whilst he's there. Obviously this irked me but I didn't let it show and just said 'it's early days'. Anyway he came round last night after work and said he felt a lot better than he did on Sunday, had a bit of a chat about it and he suggested having the boys here on his days and me going elsewhere for that time. I don't know how I feel about that. Won't that be more confusing for them?
Anyway, I suppose it's all a working progress and we will find our feet soon enough.
xx
I guess that decision is up to you, moonpie. I did have the boys' dad here sometimes but only to babysit in the evenings. How do you feel about it? It is natural to feel territorial about your home as well.
Hi moonpie and welcome to One Space
First and foremost I would like to say Well done You for speaking your truth. So many couples muddle along for the sake of the children, loneliness, fear of the unknown and it sounds as though you took the bull by the horns and are facing your truth. It takes guts and guts get you far!
You ask how to tell your boys. Does your husband know where he is going to be living? Or how often he wants to see the boys? It is always recommended that you tell the children together if you can, but have these answers ready. Then give the boys a chance to air their feelings, but be prepared for them to not want to say anything.
We never know how our children will respond, they might feel completely heartbroken or they may enjoy the fun loving mum that they have never known and the thought of having two homes. Of course they will take time to adjust, but if you and your husband are on reasonable terms and not facing depression then hopefully they will take it in their stride.
You probably don't feel like your life is falling apart, because it is the right thing for you to do. No doubt after the initial split there will be times when you do miss him perhaps, not in a deep yearning way, but because he perhaps made certain things in life easier (taking the rubbish out/dealing with the car maintenance!)
It is important that you get some legal advice as soon as possible, because although you want to keep things friendly there will be finances etc to sort out. Will your partner be giving you money for the boys, if you can come to an amicable agreement that is great, have a look at the Child Maintenance Calculator to see how much they are entitled to.
You might also be interested in our article Help I have just become a single parent - this gives info on all the practical areas to consider.
This is the start of the rest of your life. I am looking forward to getting to know you
Do you have family and friends around that can support you?