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Hi there.   I am very frightened at the moment.  I have had a very difficult time and I have finlly, after actually being so stupid to attempt suicide, found the strength to leave my husband who is so so cruel to me and my kids.

I have never been on one of these sites, so if I do something wrong, please tell me.

I have run away, with the kids, but i am going to have to go back to sort out the house, go to work, get them to school, and try to make him leave.  I don't know where to start



Posted on: October 27, 2011 - 12:49am
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello Aries

Welcome along and I am glad you have found us. What a relief that you and the children are safe. We are always here for you to talk to so post anytime you want.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE phone Women's Aid today as your number one priority, on

0808 2000247

Tell them what has been going on and they will refer you to a local office who will support and guide you forwards. Well done for being so brave, you have taken the first step towards a new and better life for you and your children.

In the meantime if you receive any threats etc from the children's dad then do not hesitate to call the police

Posted on: October 27, 2011 - 7:19am


Hello Aries. Welcome along. I second what Louise has said. You are extremely brave. This is all so frightening for you right now, but give womens aid a ring, and they will support and help you. Keep posting as we're all here for you too.

Posted on: October 27, 2011 - 8:00am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Aries, welcome to One Space and WELL DONE YOU for finding the strength and courage to leave an abusive relationship.

You might be interested in this page from Shelter about how to get a perpetrator out of your home.

You are going to have some tough few months ahead, but you have definitely made the first step and often the hardest by leaving the relationship and showing your ex that you will no longer be a victim of his cruelty.

Try and get as much local professional support as you can. It is very hard to deal with this alone.

As Louise said, number 1 priority is contacting Womens Aid, if you have not done so already.

Are you staying with friends or family at the moment? Does your ex know where you are staying?

Posted on: October 27, 2011 - 2:01pm


thank you so much.  I am staying with family but have to go home on Sunday as the boys have school on Monday.  Today I felt a bit better - I spoke to a lady who is a domestic violence counsellor and all sort of pennies were dropping and lights turning on in my head if you knwo what I mean. But then I had to call him tonight to tell him I needed him to move out, by Sunday, so that I could bring the children home.  It was hard to hear how sad and devastated he sounded.  I know that sounds pathetic and I am going to be strong but it was hard. x


Posted on: October 27, 2011 - 11:30pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Yes, it is hard but for you own and your boys' sake, you need to stay strong otherwise this pattern will just keep repeating itself. You need to make sure you do not have to face him either, during all this.

Did you have a look at the Shelter page that Anna gave you the link for?

Posted on: October 28, 2011 - 8:25am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Aries

Well done for calling and taking control, is he planning on just moving out?

Please ensure you have someone with you when you do go home. As this might be his chance to try and talk you round and you are probably quite exhausted from being strong and sometimes all it can take is a very gentle words from him, for you to reconsider the circumstances. Also please note that it is often one of the most dangerous times for a woman when she is trying to leave.

Once you are a little bit more sorted you might well be interested in doing our online Freedom Programme course. This gives you an understanding of the abuse that you have survived and also an insight into an abusers ways.

One of the personas of an abusive/controlling person is the 'Persuader' and he shows himself after the relationship has ended.

He will try and wheedle his way back into your life by making you feel sorry for him, he might beg for your support to help him get through this or he will say that he is going to change.

If you are used to him being controlling you might feel that he has seen the error of his ways and he is vulnerable and you agree to take him back.

You have spent a long time looking after all his needs, it is easy to fall back into caring for him again. Do Not Go Back, to leave again in the future will be 10 times harder as he knows that this tactic will work on you.

He may be feeling sorry for himself right now, but trust me as soon as he thinks he is back in control he will be right back to his usual cruel self. Please trust me on this.

You might be interested in reading about The 'Goodfather' and the 'Badfather' as a little taster of the Freedom Programme course.

So back to my original question, has he agreed to be gone by Sunday?

Posted on: October 28, 2011 - 12:27pm


Hello again.


I have looked at the Shelter page and the Womens Aid and it is all really helpful.  I told him that he had to be out by Sunday, my brother in law wrote me a script and I read it.  He has agreed to be gone.  Today I received an e mail from him - all about how much he loves me and how sorry he is.  he says he has booked into a hotel and will wait as long as it takes til I am ready to talk,  It confused me so much - I felt that I had got it all wrong and there is nothing wrong with him, it's all me so the things that you have said tonight, goodness, you could not have said them at a better time.  thank you.  I am going home on Sunday, my family are coing back to make sure he is not there.  Do you know if I am allowed to change the locks though as it is still his and my house?  thank you so much again and sorry about all this

Posted on: October 29, 2011 - 1:25am


Please don't be confused as this is behaviour that is done to make you feel guilty or sorry or believe its ok...

I'm glad he has moved out.

I am so glad your family is supporting you and helping.

You have no reason to be sorry for your post.  Please do realise how brave you're being and please stay strong.

My very best wishes.

Posted on: October 29, 2011 - 7:17am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I don't think it isw recommended to change the locks, as far as I remember from what I have read but I am not a solciitor. Check with the Womens Aid Helpline.

He is behaving true to form, just as Anna said, he is a Persuader and hey, he almost had you believing you had made a mistake. If you have him back the pattern will keep on repeating itself and you will only be back in this place again the next time. PLEASE STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!!!! and remember, someone who "loves you" does NOT treat you badly, they treat you well ALL THE TIME. Yes he will say well anyone can make a mistake, and so they can, but not a long list of mistakes that have gone on for years. Love is just a word. What really counts is how they treat you, not on a romantic date but year in, year out.

Good luck for Sunday, I am glad you have your family there Smile

Posted on: October 29, 2011 - 8:18am


thank you everyone for being so nice.  Despite the lovely e mail yesterday, today I have received messages telling me that I have ruined his - and HIS kids life.  Honestly, I have been a really lovely stepmum to his kids - they didn't live with us but I have a great realtionship with them and love them.  He has always hated my children - they had to eat in their rooms, they were not allowed downstairs, he was very threatening to them.  I hate myself so much for having allowed all of this to go on - I really do and I am trying to work out why he is saying i have ruined his kids life when really it is my kids lives that have been ruined through all of this.  I feel like I could just cry and cry and cry - how on earth am I going to do this.  The house is in joint names but i can't afford the mortgage on my own - I need to sell it but how will I deal with him through it all? I am so sorry to keep coming on here whinging on about my problems.  I do have a couple of friends and they are lovely but they have their own lives and don't need me going on.  My sister has been amazing - we had not been in contact for years and years and they have really looked after us.  Sorry.


Posted on: October 30, 2011 - 2:02am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Aries

Don't worry too much about the house, what matters is you and the children. Phone Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 to talk it through with them, or to get some local help, they have lots of experience of helping women in your situation.

Glad your sister is being so helpful. As for us, we are here for you to come on and talk about how you are feeling so please always feel welcome Smile

Posted on: October 30, 2011 - 8:40am

Lucy Parsons

Hi Aries - wow, what an inspiration you are! You are not whingeing - you must write about it all so you can keep getting all these positive and encouraging replies, they will help you stay strong. And your sisters sound great - take all the support you can get now, to help you continue from the first brave, brave step.
As you say, the thought of all the legal stuff, the mortgage, etc, is really overwhelming, and wondering how on earth you're going to get through it, particularly if your ex-husband is still in contact and can try to influence you. Listen to the Womens Aid workers, they should really know their stuff and can offer a lot of practical help.

Good luck, take care of yourself,

Posted on: November 1, 2011 - 10:48pm


Hi Aries. Hope you're ok. Don't give his e.mails a second thought. You know that you did right by his children, and that he is totally in the wrong here. The treatment of your children by him was appalling, but you have moved on now. Don't blame yourself either. If you start to weaken with his 'nice' e.mails, keep thinking about what he has done to your children and to you too. We're all here for you. Really glad you have your sister to support you, but also lean on your friends too. Yes, they have their own lives, but I'm sure they'd want to help in anyway that they can. Take care, and let us know how you are.

Posted on: November 2, 2011 - 6:31am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Dear aries, this is going to be a tough time and some of us here at One Space have been there too and I really want you to know that one of our main objectives is to be a sounding board for people who are going through these difficult times.

It is confusing, it is emotional, it is nerve wracking and uncomfortable and we know that our friends can only listen to us for a certain amount of time and often they don't completely understand either.

We care and we are going to help you get through this!

I am really pleased that our messages reached you at a time when you were feeling vulnerable. Just try and remember our voice and make it louder than his at all times!!

He has tried to worm his way back into your affections, abusive men often don't believe that we are entitled to finish a relationship, we should be meek and do as we are told. Then it sounds as though you received that nasty email on Sunday, the day he was to move out. So, he has realised that his previous 'loving' email didn't work and he is now changing his tack.

Are you back in your home now, did it go smoothly (I dread to ask)?

You won't know how he is going to behave now, other than it won't be decently, he will either try the loving way again, or he may end up continuing to be venemous evermore. Or a mixture of both. It is all tactics that he is using, none of it is because he loves you or the children and wants to care and share your lives.

The sooner we recognise this the sooner we can start to heal ourselves. Yes, we feel foolish/guilty/angry for allowing them to manipulate our lives and that we actually believed that they loved us. But the future is now ours to take a hold of and create a happy, peaceful, fun loving life again.

Please keep talking, ranting, whinging, questioning or sharing or whatever else you feel like doing, we are here to listen and support you Laughing

So, is it good to be back home? Was it in the same state as you left it?


Posted on: November 2, 2011 - 12:29pm

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Aries

Have just been reading what the others have written, i don't have much else to add other than to say that you have done the right thing in leaving.  Stick too your guns and don't allow him to convince you to go back.

What the others have said is sound advice and we are all here to support and listen to you ramble on about what ever you choose too. 

How are you feeling today?  How are the children coping with this change? Have you been able to go home?

Posted on: November 2, 2011 - 3:32pm


i wrote a really long comment and it didn't work! I will try again.  he is in a hotel and moving into rented accomodation imminently.  I saw a solicitor today - every thing will be fine.  The children are wonderful - so happy.  I feel like there is clean new blood running through my veins - i am not scared - I am strong and I am brave and i am not scared of my own shadow anymore.


thank god i found this website - the advice had been amazing totally amazing.  I am so excited about finding me again - the real.  the me that looks after my kids and has fun.  thank you all SO MUCH.  I will post again soon but honestly - you guys have given me so much strength. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted on: November 2, 2011 - 11:42pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I am absolutely thrilled to hear you sounding so positive, almost as if you have been let out of prison, Aries. Good luck with everything! Laughing

Posted on: November 3, 2011 - 8:57am



Posted on: November 3, 2011 - 10:00am


Tonight i am doing something I have never been able to do.  I am picking my son and his friends up from a party at midnight!!  I am enjoying this new life!  I am getting very sad from time to time - I can't believe I miss HIM, how can I - I just miss the occcasional scraps of kindness.  and I am worried about him - how dreadful am I, but i suppose I have been conditoned to look after him so it may take some time.  He says he is going to comply with everything the solicitor says because he wants me back and even if it takes forever he will get me back.  HE WON'T.  HE WON'T because he hurt me, he hurt my kids and he did dreadful things.  the stupid thing is, despite all the terrible things he did, the things that hurt most was the name calling.  They say that names can't hurt but they do really really do. Remembering that still makes me shake and cry and cry and cry.  Sorry x

Posted on: November 6, 2011 - 12:35am

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Of course it hurts, because you can go over it in your mind and it does not heal, as bruises can. It is also normal to worry about HIS welfare, everything revolved around him for so long (instead of you and the children) that it takes a while to stop.

Well done on your new ventures, a new sense of freedom Laughing

Posted on: November 6, 2011 - 9:23am


It will take time, but you're doing well, you know...

Posted on: November 6, 2011 - 1:06pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Aries, all these thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are completely normal. It can take years before you break the habit of caring for him. It is healthy that you are able to cry over the name calling. Maybe in the past you weren't able to express exactly how sad/hurt it made you, but now you can. You can start to heal.

I LOVED your post:

I feel like there is clean new blood running through my veins - i am not scared - I am strong and I am brave and i am not scared of my own shadow anymore.

Obviously this was a euphoric moment for you and these moments will come and go. Your ex will use every tactic in his book, to try and get back into your life and your home, so remember to keep your barriers up. It might even take the stress off by writing them all down.

So far he has:

been sad and devasted on the phone

apologised and professed his love via an email

Said he would wait for as long as it would take til you are ready to talk

(This is all good, he is recognising the error of his ways)

THEN..... he starts sending you messages about how you have ruined his life and his kids life.

He realises he has taken it a step too far and then gone back to saying he will comply with everything.

He is taking you on the swings and roundabouts and I don't doubt that this has happened time and time again in your relationship, you never know quite what to believe (probably all of it!....until now, hopefully)

It is all manipulation and game playing. You are doing brilliantly and you still have a path to walk, but you will get there, just keep recognising that you can't really trust anything your ex is saying. TRUST YOURSELF!

I love it that the boys went out to a party that finished late and you felt the absolute euphoria of making your own decisions! 

You mentioned earlier that you saw a DV Counsellor, will you be seeing her again?


Posted on: November 8, 2011 - 11:37am


to be honest i have crashed tonight - i can't stop crying, i am so sad how my life has turned out.  when i met him he was so nice.  i tried so hard to keep him loving me and to try to make him nice to the kids.  i have really fallen apart tonight.  i need someone to talk to

Posted on: November 10, 2011 - 12:55am

trying hard

Hi Aries you are bound to feel this up and down of emotions hating him one minute missing him the next, but what you have to keep in mind is the happiness of the children thats what matters here, i know you have to be happy too but you couldnt have been when he was around or that feeling of "new blood running through your veins" wouldnt have been there.

My children are alot happier that their dad has left they play more , make more noise and are relaxed which is the key, i miss my ex too but i miss the nice him which wasnt what he was for a long time, I cant go back to walking on egg shells and thats what i keep in mind when the pining starts, hang in there youve done the hardest part by having the strength to walk away, keep strong and look at how your children behave see if it is different to when he was there, that definately helps me, thinking of you xx

Posted on: November 10, 2011 - 11:57am



Hello Aries,it is really horrible when you feel so down, but we are here to support and listen to you...I know how you feel too...I had a couple of really awful days the other week, and even now mornings when my daughter has gone to school, and the house is quiet and empty,are really bad for me...because it's not so much thoughts...but a mood that descends over me that I find hard to shake off...

So we are hear, and keep talking to us...

I don't know if we can recommend other sites here( if not Mods please delete)but wikivorce is a good one to join, because they also have a live chatroom, mostly members are there in the evening night...but it does help sometimes to be able to get an answer instantly, so you can feel more a part of something, rather than feeling a bit isolated...

Posted on: November 10, 2011 - 12:24pm

Sally W
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Aries it's perfectly natural that your all over the place at the moment, and it's great that you were able to come on here to get some support.

I think that what you have wrote is very telling you have said  that "when i meet him he was really nice , i tried to keep him loving me and tried to make him nice to the kids".

He may have seemed nice, but if he was so nice he would not have been so abuse towards you and your children.  I went through the same thing thinking that he was so nice at the beginning he made me feel so special, but suddenly it all changed and i questioned myself and what i had done wrong and could not find anything myself, though he did constantly. 

These are all common tactics that abuse men use, it was not your fault and no matter what you tried to do this man was never going to behave towards you as you wanted him to.

I hope that when you read this your are feeling in better spirits, you have been so brave and strong, am sending you a big virtual hug, do you have any plans for the weekend?Smile

Posted on: November 10, 2011 - 12:27pm

Lucy Parsons

Hi Aries, just wanted to send you a big hug and hope that today you're feeling a bit better?

You wrote: I am so sad how my life has turned out.

I completely understand, and there are still moments when I crash and feel so full of regret and pain, question every decision I ever made - it's very hard. I think that at the beginning those attacks of hopelessness are so overwhelming and draining, they can leave you feeling extremely vulnerable.
My advice is to prepare yourself with a written list of all the incredibly positive things you've done recently to improve your life, and what you hope for yourself and your kids in, say, one month, six months, one year, etc.
The Life Coaching course available through this site is really good too.

You wrote: the things that hurt most was the name calling

Yes! My ex wasn't a total b******, but I remember so vividly when he did say cruel and taunting things to me, and some of them in front of our son. I just think, How could he?, especially after everything I feel I've done to make his life easier so he carries on being part of our son's life.
But again, I get through those bits by trying to remember all the lovely things my friends, my family - and his friends and family! - have said about me, and try to make them the ones I believe.

Take care,


Posted on: November 10, 2011 - 4:19pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello Aries, there are some wonderfully supportive posts on here, hope it helps.

In the meantime please remember that if you need someone to talk to , especially ay night, there are The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90

Posted on: November 10, 2011 - 5:26pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Aries, bad luck, it was a bad night last night. But do you know what? That's ok, allow yourself to cry, feel rotten, lost, grief stricken, it is all part of the healing process.

When you get to the point where you feel the need to speak to someone, call The Samaritans. I did, they can talk you through your feelings and although they can't fix anything, you certainly get off the phone, without that so very painful weight inside your body.

You have given your everything to someone and they have not returned the favour, it is a very difficult loss, but you will come through and you will learn, hopefully, and never do that again. A relationship takes two people to work incredibly hard. We are not put on this earth to make someone else's life easier.

You are a good, kind, giving person and you are now on a journey that is going to help you learn that you need to put yourself number one along with the children. And everyone else will now have to fall in line with YOUR life. Wink

How are you feeling today? Do you have any plans for the weekend?


Posted on: November 11, 2011 - 4:19pm


Firstly thanks to you all.


I am up and down - mainly up and the children and I are having lots of fun.  You know how I said I was worried about him?  I was getting such miserable texts saying how "hollow" and depressed he was.  I sent down enough furniture to furnish his rented house, bought him a bed on the internet and got it delivered there.  He sent me a lovely text thanking me then the very next day emptied the joint account!  He is so unpredictable - loving texts and messsages on minute, name calling the next.  I hate the name calling.

Anyway, my conscience is clear - I did what I would do for anyone, I wouldn't see anyone living without furniture etc.


I am seeing an old friend tomorrow - one I (surprise, surprise) was separated from when I got with him so that will be nice.  I also have some estate agents coming over to value the house with a view to putting it on the market.


Do you think I should change my mobile number, close my e mail account and open another and just leave all of this to my solicitor now?  That's what I want to do but I don't know if that would make him angry.


Thanks again everyone - just writing this down is really helping xx


Posted on: November 11, 2011 - 9:34pm

Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello Aries

Glad to hear there are some positives in all of this, you have done wonders!

As for changing all your contact details, it is your decision but for me, I would change my phone number as that is the main "immediate" form of contact.

Hope you enjoy the time with your friend Smile

Posted on: November 12, 2011 - 8:38am