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Hey, I am new here, looking for advice and friends


Hello, my name is Steven, im 23, I have a little boy who is 3 next month, nearly 2 weeks ago his mum (18) dropped him off with my dad and cut all communication with me, I have been in contact with a solicitor but shes off on holiday for two weeks.

Basically ive been told she cant just come and take him off me because my names on  the birth certificate, I have cut down my hours at work to look after him. Basically now I just need to know when I can sort out getting some sort of benefits for him now that I am not working as much and how to register him at my local doctors and get a health visitor etc.

I have no idea where he is up to with all of his jabs etc, to be honest his mum was more bothered about "living her life" as if she had never had him. Shes a compulsive liar and I have no idea whats going through her head and am currently struggling not knowing what to do next.


Any advice would be very much appreciated, he is tiring me and my dad out, we also need to try and get him into a nursery. 




Posted on: August 10, 2010 - 12:47pm


From my own experience, your biggest hurdle will be getting you name as the main name on the child benefit book. I don't know if the law has changed but when I went through all that five years ago I could not claim anything as despite the fact that I had my two in-tow you are not officially recognised as the main carer until your name is on the child benefit as the main person. When your child is born the mother is automatically put there and you as the father are just a named person that is entitled to claim it.

If your wife/partner refuses to cooperate in this or is not available to do it then this process will take longer, and they automatically get four weeks more once it is finalised, you will not be able to claim child tax credit until this is changed.

Again maybe the law has changed.

Contact inland revenue anyway and explain your situation and if the person on the other end is any use they will be able to explain and possible get something in motion.

You just have to take your son to the doctors and his records can be transferred.

The whole system is geared up to it being mothers doing all this and be prepared to be confronted by two types of women, those who see you as some sort of ahh isn't he wonderful and those who see you as someone some how encroaching on their womanly exclusive territory.

Smile and remain calm, don't get angry as this will just fuel some women's beliefs that all men resort to violence, are unable to control their tempers and can't possible be able to bring up children with out the help of a nurturing women.

Again this is all just from my own personal experience  :)

You really need your solicitor and you need it to go through court and to be given residency to have any sort of closure and feeling of security. Even then there is always the chance that your partner may drag it all through court again should she suddenly change her mind.

The courts are not interested in yours or your partners feelings and from my experience they see the whole thing as a nuisance and why can't hey sort it out them selves, they are only concerned with the well being of the children.

Buy a note book and keep a record of everything, times dates etc be sure to express everything to your solicitor and make sure they understand, try not to get into any he said she said name calling type scenarios, just get stuff written down so you can refer back to it and give times dates should you need to.

If you have any dealings with CAFCASS remember that they are trained to come across as being on your side, they will be the same with your partner they just want you to feel at ease with them so they can get as much information from you as possible and if they have decided that you are in the wrong then it is information to back up that view they will be looking for no matter how nice and friendly and understanding they may seem. Only believe what they put in writing, if they say something and you later wish to use it to back up your argument and it isn't in writing then you don't have it. Don't get angry with them, you need them on your side so to speak.

The same applies to any contact services you are referred to should it come to that, they will already have formulated their opinions from any documents they have received from the courts or CAFCASS, just be nice and don't bad mouth your X.

Personally I was lucky with my CAFCASS officer but I know people who weren't.

Good luck, being a full time carer of your child is the most rewarding and wonderful thing ever. But getting there can be something of an uphill struggle if you are a man. The whole process took me four years and my wife is a registered drug addict with a criminal record and history of violence and the whole thing is still to some extent up in the air.

If there is anything else you can think to ask me please do, I have been through courts, CAFCASS and three contact services.


again good luck.



Posted on: August 10, 2010 - 2:29pm


P.S. To get him in a nursery just find one and take him there. they should be able to help with explaining about help for you.

Also, have a look around localy for single parent groups, is there a Bernardoss where you live? they helped me lots.

Local parenting courses?

Get a health visitor through the doctors, she will know lots and be able to help.

: )

Posted on: August 10, 2010 - 2:33pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello Stevo871

That's some excellent information Bubblegum has given you so I won't repeat it all. Just a few pointers:

1. Yes, you do have to be the person entitled to the Child Benefit to access the other benefits. Get in touch with them to get the wheels in motion. Click here to see their website. Once you have got this sorted then you can apply for Working Tax Credit if you are working at least 16 hours. Do apply for Housing Benefit now if you have not already done so, even before you get the Child Benefit. See here for Housing Benefit details, you apply to your local Job Centre Plus.

2. You definitely need a solicitor to help with a residency order, get a quote as to cost, it may be you can get some free advice if you are on a lower income now. Click here to find a local solicitor.

I do hope that you will join us on a regular basis, there are plenty of Mums and Dads here and we all help and support each other through the good times and bad.

Posted on: August 10, 2010 - 2:37pm



Hope things can be sorted quickly for you and your son.


Posted on: August 10, 2010 - 2:46pm


Thank you for your advice, I shall ring up about the benefits tomorrow and take him to be registered at the doctors. 

I have given my solicitor a copy of the last 300 texts between me and my ex and I have also given her a copy of the texts between me and one of her new partners family members, highlighted the important bits, like the fact she didnt tell his family she had a child for months etc, On Friday it will have been 2 weeks since she has seen or even spoken to her son, surely that will at least show she doesnt care?

Unfortunately when I dropped that off with the solicitor I was told after this week she is on holiday for 2 weeks, go I am going to go back in tomorrow and ask if they can at least sent a letter to my ex just so she knows I am seeking advice and setting the wheels in motion. 

I dont know whether it is a good thing or not but my son hasnt once asked for his mum at all, really its a pity, I would like her to be part of his life but she wont even tell me what she actually wants. 

Nobody can understand how a mother can suddenly meet someone new and change like that, and why she must lie about it. I just wish there was someone who could get through to her, but unfortunately, I dont like the word, but she does actually fit the Wikipedia definition of a Psychopath.

Posted on: August 11, 2010 - 12:37am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

All you can do is to be there for your son and even if his mum does not want to see him, he will still be loved and well cared for and he is lucky to have such a loving dad.

Sounds as if you are doing all the right things, good luck with the Child Benefit people!

Do you live with your dad then, or on your own? I am just thinking about a bit of support for you if you are parenting on your own

Posted on: August 11, 2010 - 7:34am


I am living with my dad, thankfully he loves his grandson to bits so is being really helpful, It just scares me how much there is to sort out, I can see it being hard work and knowing her she will probably just make it as hard as she can for the fun of iy

Posted on: August 11, 2010 - 8:50am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I am glad you have your dad there to help. Yes, there is a lot to sort out and Bubblegum will tell you that there is always the worry that the other parent will "pop up" again whenever they feel like it, but you can do it, you will find strength you never knew you had.

We are all here to support you through, as well Smile

Posted on: August 11, 2010 - 12:07pm


Thank you, I have been trying to ring tax credits for the last hour but they have an automated message telling me their busy and to ring up another time, currently trying to contact child benefit to see if it is actually in my name or not.

Attempted to get him signed up to my local doctors, not sure which address they would have for him so I have had to write 3 on the form, I think this is all extremely inconsiderate of her :(

Posted on: August 11, 2010 - 1:17pm


I'm glad you have your Dad there too.

I cannot understand how any parent can choose not to put their child/ren first.

Good luck with all of this.

Posted on: August 11, 2010 - 1:31pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

The Tax Credit helpline will be massively busy at this time of year as it has just been the cut off date for completing last year's returns and everyone will be panicking. That said, you would think if I know this to be the case, so would they, and they could get extra staff in. The line is open 8am to 8pm every day including weekends. I am guessing that 8am on a Saturday or Sunday would be a good time to call :-)

Posted on: August 11, 2010 - 5:51pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi stevo871

I have just seen your posts, I am really sorry to read your story, you must feel like you are going through hell.

You say he is wearing you and your dad out Laughing Welcome to the world of toddlers, I bet he is an absolute delight, I would pick up on bubblegums idea of a parenting class, you can pick up some great tips and techniques and also meet a new world of people, that could become good friends.

Everybody has given really good information regarding solicitors, benefits etc, have you been to the job centre yet, have you found a nursery?

You have not been on for a while, is your solicitor back yet?

Posted on: August 20, 2010 - 3:03pm


Hi stevo871,

Welcome to One Space,


I have just read through your posts, what a traumatic situation for you and your son. How is it all going?



Posted on: August 24, 2010 - 8:21pm


Hello stevo871,

if you believe that the mother is irresponsible and of unsound mind (like me), you should hang on to little one and safeguard his wellbeing. Your ex will be back for him, there is no doubt.

As above, document everything that is said or happens, any communications. You will as likely need them much later when you think all is well.

What's your son been up to this weekend?

Hug sy

Posted on: August 30, 2010 - 7:37pm