Hey everyone,
Just a quick introduction about myself. I am a single mother to one daughter who is now 12. I have had the time of it I can tell you! Not just me her also :( Well myself and my daughters father split when she was 2 years old, and its been a long ten years since then. Jeez ten years - a long time. Anyway, I didnt cope well, was very depressed, hit the alcohol hard, but have been off it now for 2 years with times off in between. Got into relationships where I was abused emotionally more than physically. Lost a baby last year in January after being in a turbulent relationship for nearly 2 years. Then met the love of my life,who was a great support as a friend through the miscarriage but we have recently split up.
Unfortunately he has struggled the whole relationship with my depression and and anxiety and has ended it on several occasions, which i understand. I was hard to cope with and i had trouble with coping with life daily. I started a new job last Decemeber and since then things have definitely improved for me.
My daughter is such a great wee girl and I am so very proud of her. Shes smart and popular and beautiful and has a great head on her shoulders. But I still dont feel like Im giving my life or her life my all. I dont go out with her much, I stay at home a lot of the time which is a lot to do with my anxiety. I want a better life for me and her. I want my confidence back, I want to be happy in myself and I want to feel motivated again. Im only 30 years old but feel far far older.
Anybody went through depression and bounced back?? Without medication etc. Id love some inspiration and/or tips to help me get 'me' back again. That wasnt such a quick introduction, I talk wayyyy too much!! lol
Look forward to your replys :)
Hi Louise,
Thanks so much for the reply. I have yes, I just finished counselling in January that I got myself through lifeline and it really helped! Which is why Im probably doing much better. I have very little confidence or faith in myself, which plays a major part in my life. I almost feel for example that I need a relationship to be normal, and have took rejection very hard, especially since my last relationship ended.
As for time with my daughter, we go for walks and do talk and stuff like that. We do spend a lot of time together, I guess I just think I should be trying to give her so much more. Im too hard on myself, I know this and know Iv done a good job raising her and getting her the things she wants etc. I guess the big thing for me is being happy in my own company. That would make me so hapy in itself! Im rambling now. lol
Hi hayleybop and welcome to One Space from me! I think you have come really far, so well done you!
I think you have hit the nail on the head - you need to find what makes you happy and then do it! My daughter is 18 and the other day I was talking to someone saying 'finally I can do what I want' and I had to stop and consider what I was saying!
Why have I waited until she was 18 to finally find myself,?? I don't know the answer to that, but I really hope that you start looking now!
I am wondering if CBT would help with your anxiety? Here is a link to a self help resource. Would you consider giving it a go?
Hi Hayleybop
I have struggled with depression in the past but it's only now i'm coming out of it that I can see its full extent. I haven't used alcohol but I have used other things which is part of the reason I didn't acknowledge the depth of the depression. I also tried to control everyone and everything around me in an attempt to control my anxiety.
I have never had any medication for my depression and anxiety (although probably cold have benefitted especially postnatally) however I did have CBT. CBT was terrible for me as it just taught me ways to manage my symptoms rather than to get to the bottom of why I am the way I am. I was superb at CBT! It was a fantastic box-ticking exercise for me (although have now noticed Anna's post so wouldn't want to put you off but would still like to be honest).
My journey to recovery started when I discovered a different talking therapy called reverse therapy which basically is about listening to what your "bodymind" wants. So for me for example, I might feel fatigued so in the past "listening to my body" would have told me to go to bed but actually I was tired because there wasn't enough interest in my life or i was not dealing with an issue i should have been and in fact going to bed was the worst thing I could do. Reverse Therapy teaches that if you ignore feelings and emotions eventually you will get symptoms (such as depression). Unfortunately the symptoms usually mask the original problem making it really hard to decipher what's going on, although possible because we really do know as we have heard our bodymind tell us loads of times but ignored for some reason (for example, talked ourselves straight out of it for various reasons.)
The Reverse Therapy alone wasn't enough though. I didn't fully start to recover until I looked at my childhood which didn't start to happen until about a year after my husband left. (Reverse therapy only deals with the now).
For the first year or so I read a lot of books - initially trying to work out why the marriage went wrong. I worked out what kind of a man he was (for example, by reading "Living with the passive aggressive man") then I was able to figure out from there what kind of a person I am to have been attracted to/have stayed with him (for example, codependant!).
All of that eventually led to delving into my family of origin situation and uncovering a lot of unpleasant stuff i had not acknowledged at all. I tried to talk to my Mum about it about 18 months ago and then again a year ago but she refused. I got to a crisis point and started psychotherapy with an amazing counsellor. I didn't need that many sessions though because I was very clear on where i was at. I had just hit a little hump and needed some help.
Since I stopped seeing my lovely therapist i have been really concentrating on my boundaries. I have ended my relationship with my Mum although the door is always open if she can admit there's a possibility she is not perfect. Since I have not been seeing my Mum I have grown in leaps and bounds. I'm sad but I am much less anxious and have more energy and interest in life, therefore i'm a much better Mum. (BTW I'm not trying to suggest you need to break contact with your Mum!!)
I totally agree with what you say about being happy in your own company. It reminds me a lot of this book I read about divorce called "Rebuilding: when your relationship ends" by fisher and alberti. They advise in the book not to rush into another relationship to quickly and to instead work towards aloneness (as distinct from loneliness). I would recommend that book btw to anyone who has experienced the end of a relationship, even if it wasn't recent, as it gives you a clear road map of the way forward if you are feeling stuck.
I'm sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. What I have discovered is as people become more mentally healthy they start to attract more mentally healthy people. When I met my husband i was very needy and mentally pretty unhealthy (would take a fair bit of bad behaviour for example) and he was mentally unhealthy in a myriad of different ways but our dysfunctions called to each other as they say! It felt like I had found a missing piece of me, when actually now I know I want to be a whole person on my own then find another whole person to be in a relationship with.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things and congratulations on your gorgeous daughter - she sounds great.
I hope my experience has helped although not sure as have waffled on a lot.....
Love Gem
x
Hi haleybop
To me it sounds as if you and your daughter have a good time, as you give her a lot of time and listen to her. I think sometimes that is what they need.
Good to 'see' you here
Hello hayleybop and welcome along.
You have had a long struggle, it is a lot to cope with to parent alone sometimes and it is great that you have recognised the part that alcohol has played, and you have dealt with that
Good to hear that you have got a new job too. All reasons to give yourself a high five.
I also think that you have pinpointed that you want to work on your relationship with your daughter, to make it even better. Have you had a chat with her as to things she would like to do with you? it needn't involve a lot of going out or expense. Sometimes a movie together or a pamper night with nail varnish and massages or even some time looking through old photos and talking over things in her young childhood....all these things are postive input.
As for overcoming depression without medication, I was wondering if you have ever had any counselling help?