This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
As some of you know, C's birthday was yesterday. He has seen his (father) twice since he's been born, nine years ago. The first four and half years of his life, he didn't even know if he'd got a son or a daughter. He does have a daughter, a year older than my son, but hasn't bothered with her either. Anyhow, purely because C wanted to know about his father, I tracked him down, and after a while, phone calls began, but soon drifted off, with me then giving him a warning he was not to mess my son around. Phone calls ceased, until the next time C wanted to contact him. (I would never deny C this, though I don't like it). It wasn't often and it hasn't happened in a long time. No birthday or christmas cards, presents, child support, zilch. C has had two birthday cards, for his 5th and 6th.
Today, C had post, and one was from him, stating his name and in brackets (your Dad). How dare he even call himself a Dad!! Inside was 10 euros, wow! It was posted in England, yesterday, and he lives in Spain. I'm guessing he is over here, visiting his Mother (she lives down the road from me) When C opened it, he was shocked to say the least, and did laugh at the word 'dad'. I have either texted people who have sent cards and C has also spoken to them. I honestly do not want to text this man (not even sure if I even have his mobile number now anyway), and I don't particularly want to ask C if he wants to call him to say thankyou. I'm kind of waiting on C being the one to tell me what he wants to do. He's very open with me, so if indeed he did want to speak to the (father), then he would tell me. So, should I leave it, and secretly hope for the best, should I ask him? He has put the birthday card up, but hasn't displayed it like the rest, he has hidden it behind others, out of sight. I have commented that I guess it was nice of T to send it.
My other worry is, if he is back over here, will he want to see C? He doesn't have PR obviously, and he certainly wouldn't pay a court to grant it. If he is here, hopefully it'll be a flying visit. Deep down, I know I will be gutted if C wants to see him, I wouldn't let that happen away from me though, as far as I'm concerned he is a stranger to C, and I wouldn't send C anywhere with a stranger would I.
I'd wait to see what C says too.
I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Here for you.
Wish I knew what to say.
xxxxxxxxxx
Thankyou to you both. Like your Aunty, Kay87, I wouldn't and haven't stopped C when he has asked in the past to ring T. I know that C would end up hurt should contact start up, but I also know that if this is what C wants, I wouldn't stand in his way (as much as I'd like too). We hadn't spoken about this all evening, since the opening of the card, then come nearly bedtime, C mentioned it again, just commenting really on the fact that out of the blue he receives this. Not knowing if T is even in the country, I'm now wary, and shall be on the look out for him. As far as I'm aware, he doesn't know what school C goes too, but it wouldn't be hard for him to find out I guess. Once C brought the subject up, I just said that even though he is older now, if T turned up at school before home time, and said he was picking him up, what would C do. Without any thought at all, C said he definately wouldn't go with him, and he would tell the teacher that he wasn't allowed and to ring me straightaway. At least he's remembered all of this since the last time we spoke about things!! I don't make a point of telling people my business really, and I haven't mentioned T to the school, but now wondering if perhaps I should and explain that C isn't allowed off the premises with him. (not that he would go of course) It's the uncertainty of where he actually is now that is bothering me.
Thanks Sparkling. Just have to keep looking over my shoulder for a while eh. I cannot believe he's actually remembered C's birthday, now I'm slightly paranoid, as I took my living curtains down and didn't and haven't put them back up. I put a banner across the wall opposite, and now wondering if he's around, perhaps he saw the banner? Definately posted in England, handwriting is his.
Hello Hazeleyes
I wouldn't worry about the banner, honestly. You have done the right thing in my opinion, and leaving it up to C but good idea to have been through the what if he turns up at school business. I do agree that it is worth having a word with the teacher.
It may be that T will want contact with C now or in the future, and you can be guided by C in this, although I would defitnitely say you or someone else you trust should be there if they are meeting up: after all he is a stranger to C. I have come across this situation a few times, particularly with dads and boys I have to say, where the dad seems curious as to what the child is like and perhaps sees them a few times but that is it. Very confusing for the child and also infurating for the parent who has brought them up and done all the hard work!
What I would say to you at this stage is stay calm and don't panic. Your knowledge of this man says to you that he is unlikely to stick around for long or to instigate legal action. It's all about holding your nerve (as are so many things in life!)
Thankyou Louise. I handed a letter in to C's teacher, and had a quiet word. Yesterday, C had forgotten his glasses, and his teacher said he could go to the office and call me. He said it was ok, that he knew I had an appointment, so she suggested his Dad 
He simply said no to that one. Then on arriving home, he opens this card!!!!!Spooky, hehe.
C and I didn't speak about things this morning, I feel if he wants to talk to me about anything, he knows he can, but I shan't bring the subject up. He's not a daft kid is he, and he definately has his 'father' worked out, but I do also feel that when he's older, he will seek him out, or like you say, T will maybe want contact. I'll tackle that if and when it arises though.
I'm glad you've spoken to the teacher.
Loads of hugs.
xxx
Well done hazeleyes, it sounds as though you have dealt with all this very well! Pat on the back for you, its amazing how much it can rock our world.
I imagine that C was slightly thrilled at receiving something from his Dad, he might not want to show you that, but looking in from the outside, when I read your post, I thought a 9 year old boy must, however wary, feel good to have received something from his father.
C's dad will dig his own hole, someone once said to me about a friend of theirs, the relationship between a man and his son, is actually no one elses business (unless of course they are getting harmed) and there is very little we can do other than pick up the pieces if and when necessary.
Keep strong and well done for handling it so well.
HI hazel eyes god i bet you were shocked to say the least to see that card,and your rite how dare he call himself a dad a dad is there for there kids!,atleast c seems to know what the word dad means bless him. i hope it hasnt unsetteled c to much,i bet he didnt think about that before he sent the card.and it sounds like you have coped with the situation brilliantly by keeping calm and being on a level about it.well done x
hazeleyes, you know that you are now going to have to go abroad to spend that 10 euros don't you!! It will be worth nothing if you changed it at a Bureaux 
I had thought the same thing Anna hehe.
Have been on my guard today, walking to and from school. It's quite unnerving knowing he is here somewhere, and not knowing if he'll even pop up. I have thought about this all day, and should he 'pop' up, I shall, for C's sake, make arrangements for him to meet up with us. This time, I shan't have him here though. I won't go out of my way whatsoever. C hasn't mentioned him again, but I think you're right Anna, he must have secretly been pleased that his 'father' sent something.
Elle, it hasn't unsettled C, in fact he is such a laid back kid lol. His talk since I picked him up has been about school, no mention of T whatsoever (just how I like it, hehe). He has helped prepare dinner too, I have fancied one of the shake in the bag things for ages, so the other day, we spotted one for sausages (C's favourite), so I got one today. It smells delicious, so hopefully, it'll taste it too. Hope you and R are ok. xx
Hope the tea was tasty...
It was indeed Sparkling. Might be something your lot would like too, as they like sausages and casseroles.
hi hazeleyes it is hard knowing what to do for the best but you are doing right by letting c bring the subject up and of course staying calm which i know myself is hard! My eldest sons father is a bit of a "now and again" father which really annoys the hell out of me but over the years of constantly picking up the pieces of my son being let down by him ive learnt to let my son dictate to me what he wants to do regarding his dad as later on i dont want to be blamed for standing in the way. However my son (14) is old enough to see that his dad hasnt made that much of an effort which resulted in him wanting to change his surname to my surname , so thats what we done when he was 12 i made sure he was it was what he really wanted and he just said "why should i have a different name to you i dont even see my dad to be apart of his family" . That was enough for me we changed it and havent looked back. So yes on occasions like this i think we should let the kids tell what they want to do.
Loads of hugs hazeleyes as i know how upsetting it is but c will always know who has been there for him!!!!! take care xxx
I was so angry, more for the fact that C thought he might have been rude for asking for the money in the first place!!! C and I did laugh about it afterward though, as I would do impressions of T hehe. Fortunately C has my surname anyway, so......Does your son see his dad now? It is hard isn't it, but I know I'm doing the right thing by letting C decide, and yet I loathe not being able to make that decision for him, as I know it'll end in tears, and we don't want our kids to get hurt do we? Like everyone says on here though, the children will always know though who were always there for them.
Not quite sure what happened to the top half of the post hehe. Sorry, cannot get used to this laptop!
Hi Hazeleyes, that must have been such a shock for you, do hope you are ok xxx As others have said this is never easy but you are a great mum and you will guide your son through this no matter which way it goes xxx
I`m thinking of you xxx
Yep they certainly have that special talent of winding us up i reckon they all went to the same school woops mustnt tar everyone with the same brush but you know what i mean.
My son does have some contact with him (by phone or texting) he seen him once this year when my son was visiting his dads mum, his dad turned up and took him down the pub to play pool in the afternoon and thought it was ok to buy him a shandy!!! I didnt like it as i know the pub quite well and it is full of alcoholics and gamblers so had words about that ( quite calmly of course!!!!!!) It amazes me how these men can switch their feelings off id be lost without any of my kids. I remember last year my son had an award ceremony at school and he done really well coming away with teachers pupil of the year award i was so proud watching him go and collect it (crying with pride) of course my son wanted to tell his dad then i had the telling off (by his dad)that he wasnt told of the ceremony he would have gone (he was very drunk telling me this which really annoyed me ) just told him straight that he hasnt seen him for 2yrs why would i know if you wanted to go.
It's really sad for children when one of their parents doesn't seem to care or want to be properly involved, I wouldn't agree about it always being dads though, I know some great dads, single and partnered and we have some FAB single dads on this site, some of whom have very difficult times with their kids' mums.
I agree that children will remember who was there for them, and that they sort things out in their own time and own way in the end. It is just excruciating for the parent with care watching the child, knowing there is hurt round the corner.
My son went to the doctor yesterday to collect a prescription. Who should be in the queue behind him but his dad! They had a chat and son said he would be visiting him soon. Didn't seem upset by it so that was good.
I'm glad your son was ok Louise.
One of the most disappointing things I had was when I was in the chip shop with youngest - who was then 7. The Git was in the queue and tried to back away and be invisible. Youngest didn't see him - but I did. (It was after the letter changing contact to 24 hours notice, and he absolutely refused to answer the door to me or return phone calls to discuss it, but had made a drama of it with the children...)
I asked if he'd read the letter - yes he had. I asked if he felt it would work, especially as it gave him six days out of seven when he could see them - yes he did.
Then I called back the youngest to say hello to his Dad. Who gave him such a massive hug.
Never understood that need to hide away from the children when he wasn't with them.
I'm one of these who don't think my lot will remember who was there for them. I think the ones who were there for them are the ones taken for granted. My lot still talk about the holiday in Devon they had with their Dad the first summer after we split up. I took them to Legoland... That's always an "oh yes, I remember that". I enjoyed it anywyay - my legs still worked back then 
Louise, it must be the week for some dads to rear their heads!! It's totally wierd how I'm feeling. On one hand, I'm getting annoyed that T hasn't been in touch to at least ask to see C, and then on the other hand I'm delighted, as this will look bad on his part, as C knows he is around here. C doesn't forget a thing, so this is another thing on his black list.
I'm glad that your son is ok after bumping into his Dad. Did you ever encourage your boys to ring their dad, or did you generally leave it up to the boys?
Sparkling, your kids will always know who's been there. They know how much you do for them, as it is day in and day out, not when it suits you. Your eldest for one has recently shown how he feels about the Git. I know you've said stuff recently about the eldest, but that's youngsters for you, he's behaving in the same way that other youngsters behave even in two parent families. I don't think we see their appreciation at times that's all, so don't be so hard on yourself.
Sparkling, J has talked to you in the past about his disappointment with his dad and the others will come to it as they get older. More than anything, if they ever become parents themsleves, THEN they will know it. My friend split from his wife and they had four children, the third was about 15 or so. He refused to see his dad for about a year, but my friend continued as a good dad, always trying with him and he came round in the end and they had a good relationship again. BUT the big change was when this lad became a dad, suddenly he understood what his dad had felt and now they are very close. So...patience is the key
Hazeleyes, I would be inclined to be glad if there is no more contact from T, however annoyed on C's behalf you feel (and I would feel the same)
My boys' dad: it is up to them how often they want contact, I encourage it but do not force them. When they were younger I used to take them every Sunday and drop them there for a couple of hours, and when they were really young he was in better health and would see them quite often. He knows that he must stay away from here (police action after he stalked me and harasssed me with phone calls and notes through the letterbox etc about seven years ago) and so the boys initiate contact, and of course they still see his family, which I think is important. the eldest has more to so with him than the youngest, and does speak to him on the phone between visits.
That is all down to you Louise. Despite everything, you still, like you say, encouraged contact. I think your boys are very level-headed, and you've done them proud
Am 95% sure that I spotted T on way to school. 'He' was standing outside the local winebar, which I have to say is where he would drink before moving abroad, and again, I'd have to say, is the time that he'd be there. I was a fair distance from him, but I had to take a couple of looks. Same sort of clothes, hair the same as I remembered from two years ago, and the suntan. No sign of him on way home. My eyes were darting everywhere, and I was playing over and over in my mind what I would say should he suddenly appear in front of C.
OMG! In a way, you're able to prepare yourself?
So hard for you.
I know I've said it once, but I'm glad you've spoken to the school.
xxx
Its quite nice now the eldest is driving as he will pop in to see his grandparents! He does feel very close to them.
That's nice of him Sparkling. He's a good lad at heart.
If he follows the pattern from years ago, he should only be around for a week, and no more. So, once the weekend is over, he should be on his way, if he hasn't gone already now of course. What will happen will happen I guess, and until I know what his plans are, I'm not going to waste time worrying. I shall deal with it, if and when. (I'm sounding so cool with this hehe)
oh hazeleyes, I remember those days, walking home from school, eyes darting everywhere, checking out cars, anyone beeping etc etc!
You have decided what you will do if you see him in the street, so now, go about as if he has gone away again. Do you know when he goes back?
I don't know anything Anna, that's half the problem I suppose. I'm ok when I'm on my own, but once C is home, then I'm a bit more wary. I've told C that he's not to open the front door, and also not to answer the phone. My excuses? Cold callers at this time of year, and how I can never get them off the doorstep, and I'm waiting on an important call, or cold callers
Im so glad it didnt unsettle c,and he hasnt mentioned T,has he still not mentioned anything?.mmmmmmmmmmmmm i love sausage casserole havent done one for ages you have inspired me so im doing one next week lol.
Hi elle, how are things with you and R. C hasn't mentioned T at all which of course I'm extremely pleased about, but to be honest, I find it worrying too. My friend, the one I call my Friday friend, thinks it's good that T hasn't been mentioned. She thinks C is fine with it all, and he really doesn't want anything to do with him. She came round on Friday (hence the Friday friend name), and said, 'wow, you've got lots of cards' She then asked who they were from, and after naming some of them, he then said, 'oh and I got one from my Dad'. Normally he doesn't say that, but refers to him as T, so that kind of threw me for a moment, and I realised that he said the Dad word, because he'd have to explain who T was, and perhaps also because her son was here.
I'm doing sausage casserole again this week too. Today's is mash, bacon, beans and egg. xx
Things are fine thanx stayed at my friends fri which was nice she split up with her ex 3 months ago which was the best thing 2 do as he was a complete idiot and was quite nasty,and she said shes just starting 2 feel like her old self again which was lovely to hear,and i get 2 see her more often,ah bless him yes bet it was a shock hearing him say it,i can understand where you are coming from tho or maybe it just hasnt phased him that much,do you think T will make contact again? even if it is just a card? mmmmmm i love bacon,we have got a chicken casserole today.
Hi hazeleyes, if my daughter ever mentions her father she always says 'my dad' and it still catches me off guard. I made a conscious decision to call him my his first name after I stopped contact as I thought it sounded less intimate and make her less fearful of him.
However she still mentions 'my dad' and I guess he always will be and that is something special that they will hold in their heart, regardless of the situation. My friend once said to me that because I had such a good relationship with my dad, I presumed that my daughter felt the same way about hers the same, however this isn't true, a dad means something different to everyone.
Accept and allow the 'my dad' thing, it sounds strange, especially after all YOU have done for him, just remember it is just a name, he doesn't necessarily carry all the emotional aspect that you attach to the word.
Oh now you have got me wondering what I am doing for dinner tonight! MMmmmm jacket potatoes methinks!
Just read through your thread hazeleyes,and giving you my support.
Hi there
I just saw this thread and read through my message and I failed to mention why I was shocked to hear her say 'my dad'.
After a particularly nasty incident about 6 years ago, she and I started calling him 'Tatty Bojangles' - Don't ask!
However in the last couple of years, since changing her sim card, she has started referring to him as 'my dad'
I guess thinking about this now, when she is fearful of him, calling him a funny name, makes him ok, however when he is off the scene completely, she reverts back to the little girl talking about 'her dad'
Hmmm, there we go!!
I love that Anna 'Tatty Bojangles'
Thankyou Mich.
Well, I didn't hear a word from him, and I'm now assuming he has returned to the other country. C did kind of bring the subject up. He was tidying and re-arranging his cards. He told me he wanted to put family cards on the mantlepiece and friends at the bottom. Once he'd done them, he asked me to look. T's card on arrival had been put out of sight on the bottom, C wanted me to see (once he'd tidied them), and T's card was still on the bottom. I didn't say anything at first, but waited for him to say something first. He asked me if it was ok that he hadn't put T's with the family lot. I then said (begrudgingly) 'he is your Dad but it's up to you, their your cards' It was left like that, and no mention of T since (thankfully)
Hopefully it will be a little easier for you now...hugs.
All handled well hazeleyes! Well done. Poor lad, he probably knows that nothing more is going to come of it.
I hope T has left the country and you can both get on with your lives again!
Hi, just thought i'd share something with you - i have no advice to give, but i'll just tell you what happened with my cousin.
My Aunty fell pregnant at 17, and her boyfriend promptly took off. She met and married someone while she was pregnant, and then later had another child with her husband. My cousin always knew his step dad wasnt his dad - and there came a time when he wanted to know his real dad. His biological father was tracked down, and he agreed to have contact. I thin my cuz was about 10 at this point. His dad saw him a few times, spoke on the phone now and again - promised to take him out/come and see him - and more often than not let him down.
My Aunty says she had to let this happen - As it could have turned out to be a postive relationship, and she didnt want to stand in the way of that. The downside was that my cousin was constantly let down, and carried all that disapointment around with him. Eventually, he got sick of empty promises and cut off contact with his dad.
If i was in your situation, i would definately not proactively discuss it. If your son is open and honest with you, have faith that he'll come and tell you when/if he does want to speak to his dad.
I hope it all works out well for you
x