Just a quick hello to everyone. New here and the first time I've ever thought about reaching out to others about my past. Since it all happened more than 10 years ago I guess that might seem a long wait but it's time I came to terms with it all and moved on. Not really sure how or where to start as it is quite a long time ago and I haven't thought much about it in years, but I've been single all that time and now that I have more of a social life I'm finding the fears and insecurities rising up, to the point that I'm terrified to look a man in the eye.
I have a good life, I have two lovely children and wonderful parents (although I cannot and will not share this with any of them; the last time I mentioned it I was told to get over it) but feel I need to address this or forever spend my life hiding from the opposite sex.
I'll try and explain for you. I won't include all the detail for my own sake as well as the amount of space would need to write it all.
I was married for just over four years to an abusive man. He used emotional, sexual and occassionally physical abuse against me. In my naivety I blamed myself and tried to make things work. I was young (just 21 when we married and when I had my son) and with the problems with my son I put the situation on hold to cope with his medical issues (my sons that is. He developed epilepsy and learning difficulties at the age of 13 months). My then husband hated the hospital and wouldn't come in when he was there, nor do the day visits. I lost my second child during one of my sons stays and the ex did nothing but bemoan my having to be in hospital for a night after losing the child. When my daughter came along she started coming to the weekly hospital trips at 6 days old. He wouldn't drive us, we had to get a taxi.
As my son became a little older he became less and less tolerant of his difficulties, punishing him for anything and everything, having little to do with him. By the age of 18 months my son was self harming and was seeing a psychologist.
On the one occassion I broke down in the kitchen he walked past and ignored me, despite my sobbing. He became obsessive to the point that he didn't want me out without his mother present. I was told repeatedly that no one else would ever love me, my friends weren't allowed round and when out he would take my hand and crush it if I did anything that 'annoyed' him. I was expected to run his bath before he came home from work and sit in there whilst he took it. If I was asleep, he would wake me by smothering my face. I hated getting into bed with him at night, I never knew what would happen.
When I finally left it was while he was at work and I packed up all my stuff and the kids things, ferried them to my parents house along with my cats (I didn't want to leave them as I believed he would hurt them) and then myself and my children went to stay in a womens refuge. He did turn up at my parents house as soon as he realised I was gone but thankfully couldn't get near us. My daughter was 18 months old at the time in the summer of 1999. By December the courts gave me full custody of the children and a divorce from him. It was a blessing to have it pulled through so quickly.
His parents refused to see the children as he wasn't allowed until rules were laid out by the solicitors. His father rang me once when in the refuge and asked me why I was doing it. When I told him, he tried to make excuses for his sons behaviour and never spoke to me again. His mother confessed to my mum that his last two relationships had ended because of his abusive tendencies.
Since then both his parents have died and he has remarried. For years he had regular contact with the children. Since we moved a very long way away last year he hasn't seen them at all although he does still ring from time to time. The children don't miss him and don't like me to mention his name. They know what he was like back then and experienced some issues when they used to visit.
Now I have started working somewhere friendly and pleasant. I love what I do and I like the people I work with. I have found that I am fine with younger or much older men, or basically any man I don't consider to be a threat (in other words, those I'm not attracted to in any way and don't approach me in that manner). Any man that looks at me or talks in a certain way or those that I am attracted to frighten me. It's not that they've done anything wrong, but I thinkI have become so adept at keeping men at a distance I don't how to do anything else. To start with I imagine I would have used the children as an excuse to avoid relationships and intimacy (they were young, needed me, my son has medical needs etc) but now it's an ingrained habit I'm scared to break. I've been alone apart from a very brief relationship in 2000 which lasted two weeks and there was no intimacy beyond kissing.
Anyways.....I don't know where to go from here. It was a comment someone made the other day that made me take a look at my mannerisms towards men and how my demeanor appears to others. I want to trust someone and allow them to get close but I'm not sure I remember how.
Hello lady telita
A big welcome from me too and thank you for sharing your story. What a dreadful time you have had, and so much to cope with. Hats off to you for managing to escape from that situation and for caring for your children ever since, and I am so pleased to hear that things are a lot more settled now and you enjoy your job.
It's not surprising you feel as you do towards men. I can tell you, and you know with the logical part of you, that there are plenty of good and kind men in the world but if that is not how you feel, then naturally you will strive to protect yourself.
What support did you have at the time of the split and afterwards? Have you checked out the online Freedom Programme (click) on this site? You might find that having some sessions of counselling may be a tremendous help as you can explore your core beliefs about men.
Hi Louise, I recieved no help after the split. The refuge helped with sorting benefits and my family were supportive; we actually lived together for a year after I left the refuge. I have never had counselling and I felt stupid for needing it now after all this time. I have just started the Freedom Programme but I'm anxious about seeking outside help as it will dredge up the past for my children and my family. I'm not sure I can do that to them.
Hi there ladytelita i would have to go with what Louise has said in that talking about your experiences with a counsellor would be a big help, this probably all sounds rather scary to you, as this will mean opening yourself up to all the hurt that you have experienced and having kept it to yourself for all this time.
It's not stupid either to have left it so long, we all deal with and process things at different rates, for me it was longer than 10 years it was more like 20.
It would be confidentail so your children and family need not know about what you discuss with the counsellor unless you chose to tell them.
Has your son's medical problems settled down as he has gotten older?
Hi ladytelita from me again! Thank you so much for sharing your story, you have been through some very difficult times and now it sounds as though you are breathing easier and enjoying life.
Have a look at our article on Will I ever trust again? that gives some hints and tips for moving on.
Hopefully the Freedom Programme will support you in rebuilding your trust in yourself.
I agree with the others, counselling, as my friend said to me, is the best present you can give yourself, and I have to say that I agree, my life wouldn't be as content as it is today if I hadn't put myself and my emotions on the line.
Counselling is about you, everyone benefits, yourself, your parents and your children! You say that you felt stupid for needing counselling now - This tells me that you do want it, you do need it, but only you are holding yourself back.
You have unresolved issues, why is it stupid to want to look into the past. I think it is the perfect time, as you have finally got to a place, where you can actually look at the bigger picture of the past.
Keep talking to us, I look forward to getting to know you.
Thanks for your replies. Yes Sally, his medical issues are better than they were. he had brain surgery about 6 years ago and it went very well. My daughter had surgery a few years ago too (for her appendix) so have had them both in there! Although my son no longer has seizures he still has sever learning difficulties and probably always will. Doesn't bother me at all, it's just the way he is.
I also went on to get myself a degree last year, which helped me validate myself more than anything else (eg: Not stupid, very capable and able to see things through to the end when they count).
Anna I will have a look at that article and will look out there for a suitable counsellor once the children are back to school in September.
Just talking about things that happened and going through the Freedom Programme are helping. So thanks guys, you're super. 
Hello ladytelita
Wow you got a degree, that is fantastic, how proud you must be of that marvellous achievement.
Can I also just say that I work as a counsellor and have worked with many people whose issues are from thirty years ago and it has taken them that long to be ready, so you are not unusual in taking a little time to come to counselling 
Glad your son's health has improved. Does he got to a specialised school for some extra support?
He always attended special needs schools, right from the start. I never felt any stigma in him doing so, what is appropriate for him is most important. He now goes to college and he is in a group with other teens much like himself, who find learning hard. He seems to enjoy it very much but I wish he had more male friends. He has always felt intimidated by men and older, or just larger, boys than himself because of his past and avoids too much time in their company. He is classed as a vulnerable child and has a bus pass, but he rarely goes out without me and even then his sister is with him and it's only locally, never outside the village and often not for long.
I am pleased with the degree, although slightly cross at myself for missing out on the first class but such a small margin. But it is an achievement especially since the university took me on with only a C in English and nothing else. I now have a B in both Maths and Science, which I took alongside the degree and a 2.1 in Educational Practice. Lol, now I'm working on a stable yard looking to complete my BHS stage 3 next year and teach ppl to ride. Some might say that's a waste of my degree but I beg to differ. I will still be teaching, just not in a classroom plus the things I leanrt help me in supporting my children in their education and that's had a massive impact, especially on my daughter. She's gone from lacking confidence and at one point being 'two years behind expected targets' to being in top sets and ahead of targets by a considerable amount! What more could I ask for!
I guess that everything is going so well everywhere else in my life is why I've started thinking about the 'forgotten' area and why all this has finally come to the surface. I need to deal but want to do so without dragging the kids through it all, or my parents. They all seem to have moved past it, except I suppose my son who clearly still has issues towards men. Hmmmmm....
Hello ladytelita
A degree is NEVER wasted, it does not matter what job you do, it is a stretching of your mind and a proof of your considerable abilities 
That's great about your son's college. Even without what happened with his dad, ALL boys seem to need strong male role models, it just sounds like your lad could do with a bit more confidence. I am sure you are doing all you can in that department, are there any groups locally where he could practise a bit more independence? Maybe that will come when he hits 18? I mean the sort of places he can go to. Have you a Barnardos in your area? They are great with families with extra needs and employment opportunities for vulnerable young people. Well done to your daughter! It's great to see them surge ahead isn't it?
My youngest (now 17) was diagnosed with "mild but significant" learning difficulties when he was about four and I know how hard he (and I) and the schools have worked, but he has amazed us all by ending up with 7 GCSEs and a BTEC. So what I am saying is that they each find their own level, I am sure you have found that with your son, he will find his own place.
I think you're right: sometimes we are so busy surviving that we can't deal with the resultant emotional fallout and it is only later that we realise there is debris there. have a look at our article Victim-Survivor-Thriver and see where you are on the table! I think it is fascinating reading.
Can I ask why you think that going to counselling would drag your kids and your parents through it too?
I personally don't think it will, as I said before, it benefits everybody. If you need someone to talk to about your sessions, come along here! Your family don't need to be involved, unless you wish them to.
Do you have a circle of friends that you confide in?
Because, Anna, my daughter doesn't like me to talk of her dad, my son doesn't say anything but they both love him despite his wrong doings. They don't want to have much to do with him but neither do they want to hear negative things about him. I don't have a circle of friends to confide in, all my friends are reletively new since we moved just under a year ago and none of them have a clue about my past.
I had a look at that article Louise and it was fascinating. I can see bits of me in all sections, although probably far too many in the victim area, certainly more than I would have imagined. Kudos to your son for his achievements, my son is just learning to read and write a little now which the college are helping him with. He's very practical but also wants to be able to drive so is learning the basics to help him do that.
I ended up having a long chat with my Mum about the past the other night and she was supportive and listened without judging and also suggested it might be time I talked to someone outside the family. I found myself, today, feeling guilty because I was riding and my children weren't. Trying to organise enough riding for both of them without compromising the horses fittening programme is prooving difficult. They are both still dependant on me that when I do ride they tend to hang around somewhat bored or go for a walk nearby. I know it'll be easier once school is back in but right now finding a compromise is tricky!
Well I think it is fab for you to go riding, whether the children go or not. And the thing you said about your daughter not liking you to talk about her dad, yes I understand that, but both these things are examples of not attending to your own needs because of worry about others. Of course we all put our children above everything, but one thing our children need is a fulfilled parent...and now even your mum is suggesting counselling too. The children need know nothing about it!!
High five to you for making new friends in your new situation, that is not easy. And your son is doing really well...it is such a triumph when they can do things after certain "professionals" have written them off or undermined them. I'm sure you have learned to celebrate your son for the person he is
Well, so finally have an appointment with the doc to organise getting a counsellor to talk to. Don't really want to discuss the reasons with the doc but I guess I will have to at least a little bit.
Haven't heard much from the ex this summer, a couple of times at most; I suspected us moving so far away would have this effect. The last time he rank my son was reluctant to speak to him at all, acting like he didn't care either way and was more interested in whatever else he was doing.
I have found some of my confidence again having this horse as it's given me something to think about outside of family and home. It's helped give the holidays some focus and time-keeping, unlike previous years when the days have become completely messed up with sleeping in later and later and the bedtimes doing the same.
My son is doing well. He's now reached a point when he wants to go back to college as he's spent so much time off (they finished at the end of June). He did some writing, maths and reading to my mum today. I think she was suprised how basic it all still is but he is trying and that counts for a great deal. My daughter isn't quite so ready to return to school. Obviously she's had less time off but she's also had homework! Big GCSE project for art. She wasn't terribly pleased to get that over the summer.
Hi ladytelita - massive high five to you!! You have made the appointment, this is a great step forward - making the decision to talk with your doctor.
You don't need to go into lots of details with them hopefully, perhaps have an outline ie: your ex emotionally, physically and sexually abused you, your eldest has been self harming since 18 months, you have suffered a miscarriage, both your children have been in hospital for operations and through all of this you have held it together for the sake of your children.
However recently you have noticed that stuff from the past is now affecting your day to day life, you have mentioned in these discussion boards that you feel insecure and fearful.
I wish you the best of luck, when is your appointment?
Appointment is Friday. Just hoping for the best. :)
I finished the freedom programme! I hadn't realised just how much abuse I'd put up with nor how little I trusted men, how the fear of going through it again keeps me away from contact with them. My mother said maybe I should live my life without them forever but I'm not sure that's healthy nor will it help me move past what happened. I'm right aren't I? Tomorrow is the appointment and I'm nervous already. I feel weird and anxious.
Hi ladytelita
Well done for completing the Freedom Programme it is an eye opener isn't it!
I think that if we have been in an abusive relationship then it is important to get to know ourselves and what our boundaries are.
We need to become assertive and confident in what we will accept and what we won't accept from any relationship and know that we are the most important person in the world and only we can stop people from over stepping our boundaries.
Have a look at our articles on Basic Rights of Assertiveness, Saying No and being Heard and From Victim to Thriver for more information.
Healthy relationships are important for a fulfilling adult life, so I agree with you, do not cross them off your list entirely. We learn from other people about ourselves and about others.
Would you consider going to a face to face Freedom Programme?
Tomorrow is the appointment with your doctor, to see if you can get some counselling isn't it? It is not surprising that you are nervous and you are about to open a can of worms, that you have kept closed for a long time. Do not be afraid if you well up, that would be only natural and a sure indicator to your GP that you need some emotional support.
Best of luck with it, I hope all goes well.
I did it. I had a doctor I'd never met before and he seemed to want to get as much out of me as possible but I really wasn't comfortable speaking to him. He has referred me to the local counsellor who is based at the surgery itself. Great to have it so close, I hadn't expected that. He said he wasn't sure what the waiting list was like , so I was naturally expecting months, but then he said 'it could be three to four weeks' and I was amazed! Apparently if I don't hear anything in a fortnight I should contact the surgery again. Crikey.
Hurrah for you, lady telita. If we were to user a horsey term we could say that was a massive hurdle for you and you jumped it! Some surgeries do have their own counsellors attached and that usually means a quicker appointment. Three to four weeks does sound VERY short though so don't hold your breath You have taken the first step and that is fantastic. High five to you!
Oh so much has happened since that last post. My first appointment with the counsellor is monday! Not sure how it will go as my current emotional state is compromised by a recent incident.
Last wednesday I fell off my mare. I had been schooling her at lunch time on my own (as I often do) and she had been going extremely well. We were just finising off when she spooked sideways, her saddle slipped and I fell onto the sand. I couldn't physically move! I wasn't winded or anything and I didn't hit my head but I couldn't lift myself to my feet. So I stayed there for several minutes regaining myself. My mare stayed close by and didn't move at all despite the saddle hanging around her side. Eventually I managed to get to my feet but it was incredibly painful. I sorted my horse out but couldn't get back on. I could barely walk! The schooling arena is a little distance down a track away from the stables and I had to use my mare to help me walk back, which she did admirably well, walking very slowly, never pulling or trying to eat grass. When we got back I burst into tears from the pain and several colleagues helped me.
Since then I have seen the doctor twice and thankfully nothing is broken. I have severe swelling and bruising to my left hip, accompanied by neuropraxia. I also have bruised ribs and torn muscle fibres of the intercostal muscles on the left side of my ribcage. All in all, a great deal of pain! Found out I can't take anything but paracetamol as I had a reaction to the codiene I was given and ibuprofen made my asthma worse.
Walking is improving, sleeping is not. It is very difficult to find a comfortable way to sleep and I wake frequently to move as I get stiff. Moving hurts like a mother when I get stiff.
This past week has been difficult as my grandparents have been down aswell and the attitudes of them both have been hard to tolerate. My grandfather very nearly sat on my elderly cat (despite having most of the sofa to choose from) and then was insulted because I was more concerned about my cat then I was for him! He hadn't hurt himself in any way I might add. I was called a liar when I contradicted something they said and have had to repeat myself so many times. They go home tomorrow, thankfully. They paid little attention to the children, barely acknowledging their presence and spent much of the time talking over everyone else and expecting to be waited upon daily. *sigh*
Well it is good news that your visitors will be leaving today!
How absolutely scary for the fall to happen and you did so well to manage to get back. Intercostal muscles, I have damaged those and the pain is excruciating, you have my every sympathy. It does not help that you are not sleeping. Have you told your GP thiis? I aks because they may be able to give you something to help the sleep, even though the painkillers are not available.
It need not affect your counselling though...focus on the issues you have been talking to us about and maybe you also want to reflect on the emotional implications of your accident (sometimes these things bring things "home" to us about how we are on our own etc) Good luck and let us know how you are
Hey, had the appointment on Monday, which was straight-forward enough. I am now in contact with a local based support group and am waiting for contact with someone there to arrange an appointment. So far it's been ok, not talked much about what has happened in my past, barely brushed the surface in fact so certainly haven't felt out of my comfort zone.
My daughter has been off school the last two days with a headache, back tomorrow as she seems good this evening, so I can go back to work. Still aching and not sleeping well which really sucks as I don't do well without sleep. I did mention the not sleeping to the doc at the time Louise but I would refuse sleeping pills. They either have the opposite effect or make me sleep too much! I used them briefly years ago and I ended up sleeping through my sons night-time problems, much to my parents irritation (we were living together at the time).
I have now read the entire Freedom Programme book and have come to the conclusion that not only was my ex an abusive SOB but it is clear that many of my family members put up with, accept and almost expect certain levels of abuse from their partners! My grandparents are a classic case. My grandmother puts up with sexist remarks, expectations from her husband to ensure he is comfortable and happy well before any need she may have and she will defend him when he says something that I or my mother disagrees with, no matter how degrading or insulting.
I need to go see my horse. Not been up there for two days with my daughter home sick and I find her a great comfort when I get this wound up. I have chewed all my nails off damnit!
Hi Lady t
Hope your daughter is Ok to get back to school today and you can go and destress with your horse! Yes, I know not everyone likes sleeping pills. Some people really like those herbal night time remedies, (they dont do much for me), my friend swears by camomile tea and as for me, well lavender baths always helped but of course the main cause of your insomnia is the pain so I am hoping this is easing bigstyle.
That sounds positive about the counselling and support group, your counsellor will just be helping you to feel at ease at first so you feel more able to open up. Interesting what you say about looking at OTHER peoples' relationships in terms of the freedom programme. When it is relatives I sometimes wonder what part that played in my "model" of a relationship when I was growing up.
Hope you have a good day
Totally agree. I know that my models of relationships have affected my expectations and idealism regarding my own relationships as an adult. Of course that all got blown out of the water when the abuse started....or should I say, when I realised I was being abused instead of feeling guilty that it was my fault it was happening. Even now there is a small part of me that suggests I need/want to be looked after, protected etc by a strong man, you know, all the crap you tend to see in Disney movies. Society has alot to answer for.
The pain is easing bit by bit, which is great, although I have to keep on taking the paracetamol. When I try to stretch it out a bit I start to suffer somewhat. If it allows me to do things normally I will take them. It has only been two weeks. I worked today, a full day for the first time since the fall. I didn't ride but did spend time with my girl, which was nice and she enjoyed the companionship too.
My daughter was back to school today, mostly better. She seems happy enough so that is good. She's taking her GCSE's soon which is a year early so kuodos to her. I am slightly concerned that my opinion and attitude towards men will colour her future relationships. My son seems perfectly happy in whatever he does, so long as there's no trouble. He hates violence and aggressive people. I think it frightens him.
Glad the pain is easing, and that you were able to get out and about.
Yes it is not just family stuff, gender expectations are also very cultural...I did a bit of a study on this. Just look at Barbie for example! and the comics/magazines that are produced for boys and girls and how they differ. It is great that you are aware of the possible effect on your children. You can mitigate things with them by finding good male role models to praise and value. My son also had a horror of conflict after experiencing things his dad did. As he grew older I was able to talk with him about this and demonstrate to him that conflict does not equal disaster, eg people in a family can dsiagree, argue, resolve things and still love each other. He is fine now.
Hi ladytelita, welcome to One Space
When you say 'it all happened 10 years ago' are you talking about the split from your childrens father?
You have been single since, but now your children are getting older you are beginning to find time for yourself and it is scary??
Can you explain what 'it' is? Or what you don't want to share with your family?