I am new here and became a single mother after receiving domestic violence,which I did not realise it was till last January. Having lived in the U.K. for the last 20years, It was very difficult decision for me to make and leave my husband with my 5 year old at that time. Back in my home country fro 9 months now and seeing my child settled well in the education system and culture here so quickly is somewhat comforting but also some frustration that I really feel at the same time. I met my husband about 20 years ago here and my English was pegion then. We made a dramatic and most romantic decision to be together after myself coming to him for 6 months to live together. I guess it was a wrong decison already.He came from a very complex family history and I felt so muh for him as he rose above all the difficulty and working for a prestige company. I guess I did not want to stigmatise his past onto him though, I felt alarmed when I first heard about his background. For not understanding British culture and him then, problem quickly escalated Because of each family member of complex past, he was stuck between myself and his family, yet nothing was sorted when I was desperate. He was also unable to socialise due to his childhood problems and I became very dependent on him thanks to ongoing problems with his family and him not being able to socialise or having difficulty in understanding emotional side of support. I guess we both ended up isolating ourselves without realising. Though the frequency of abuse is scarce in 20 years, I am terrified about the effects of and also the complexity of domestic violence that brings on to people's psychological matters. He is one of those people who will go out his way to help others. Sounds great doesn't it? I guess it is his way of getting closer to people. But at the same time, the person is so good at his job because of his inpatinece that is entailed for his career. I am a very compassionate person and who would help anybody out there. Unfortunatey not for him, I can't. My child has to come first and she does not deserve to go through what I had to do. But it's tough here. As I said, 20 years of my life in England, I don't feel quite the person from this country anymore. I also met my husband here in the city I live. Can you imagine the mixed feelings? There is still stigma attached to single mothers in this country though it is very common. I am also feeling that in long term, financially I might be better off being there. As Britain is culturally diverse, there are so much support that are catered for all sorts of individuals. What I really miss England about is that the mixture of people. Each word typing here is thanks to your culture you taught me. I wish I could see more of British people here but unfortunately not. I am scared of letting go of the roots I left there. The longer I live here further you will go from me.
I wish I had stayed there. I left because I was too scared to live in my beautiful house we had. I left because I have got my family here. Yes, it was good I broke the cycle but the reality is harsh. I am feeling a massive sense of loss at the moment. Lost the culture I am very much in love with, my husband, marriage and also feeling the loss of my Mother through my daughter as I was 6 when she died. To make the matter worse, my dearest mentor is suffering from cancer. I've been talking to this person since I came back as I was struggling so much. And all this time, she did not tell me. I feel ashamed. I went back to the U.K. at Christmas, I suppose it is upsetting at the moment as well. I did not go and see this person. I really regret for not having seeing her. Life is short everyone, we can't bicker. We have to think about the children. I hate what my husband had done to me. I've been talking to my daughter, actually ill talk to her about him as I really didn't want him to get close to her. But I learned that she only wnats to hear still healthy family is in her heart. I can now see from her perspectives. I have to think about her emotional well being so that she can develop as normal as possible.
Hi KT
I'm sorry too that things are so difficult.
I hope things start to settle down and life becomes a little easier.
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Dear Louise,
Thank you for your warm welcome. I appreciate this kind of support from far away! It is the advantage of living in the modern world. I have my Father and my brother and though my daughter doesn't see them every week, somehow she finds them great comfort.My daughter has settled so well except that she misses her Dad at the moment, waking up for a couple of seconds to say Mummy I'm sad, miss Daddy...And grinding her teeth whilst her sleep a the moment. And fiddling with her hair all day even if she is ocupied with other things... She is enjoying her kndergarten. I always believed that secure attachment with good family are essential for children's development but in terms of chances that my daughter could explore might be better being back in England. SHe doesn't want to go to the U.K. because of my family. I guess she's too little to understand? The longer we stay here, harder it gets to go. SHe could end up feeling the loss of my family? as well as perhaps her Dad? Or would it be balanced if she saw him once a week? I'm not sure if it is agood idea especially the reason I left was domestic violence. After living with this person for 20 years plus financial suppor I get from him, once back in the country, I don't know how I can control my emotion or he can his. I have firm decision of not to be with him here I guess I'm not so isolated as I would be back In England.But I met truly wonderful people from all sorts of walks o life there, What I'm holding onto is just about my family now then where would my life go and what can I achieve in my life? I would really like to know whether I should be thinking about the future in the long run or better not to move her as she's settled. Should I think of her emotional security for now or move back while it is still comfortable for both of us.
Your support is greatly appreciated.
Dear Sparklinglime,
Thank you for responding to my post. I appreciate it.
It's a really hard decision and not one anyone can make for you....I also think that neither option is a great deal better than the other, which in one sense is fantastic because it means you have two workable choices.
Does your daughter have contact with her dad, for example via Skype?
Hi KT and welcome from me too 
I have just read your first post and I think if you get the chance please do our online Freedom Programme, because although your ex was rarely violent, your relationship was abusive and it sounds as though you still hold responsibility for his behaviours.
It sounds as though your daughter has settled where you are now and enjoys being with her uncle and grandfather. If she were over in the UK, how much contact would she have with them? How much contact would she have with her father? One thing I have learnt about domestic abuse is that it is intergenerational, especially with girl children. The way your ex spoke to you, or how he made you feel, would be the same for your daughter.
So I think the question is about you...where do you want to be? It sounds as though you feel as though the UK has more to offer you, but I am wondering what the tourist industry in your country is like, whether actually you could meet a lot of people from different countries whilst you work. I am also wondering if there is an ex-pat community where you could UK nationals??
Dear Anna,
Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate you being there. The extra support is so meaningful for me. I tried to look at the freedom course from the blue font that Louise typed but it keeps coming up to say, the access is denied by the authority.... I would really like to try that. But what's wrong, not sure.
In response to your questions, my daughter will not see my family back in theU.K.It will be only the time if I ever came back to Japan. As my family will not travel or never travelled before.
WIth her Father, she does skype at the moment but not so often. I ask her whenever she's sad but she doesn't want to. She doesn't want to feel miss him.I also believe that the British law allows the abusers or any criminals to let them have ontacts with children so long as the children are not hurt, even if they are in prison.So from my assumption, it will be once a week if I came back to the U.K. Now then, my daughter might feel the loss of my family as well as her father back in the U.K. Bare it in mind that she sees my family once in 1.5 weeks here. But it will be reduced once if I start working or as she grows up perhaps. I know in her mind, her family are myself, her Father, Grand Father and my brother. She says she doesn't want go back because of my family here.
I went back to the U.K. this Chrsitmas just passed. It was really draining for both my husband and myself. My daughter wanted to see him almost everyday and we did. She enjoyed it but not me.SO when we are physically there I am not sure how the weight of attachement she has to each member of us will shift.
He has passed sole parental responsibility onto me as I came to Japan and it is documented in our agreement though it is not a proper separation deeds. I'm not sure what it means when I go back to the U.K. I am not divorced him yet as I was too worried about getting hurt again and waiting to divorce him for at least 4 months, I decided to come back then to divorce here in my country. I also am not sure if I decide to go back to the U.K., whether the divorce I did in Japan would be valid over there.
I am not sure where I want to be at the moment. Though there are many foreign people living here, not Europeans and the perception about the minority group is nothing like in the U.k. I am thinking about my daughter's identity as well.
The trouble is my husband is such a low self esteemed and couldn't even get close to me completely and I was depressed at that time due to recurrent miscarriage I was suffering and didn't want to see any body. He became very stressed and one day the argument escalated then he hurt me.I am not saying this is O.K. at all. Because I feel like I needed to be supported rather than punched. It was one blow then but enough was enough for me. I guess, looking back now, I was fed up with his low self esteem, well before this abuse, meaning not able to get close to me at emotional level at all This was due to his child hood of course. That's why I left. He himself said that blow helped us to decide the separation. I felt very uncomfortable that he said that but at the same time it was true.As I realised he has patterns of behaviour when he is under extreme stress. Over the years our stress level escalated.For examaple, he has some oral fixations that leads to drinking habit though he seems to stay healthy by excersising and going out with friends he 's made now.
My husband doesn't know how to support people emtionally but in stead he supports people physically. I guess that is his sense of control to be a good person. But it could be turned the other way around if the balance is tipped I beleive. Once I became depressed as we moved into the new area and I did not know anybody but he was constantly working overseas and I was isolated with the study I was doing at home etc... I ended up being in a mental hospital due to my brain shutting down. The night before I went into hospital(sectioned), I was behaving odd and through out the night. He couldn't cope with me so he hit me on my buttocks so hard that I was scared of him in hospital and they involved the social services not sure whether it was solely because of this or because of other things but one thing I remeber is that the gentleman from social services was asking me whetner my husband hit me or not... Considering that, it is not safe for me or daughter at all to be with him.
I don't feel responsibility for him I hope. But because of this relationship, I was there for 20 years and met so many wonderful people in my life as well. It is a shame to let go of that connection just because of one person. I think I am findinding it so hard here beause I see my childhood grief of loss of my mother through my daughter that is more siginificant than anything else. not sure. But at the same time, my Mother is not here anymore and the reality is that the time has passed on. Was it worth coming back?
It will take a long time for me to settle here. The system works differently and I may not belong to this culture any more though my family are here. As for the Father's intergenerational behaviour, would it still affect the children when they are not in the same house? I know there is statistic that shows the number of children who died as result of domestic violence even if the parents were split up. 20 odd children last year I believe. My daughter wouldn't be 6 forever and when she grows up, I wonder what she's going to be like with him. SHe will not have her family except myself, him and his sisters which I never was comfortable with, she could end up being in the same situation? What is humanity? There are my friends who support my husband there knowingly what he has done and
and they sheltered myself and my daughter. His partner was pregnant and trying to move their daughter into the new room where they let us use without telling me about it. I really miss this person. They are the poeple who said they will support us even if we ended up coming back. I might have an opportunity to work teaching English here, there is high demand. But I feel I must try something more to rise above sometimes. Teaching English isn't enough for me. I would like to know how I could be retrained and make sure I can get a job over there if I were to come back. I really miss the cultural integration I was in touch with.And I would lke my daughter to be the same.
But I cannot let my daughter's life wrecked my him either.
Hello KT
First of all I checked the blue link to the Freedom Programme, it does work but you have to be logged in to do it. However, if you are finding it is not working for you then here is another way:
Log in to the site
Make sure you are on the Home Page (if not then click "home" very near the top, at the left hand side of the page)
On the home page, scroll down, look on the right hand side on the page for the box headed Your Learning
Within that box, click on Surviving Domestic Abuse
Hope that helps!!! 
I hear from your last post that you have been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking about the situation from diiferent points of view. I also hear that you went back to Japan and yet it was not the same without your Mum, that must have been a hard thing for you to contemplate. You ask about the effect on your daughter...well if she has an awareness of the violence or abuse then you have shown her that this is NOT acceptable and that a woman can be strong and independent. What matters is stability and you have given her that.
I understand that you don't want to feel "stuck" in teaching and you are wondering where you are headed...keep talking with us if it helps to get your thoughts aired.
Are there many people parenting alone in Japan?
Dear Louise,
Thank you so much and sorry I have written such lengthy piece. I couldn't believ that. And the spelling mistakes and so on.
I will try to look on the page again.
You tell me that I have given her stability and it's a great comfort and feel a bit courageous. I guess I am losing my confidence because of the culture and feel so responsible for my daughter.
I asked her today where she wants to be... The child sometimes makes much clearer and more logical way of thinking, Very pure. She said that she liked here better. Because Dadddy doesn't hurt my Mummy. She's 6. And I take my hat off. I know deep down she is very stable here but because of my fear, greaf etc, most of the time it obscures my belief. I wish I could give up. It's harder than I thought.
You've been posting your comment from such an early morning. Hope you can have a good cup of tea. I wish you were here with me. You don't know how much this means to me. Thank you from bottom of my heart.
Ah well I am having my second cup of tea right now, I do tend to log on early each morning with my first cup of tea, as you realised.
Stability, yes! and although your confidence is wobbly it is time to look at increasing this...hope you can get on the Freedom Programme page
Hello KT
You are very welcome to One Space!It's a very friendly place here and others will be along to say hello later.
Sorry to hear that you are feeling so lonely at the moment.It is a big upheaval to move to another country and culture, even one that is familiar to you from before. You said you have some family there...who is there for you? What country are you in now and tell us a bit about what it is like? Lots of questions, sorry, just good to get to know you.
You say that you are suffering from a lot of loss...when a person grieves, then it is important to go through the process. Have a look at this article(click) to read more about what is going on with your emotions. It sounds as if you are a bit "stuck" in your grief for your mum and your more recent losses have started the process all over again.
Another thing I would like you to look at is The Freedom Programme (click) which is an online course for people who have suffered domestic abuse, many people have found itreally helpful for moving their lives forward.
Stay with us and we can give you support at this difficult time