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have been in a contact battle with my ex for three long years since my son was 6 and a half. He is now 9 and a half. After many long gaps (by my ex) and three court cases..now in county court, The first visit for 3 years was finally sorted for the 31st July this year. My son has never wanted to see his dad and has always made that clear to cafcass (now appointed as court guardian and to his own court appointed solicitor!) After a terrible visit that resulted in my son running from his father in tears..the guardian and the solicitor decided that more time for indirect communication was needed to build the bond. My son wholeheartedly agreed to this which was a step forward. The judge (wont name him!) decided that despite an excellent school report a great friendship group and lots of active hobbies..that I am brainwashing him against his dad. That's not my way and frankly I wouldn't do that to my son. The guardian and solicitor both told my son that he wont have to go to any more enforced visits and my sons whole demeanor changed. We went to court on Friday and the judge has decided that my best friend of 30 years has to take my son to her house and trick him into seeing his father at her house. But... I have to lie to my son about any knowledge of it and not discuss it at all. So a relationship between mother and son based on trust and love with an amazing bond is being put in jeopardy to try and prove that my son doesn't know his own mind. What can i do to help my son.. before this turns him into a frightened little boy scared to trust anyone that he has trusted all his life. I have no parents alive so my friends are "family" to him and now they have to scare him and lie to him. Doesn't he have a right to have his feelings taken into account before they destroy us. I should add he has never wanted to see his dad and only ever saw him before the court case if i stayed with them..he would never go alone. Can I get an advocate to speak for my son?... as his cafcass guardian is clearly scared to speak up for him against this judge!
This judge is one of the highest in East Dorset....!! My ex was supposed to be showing commitment to my son with a court order saying that fortnightly pocket money payments should be paid! He broke the court order 3 times in 3 months so my son gave up replying to his emails saying that he had let him down again! The Judge said that I had obviously no parental control as I couldn't force my son to reply and say thank you for the pocket money! I pointed out that the pocket money order had been broken 3 times and my son let down again.. the judge said that was probably just bad timing and really wasn't the issue!!!!! and I should still make my son reply ... as HE (the judge) would make his 9 year old reply and except with a threat of death force a child to say thank you in emails!!! What!! how can I deal with a man like that!!
Hi thank you for replying... the whole point of all this is that the judge says I shouldnt know when the meeting will happen... but that just doesnt work with the day to day logistic of looking and caring for a child ! I will contact the family law expert thank you...
It is very similar to what I went through, I do not know what the back ground is for your child not to want to visit, but let me explain to you a bit with what went on with my case, and maybe I can help here and there with next steps ?
I was in a contact battle as my children did not want to visit. They said that they had been badly abused and that there would be no way they could see him. The Cafcass Officer wrote a section 7 report stating she believed the children to be abused and suggested indirect contact only.
2 weeks prior to the report coming out, a Fact and Find Hearing was held, where the judge decided that the children had not been abused. When we had to go back to Court for the next steps, the judge disapproved of the Cafcass report, as the Cafcass Officer had not taken into account what the judges findings were, namely, that the children were not abused. He then fired the Cafcass Officer and installed a Guardian ad Lithem (GAL) who would represent the children. This GAL would make use of the Children's solicitor. She would instruct their solicitor on their behalf.
Next thing I knew, I was investigated for alienating the children, brainwashing the children against their father (as the judge said the children were not abused, they could not be scared of their father) factitious illness against the children(Munchausen by proxy), borderline and other mental illnesses
and in the mean time the children had to visit their father for six months every week at a visiting centre under supervision, as non of my friends wanted to accommodate supervised contact.
As a family we were all assessed by a psychologist, appointed by the Court. A paediatrician appointed by the Court was to investigate if I had done the Factitious illness and I was attacked literally on all sides, whilst every weekend we had to visit, this visiting centre, which meant a terrible trauma for both children, weekends of crying and screaming and not being able to sleep on their own anymore and having continuous nightmares, for 6 months.
The psychologist was under the influence of the Court and her assessment was false. she wrote a report full of lies, omitted medical evidence of my ex in her report and stated that the children were not abused. She also said there was evidence of factitious illness that I had done towards the children, so in other words, that I had abused them and she accused me of 4 different mental illnesses. I had to undergo therapy (30 sessions) or the children would be taken of me.
I had to undergo this, in the mean time I had a psychiatric assessment through the NHS (which completely cleared me but that was ignored in Court)
Luckily also the investigative Paediatrician completely cleared me in his report (which was also ignored, but at least could not be held against me)
That is so disgusting... i heard the word phsychologist used in court on friday so am presuming that will be the judges next move. I am scared but know that I havent done anything wrong. My son doesnt like his fathers aggressive attitude and the verbal abuse that was levelled at me and my son when i used to take him on visits to see his dad.
My son is 9 and a half now and is very able to verbalise his likes and dislikes... I just dont understand how a judicial system that is supposed to protect children can abuse their trust like this.... Its beyond belief...
I hope that things are resolved for you now and life is a lot gentler. :)
There is a website called www.justice4families.org where you can read a lot of cases
yes, it took 3 years of going to Court every 5, 6 weeks, whether there was progress or not. Too many professionals (SW, section 37 report, section 7 report, CAMSH and other professionals) said that the children WERE abused
and finally my ex told SW that he wanted the children in care for 6 months to a year before returning to his full care, for it to stop the case,
maybe I can guide you in the steps they will take, because I think you will go through similar steps
The guardian uses the Children's solicitor, but your son can use his own solicitor only if he is mature enough to understand his case and instruct his solicitor, without any help from you (as that is seen again as alienating)
They don't put an age to it as every child matures at a different age, but it is a very hard thing to do for a child, certainly without your help and they count on that
I now have full custody, but it could have so easily turned and I could have just as easily lost them to care
Hi jaxxx, not surprised that decision came as quite a shock after the recommendations from CAFCAS, i'm sorry to hear that they are expecting you and your friends to lie to your son in this way. I hope the legal expert can give you some advice. Does your son have a social worker?
Skyflower your such a star! i'm sure your experiences and advice will be of great help to jaxxx.
No Social services say there is no need for them to be involved as there are no issues with my sons welfare.
Thank you Skyflower
Thank you Sally, much appreciated
I will help you if you need it Jaxxx, as it is so hard to do alone
I hope everything will go alright for your son, is your friend alright with accommodating this ?
He is very confused and is adamant that he isnt going to see him and no-one can make him! He says that he is scared to say the real reasons why he doesnt want to see him as I may get into trouble.! I told him that I will be in more trouble is the judge thinks it is me keeping him from going!
My friend is okay with it.. I just dont think my son will like the deceipt..
If your friend is really good at it and acts surprised, your son might not notice it was done on purpose ? I was not allowed to talk to the children at all about the Court case, or anything that was discussed, or what the judge thought, as you can go to jail for contempt of court, I understand you are saying that your son has seen agressiveness and verbal abuse towards you, how has your ex partner always been with your son ? What kind of connection did they have before all this ?
I was instructed to hang pictures on the wall of my ex husband and keep talking very positively about him, and tell them off if they would say something negative about him
No I left him when my son was 8 months old as he tried to kill us both with a car (drove it up the pavement) when he was drunk. We were abroad so I packed up and came back to the UK. he has never lived with us and I have never bad mouthed about him to my son., even though he left me with £107,000 of debt that I am now paying back (as I co-signed for his business) and he pays nothing... I believe that its a childs right to decide so would never try and influence him either way..
You are so very very brave and sensible...what a terrible ordeal you have gone through, but as he has tried to kill your son, your son is not safe as well as you...
has it ever been reported ? I suggest, as he is abusive, that you write everything down what is happening and keep a diary, how the visit goes, how your son reacted, if it does not go right with the visit, to maybe suggest an independent visiting centre so your friend does not need to lie to your son, but also to have a professional observe your son and your ex behaviour during a visit...write everything down what happens, emails, anything at all
I kept a diary for 5 years of everything that happened with every visit and every abusive text and call. The magistrates allowed it to not be used as it wasnt proof!!! This has always been about me and never about my son... its just a shame that the powers that be cant see that!
That is so bad....with me the judge discarted all blood tests since 2006 showing that he was an alcoholic, because he had undergone the tests voluntarily !!
what reason is that !
thank you.... have made a note..
If you are desperate that your case is going wrong, you can write them giving all specifics of your case
no didnt get that... sorry.
Mine is also an alcoholic and admitted to trying to pick up my child whilst banned from driving....!!
have been up for long nights with the worry ..am going to geet an early night thank you Skyflower I will catch up with you tomorrow Im going to make some phone call to Coram and Parentline. :))
hope you can sleep tonight, I will try to help you as much as I can ...
sleep well, and hope you can get some more info tomorrow
Got it..many thanks. .you can delete now..
Good luck for tomorrow !!!
:)
I forgot entirely jaxxx but it really pays off to do the freedom programme on here if you haven't done it, on top of this page click : learning
Also the books of Lundy Bancroft on Amazon are so very helpful of what your child goes through, yourself, but also the view and reactions of Court and professionals...especially those actually, because it is very real what we have gone through with the system and he confirms and warns you how it can work....
One is called : "when dad hurts mom" and
"why does he do that" and "the batterer as parent"
Has your son told anyone his real reason for not wanting to see his dad? I was wondering why he thinks that you would be in trouble if he did!
Great idea skyflower for jaxxx to do the Freedom Programme. I would also suggest trying to contact the Rights of Women they give some really useful information on these types of situations.
Good point Sally, the real reason is probably a very good one!
And Rights of Women is ever so helpful, Jaxxx, so follow Sally's suggestion as they have a lot of info,
I hope you could sleep well this time. When is the next hearing ? and probably the judge will ask for an assessment of a psychologist as well as a Social Services section 37 Report. I would suggest you give it a good chance, what the judge suggests with these visits at your friends.
If it is not working, you can ask and if it could be an option to have supervised visits in a visiting centre. It might even be too strenuous for your friend, these visits at her house....If it is done in a visiting centre, all of you will be observed, how you hand over the child, how the child reacts and how he is with your child. Reports are usually made after every session. If you find the handover difficult you could ask a friend to do that.
Do you have a solicitor/barrister and is this private law ? If it is private law,
I suggest you first go through all the motions of visiting and Court before contacting the address I gave you, so you have proof of potential harm and
you might want to record the visiting session at your friends house , (WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING) with a voice recorder (they are very strong) that you can later connect to your computer to burn a cd of it....you might be able, much later in the case, to use this as evidence.
If they do suggest a psychological assessment, go immediately to your GP and ask for assessments done by a psychiatrist which results you then can lay next to the assessment of the psychologist. (the result of a psychiatrist is much higher than a psychologist, as a psychiatrist is more qualified)....
How did you get on with getting information Jaxxx ?
I know you feel you are letting your son down if you follow what the judge suggests and do these visits, and not communicate it to your son. It is just that there is a lot at stake once it is in Court. It is not only about moral values you want to maintain,
There are really a lot of judges very aware of emotional and physical abuse and will try their best to protect and keep children safe, but from what you have described :
What this judge wants, is, no matter what has happened, that your son will visit his father and connect like a normal father-son relationship. No matter how your ex has behaved, or will behave, how many times he fails a Court Order, the judge wants your son to visit regularly and is now going to implement all sorts of strategies in order to obtain that. The judge will ignore what your ex does, and will concentrate on you, to make you behave, as the judge is convinced that you can make your 9 year old go, no matter what.
The judge has unfortunately a lot of power and it is so important to obtain real proof with witnesses of how your son reacts. To have professionals backing you up.
Hi Skyflower...
I have spoken to Coram and they need me to speak to their other unit. Apparently the one I spoke to only deals with social services cases.
My friend has decided that she doesnt want to be a party to the deceiptful visit as its too uncomfortable for me. Also I have found out that my ex lied in court about receiving school reports for the last two years. I will have 100% confirmation tomorrow that he lied to the judge.
I am going to see my sons guardian on thursday to ask her why she isnt supporting my son and looking after his welfare and tell him about the lies.
This judge may have power but he cannot traumatise a child unneccessarily and make me decieve him.
I would like you to google "the Secret Family Court" in the UK, jaxxx if you can....it will educate you on our system, just like the books of Lundy Bancroft.
I know Lundy Bancroft writes about the American System, but it is applied here. You will know so much more then what can happen to you and your child in Court.
will do that now....:)
I can understand completely about your friend, non of mine wanted any part of it
she is only backing out as she knows I couldnt stand it... if they are going to spring a meeting on my lovely little boy then it has to be in a contact centre where it can be recorded.. I need to be strong here and fight
I have been bullied by his father ...the judge wont beat me
the problem is, jaxxx, that if you do not comply what the judge wants from you, he can either give temporary custody to your ex, or, start proceedings for your child to go to foster care
Yes a contact centre is the best option, as they are professionals observing and reporting
I will comply ... and how can they possibly take a child away from a perfectly good mother.. Im sorry but I cant deal with thinking about that and wont. I cant come back on here.. no human being should have the power to destroy a child because the parent is an idiot.
I will comply ... and how can they possibly take a child away from a perfectly good mother.. Im sorry but I cant deal with thinking about that and wont. I cant come back on here.. no human being should have the power to destroy a child because the parent is an idiot.
I am sorry if I have upset you jaxxx, I meant to help you, as my case started so similar. I really hope for your son and you that it soon will be all over and behind you.
I hope that you do come back jaxxx, skyflower is giving you some really useful information and insight to how these situations are handled in court and unfortunately in some peoples cases it has not worked in their favour.
I think that alot of parents would agree with you in not wanting to lie to your child and forcing them to see someone they don't want to. I think that your right to fight to do what is right by your child, but you also have to deal with the system, have you gotton any legal advice yet?
Hi jaxxx, please don't disappear from us, we can support you through this. It is hard enough coping with facing courts, let alone what the judge has asked of you.
So if your friend is not available to have your son and the access visit at her house, what happens now?
Good morning jaxxx, I have never heard of this situation before and I am shocked and disappointed to read that you are expected to lie to your son. I am also saddened that although CAFCASS and your son's court appointed solicitor recommended that indirect communciation would help in rebuilding their bond, that the Judge ruled against this. I get from your message that you felt this was a good step forward.
If it were me I think I would contact the CAFCASS office and talk to the manager, I am also wondering whether you have a social worker involved?
Please do contact our Family Law expert and see if he has any advice on this case.
When is this meeting at your friends house expected to happen?