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hi ppl,
ok long and complicated im afraid
my partner and i have 3 children
he also has an ex who claims that her eldest is his
i met this girl when i was pregnant with my first and her first was 3 months old
i have been of and on with my partner and only been back together a year, ours are 5, 4 and 4 months
the exs eldest is 6
so there wasnt much of a gap between him being with and then with me.
anyway i have only ever stayed in touch as the possibilty that this child is my kids half sibling.
the last year alot has gone on that ive had to grit my teeth about but i finally lost it and reported an incident to the school.
the ex had lost her house, she owed rent and refused to pay, there was damage to the house and rather then go to citizens advice she decided to move in with a friend.
the friend has 2 children too.
the ex told me off a few occasions when discipline sounded mmore like mind games and mild torture to me, like making the six year old wear nappys becaused theyd had an accident (overexcitment) , naughty steps lasting hours instead of minutes ect .
then i had to pick up 6 year old to take to school as the ex was unwell and on route i asked how things were, she said they were bad, i asked in what way?
she then went on to tell me that the friend her mother is staying with had been smacking and hitting her, now i was worried as i know if i asked the wrong thing i could be leading her to say things so i kept quiet and just waited to see if she would say more.
she did, she then went on to tell me that she had been in the friends bedroom and touched some makeup, she was caught by the friend who then hit her several times on the bare bum, smacked her hand repeatedly and put her on time out, not sure how long time out was for but she then was put into the bedroom she and her mother and baby brother were sleeping in
she was kept in there all weekend with a bucket as a toilet.
i told the school as i felt ready to punch the ex's face in for allowing this to happen,
the school called social services who went to the address to confront the ex and friend. the friend then kicked the ex out for getting her in trouble, threw out all there belongings beds toys clothes everything and as the ex has no one willing to pick them up they are still there ruined from the bad weather.
she then went to her sisters but her sister could only have them a week, she then went to the babys dads, the baby is 9 months. his dad lives with the grandad the dads gf and there 2 kids one is a newborn, the ex then told me that she sleeps in the living room while the babys dad his gf there 2 kids the 6 year old and the baby sleep in the bedroom, the bedroom is also home to a cage full of stinking hamsters and the room smells off human and animal waste.
the babys dad is on parole from prison , not at all related to the six year old , the six year old has even told me off an incident where he had cut himself in front of her and told her it was her mums fault.
so not good
i met the ex in town to see how things were and i had a mcdonads with me that my son hadnt finished the six year old said she was hungry and the baby was screaming , i said have they eaten, the ex said no the baby slept through lunch and the 6 year old hadnt answered her when she had asked what she wanted, so i gave the six year old the mcdonalds then watched in horror and disgust as her mum stole half off it. even tho she had said herself that she had eaten but 6 year old hadnt , it was 4 30 at this point id been at speech therapy with my son.
i walked back with her to the babys dads and said that the 6 year old could come to mine, ok thats it so far my hands hurt from typing , theres more bear with me
forgot to mention that both children are under child at risk orders,
also that on friday the ex told me that she had soken to her social worker and had been told if she went back to the babys dads address that the kids would be taken into care as he wont allow sw to see the children at the address see where there sleeping ect
i had a feeling that she was lying as she knew i had only let her stay till friday
so i phoned the social worker and asked if this was true
the sw said it was completely false , it had never been said that they'd be taken into care if she went there but that they did have concerns about the childrens welfare at that address, meanwhile the ex has scared the 6 year old witless telling her shes going to be taken away !
she was lying to me as she knew i couldnt bring myself to kick her out if it meant her losing the children
Wow that is a lot that has gone on for you, bet you are exhausted!
Let's get down the the nitty gritty. These children are at risk. Please phone the social worker again and say you have massive concerns for them. Explain that you are unable to have them to stay any longer and you are giving them written notice to quit.
You must realise that if the eldest is his, it is likely you will eventually be asked to have her living there with you and her dad. This will give you a forever link to the mother, unfortunately. She clearly needs help but it is the children that are the main concern.
The local authority has a duty to house and protect the children (not her) if it means they are taken into foster care then this is preferable to being hit, starved and kept filthy. I know it's a tough call for you but that's the bottom line.
Please call the authorities, they need to take action. If you want to talk this over further then please call the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000 as they will guide you through the process
Take care
thanks i did call ss again but the office is closed until monday at 8
the ex has gone out today to see her other child as its her birthday monday and it was getting closer and closer to the time they were going to leave
the 6 yo was still in dirty clothes from yesterday and as i went to bed before them i wasnt sure if she had also slept in them , so i took her up and picked out some clean clothes, i asked where the pj's she had slept in were and she said she slept in what she was wearing, her mum started calling her as she wanted to leave so i quickly got her changed into the clean clothes
her mum gave me a dirty look as we came down
all i caan think is what kind of lazy scumbag are you to allow your child to sleep in dirty clothes and take her out in them again the next day?
why clean and dress yourself but not your child?
Please do ring SS tomorrow, patacake and let us know how you get on
hi, i did ring ss again this am and filled sw in on all that has gone on while they have been staying here, told her my concerns . she assured me she would bring these issues up with the ex
i had a major talk with the ex last night , but feel like it was in one ear out the other and she will just carry on as she is regardless now shes away from here
ss have put her up in a b and b
had the 6 year old sobbing begging to stay here which just about broke my heart
she was worried that her mums 'friend' would find them and come and smack her for telling
she was also worrying about being taken away as her mum has put the fear of god into her about being put into care.
had long discussion with my partner today and we have decided we cant leave it any longer
i am selling my car to pay for dna testing and he has said and i fully support that if she is his we will go for custody
i know it seems like i just want to steal her child but thats not the case
if i didnt truly fear for her safety i wouldnt put my family through this
much as i love the 6 year old she is a very difficult child (not her fault shes had a very hard time) she is quite spitfull to my son and has no boundries so it will be a major ajustment and alot of sacrifices but i feel if she is my childrens half sister i have a responsibility to protect her as does her dad if he is indeed her dad
i think we would have a strong case to have her here , i worry about the long term impact that may have on her , and whether she will resent us for taking her from her mother.
but i feel the impact her mothers reckless negligent behavior is having is far greater.
she left the house at 10 this am with 1 bottle for the baby, she didnt come to collect her belongings till gone 7 and the babys bottles and milk were here so he hadnt had anything since the morning and they hadnt had lunch or dinner at the time she came here. very worried about how the kids will be but sw says very close eye will be kept on them :(, not very confident though.
if she is not my partners i worry that the bond i have with 6 year old now is going to be hard to break and would ii be morally right to turn away just because shes unrelated even though i know whats going on?
lots to think about
Hi patacake, thank you for the update. Well done for making that call to SS, it must have been hard. I am glad that the ex has been put up in a B&B although I can imagine how difficult that could be for you to see the children leave with no belongings.
I am a little concerned that you will be selling your car to find out whether the 6 year old is your partners. Yes I can see that you feel very responsible for this child and her wellbeing, especially if she is your childrens half sibling. It is very admirable that you are willing to pay for DNA, however is your partner working? Will he be contributing to the test? Will you be able to buy a cheaper car?
what does ur partner think of all this? surely it should be him ringing social services etc and doing the running around? hope things work out for u and the kids, its awful when u suspect that a child isnt looked after and youre wondering how deep to get involved
children come first though- always
u should be applauded for caring as much as do
we are doing it together sorry should be more clear, the car is in my name but paid for jointly and as i still havent had a lesson and neither off us drive its not the be all and end all to push back learning to drive a few months and buying a new car once i have a license, only bought the car as a friend was selling cheap.
he is nervous about the outcome he doesnt want to be tied to this woman for life , and also he is feeling guilty for it going on so long and not finding out sooner
he is 23 and we have only been back together a year after a 3 year absense from our own childrens lifes
he has turned it all around and proved himself to me and ours over the last year , i think he is scared about facing this little girl and knowing she is his and he has let her down and failed to protect her
theres alot of raw emotions going on but we are both in full agreement and support of each other, he is also in a full time course atm so hadnt seen all the things i had seen while they were here so it made more sense for me to phone with what id witnessed and our concerns
he hasnt been perfect and we do argue about the situation but we both agree that for the childs sake this is what we need to do
chocolate81 i dont think i need applauding i need someone to talk to before my head explodes
ive been in low places i had my first at 17 my second at 19 suffered pnd and was a single parent so i hate feeling like im judging her but still at my lowest point on 3 diff meds my kids never went hungry , never went unwashed or left in dirty clothes, and i dont think they ever knew how sad mummy was because i didnt let my state affect them, which is why i get frustrated
its ok to not be ok but its not ok to drag your children down with you
i met her today and went to every esate agent in town, she is in big trouble, nowhere wants to let to her
her family liason worker had to phone one estate agent as they actually denied having any propertys to suit her but turns out they had four they just dont want her on there books because she has a record of not paying rent skipping out and leaving alot of damage
so really worried what will happen if she hasnt found somewhere by weeks end when her time is up in b and b
ss will likely start the process off putting the children in foster care as she has now been homeless for over a month and done next to nothing to help herself not met her targets ect
her sis is down as the person they will go to but as she has refused to let the ex and the kids stay with her im unsure she would take them on long term
her parents are a no go as her mum suffered a stroke and her dad is the full time carer, no other family.
i am worried about the kids being split up , but i would not take on the baby nor would my partner as he is not related to us and its awfull thinking they 3 siblings could all be seperated , one already is as she lives with her dad.
so stressed
Yes indeed it is a stressful situation but I can't help thinking that you seem to be the one more stressed about it rather than the mum of the children! There is only so much you can do to help someone, you have done your level best and the children will be cared for, I know you don't like the idea they will be split up but what they need is stability and she is unable to give them that at the moment. Hold on to that.
You have coped with loads in your own life and you know it can be done, you were so right when you said
"its ok to not be ok but its not ok to drag your children down with you"
I wonder if SS would organise the DNA? after all it is in their interests to prove paternity?
ok so i went to the babys dads to get the 6 year olds things , while there i saw there 2 year old covered in flea bites , the ex then showed me where the baby and the 6 year old had been bitten,i then offered to have the ex the baby and the six year old stay with me sunday to friday as she assured me she had a flat to go to by then.
so here we are saturday night and there still here,
when the ex arrived she handed me a bag for the kitchen that had the babys bottles, these were covered in mould.
for the first few days i washed and sterilized them as i did my own babys , then i realised she was just expecting me to do them so i stopped to see what she would do, she let them pile up and pile up till he had no fresh ones then rinsed one under a tap that had been sat there 2 days and gave him his milk in that, so i have gone back to doing them as couldnt let lil man get ill while hes here cos she is to lazy to do them properly.
he arrived with a very bad chest, at the friends house it had been him his mum his sis and four cats and there litter trays in one room, and at his dads the hamster cage was by his cot so poor boy was very poorly it seems to be alot better now although she refuses to make hima docs appointment.
had several incidents where ive ended up having a go at her
one today where she was fighting with the 6 year old like they were both six and it was escalating out of control.
she has only viewed one flat since being here and when she said she was taking a form back to the estate agents to put her name down for a property when she got back she still ahd it and had spent 40 quid on toot in tesco, 40 quid that was meant to go towards the estate agent fees.
today she was on the phone to her othe childs dad, yes she has another who is 5 on monday but she lost custody of her to the dad, she started screaming down the phone to him in front of all the kids so i had to drag her outside and take the phone and make her calm down, spoke to him briefly and turns out she hadnt told him what had happened at the friends he had had to read it in the social report they sent him as she was having her contact at that address, he has said to her that he wants her to have supervised access as he cant trust her which i can see his point.
more went on and she has said f*** it then i wont see her, she hasnt seen her for a month
i said why dont you wrap her presents at least she said she cant be bothered , and that she will be bringing them back here anyway as if she lets her take them home she will never see them again, gobsmacked
the presents are prizes she won at the arcade today. but she cant even let the poor girl take them home?
so i dont know what to do, i want her out my hous e i cant stand her but i feel the 6 year old is at risk , i would like her to stay here until the ex has an address, i would like the baby to aswell but i try not to get attached to him as he is unrelated to me and mine and not alot i could do, whereas the ex is adamant that the 6 year old is my partners therefore my childrens half sister, until the dna comes back what can i do to protect this child?
id like to say that she cannot take her until she has an address my partner as her dad would like to put his foot down and say she satys but he is not on the birth certificate and only has her word shes his until the dna comes back.
any advice would be helpfull
oh and we all have nits now which is great fun and very expensive in treatments